The Aspergers and Empathy Connection
Question
My daughter does not have empathy for other kids particularly if she feels she has hurt them by accident! Her rude way of talking and responding to me – her argumentative ways, are all difficult for me to handle.
Answer
The lack of empathy is a common aspect of Aspergers. She does not understand how her actions affect others but she can be taught to understand how her actions hurt others. Her attitude with you likely comes from her frustrations with others. Children with Aspergers center on themselves so she does not realize that her actions affect you as well.
Here are a few suggestions that you can use to help your daughter gain some level of empathy and stop being so rude to you.
- She will likely do well in social skills training. Social skills training will help your daughter understand the unwritten aspects of society that she needs to understand from day to day. No one wants to be around someone who is mean and hurtful to him or her so your daughter can benefit from social skills training. She will receive guidance from trained professionals in your local area that can help her on her way to understanding how her actions affect others.
- Take away your daughters privileges. Many parents of children with Aspergers do not want to take away their child’s privileges because they do not want to deal with the meltdowns and tantrums that follow. Your daughter needs to understand the consequences of her actions. She should not do things to hurt others, nor should she speak rudely or be argumentative to you. If she likes to watch television each day, take away her privileges until her behavior improves. If she loves to play chess, take her game away from her until she behaves appropriately. Make sure she is aware of the incorrect behaviors and has a clear understanding of appropriate actions.
- Create a behavior contract with your daughters help. Behavior contracts work with children of all ages. You and your daughter can create a behavior contract that includes the consequences for her actions. Also, make sure that you include steps that lead up to her loss of something. For example, include a verbal warning or one-on-one discussion before taking something away from her. It will take a bit of practice before she truly understands, but make sure that you do not back down. You can make new behavior contracts as needed and change aspects of your contract as you desire. Make sure she signs the contract and understand the seriousness of this behavior contract.
- You can make your own social stories at home. You can write social stories for your daughter that reflects the actions that you want changed. You can even make her the main character if you wish. Social stories are used during social skills classes. They tell a story that includes inappropriate behaviors and replacement behaviors. They are very good at getting children with Aspergers to understand their actions.
Hang in there and things will begin to improve. Once your daughter begins to see that her actions hurt others, she will slowly begin to improve her behavior.
Thanks for reading,
Dave Angel




