Question

How do you deal with the negative behaviors of Asperger’s  (e.g. temper tantrums and having no empathy for other family members) on a daily basis?

Answer

For families living with Asperger’s, negative behaviors can seem to dominate the atmosphere, leaving an air of contention over the entire household.  The tantrums, rigidity and lack of social communication skills can do real damage to family relationships.  It helps to remember that these behaviors are a direct result of some type of difficulty your child is facing and struggling to overcome.  Examples of this may be times of transition, like changing from play time to homework time, or outside interferences interrupting his special interest time.  Dealing with these negative behaviors with punishment almost always seems to make matters worse.  The child feels attacked for trying to communicate in the best way he knows how.

For weary parents of children with Asperger’s, negative behaviors can seem too routine and too overwhelming to correct.  It can be done by creating a plan.  Parents must first identify each negative behavior and its cause.  Each family member can contribute to this step, which should be done without the child’s knowledge.  No one wants to see and hear a list of his worst attributes.  However, the negative has to be identified before it can be conquered.  Here are some additional suggestions to help complete this process.

• Rate each negative behavior to decide what needs immediate attention.  List the behaviors, the causes, the desired behaviors, and the supports needed for each problem behavior you hope to correct.  Once you have a complete list, you can start working on each behavior one at a time.

• Use rewards to reinforce positive changes and behaviors.  Special treats like candy and stickers make good rewards for young children.  Older children work well when they earn points they can save up for big rewards.

• Remind family members to offer the suggested support instead of a negative reaction.  The repetitive nature will help reinforce the desired behavior.

• When negative behaviors crop up, remain calm.  Suggest a time out for everyone if tempers flare.  This is not a punishment, but a chance to regain composure and calm attitudes.

When dealing with Asperger’s negative behaviors, remember to recognize your child’s feelings.  Most negative behaviors stem from frustration due to a lack of communication skills.  As your child matures, this ability should mature with him, naturally reducing his negative behaviors.  If you fail to see improvement once you implement your behavior modification plan, your child may need outside help to make positive changes.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

How do you teach your teenage son with Asperger’s about appropriate dating behaviors and interacting appropriately with the opposite sex? 

Dating is an important rite of passage into adulthood for your teen with Asperger’s.  Relationships can be difficult for him to form and maintain for several reasons.  The biggest influences are usually the lack of appropriate social skills, the struggles with sensory sensitivities, and the sometimes overwhelming anxiety.  Even though it sounds difficult to overcome, many teens with Asperger’s Syndrome are not only able, but also successful in this area.  Teaching your son about appropriate behaviors within the dating scene is a great place to start.

For a teen with Asperger’s, relationships within the peer group, whether dating the opposite sex or friendships with both sexes, hold much merit.  These types of relationships signal typical behavior, meaning success in this area will help your teen fit in among his typical peers.  If your teen has a couple of good friends, he will likely move into dating relationships with some ease.  If not, you can start by teaching him basic friendship skills.  Here are some ideas to help you get started.

• Make a list of your teen’s interests and positive qualities.  Use this list to form some ideas on where to find possible friends.
• Help your teen find like-minded peers that can become his friends.  Name peers from school, church, extended family, and your neighborhood that are possibilities.  Concentrate on those with similar values and interests.
• Become the hang-out house.  For example, invite your teen’s peers over for pizza and video games.  There is less pressure within a group.  Watch for obvious friend connections.
• Encourage group plans like movies outings, skating, and bowling.  Keep your teen’s sensory issues in mind.  If he is uncomfortable in noisy, brightly lit places, you want to stay away from those types of events.  You want him to be in his best element.
• Role-play appropriate behaviors and responses for many different situations.  This is a common teaching method for kids with Asperger’s Syndrome.
• Watch movies about friendships and critique the action on the screen.  Use the pause button during the parts that need special attention.  You can use this teaching method to show your teen both proper and improper behaviors.

As your teen with Asperger’s relationships build, you can be assured that dating is achievable.  You can use the same tips above to teach about dating relationships.  Make sure to concentrate on concepts such as body language, personal hygiene, and the art of conversation.  A lack of preparation in any of these areas can quickly derail a budding relationship.  With a little practice and your encouragement, your teen will soon be ready for the dating scene.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

How do I discover the unique talents and skills of my child with Asperger’s and then how to help him use them to his advantage?

Answer

As parents, it is wise to learn the unique talents and skills possessed by your child with Asperger’s.  Strengths are usually directly related to your child’s special interests and can be used to shape your child’s future.  Focusing on your child’s God-given abilities and interests will allow him to grow his skills and develop his strengths into everything from enjoyable hobbies to possible career choices.  The resulting independence is what every parent dreams of for their child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

If you observe your child with Asperger’s, strengths or special interests will become obvious to you.  Many people think children with Asperger’s Syndrome all focus on similar interests.  They think Asperger’s means computer geeks or research scientists.  While these are two very popular areas of interests, your child’s interests will be unique to him and as varied and individual as he is human.  Here are a few additional thoughts about discovering your child’s talents and skills.

• Watch to see what activities or topics seem to absorb your child’s attention.  He may enjoy computer time, that’s true.  However, it could be certain computer activities that really grab his interest, or even a particular character or topic.  See if he focuses his computer use, television time, and book choices on a particular topic or character.
• What comes easily to your child?  Educational strengths, hobbies, and social opportunities in which he willingly participates will divulge clues to your child’s likes.
• Foster the interests that make your child healthy and happy.  A child with Asperger’s Syndrome can become obsessive, which can lead to an unhealthy balance.  Too much of a good thing often leads to trouble.  Help your child expand his talents and skills through his special interests by setting healthy limits you can both live with.

For your child with Asperger’s, strengths-based activities can encourage growth in so many developmental areas.  Use your child’s strengths to his advantage every chance you get.  Volunteer opportunities can allow your child to use his skills in a variety of situations.  Job shadowing settings will allow your child to practice his skills and learn more about possible careers.  This can lead to a summer or part-time job perfect for his unique talents when the time comes.  All of these scenarios can possibly strengthen your child’s social standing within your community-another win for him.  These connections can lead to exciting and fulfilling opportunities for your child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

Can you help me understand the issues of executive functioning with Asperger’s?

Answer

You may often hear people talk about the struggles with organizational skills that are usually a part of Asperger’s.  Executive functioning is the neurological process behind these struggles.  However, organization, or the lack thereof, is just a small part of a broader problem.  Executive functioning is a set of processes our brains use to create a connection between the things we have learned through our life experiences with what is happening in our lives right now.  We use executive functioning to make plans, to organize our lives, to build strategies to conquer our daily tasks, to concentrate and commit new things to memory, and to manage our time.  All of these functions work together to keep us regulated.  Weaknesses throw us off balance and threaten to derail us and everything we attempt to do.

These skills are usually a problem for children with Asperger’s.  Executive functioning skills issues vary widely.  Here are some examples of possible executive functioning problems.

• Your child may have time management struggles, from getting ready for school in an appropriate amount of time, to making realistic schedules for school assignments or household chore projects.

• Your child may find it difficult to form workable plans for short and long-term tasks.  For example, writing an essay calls for a specific set of steps such as, choosing the topic, conducting the research, creating an outline, writing a rough draft, and completing the final draft.  A child with poor executive function may complete the steps out of order, just to finish the assignment, not seeing the importance of the proper sequence.

• Your child may have trouble communicating, especially when it comes to giving the listener a comprehensive stream of organized details.  Social skills struggles compound this problem, but executive functioning definitely plays a significant part.

• Your child may find it difficult to commit information to memory. He may be able to recall past activities or events in great detail, and then be unable to memorize and recall the multiplication facts after years of study.

• Your child may seem to lack motivation, when in reality, he struggles to start tasks or form his own ideas in a timely manner.  He has the desire, but it gets lost in his lack of independent thinking.

• Your child may struggle to remember sequenced information while he is trying to use the information.  For instance, repeating his social security number or an account number when asked for it can be difficult.

When it comes to Asperger’s, executive functioning plays a major part in the child’s ability to make crucial progress in all areas of life skills.  I hope this explanation helps you better understand what executive functioning is and what it means for your child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Cheers,

Dave Angel

Question

How can I get my child’s teachers to understand that it is not just being a teenager?

Answer

The teen with Asperger’s is often misunderstood, especially in the school setting.  Many teens exhibit questionable behaviors and motives, creating friction in the classroom.  Some students, like your son, may simply struggle with the classroom processes.  Often, since the child’s struggle is not academic, it is misunderstood.  These struggles lead to behavioral problems in the classroom.  Some teachers may fail to recognize the difference, particularly if the student’s behavior interferes with classroom instruction.

It is important that your teen with Asperger’s is properly supported in the educational setting.  As the number of students with Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome rises, school administrators are becoming more sensitive to the students’ special needs.  Teachers are more aware now than ever about the behavioral issues that can accompany Asperger’s.  However, the spectrum of Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome makes it difficult to pinpoint the challenges and strengths in individual students, expressly because most students with Asperger’s are highly intelligent and academically proficient.  Here are a few suggestions that may help.

• Write a letter to your teen’s school teachers, counselors, and therapists.  List your child’s relevant medical history, his special interests, his strengths, and his challenges.  Include any personality quirks (we all have them!) that tend to cause trouble or concern.  Keep the letter short and simply written.  Teachers are swamped with paperwork and are more likely to respond positively to a bullet list than a wordy novel.
• Express your concerns regarding your teen’s classroom behavior and how his teachers perceive him as a whole during his annual IEP meeting.  Speaking to the team will allow you all to share how your teen’s strengths and challenges affect his behavior.  This will educate all of your teen’s team members and allow you all to develop a behavioral plan to be included on his IEP for his protection.
• Do not hesitate to meet one-on-one with each of your teen’s teachers.  Supply his teachers with current information regarding Asperger’s Syndrome.  You can print up-to-date brochures and check lists by visiting the websites of national support organizations.  Highlight your teen’s specific areas of strength and concern.
• Be involved in your teen’s education.  Teachers are much more receptive and willing to work with students when his parents show interest in his daily exploits.

Try not to make excuses for your teen with Asperger’s.  You will find, as he ages that he is fully capable of typical teen behaviors.  Most likely, he will purposely push his teachers’ buttons on occasion.  After years of atypical behaviors, it is be nice to watch your child do things you were not sure he would ever do, even if some of these things are not exactly positive in nature.  It shows that you have raised a developmentally struggling child to be a functional young man in spite of Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

Why does my daughter with Asperger’s think it is OK to lie- even when it is obvious that she will be caught at not telling the truth?

Answer

It is often said that, for children with Asperger’s, lying is not possible.  Children with Asperger’s can be very rigid thinkers, seeing things as either black or white, with no room for grey areas.  They also tend to be rule followers.  The concept of lying goes against these qualities.  However, not only is the concept of lying possible, it is probable that your child will push the boundaries of truth at some point and tell a few whoppers.  Why?  Because humans have free will and that free will allows each of us an opportunity to question the boundaries.

In some cases, co-morbid conditions like OCD and Anxiety Disorder play a part as they pair with Asperger’s.  Lying can become an obsession, a compulsive behavior, or a symptom of anxiety due to these additional conditions.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome may justify lying in these instances.  You can be sure that your daughter has justified lying or she wouldn’t take the chance of getting caught.  It is important that you get to the heart of the matter.  Here are a few suggestions.

• Your daughter must have a set of rules to follow.  Rules and routine create order.  When there is order, there is calm and obedience.  Make sure your daughter is aware of the house rules regarding lying, as well as the consequences if she is caught.
• An evaluation with a psychologist or neuropsychiatrist can reveal additional problems that may contribute to your daughter’s habitual lying.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety Disorder are just a few possibilities.  Sometimes treating the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome and other co-morbid conditions will improve negative behaviors.
• Talk therapy can help your daughter express her reasons for lying.  Maybe lying makes her feel more important or more in control of the outcome of certain situations.  A trained counselor or family therapist may be your answer.  Your daughter’s school can give you information on therapy options in your community.  Your pediatrician can offer referrals.
• Children with Asperger’s sometimes feel alone and invisible.  In some instances, lying is a child’s way of seeking attention.  It doesn’t matter if the attention from getting caught in a lie is negative; it feels good just to be noticed.

For children with Asperger’s, lying can be a symptom of something much bigger and much more complex than telling a story for the sake of a lie.  With some investigation, hopefully the reason for your daughter’s behavior will be revealed and managed.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question:

My daughter is 17, she is nearly completed high school and has melt downs trying to work out what university course to do, etc. She doesn’t have a clear picture of what do to when she leaves school.  There is a lot of pressure on her as she is getting really good marks at school.  How do I handle that gracefully?

Answer:

High school and college can be high-stress situations for teens with Asperger’s.  Pressure to perform a certain way or to make difficult choices can cause stress, anxiety, and yes, even meltdowns.  These are tough situations that affect your teen’s future.  That is heavy stuff, especially if you do not have a clear idea of what your future will look like.  It is not surprising that your teen is buckling under this pressure.  Frustration is expected and perfectly normal in this situation.

Frustration becomes a problem when it affects the public life of the teen with Asperger’s.  Pressure to achieve specific goals that cause frustration to the point of meltdowns is not healthy.  That affects physical and mental health. Nothing is more important right now than the physical and mental well-being of your child.  Your teen may need your help to find ways to manage her frustration.  Here are a few ideas.

• Help your teen find ways to communicate how she is feeling.  Sometimes just talking about your feelings will help release the pressure and a neutral listener can diffuse frustration.  Encourage her to write about her feelings in a journal.

• Help your teen create a list of college career choices along with other stressful responsibilities she is currently battling.  Use this list to eliminate the obvious weak choices and to conquer stressful chores.  As the list gets shorter, your child’s frustration will ease.

• You can teach your teen to use relaxation to overcome the pressure and frustration she is feeling.  Deep breathing, meditation, and light stretching exercises are examples of relaxation techniques.  These may not diminish your teen’s demands, but it can help her manage her emotions a little bit better.

• Physical exercise is a great stress and pressure reliever.  Running, walking, jogging or even boot camp style classes can make your teen feel better and stronger.  Offer to exercise with your teen for a chance to spend time together.

Frustration is robbing the joy of youth from your teen with Asperger’s.  Pressure to graduate high school and to choose a career path at this young age can feel overwhelming.  Let your teen know that you understand her frustration and that you will help her deal with the emotions she has been fighting.  Your willingness to support her and offer a listening ear is your way of handling this situation with grace.

Cheers,
Dave

Question

How do I get my son with Asperger’s to understand if he continues with unwanted behaviors he may end up in prison or beaten badly?

Answer

Sometimes it is difficult to see a positive future for a child with Asperger’s Syndrome.  While most are socially awkward and sensory challenged, some are truly troubled by psychological stressors.  Comorbid conditions like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and severe depression can cause a child with Asperger’s Syndrome serious problems.  The unwanted behaviors can be terrifying for parents to witness.  The thought of your child living dangerously can leave you feeling so heavy and helpless.

As mentioned, a child with Asperger’s Syndrome rarely manifests danger without additional psychological issues.  Asperger’s alone is usually much milder in nature.  Your first action should be investigating the possibility of comorbidity.  Comorbid conditions usually create a handful of serious shared symptoms among the milder symptoms of each diagnosis.  Those shared symptoms can cause a lot of trouble.  Unfortunately, this is a serious problem that must be handled by a professional.

A counselor, therapist, or mental health professional can evaluate your child with Asperger’s for troublesome behaviors and help form a plan for treatment.  This individual can also offer support to you as you parent this troubled child.  Some conditions may require intense therapy and medication.  In some cases, cognitive behavioral therapy can help.  This therapy helps the child learn how his actions are related to his feelings and emotions.  Once this is established the child can better understand why he reacts in certain ways to specific stimuli.  Possible therapies and medications include:

• Psychotherapy or talk therapy can get to the root of the problem if the child is willing to open up about his symptoms.

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy deals with feelings and emotions as noted above.

• Antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, and mood stabilizers can help your child deal with these symptoms

In the case of your child with Asperger’s, successful treatment will depend mainly on his willingness to accept his part in these unwanted behaviors, and to participate in the treatment plan you or a mental health professional formulate especially for him.  You will not be able to make him understand the consequences of his behavior if he is unwilling to let you try.  For some people, it takes a first-hand experience to create the desire to seek change.  Let’s hope your child is open to treatment now.

Cheers,

Dave Angel

Many people with Asperger’s Syndrome have what is called a dual diagnosis, or co-existing conditions.  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Tourette’s Syndrome, and Bipolar Disorder are common conditions that cause additional problems for children with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.  Having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on top of the natural obsessions that plague a child with Asperger’s Syndrome must be overwhelming for your family.

More than likely, you find your child’s obsessive behaviors much more troublesome than he does.  Children with Autism find comfort in their obsessions.  They tend to latch onto a topic of special interest to the point that it takes over all of their free time and some of their committed time, too.  It is not easy to pull them away from the obsession.  That can cause stress, anxiety, and extreme anger.  It truly produces security in the midst of the difficulties of Autism.  Even so, it still is better to find a balance by treating the symptoms of obsession.  Here are some tips for you to consider.

• The best way to treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is with some type of behavioral therapy.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most popular and most effective therapy used to treat all types of conditions and characteristics of Autism.  Depression, anxiety, obsession, and compulsion are just a few of these conditions.  This type of therapy also works well for anger management.   You can find a Cognitive Behavioral therapist in your area or you can find resources that allow you to practice these techniques in your home.

• Applied Behavioral Therapy, also called ABA therapy, is often used for young children to teach all types of skills, from academics to psychological reactions.     There are many different components to ABA therapy.  A behavioral analyst can help you create a home program or you can find resources to create your own.

• Medication often plays a part in the treatment of OCD or obsessive tendencies in children and adults.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are type of antidepressants also used to treat OCD. Some common SSRIs are Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft.  Please discuss any medication possibilities with your child’s physician or neurologist.  The use of SSRIs in children must be closely monitored.

Sometimes it helps parents to learn as much as they can about these conditions, how they interact, and how they should be treated.  You can find books at your local bookstore or public library.  The book The Asperger Plus Child:  How to Identify and Help Children with Asperger Syndrome and Seven Common Co-Existing Conditions-Bipolar Disorder, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, High-Functioning Autism, Tourette’s Syndrome, and Attention Deficit Disorder by George T. Lynn, M.A.,  M.P.A., L.M.H.C.  can help you learn more about your child’s co-existing conditions.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

How to explain your child’s challenging behaviors to strangers?

Answer

For parents of children with Asperger’s, explaining challenging Asperger’s behaviors to strangers is one of the most difficult tasks.  Most strangers either have very little knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome or have a false preconception of Autism due to the media.  All they know is your child seems way too intelligent and too old to be doing some of the behaviors they are witnessing.  They may prejudge or worse, show pity.

There are several reasons that make explaining challenging Asperger’s behaviors such a difficult thing.  One, parents feel that their parenting skills are being questioned.  No one wants to feel inferior in pubic and no parent wants others to believe that they lack the skills needed to properly teach and train their child as he grows.  Another reason is the child’s obvious struggle due to immaturity, sensory issues, and social communication weakness.  No parent wants a negative focus on their child.  Finally, the thought of a stranger pitying you as a parent or worse, pitying your child, is very hard to swallow.

The simplest way to explain your child’s challenging Asperger’s behaviors is to ignore the negative reactions of others.  Truthfully, what does it matter what a passing stranger thinks about us as parents or our children’s behaviors?  Unfortunately, human nature dictates that we must give an explanation when someone questions our abilities.  You can call is self-preservation.  With that in mind, here are some ideas you might use.

• Some families choose to discreetly hand out informational business cards that highlight the characteristics of the child with Asperger’s.  You can design and print cards at home with your computer or you can have them printed at a photo lab or print shop.’

• Similarly, you can hand the stranger an educational brochure published by support organizations containing facts about the Autism Spectrum.

• You can choose to speak up and let the stranger know that your child has Asperger’s Syndrome.

While explaining challenging Asperger’s behaviors, try to do so without showing too much emotion.  Remain factual, calm, and pleasant.  Offer as much information as you feel comfortable divulging.  And remember, a stranger’s reaction in no way shapes you are as a parent or who your child is as an individual with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks

Dave Angel