Last week I talked about how tiring social encounters can be for people with Asperger’s.

I quoted one particular woman who said she could occasionally cope meeting up with friends – but it left her exhausted and

needing a good break at home to ‘recharge her batteries’.

This rang true for Angie, (a mom in our support group, who wrote about her daughter:

“This explains so much – although I kind of already knew it – it’s just good seeing it in words.

Haley is always exhausted after anything social. Lots of times her socializing is a negative experience to some degree in that

she just doesn’t get it. She does not give up though. She has learned many things from her “failures” and does a bit better

the next time. We talk. We always talk about the situation.

She recently had an altercation with her cousin. We had all been camping for several days, it was hot, everyone was tired.

Her cousin was clearly upset about something and Haley kept bugging her to talk to her. They ended up saying some hateful

things, leaving the tent and not speaking to each other.

When we got home, I asked Haley to write a paper and what her part was, what she could do differently, and some positive steps

for the future. She did this and even googled how to make an apology. She then called the cousin and read her the paper. Her

cousin is still hurting and not ready to pick up again, but Haley was able to process this, and learn from it. She even felt

successful after it was over and yeah for her being able to own her part!”

Further proof (if required) of the energy sapping effects of social contact.

The constant 2nd guessing of other people’s communication via their body language, words and more.

When you have ASD you have to do this much more deliberately and consciously (rather than in a more automatic, unconscious way)

so it’s SO much harder and time consuming.

I just loved Hayley using Google to make an apology too. Simple yet effective; a great way to respond. There are always answers out there when

you know where to look.

And talking of finding answers . . .

One of the great features of The Parenting Asperger’s Community is the ability to ask for answers to your parenting questions any

time you want, 24-7, in our online support group. Plus have instant access to over 600 articles, 33 eBooks and a monthly

newsletter on virtually everything you can think of when it comes to parenting a child with Asperger’s. For more details on how

this could help you, head on over to the website at:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3XHse_R6LrJlRMX&b=j_OMnQ._PfGFJGVbIxOLIw

To answers,

Dave Angel

Stumbled upon a ‘virtual’ fist fight yesterday, in a group on Facebook.

There was a message posted by a mom of a 20+ yr old with ASD. She said her son wasn’t working OR at college.

Just living at home and doing very little, in her eyes.

Another mom replied with a hard line solution . . .

Stop his internet and creature comforts until he makes more effort. If he doesn’t . . . kick him out.

Cue back and forth arguments between those who agreed, and those who didn’t.

The funny thing was . . .

Both sides actually had pretty similar views (i.e. don’t make things too easy at home if you want to help your child/teen/adult with ASD develop life skills).

Yet it became 1 almighty mud fight.

I guess because of the way most people communicate on the Book of Face.

Often very dramatic.

Often very hyped up.

Often a competition (who’s right and who’s wrong).

Not my cup of Darjeeling. Way too much drama-rama.

I do read quite a bit on Facebook. Pick up many great tips and ideas. However always stay clear of the mud-slingers.

(Way too negative and exhausting.)

Which is why in the Facebook support group I’m lucky enough to run here at Parenting Asperger’s I make sure it’s the POLAR OPPOSITE:

Zero drama.

Zero hype.

Zero competitive fighting.

Just a group of around 230 parents, adults with ASD and a few professionals. Sharing ideas, experiences and inspiration.

Helping and supporting one another, each and every day. One member (Jacqui) simply refers the group as ‘family’ – which is a great testament to

the caring way in which it all operates.

Sound interesting? Something you might benefit from as parent? Well if it does – then you can find out how you can join us at the following web page:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3ZmEdA7WnrJlRMX&b=5AQqGINuJLGWhtnsQSeSKQ

To group strength,

Dave Angel

One of privileges of my day job is helping move people with a range of skill sets (including Asperger’s, ASD, developmental

disabilities etc.) into more independent housing.

It’s great to help people set their lives up for a future, with more choice and control.

Part of it involves understanding the background and family network of people. So everyone can help make it a success.

However for one guy in his 70’s this sadly wasn’t an option.

He had NO family whatsoever.

And the bit that choked me . . .

He NEVER had family . . . from age 3.

Unsure where his mom was. But dad had felt unable to care for him. Left him in a care setting and moved 1000’s miles away overseas.

Never made contact since. So this guy’s spent 70 years on this earth alone, save for paid carers and fellow residents wherever he lived.

Just so sad.

Yet . . .

To meet him he’s the happiest, smiling-est chap you could come across.

Loves walking in the countryside, drinking tea in the local cafe, and just being with people.

Everyone he meets is enraptured by his grin and upbeat personality.

He can definitely light up a room.

The point of this bitter-sweet tale?

Family.

No matter what – most of us have some.

Not always 100% as we’d like at times (can’t choose your family right?) but they are there.

And sometimes we can forget what a gift it is not to be completely alone in this world.

A gentle reminder for us all.

And if you’d like more stories and tips about life, parenting and much more head on over to :

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3elQoMi7YrJlRMX&b=jslun.sG1shmcl37Ioa7dg

To family,

Dave Angel

Quick update:

I’m putting together resources about schooling for children and teens with Asperger’s.

The plan is to start sharing them with you in my emails late July/early August. So watch out for more on that.

Meantime I wanted to share this little email from Jodi Northway (a mom in Tampa, Florida)

“Dave,

I’d like to offer some advice regarding School year information.

Parents must meet and greet all the teachers including the Art Teacher , the lunchroom ladies , the Physical Education teachers

and the librarian.

Let them know your child has Asperger’s and explain what Asperger’s is to them identify their child’s do’s and don’ts so that the

parents have a working network and they understand their issues going into the beginning of the school year.

Have a printout to hand them to keep on file for their use as to what work’s in calming situations. Also hand to the teachers

for any substitutes to have.

The more the school representatives know the more chaos you can try to avoid.

In my experience this helped immensely I did not only rely on the Specials Coordinator/Teacher/School Counselor/Social Worker

to know this information.

Thanks Dave for all you do for these parents and kids/adults. You’re the Greatest!!!!

Sincerely grateful,

Jodi Northway”

Great tip – built on Jodie’s own experiences. Often the best information you can find comes from parents who have been through

something already (the help they give is proven AND tested!)

And talking of helpful tips. We share all kinds of great parenting tips in the Parenting Asperger’s Community which help you overcome the

of obstacles you may be facing in day to day life. Interested? You can join us:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3ZYx5vHyvrJlRMX&b=2Hd9vPZbU1WcbR7X1OZIIw

To school tips,

Dave Angel

Found a cool list of “secrets autistic people will never tell you” written by a young man on the spectrum called Nicholas

Fearn. Here’s 5 I really liked (with my thoughts on them):

1. If you really want to annoy us, compare us to Rain Man.

Abso –blooming – lutely! In my humble opinion that one movie did so much to give the general public the WRONG impression,

about life for people on the spectrum.

2. The idea that we lack empathy is nothing more than a misconception.

Children on the spectrum are empathic. They HAVE those feelings, just struggle to express them in the way we as a society expect.

In many cases children on the spectrum are too empathic. Other people’s pain can vividly become their own.

3. Some of us can struggle with sarcasm.

This is a tough one. The words on their own aren’t enough. It’s the context . . . the tone . . . they way they are said

which gives their true meaning. A really hard one for Aspies to call.

4. We don’t like being told that we’re not capable of doing things “normal people” can do.

Hurrah to this one! Couldn’t agree more. I hate the word “normal”. Who in the heck gets to say what is or isn’t “normal”?

There’s difference everywhere. And as long as it’s not harming anyone it should be respected and allowed to be.

Not constantly compared to some ludicrous manufactured arbitrary sense of “normal”.

5. Having a diagnosis isn’t something we use to differentiate ourselves from society. It just gives us a sense of identity.

WE ALL need identity. Otherwise it’s a lonely old world. So if people on the spectrum flock together under a shared label – of

their choice – great stuff. Theirs to choose. Theirs to keep.

Hope that’s been of interest. And if you’d like more tips and insights on raising children with ASD:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3gwgXAE_rrJlRMX&b=F.BfxxCW.k6.C.CcHXyXmw

To sharing opinions,

Dave Angel

I lately started a show on Netflix called “Scorpion”.

(One of you kindly readers recommended it to me last year as quite an “aspie-centric” show).

It’s loosely based on the true story of Irish genius Walter O’Brien. A child prodigy who aged 13

hacked into the NASA computers for fun. Since been employed for his amazing analytical skills by the US government).

Although he does not have a diagnosis of ASD – the logical thinking, and problems with social situations he experiences, point in that direction.

In the show he heads a team of amazing, maverick geniuses – protecting the world from terrible criminal/terrorist acts.

(Bit like an intellectual A Team for the new millennium!)

His side kick, on the show, Ari also likely on the spectrum. A “human calculator” math genius. Highly sensitive with OCD and lots of anxiety.

There’s also a sub plot where a waitress, Paige,) joins the team (she improbably gets involved when the team use the WiFi at her café to crack a case!). She has a son on the autism spectrum.

Paige knows her boy’s a little “different” but not sure how/why.

Walter and Ari recognize him as being a younger version of them.

A hugely gifted child but struggling with the real world.

So a deal is struck between the mom and the team:

She joins the team to help them better understand the social world around them (as adults they find this tough).

In return Ari and Walter help her better understand her child with ASD, and why he does what he does.

Which is a great analogy for what we try to do here at Parenting Asperger’s:

Every day you as parents are trying to help your child understand and navigate the social world around them.

And you’re also looking to understand your child better – why they do what they do.

So I try to fill that gap for you – by sharing as many views as I can from children, teens and adults with ASD. In the daily emails, newsletters, interviews, books and more.

Just thought I’d share that little analogy with you today (you may agree or disagree). And also recommend you check out Scorpion.

For more parenting tips and ideas:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3aDUtt5JUrJlRMX&b=iEaTWqLNCovGqlg4lbyw3g

To insights,

Dave Angel

Read a great insight into social relationships, from a lady with Asperger’s:

She had always struggled to build, and keep friendships.

In her words she could . . . “never quite ‘get’ how relationships and friendships were supposed to work.”

She tried copying people, and what they did, but it never worked out.

In fact her efforts tended to annoy and upset others (the exact opposite of what she intended).

She describes being “constantly confused and bewildered by people and social interactions”.

Over time she researched this area – and found many other young people with Asperger’s felt the same.

Never felt part of the crowd. Always on the outside.

And the REALLY INTERESTING piece of this particular jigsaw puzzle, for me, was the impact it had on her energy levels.

This very articulate lady described how she could, on occasion, go out with female friends. Try hard and be at least

a part of the crowd. But it left her . . .

EXHAUSTED.

So much effort expended on 2nd guessing every interaction, trying to say the right thing, reading body language etc.

Afterwards she would have to go straight home to “recharge her batteries”.

It’s something we all need to keep in mind (although I suspect you probably know this anyone).

Energy levels can be depleted for people with Asperger’s MUCH quicker than we may realize.

And tiredness can lead to further anxiety, low mood, lack of motivation and more (in the nastiest and vicious-est of circles).

Down time is ESSENTIAL, for anyone with ASD to be able to cope with the daily challenges they face.

Hope that’s a helpful little share for you today. And if you’d like more real life tips and stories about parenting children, teens

and Adults with ASD:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3kI4rj51.rJlRMX&b=jLamPsOmYILig_DMVa0pjw

To sharing,

Dave Angel

Had the mum of a teen girl with Asperger’s ask this question recently in our members group:

“How do I know if she CAN’T or WON’T do something?”

Her daughter is really bright (high IQ and really good academically) but mom spends a lot of time and energy on chasing

her up about personal hygiene, keeping her room tidy etc.

As you can imagine her message prompted a number of head nodding replies – from other parents going through exactly the same.

Some great nuggets of advise in there. My favorite was from Gavin (an adult with ASD and also a father) who said:

“Just be there for her when she needs you and make sure that she knows that she has a non judgemental parent she can always

rely on for support, guidance and acceptance. Don’t worry so much about her motivations, if she feels supported, she will do her best.”

I thought this was really eloquent and re-frames the question slightly.

You can (and may well) drive yourself to distraction as to what’s ‘normal teen behavior’ and what’s ‘Asperger’s’.

Often impossible to tell.

So the best thing you can do as a parent – is try to control your response, to what your child does.

If your response is always kind (but firm when needed) and showing unconditional love – what better environment for your child to

be raised in . . . to maximize what they can do already, and be encouraged to try more at things they find a challenge.

For more parenting Q and A:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3h6msfNTObJlRMX&b=zCk6QfUZT6o7BugUND3BfA

To answer questions,

Dave Angel

Questions are powerful.

They challenge us . . . make us think . . . put some perspective on what’s going on.

So they can be helpful when a child is getting really upset.

1 mom suggested that when problems occur you should try asking:

“Is this a big problem, a medium problem, or a small problem?”

Now if your child’s in a full blown meltdown – this may not have much impact.

But introduced over time, this way of evaluating a problem may help your child cope.

In fact when we talked about this in our members support group, anothe parents commented:

“Very nice suggestion – I will try it with my daughter although I suspect EVERY problem will be a HUGE problem but at least

perhaps she will think about it.

Perhaps even a variation on that could be (once we have determined the magnitude of the problem) whether or not the

problem that sparked the meltdown is really the problem… i.e. “what size problem is this?” and then “Is this really what you

are upset about or is there something else?”… seems like a good strategy”

Just using a couple of questions like these can make an impact.

Puts some emphasis and responsibility back to your child – by helping them to make sense of what’s going on.

Better than you trying to 2nd guess, and calm them down when you don’t really know what the original problem is.

Food for thought perhaps?

If you find tips and ideas like this helpful, then we’ve got loads more at The Parenting Asperger’s Community website:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3ZCGIfC4DbJlRMX&b=4FoRCZeDHNj6smwky_60DQ

To questions,

Dave Angel

Recently one of our members added a short video to our support group about Thomas Edison. I thought it was really inspirational.

Here’s the transcript of what it said:

“One day, as a small child, Thomas Edison came home from school and gave a paper to his mother.

He said to her “Mom, my teacher gave this paper to me and told me only you are to read it. What does it say?”

Her eyes welled with tears as she read the letter out loud to her child…

“Your son is a genius. This school is too small for him and doesn’t have good enough teachers to train him. Please teach him yourself.”

Many years after Edison’s mother had died, he became one of the greatest inventors of the century.

One day he was going through a closet and he found the folded letter that his old teacher wrote his Mother that day. He opened it…

The message written on the letter was “Your son is mentally deficient. We cannot let him attend our school anymore. He is expelled.”

Edison became emotional reading it and then wrote in his diary:

“Thomas A. Edison was a mentally deficient child whose mother turned him into the genius of the Century.”

A positive word of encouragement can help change anyone’s destiny.”

If there was ever a better story about the love of a mother and what it can do for a child’s destiny, then I’ve yet to see it.

It’s a perfect reminder that all the kind, patient and constant things you do for all your child will reap benefits for them.

They may not become an inventor or famous person but their future will be so much more –because of what you do every day.

So in your difficult times as a parent – please remember this.

And if you’d like even more inspirational tales and stories, we’ve got plenty at:

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3flAB7SLDbJlRMX&b=KM6K6luvpFtyn_gZMrt3gg

To Edison’s mom,

Dave Angel