“That’s MY life” shouted a lot of you after reading last week’s brief story of a mom.

Well that’s what many of you told me in your emails. You also said you were happy knowing you are not alone. Others have trodden your path already. And many more will do so too.

And as promised I’m going to reveal some of the success strategies of this mom. In actual fact there is 1 major attribute running through those successes . . .

 

What was the #1 thing which took this boy from pre-school fighting to a valued, award winning, 10 year old school boy?

 

Drum roll please  . . .

His mom’s attitude.

She never settled. She never had low expectations. She expected him to achieve, just like you would any child. The Asperger’s label didn’t matter.

He was a really smart kid. So for her to assume he wouldn’t achieve because of Asperger’s would have been wrong. She didn’t. But sadly many parents do.

 

 

Their motives are generally good. They’re trying to “protect” their child or themselves, from failure and upset. So it’s entirely understandable, but just plain wrong. It sends out an incorrect message, which can program your child’s behaviour . . .

 

“Mom and dad don’t think I can do much. So guess what I won’t . . .”

 

Clever sounding psychologists would call it a self fulfilling prophecy. In fact one famous study in the 1960’s by Harvard professor Dr. Robert Rosenthal found just that.

He randomly assigned children in a class as “high achievers”. Kids whose IQ  would grow rapidly over the year.

This was not based on any ACTUAL facts about these kids, it was purely random.  Yet by year end these kids did increase their IQ much more than the others.

This was put down the teacher’s expectations of them being so much higher. Leading to a self fulfilling prophecy.

Now I’m not suggesting it’s as simple as attitude. It takes a lot of work too. Often gruelling and exhausting work. But the results will pay off. Your child has so many great skills locked inside them. Your job is to unlock  them.

So back to last week’s story again and the hard wortk of this particular mom:

When the boy had problems with words, his mom helped him find a strategy around it.

He used to eat little except white bread and rice. But through mom’s perseverance he’ll now eat pizza, green veggies, chicken, guacamole and more.

Mom held an expectation he would be social. Yet she also didn’t over whelm and push him too much (a balancing act). He now has a couple of good friends.

The self fulfilling prophecy runs through every section of your child’s life. It’s not just about you as their parent. Although that’s significant.

It’s the expectations of grandparents . ..  teachers . ..  siblings . . . school colleagues . . . sports coaches and more.

Wherever and whenever you need to – educate these people. Let them know your child needs normal expectations to thrive.

As Sam Walton (founder of Walmart) once said:

 

“High expectations are the key to everything”

 

So keep on expecting,

 

 

It was 12:15 and the school yard was buzzing with activity. Girls were skipping, playing hopscotch and chatting about the latest Disney movie. The boys were more basic. Pushing, shoving and playing ball. Everywhere there was noise . . . and lots of it.

This was definitely not Eric’s favorite place. In fact he hated it. Every day he’d sneak off to his safe little corner and eat lunch. 2 slices of bread, 2 slices of baloney, no butter. Cheetos and a bottle of water.  But today was different . . .

In Math Eric had received a note. Kevin Philips had written it and passed it to Sean Edwards. And with a tap on the shoulder Eric had his note.

Eric had NEVER had a note.

The cool kids like Kevin, Brian and Larry were always passing them. The girls too. But never Eric. He could barely control himself. His palms were sweating and he was desperate to read it.

He quickly unfolded the note and was amazed by the words . . .

“Eric –

Want to play catch ball with us at lunch?

Kevin”

Those 10 words brought joy to Eric’s heart.

He eagerly turned to Kevin and smiled with a big thumbs up. Wow, Kevin Philips asking ME to play ball. This is so cool.

Unknown to Eric, Kevin winked across at Larry Gates. He whispered to Randy Coulson “we’re on”.  And sat back with a sly grin.

 

After what seemed like hours, the lunch bell rang. Eric stuffed his books away in a flash. He took a quick glance at Kevin who smiled back. This really was going to happen . . .

Eric excitedly took off to his normal lunch time spot. He sat under the shade of the tree and unpacked his lunch.

He set about his sandwich like a starving man; he didn’t want to miss the big game . . .

 

Kevin, Brian and Larry began throwing a ball in the school yard. Laughing and joking in the sun. A few of the girls sat close by – no doubt admiring Brian’s blue eyes and long blonde hair. How Eric wanted to be a part of it.

When will it start? When will they ask me over? It’s been 5 minutes now thought Eric. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Perhaps the note was for tomorrow? Perhaps it was a joke? But wait . . .

Kevin glanced across and shouted “Hey Eric!”. He was waving him over. This was it . . .

Kevin stuffed the remains of lunch back in the bag. He raced across the playground.

“We’re gonna play catch now “ said Kevin

“Sure” Kevin replied and stood glued to the spot.

What do I do next?

Where should I stand?

Blind panic filled Eric . . .

 

He wanted to run but knew it’d blow the whole thing. He stood and waited, hoping for direction. Fortunately it came . . .

“Hey dork  . ..  sorry I mean  . . . hey Eric why don’t you move over there”.

Brian pointed about 10 yards away. Eric walked over there. Strangely a crowd seemed to be gathering. It seemed odd everyone wanting to see this game of catch. But hey . . .

“OK here we go” said Kevin throwing  the ball gently at Eric.

The blood pumped faster through Eric’s veins. I have to catch this, I have to catch this, he said to himself. With outstretched hands he grabbed it.

A few kids clapped. Weird, thought Kevin . . .

 

Now what?

Who do I throw it to?

Do I throw it back to Kevin or should it go to Brian?

What about Larry?

If I get this wrong everyone will laugh, worried Eric. There’s no rules for me to follow. Help . . .

“Here throw it over” shouted Larry.

Phew . . . saved again. Eric pulled back his arm and let go. The ball sailed through the air. Larry had to run a few yards, but caught it.

“Nice throw” said Larry and again a few people clapped, and a few began laughing too . . .

The crowd  was getting bigger now. Too many people. Too much noise.

Eric felt uncomfortable, but had to hold his nerve . . .

 

“This is my chance, I can’t blow it.”

Larry threw to Brian, who threw it on to Kevin. Then Kevin smiled at Eric

“Are you ready for this?”

Eric smiled back. Kevin extended his arm. But this time much further. And with more force. This doesn’t seem right thought Eric, but carried on smiling anyway.

The ball whizzed through the air in a blur. It smashed straight into Eric’s nose. Stinging him and making his eyes water. Cruel laughter engulfed him.

I’m hurt, so why are they laughing? wondered Eric sadly.

Eric slumped to the floor and felt the prick of hot tears run down his face . . .

 

He wished he was back in his quiet corner with his baloney sandwich. Kevin sauntered over . . .

Maybe it’ll still be OK. Maybe he’s going to say sorry. We’re friends now; it must have been an accident.

But as he got closer Eric knew something had changed. Kevin’s smile looked mean. He got closer, leaned over and yelled “sucker” in Eric’s ear. Then he pushed Eric in the back.

The crowd yelled too . . . “Go Kevin, Go Kevin”.

Eric’s insides were knotted up and ready to explode in pain. He put his head in his hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

Then he felt someone else touch his back . . .

 

It was a softer touch, slowly patting him. He looked up and saw Jessica. Jessica was a quiet girl in Eric’s class. Her blue eyes felt warm and comforting, and she smiled a kind smile. “Come on Eric” she said and helped him up. The crowd were still yelling and taunting. But it didn’t matter now . . .

Jessica walked Eric  back to his favorite spot. Away from the noise.  Away from the mean kids. She sat him down and opened his bag. She took out his sandwich and handed it to him.

 

Eric felt saved . . .

 

He ate some sandwich, and Jessica rubbed his back a little more. “Just ignore those stupid boys” she said. “From now on I’ll be your friend”. Eric smiled.

Despite the pain in his nose. Despite his nerves being torn to shreds inside. He smiled. He’d found a true friend and things would be OK.

This story is about the many children with Asperger’s who struggle in school daily. Yet who keep going to find friendships and success. It’s for the Eric’s, the Robert’s, the James’, the Michael’s of the world.

And it’s for their parents, siblings and the friends who love them. So on Autism Awareness Day I want to pause and honor all of you, for doing all you do.

Dave Angel

PS – Please share or like on Facebook to support Autism Awareness Day.

The 504 plan refers to Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973. Legislation which guarantees certain rights to people with disabilities. It means children should not be preventing from benefiting from public school because of their disability.

Schools must comply with Section 504 by:

Identifying students with disabilities

Evaluating these students

Creating a written accommodation (504) plan for eligible students.

Parents, teachers, and school staff are part of the process. Parents have due process rights. When they disagree with the decision of the school, they have rights to an impartial hearing.

I interviewed Mary Romaniec; a parent and education activist from Massascheussets. Here’s what she said about 504 for children with Asperger’s below:

“Here’s what happens in the Asperger’s kids, in particular. They are your gray area kids, meaning they do well academically, but not so well socially or emotionally.

School districts say, “Hey, we’re only responsible for helping your kid academically. Who cares about the rest of this?” And a lot of school districts just say, “Your kid doesn’t qualify for an IEP because his test scores or his grades are good.”

But the parents are, on the other hand, going, “You don’t know what it took to get those. My kid comes home and melts every day. My kid has social anxiety issues that are over the top. My child has no friends. I need to do something to put in place to take the stress levels off my kid.”

And that’s the part that’s really hard for parents of Asperger’s children, in particular, to go in and negotiate because their kids are doing well academically, but they’re missing this key point, and they’re not doing well holistically.

And that’s for the parents to go and advocate, “Look! We’ve got some major holes in this. Academically, yes, but everywhere else, he’s falling apart,” or “she’s falling apart, and we need to find a way to plug in these holes.” And parents really need to stick to their guns, so if they’re told no, say, “Guess what? I’m going to go find a way to get a yes.

Even if it means that my child needs to be pulled from the district. And I’ll be figuring out a way that you pay for the out-of-placement district because you’re choosing not to accommodate my child within a typical classroom.

Or sometimes a typical classroom is the problem, and we need to find an accommodation outside of the typical classroom. I think, to be honest with you, I think Asperger’s kids are more difficult to, I don’t want to say to advocate for, but to ensure that they are protected because school districts look at things with one set of eyes, “How are they doing academically?” And they’re not seeing the whole picture. The Asperger’s kids are the ones that concern me more than any of them.

If you are in the habit of writing a myriad of letters, you’re already one step ahead. The next thing that you do beyond writing the letters as to your position is to seek an outside opinion of an expert that’s going to ensure that your child’s educational needs are met. An outside educational consultant is helpful. Sometimes a neuropsychologist is helpful. Any of these experts that go to back up the proper program that your child needs.

I also recommend that parents look for outside placement, if necessary. But they’ve got to go in with the thought process of figuring out what is wrong with the school district that your child cannot learn there. And making sure that you position it so that if you need an outside placement, that that is the only placement that is appropriate for your child.So that if your child has anxiety issues and the anxiety issues are exacerbated in a typical classroom setting, you have to stipulate as to why the out of district placement is the only one that’s good.

If you don’t go down that path of stipulating as to why your child needs that, then you’re going to be lost. What happens more often than not is parents say, “Well, I prefer it,” or “I think this is what my child needs,” but they don’t back it up and you need to back it up with all the experts.

And I always suggest to parents be fair. Make for sure that it isn’t just a preference of yours, but really rather, it’s something that your child absolutely has got to have. And be firm when you get to that perspective. “

(This interview was extracted from my “Asperger’s Education” program. Email me if you want more details).

Please add your thoughts and experiences of the 504 program in the comments section below.

Dave Angel

What’s your opinion on politics and ASD in your country?

Is enough being done?

Are there good initiatives being made?

Please share your thoughts below in the comments box . . .

Question:

I am not sure he has been properly diagnosed. He was assessed by the school board’s psych associate when he was 5 years old. His parents had just divorced and his world was crumbling around him. The teacher suggested aspergers and ADHD and this is what was reported. I am a retired SPEC Ed. consultant and have been in contact with several aspergers children. None of them resembled my grandson. Although I know he has problems, I am not convinced his diagnosis is the right one.

 

Answer:

It is not uncommon that children receive the incorrect diagnosis of Aspergers. Many medical and educational professionals believe that they have the qualifications to diagnose Aspergers when they do not.  It takes a great deal of specialized knowledge to make a diagnosis of Aspergers in children.  It is okay to question the diagnosis of your grandson because he could very well have an inaccurate diagnosis.

Here are a few things that you can do to help your grandson in school and in life.

• You have the right to request a re-evaluation.  The special education personnel at your grandson’s school should offer free testing to diagnose his condition.  Depending on the school or area, testing usually takes place every three years.  If the time has been less than 3 years, you have a right to request another evaluation of your grandson to identify any changes in his condition.

 

It is usually required that the parent or guardian has access to the child’s school information or to request testing and meetings, but if you are not the legal guardian, the parents may have to make these arrangements. It may take a few days or a few weeks to get your grandson retested.  It really depends on the workload of the person testing him.

 

• You can seek outside testing for your grandson.  Parents and guardians have a right to seek testing for their children from outside sources.  The only drawback to receiving this type of diagnosis is that the parents and guardians are responsible for paying for the visits. It may take several appointments to get a diagnosis, and the professional making the diagnosis may order expensive tests as part of the diagnosis process.

 

This is not meant to deter you from seeking an outside diagnosis, but you should know that there are costs involved.  Once you receive the diagnosis from the outside source, you should bring the information to your child’s school, meet with the special education personnel, and discuss the findings so that you all can figure out how to move forward with your grandson’s needs.

 

• Your grandson should also receive counseling.  It may be a good idea to request counseling as a part of your grandson’s education needs. His parents’ divorce could affect his education and the matter should be addressed.  You can seek outside counseling if you do not feel comfortable with the services he receives in school.

If you believe that the diagnosis is incorrect, you should persist until you feel comfortable with the diagnosis.  It may be a good idea to receive a diagnosis from at least 3 Aspergers professionals to determine if the diagnosis is correct.

 

Question

Should a pleasant 5 year old be in school with peers when this is his greatest phobia?

Answer

For children of all ages with Asperger’s, school phobia can be a serious problem.  The social element is one of the main reasons children struggle in the school setting.  Other reasons include sensory issues, anxiety, various triggers, and difficulties with change and transitions.  Leaving the comfortable routine of home to begin school can be especially difficult for any five-year-old.  In most cases, the child can adapt.  In some cases, the child may need extra support to make this adjustment.

Unfortunately for your child with Asperger’s school phobia, school attendance is mandatory by the ages of 5-7 in most states.  Contact your local board of education to verify your state’s compulsory school attendance age to be certain.  If possible, you can delay starting school until your child reaches the compulsory age.  There are advantages and disadvantages to this option.  Make sure you consider how this may affect your child’s future.  If this option seems unreasonable, here are a few additional suggestions.

• Speak with your child’s current therapists (if applicable) to determine an appropriate plan to conquer this phobia.  They can help prepare your child for the upcoming school year during therapy sessions. The therapists may also advise on whether delayed school entry is a viable option.

• Work on coping skills to help your child manage his phobia.  You must determine what triggers his phobia and what the exact problem is.  Is it the sensory issues of crowds, smells, and sounds?  Is it the social issues of relating to other people?  Once you know you can use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to teach him proper coping skills.  You can learn more about CBT from your child’s current therapists or by searching the library and Internet for information.  Basically, CBT helps the child recognize that his emotions affect his actions.  Once realized, the child can learn to control his emotional responses.

• Contact your child’s school and request a meeting with the special education coordinator.  It will help to start the special education process as soon as possible.  Having a medical diagnosis of Autism before enrollment should help you get special education placement and accommodations.  Even if the meeting with the special education department does not produce quick results, it will help prepare the school for your child’s challenges and help you being to build a relationship with school administrators.

There are many benefits from going to school for children with Asperger’s school phobia.  Besides the educational benefits, school can provide an excellent source of therapies and social opportunities when the proper support is in place.  However, education is not one-size-fits-all.  Private schools specializing in Autism and homeschooling are also viable options to consider.

Good luck,

Dave Angel

Question

Are there classes geared towards teaching kids how to get the most of their talents instead of focusing on their deficits?

Answer

Focusing on your child’s strengths is very important to their development and their self-image.  Finding ways to highlight their talents is one of the best things that you can do for your child.  Finding classes that teach children to get the most out of their talents may be available in your area, but there are also other things that you can personally do to help your child as well.  The following are tips to help your child get the most of his or her talents:

 

Talk to people at the child’s school and in the community about classes.  Taking classes to focus on the talents of a child with Asperger’s is very good.  There may or may not be opportunities to take classes at the school or in the community.  Asking around is the best way to find such classes. Also contact your local Asperger’s groups to see if there are options available for your child.  In the event there is nothing available, you may want to get with others to see if you all can create classes that will help those with Asperger’s focus on their talents.

 

Use the child’s talent to help others.  Your child may be very proud that he or she is able to show someone something that they may not know. For example, if your child is good at higher level mathematics, he or she may be able to tutor other students who are struggling to understand how to complete their mathematics assignments.  This can also be a tool to help your child gain new friends and interact with others as well.

 

Host a community information fair.  You may want to consider getting with other parents of children with Asperger’s so that you all can create a fair to showcase the talents of your children.  You can have information  about Asperger’s available for those in the community, and you can have booths set up to display the talents of the children.  It doesn’t have to be a really big event—just something small in the community and hopefully the event grows over the years.

 

There is nothing better than allowing a child with Asperger’s to show off his or her talents to others. Doing so will help him or her boost their self-value and confidence, and he or she can leave knowing that their talents are appreciated, and valued among their families and those in the community.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

How do you deal with the negative behaviors of Asperger’s  (e.g. temper tantrums and having no empathy for other family members) on a daily basis?

Answer

For families living with Asperger’s, negative behaviors can seem to dominate the atmosphere, leaving an air of contention over the entire household.  The tantrums, rigidity and lack of social communication skills can do real damage to family relationships.  It helps to remember that these behaviors are a direct result of some type of difficulty your child is facing and struggling to overcome.  Examples of this may be times of transition, like changing from play time to homework time, or outside interferences interrupting his special interest time.  Dealing with these negative behaviors with punishment almost always seems to make matters worse.  The child feels attacked for trying to communicate in the best way he knows how.

For weary parents of children with Asperger’s, negative behaviors can seem too routine and too overwhelming to correct.  It can be done by creating a plan.  Parents must first identify each negative behavior and its cause.  Each family member can contribute to this step, which should be done without the child’s knowledge.  No one wants to see and hear a list of his worst attributes.  However, the negative has to be identified before it can be conquered.  Here are some additional suggestions to help complete this process.

• Rate each negative behavior to decide what needs immediate attention.  List the behaviors, the causes, the desired behaviors, and the supports needed for each problem behavior you hope to correct.  Once you have a complete list, you can start working on each behavior one at a time.

• Use rewards to reinforce positive changes and behaviors.  Special treats like candy and stickers make good rewards for young children.  Older children work well when they earn points they can save up for big rewards.

• Remind family members to offer the suggested support instead of a negative reaction.  The repetitive nature will help reinforce the desired behavior.

• When negative behaviors crop up, remain calm.  Suggest a time out for everyone if tempers flare.  This is not a punishment, but a chance to regain composure and calm attitudes.

When dealing with Asperger’s negative behaviors, remember to recognize your child’s feelings.  Most negative behaviors stem from frustration due to a lack of communication skills.  As your child matures, this ability should mature with him, naturally reducing his negative behaviors.  If you fail to see improvement once you implement your behavior modification plan, your child may need outside help to make positive changes.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

How do you teach your teenage son with Asperger’s about appropriate dating behaviors and interacting appropriately with the opposite sex? 

Dating is an important rite of passage into adulthood for your teen with Asperger’s.  Relationships can be difficult for him to form and maintain for several reasons.  The biggest influences are usually the lack of appropriate social skills, the struggles with sensory sensitivities, and the sometimes overwhelming anxiety.  Even though it sounds difficult to overcome, many teens with Asperger’s Syndrome are not only able, but also successful in this area.  Teaching your son about appropriate behaviors within the dating scene is a great place to start.

For a teen with Asperger’s, relationships within the peer group, whether dating the opposite sex or friendships with both sexes, hold much merit.  These types of relationships signal typical behavior, meaning success in this area will help your teen fit in among his typical peers.  If your teen has a couple of good friends, he will likely move into dating relationships with some ease.  If not, you can start by teaching him basic friendship skills.  Here are some ideas to help you get started.

• Make a list of your teen’s interests and positive qualities.  Use this list to form some ideas on where to find possible friends.
• Help your teen find like-minded peers that can become his friends.  Name peers from school, church, extended family, and your neighborhood that are possibilities.  Concentrate on those with similar values and interests.
• Become the hang-out house.  For example, invite your teen’s peers over for pizza and video games.  There is less pressure within a group.  Watch for obvious friend connections.
• Encourage group plans like movies outings, skating, and bowling.  Keep your teen’s sensory issues in mind.  If he is uncomfortable in noisy, brightly lit places, you want to stay away from those types of events.  You want him to be in his best element.
• Role-play appropriate behaviors and responses for many different situations.  This is a common teaching method for kids with Asperger’s Syndrome.
• Watch movies about friendships and critique the action on the screen.  Use the pause button during the parts that need special attention.  You can use this teaching method to show your teen both proper and improper behaviors.

As your teen with Asperger’s relationships build, you can be assured that dating is achievable.  You can use the same tips above to teach about dating relationships.  Make sure to concentrate on concepts such as body language, personal hygiene, and the art of conversation.  A lack of preparation in any of these areas can quickly derail a budding relationship.  With a little practice and your encouragement, your teen will soon be ready for the dating scene.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

How do I discover the unique talents and skills of my child with Asperger’s and then how to help him use them to his advantage?

Answer

As parents, it is wise to learn the unique talents and skills possessed by your child with Asperger’s.  Strengths are usually directly related to your child’s special interests and can be used to shape your child’s future.  Focusing on your child’s God-given abilities and interests will allow him to grow his skills and develop his strengths into everything from enjoyable hobbies to possible career choices.  The resulting independence is what every parent dreams of for their child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

If you observe your child with Asperger’s, strengths or special interests will become obvious to you.  Many people think children with Asperger’s Syndrome all focus on similar interests.  They think Asperger’s means computer geeks or research scientists.  While these are two very popular areas of interests, your child’s interests will be unique to him and as varied and individual as he is human.  Here are a few additional thoughts about discovering your child’s talents and skills.

• Watch to see what activities or topics seem to absorb your child’s attention.  He may enjoy computer time, that’s true.  However, it could be certain computer activities that really grab his interest, or even a particular character or topic.  See if he focuses his computer use, television time, and book choices on a particular topic or character.
• What comes easily to your child?  Educational strengths, hobbies, and social opportunities in which he willingly participates will divulge clues to your child’s likes.
• Foster the interests that make your child healthy and happy.  A child with Asperger’s Syndrome can become obsessive, which can lead to an unhealthy balance.  Too much of a good thing often leads to trouble.  Help your child expand his talents and skills through his special interests by setting healthy limits you can both live with.

 

For your child with Asperger’s, strengths-based activities can encourage growth in so many developmental areas.  Use your child’s strengths to his advantage every chance you get.  Volunteer opportunities can allow your child to use his skills in a variety of situations.  Job shadowing settings will allow your child to practice his skills and learn more about possible careers.  This can lead to a summer or part-time job perfect for his unique talents when the time comes.  All of these scenarios can possibly strengthen your child’s social standing within your community-another win for him.  These connections can lead to exciting and fulfilling opportunities for your child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks,

Dave Angel