Question

My daughter does not have empathy for other kids particularly if she feels she has hurt them by accident! Her rude way of talking and responding to me – her argumentative ways, are all difficult for me to handle.

Answer

The lack of empathy is a common aspect of Aspergers.  She does not understand how her actions affect others but she can be taught to understand how her actions hurt others.  Her attitude with you likely comes from her frustrations with others.  Children with Aspergers center on themselves so she does not realize that her actions affect you as well.

Here are a few suggestions that you can use to help your daughter gain some level of empathy and stop being so rude to you.

• She will likely do well in social skills training.  Social skills training will help your daughter understand the unwritten aspects of society that she needs to understand from day to day.  No one wants to be around someone who is mean and hurtful to him or her so your daughter can benefit from social skills training.  She will receive guidance from trained professionals in your local area that can help her on her way to understanding how her actions affect others.
  

• Take away your daughters privileges.  Many parents of children with Aspergers do not want to take away their child’s privileges because they do not want to deal with the meltdowns and tantrums that follow.  Your daughter needs to understand the consequences of her actions.  She should not do things to hurt others, nor should she speak rudely or be argumentative to you.   If she likes to watch television each day, take away her privileges until her behavior improves.  If she loves to play chess, take her game away from her until she behaves appropriately.  Make sure she is aware of the incorrect behaviors and has a clear understanding of appropriate actions.
  

•  Create a behavior contract with your daughters help.  Behavior contracts work with children of all ages.  You and your daughter can create a behavior contract that includes the consequences for her actions.  Also, make sure that you include steps that lead up to her loss of something.  For example, include a verbal warning or one-on-one discussion before taking something away from her. It will take a bit of practice before she truly understands, but make sure that you do not back down. You can make new behavior contracts as needed and change aspects of your contract as you desire.  Make sure she signs the contract and understand the seriousness of this behavior contract.
  

• You can make your own social stories at home. You can write social stories for your daughter that reflects the actions that you want changed.   You can even make her the main character if you wish.  Social stories are used during social skills classes.  They tell a story that includes inappropriate behaviors and replacement behaviors.  They are very good at getting children with Aspergers to understand their actions.

Hang in there and things will begin to improve.  Once your daughter begins to see that her actions hurt others, she will slowly begin to improve her behavior.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

I recently interviewed Dr. Lani Ravinovich on the subject of friendship and children with Aspergers. Dr. Ravinovich is a Licensed Psychologist that has worked with many children with Aspergers. She is a graduate of the California School of Professional Psychology (LA) and is trained in the PEERS Program (an evidence-based social skills program for adolescents with Asperger’s or High-Functioning Autism). And I want to share with you in this article 4 great tips from that interview:

1. The big problem – The major problem for children with Aspergers in developing friendships is that they really struggle to retrieve and decode non verbal social cues. And what that means in plain English is that they struggle to understand all of the non-verbal  things that are going on in a conversation such as eye contact, tone of voice, body language etc. Most people naturally take on board these type of cues to help them understand when it’s time to ask another question, whether you are talking for too long on a subject, whether the other person is bored etc. For a child with Aspergers this is a challenging area as they don’t naturally take on board all of these other factors. They are likely to focus on the words being said and little else, so miss out on the important signals that the other person is giving them.

2. Teaching social skills – This difficulty can be overcome for Children with Aspergers by very specific social skills teaching. This teaching needs to broken down into small topics and then carried out repetitively over time. For example you may want to teach your child the basics for getting to know a new child. Such as asking questions like:

What is your name?

What school do you attend?

What do you like to do?

The child should be given plenty of opportunity to practice and role play these skills at home and then be given support and help when trying them out at home or in the community. When this skill is mastered you can then work on another skill which may be inviting a friend to the house. And go through the stages of this with lots of role play. This process will tend to be slow and methodical, and need revisiting from time to time, but will be the most effective for your child.

3. Generalisation – As well as learning the skills the child also needs to be supported to be able to generalise these skills. So for example he may learn how to approach a friend at school to play one day, but then see the same child in the local park the next day. The chances are that the child with Aspergers won’t think to continue in the same way the next day and build on the friendship more. He may ignore the other child or not show him much interest. As the parent it is essential to discuss this with your child and help him to understand the need to continue being friendly to the child in this new situation.

4. The big role as the parent – The general viewpoint of schools is that they are there to teach academics, and anything else (i.e. social friendships) is a bonus. So as a parent you need to be proactive in helping your child develop social skills. There are many things that you can do such as:

· Ask that your child be given social support at lunch/recess in his IEP by a member of staff – as this is a very important time for social skills building

· Continue to advocate at all opportunities for your child’s social skill requirements in school

· Look for social skills classes in the area and become actively involved in them

· Work on social skills consistently and repetitively over time with your child.

I hope that this has been helpful and you can find out more about Dr. Lani Ravinovich at her website http://www.drlani.net/

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

P.S. The full interview with Dr. Ravinovich features in the first ever edition of Parenting Plus later this month.

You can find out more at http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/New-Developments.cfm

Temper tantrums are very common in children—especially children with Aspergers.  Tantrums do not have to prevent parents from taking part in any activities.  It is very important to prepare for Aspergers temper tantrums before they begin so that the situation can quickly get under control.

There are many ways that parents can prevent Aspergers temper tantrums, including:

• Try to figure out what triggers the tantrums.  Take note of the things that happen directly before the child has a temper tantrum.  Write down the information in a journal to begin building information.  Take not of the actions of everyone around the child because those around the child could contribute to the tantrums.  Do your best to identify the trigger in order to decrease the number of tantrums the child has.

• Create a behavior contract. The behavior contract is one of the most commonly used ways to get the desired behaviors that parents want from children with Aspergers.  Make sure that the rules and consequences are very clear so that the child understands clearly.

• Quickly isolate the child. Tantrums are attention-seeking behaviors. Either remove the child from the situation or remove others from the situation.  Try to get the situation under control as quickly as possible.  Let the child know that what he or she is doing is wrong and let them know why this behavior is not appropriate.

• Discuss the matter with the child. Sit down with the child to try to find out the source of the tantrum.  Have the child discuss their feelings during this time. Find out how the actions of others make them feel.  Take this time to try to find a solution so that the child has Aspergers temper tantrums less often.  This is also a good time to offer replacement behaviors for the tantrums.

• Do not give in to the child’s request. The worst thing that a parent can do is give in to the child’s tantrums.  The attention-seeking behavior will only stop if the parent does not back down to the child.  Make it clear to the child that no requests can be fulfilled until he or she gets the tantrum under control.  After the child settles down, you may want to discuss the matter and offer suggestions.

Tantrums do not have to put a damper in your plans.  Children with Aspergers must be taught that their behaviors are wrong, and they must understand why these behaviors are wrong.  It will take some time, but things will improve over time.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Additional Resources

The Chameleon Kid – Controlling meltdown Before He Controls You by Elaine Marie Larson

Question

I want my son with Aspergers, who has now become an adult, to have a good network around him and a centre where he can go and get advice when needed. What can I do?

Answer

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

These ideas should help you and your son on your journey together to get him the help that he needs.

• Encourage your son to interact as much as possible with others. Interaction is not always welcomed when it comes to children with Aspergers.  He may resist interaction with others, but this is one of the fastest ways to meet new people that can become a part of his much needed support system.   He may be more receptive if he can interact with people that share a common interest.  If you know what your son likes, encourage him to participate in activities that he enjoys.

• Your son should join local and online Aspergers groups. This opportunity provides a great deal of support, and it can offer a chance to network with many people whom Aspergers affect.  These groups can be a part of his lifelong support system.  If your son is of school age, these organizations may be able to provide him with support while he is in school and college. There are many opportunities available so you and your son should begin surfing the Internet and browsing local papers to find such groups.

• There are opportunities to receive services from various support groups. Under federal laws, your son has certain rights to receive certain services.  If he is currently in school, your son can receive education services and all related services.  These related services can consist of counseling and therapy sessions that the schools are responsible for as long as the services are available through the school system. He is also entitled to certain support services while he attends college. Check your local and federal laws to determine which services are applicable.

• He may also use the support of a special needs counselor. Special needs counselors are trained professionals that are able to help your child with his support needs. These services are available through schools, and you may also find special needs counselors in your local community.

Your son has you as his primary sources of support, which is remarkable within itself.  Plan ahead so that your son receives the services that he needs throughout his life.   Consult with local Aspergers groups and those on online Aspergers groups to find the best support possible for your son.

Additional Resources

Relationship Development Intervention with Children, Adolescents and Adults – Social and Emotional Development Activities for Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD By Steven E. Gutstein and Rachelle K. Sheely

Question:

How can I help prepare my son with Aspergers for medical appointments?

Answer:

Some medical professionals are well aware of the distinctive needs of patients with Asperger’s.  Medical appointments can be unpleasant, to say the least, even with the most informed and accommodating medical staff.  However, many medical professionals are not well versed in the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome.  Their behavior reveals their lack of knowledge and can set the stage for a very negative experience for all.  Sometimes, parents of children with special needs must take extra steps to ensure the comfort of their child.

Books like “Prescription for Success: Supporting Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders in the Medical Environment,” by Jill Hudson, M.S., CCLS, can be shared with medical personnel who work with children with Asperger’s.  Medical professionals who treat children with special needs should strive to learn how they could make appointments less stressful.  This book fills gaps experienced by medical professionals who are not trained specifically in treating children with Autism.

The changes in normal routine, the sensory issues, and dealing with strangers on a social level are all stressors for children with Asperger’s.  Medical professionals may not know this information, but as a parent of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome, you are very aware of the anxieties created by a medical office visit.  Preparing your son for these medical appointments will help ease his anxiety and create a more pleasant experience for everyone involved.  Here are some simple tips you can use to prepare your son for a visit to the doctor or dentist.

• Begin to prepare your son a few days ahead of time.  A good rule of thumb is one day for each year of age.  If your son were four, you would begin to talk about his appointment four days in advance.  This is not a set rule.  You know your child best and should decide the appropriate length of time for his personality.

• Use social stories to prepare your son for the upcoming appointment.  You can use a generic social story or you can create your own.  Use actual photos of the building and the medical personnel to help your son become familiar with the situation.

• A picture schedule that breaks the appointment down into small pieces will work well during the trip.  Your son can see exactly what is happening and what comes next.

• Redirect any negative behaviors as you would during school or home activities.

• Remember to reward your son after the visit with one of his favorite reinforcements, no matter how many times you had to correct his behavior.  This will create a positive memory in his mind for next time.

PARENTING ASPERGER’S NEWSLETTER December 2011

Welcome to the December 2011 edition of “The Parenting Asperger’s Newsletter”.

Inside this edition, you will find:

1. Hot Topic of Discussion – During and After the Holidays

2. In the News – Epilepsy and Autism

3. Prominent People Linked with ASD – James Farrell, son of actor, Colin Farrell

4. Do You Still Want This Newsletter?

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 1. Hot Topic of Discussion – Living with Autism During and After the Holidays Living with Autism during and after a busy holiday can be especially difficult.

The break in normal routines, the sensory overload, and even the dietary changes can cause a person with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome to struggle.

Below you will find links to articles that suggest holiday gift ideas, how to handle special holiday times, and finally, great suggestions to help your family get back on track when the celebrations are over.

http://theautismnews.com/2011/12/06/autism-spectrum-therapies%e2%80%99-suggestions-for-holiday-children%e2%80%99s-gifts/

http://theautismnews.com/2011/12/07/life-on-the-spectrum-holdays-on-the-spectrum/

http://autism.about.com/od/familyeventsandautism/p/familiesautismholidays.htm http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Ways-to-Get-Back-on-Track-After-the-Holiday-Madness&id=401062

*People mentioned as having Asperger’s Syndrome may or may not have actually have been diagnosed with an ASD.

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2. In the News – Epilepsy and Autism–Hand in Hand?

The American Epilepsy Society recently announced that children with a diagnosis of Epilepsy should also be routinely screened for developmental delays and Autism.

It has long been known that a considerable percentage of children on the Autism spectrum have abnormal EEG results, often with significant seizure activity.

You can read more about the American Epilepsy Society’s recommendation here:

http://theautismnews.com/2011/12/08/screening-may-catch-autism-in-kids-with-epilepsy/

 http://www.news-medical.net/news/20111206/DD-and-autism-screening-should-be-routine-for-all-children-seen-in-epilepsy-clinics.aspx

 *People mentioned as having Asperger’s Syndrome may or may not have actually have been diagnosed with an ASD.

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3. Prominent People Linked with ASD-

James Farrell, son of movie actor, Colin Farrell James Farrell, the young son of movie actor, Colin Farrell has been diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome.

While this syndrome is not technically part of the Autism spectrum, the characteristics are very similar. Children with Angelman Syndrome sometimes carry a dual diagnosis of Autism.

The following links will give you more insight on this condition and how it relates to Autism, as well as some personal revelations from Colin Farrell.

http://theautismnews.com/2011/12/09/colin-farrell-regrets-hiding-sons-rare-illness/

 http://www.independent.ie/national-news/colin-farrell-superstar-colin-tells-of-blessed-life-with-special-needs-child-1188872.html

http://autismrelateddisorders.blogspot.com/2007/05/angelman-syndrome.html

 *The person mentioned above may or may not have Asperger’s Syndrome. ————————————————————-

4. Do You Still Want This Newsletter? As you may know I publish an article on Aspergers every week here on the blog.

And as well as this I also publish a short online newsletter each month (like this) which has links to relevant stories etc.

Several times this year I have completely forgotten the monthly newsletter and not had many emails about it!

So I am wondering if the monthly newsletter is something that people have little interest – if so I can stop doing it.

And concentrate on the weekly tips.

Please have your say whether you want to keep the newsletter or not by adding a quick comment in the comments box below… 

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I hope this month’s newsletter has intrigued you and provided new and useful information.

The next edition of the newsletter is due in January 2012.

And as always … please send in any inspirational stories, any questions that you would like our team of experts to answer, any topics that you wish to be discussed, and news stories that you want to share VIA THE BLOG.

We will publish as many as we can.

Until next month………

Best Wishes Dave Angel

Question:

How can I help him child with Aspergers realize his giftedness when he doesn’t want to study and has problems with reading and writing?

Answer:

Their giftedness is just one of the many special things that children with Aspergers have to offer the world.  It is very important that he realizes his special gift and embraces it as much as possible.  His giftedness can play a vital role in his future career, and it can bring him a great deal of happiness throughout his life.

You can help your son discover his giftedness and help him with his needs in reading and writing as well.

• Find a tutor that specializes in working with children with special needs.  A tutor can help your son improve his reading and writing skills.  He needs these important skills now and in the future.  It is best that you target this area as soon as possible.  You should make sure that the tutor has extensive experience working with children with Aspergers so that he or she understands how to approach his educational needs.

• Try out different special interest groups that you think your son will enjoy.  The best way to get your son to realize his giftedness is to expose him to different special interest groups.  He can make the decision to become a part of a certain group if he desires.  You can also help him to discover his giftedness by selecting certain groups that you think will help him discover his talents. This great way to help him narrow down his choices so that he can find something interests him sooner.

• Create opportunities for him to socialize with other children with Aspergers. Allowing him to be around other children with Aspergers will help him understand how gifted he is.  He can see how other children have discovered their special interest and use it in their daily lives.  Consider joining an Aspergers groups in your area so that your son has opportunities to mingle with other children with Aspergers so that they can show off their talents to each other.

• Consider using books on tape that relate to his area of giftedness.  A solution to his reading deficits is books on tape.  Allow him to listen to various stories that may interest him.  Topics in his area of giftedness are probably the best for your son.

In time, your son will discover how wonderful his giftedness is and how it can add to his experiences in life.  Expose him to different things so that he can understand the special gift that he has been given.

Additional Resources

Teaching Gifted Kids in the Regular Classroom: Strategies and Techniques Every Teacher Can Use to meet the Academic Needs of the Gifted and Talented by Susan Winebrenner

Question:

Can you give advice for teenagers with Aspergers and dating?

Answer:

The teen years can be very complicated for kids with Asperger’s.  Dating can be especially confusing due to the social struggles and communication problems caused by Asperger’s Syndrome.  Here is a list of the most common problems when it comes to dating.

• Sensory Difficulties can make it difficult to go out on a date.  The sights, smells, and sounds of restaurants and movie theaters can be overwhelming to the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

• Recognizing the emotions that come with dating is also a challenge.  Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome usually have a hard time identifying emotional facial expressions, body language, and conversation.

• Social skills such as social cues and gestures, two-party conversations, and understanding sarcasm, humor, and slang can be nearly impossible for the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome to sort through.

• Routine is desirable for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome, but does not always lend itself to the world of dating.  Without a set routine, he may feel he is losing control of his life.

• Obsessions work against a dating relationship unless the topic is a mutual interest.  If not, this obsession will definitely compete for the affections of the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Parents can help their teen with these Asperger’s dating issues.  The first thing parents should do is teach basic dating guidelines like how a person should be treated, how to guarantee safety, and how to develop friendships.  It is also a good idea for parents to role-play and practice dating situations, as well as review proper social skills.  “The Guide to Dating for Teenagers with Asperger Syndrome,” by Jennifer Uhlenkamp is a book written in the form of a question and answer session with a special education teacher.  This is followed by sections of discussion questions to help parents talk with their teens.

Some teens may need professional help with Asperger’s dating issues.  Autism support groups often have social skills classes for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Individual counseling can help reduce anxiety and fear over the dating situation.

This time of life is scary and exciting for teens with Asperger’s.  Dating does not have to be anxiety-ridden.  With the help of parents, teachers, and counselors, teens with Asperger’s Syndrome can be successful in social relationships.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Question:

How do you work with the children with Aspergers in the classroom?

Answer:

When one of your students has Asperger’s, classroom strategies will be necessary to keep everyone in harmony.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have very distinctive needs.  Usually very intelligent, the student with Asperger’s may struggle to make the grade due to the characteristics of this condition.  Sensory issues, difficulty with change and transitioning, and language pragmatics weakness are just a few of the many symptoms caused by Asperger’s Syndrome that can interfere with a child’s education.

As a classroom instructor, you must find a way to support your student with Asperger’s.  Classroom distractions, social situations, and the student’s tendency towards obsessive thinking and behavior can make this a difficult task.  Your first move should be towards purchasing a published resource.  You can find classroom guides for all types of special needs situations.

Your school’s special education department should have helpful information about the challenges of Asperger’s.  Classroom strategies should be available to you through this department.  As you begin to research classroom strategies for Asperger’s, here are some examples of what you may find.  You can eliminate those suggestions that do not apply to your classroom situation.

* Structure is one of the most common solutions since most students with Asperger’s Syndrome thrive in structured environments.  Keep your students engaged throughout the day for the best possible performance.

* Rules are important for all children, but kids with Asperger’s tend to be especially mindful of the rules.  Even in times when he desires to go a different direction, the rules will keep your student with Asperger’s on track, albeit, begrudgingly.

* Routine is another necessity.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome need to know what is happening next or they can become anxious and unproductive.

* Advanced notice of any changes in routine will help reduce the drama caused by unexpected transitions.

* Verbal and visual aids like verbal time warnings, visual timers, and daily picture schedules can help ease the student’s mind about changes and transition times.

* A safe place is an area in or outside of the classroom that can be used during a meltdown, or to prevent a meltdown.

These are just a few of the many strategies you can use to assist your student with Asperger’s.  Classroom guidelines against bullying and negative social interactions should also be considered.  With these solutions in place, your classroom should remain a positive learning environment.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

P.S. Don’t forget there are lots more great education articles at my Aspergers Education Blog

Question:

How can I help my son with Aspergers to gain advocacy skills?

Answer:

It is important that parents teach their children with Asperger’s advocacy skills.  In order to become independent adult, your son must be able to speak for himself.  Because you recognize this vital need, your son has a true advantage for a bright future.  The first step to teaching your son about self-advocacy is explaining exactly what it means to be an advocate.

Learning about Asperger’s advocacy is not complicated.  A self-advocate will be able to stand up for himself, will make his own decisions, and will understand how to find relevant information, where to find support, and what his personal rights are.  A self-advocate will be able to take all of this information and ability and use it for the appropriate purposes, to advance his position in the world.

There are several resources you can use to teach your son with Asperger’s advocacy skills.  One example is the program, “The Integrated Self-Advocacy ISA™ Curriculum: A Program for Emerging Self-Advocates with Autism Spectrum and Other Conditions,” by Valerie Paradiz, Ph.D.; foreword by Stephen Shore, Ed.D.  (Separate student workbook is also available.)  This program is a complete curriculum that guides the individual to make a self-advocacy portfolio.  It can be used in the school setting or in the home.

When teaching your son with Asperger’s advocacy skills, you must first begin with self-awareness.  Your son must know his diagnosis of Asperger’s, what it means for him personally, and how it affects him in every way.  Once he owns his diagnosis, he will be on his way to making his own decisions.  However, there is still a lot of work for him to do before he becomes a self-advocate.  Here are the next steps.

• He needs to witness an advocate in action.  This can mean watching you during his IEP meeting, for example.  It could also be a specific advocacy aide that is chosen to work with your son.  He will watch this person plan the motion, but only as an observer.

• He needs an advocacy aide to act as his guide.  This aide will plan the activity or motion along with your son, sharing the advocacy opportunity.  This step can take quite a while, with the guide’s participation slowly weaning downward.  Eventually, the participation will become equal and then move on towards independent self-advocacy.  Given the variable of self-advocacy opportunities, this step could take months or it could take years.

• He needs the support of his aide as he begins to take on more responsibility.  This step will evolve slowly over time, as discussed above.

• He needs to take control as his aide witnesses his self-advocacy.  You will notice that the roles have completely reversed.  Your son is now gaining control.