“It’s the only way I can turn corners,” demanded my adamant 4 year old. He made this statement after he learned how to ride his bike for the first time.

It was the summer before he started kindergarten. He was 4 years old. We got him a bike with training wheels figuring he’d use those for a bit. That wasn’t going to happen in his world. He thought he was too old to learn how to ride a bike at 4. In his mind, he should have done it sooner. We just brushed it off as him perseverating on something new.  He had taught himself how to read at 3, so who was I to tell him he couldn’t do it?

He complained about the training wheels after about five minutes. So, up went one wheel.  One wobbly ride later the more heated complaints started. His bike was broken because it was wobbly, and he couldn’t stop properly. The bike couldn’t turn corners. And it was broken because in his mind, “It just was!” Off came the training wheels. He got right back on with a very determined look.  He took off all on his own, but corners were especially difficult. They caused some major meltdowns. The only thing in his mind that helped him turn corners, only right ones, was if he lifted up his pinky finger from the handle bar. It had to be his right hand pinky finger. The left one was no good. It looked like he was ready for royal high tea.

My four year old was determined to ride straight and take corners…no matter what. In his head, only one thing was going to work. We eventually all laughed once he figured it out himself that his pinky wasn’t doing the work.

We’re taking one little step at a time and really working hard as a family to enjoy the “quirkiness” that comes with our son’s way of thinking. To be honest, sometimes it’s very hard to say that I wouldn’t want it any other way. But during the tough times, I think about those warm summer days with his right pinky high in the air, and it makes me smile enough to smooth over some of the new bumps we are facing. We see how amazing he is, and when he’s ready, I really hope he will, too!

Jennifer Covell

P.S. This is a very true story. My son is 9 years old and has Asperger’s Syndrome.

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I always knew there was something a little…different about my son. Call it mothers instinct or intuition, doesn’t matter. I wasn’t scared, but I knew I had some challenges ahead of me. All I could hope for was that I was built with strong enough stuff to keep the strength I knew would be needed to be the rock I knew I would always have to be, without fail.

At age 5 my son was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Relief at having a diagnosis, fear for his future, a surge of love for my special little boy. All normal reactions from a mother.

Of course I read everything I could on the subject. I thought “it’s going to be ok, we can deal with this”. I started right away teaching my son coping mechanisms and interpreting facial expressions and all those little tips that are given to parents with Aspie children. Of course it was all a raging failure at first because he was 5, what can I expect.

The one thing that kept repeatedly invoking actual fear in me was the empathy issue. I frantically researched this issue because, in my mind, empathy is what makes you a “good” person. I have already experienced my son’s lack of empathy, in spades.

He is mean to his little sister.  People always say”oh that’s normal”. This was not normal. He would hurt her and I was petrified because there didn’t seem to be an ounce if guilt. Now he did feel awful bad when he got caught and got in trouble for it.  In digging through the material on the subject I was desperately looking for a different answer.

In moments of despair, after a bad day with our son, my husband and I would debate the difference between Aspergers and Sociopathic behavior if there is a lack of empathy. I couldn’t believe it though. In one of our follow up appointments with our child psychologist it was stated that he may never have empathy but may learn to portray empathetic behavior. I was heartbroken. I knew my son was a good boy and I knew he cared, I just knew it.

Over the past couple years our work continued in learning how to read other peoples facial expressions and how to express one’s own feelings and substituting breakdowns with words. Progress was noticeable. My son was somewhat nicer to his sister and even started playing with her.

He was still mean to her but not as bad and not as often.  In conversations with him separate from his meltdowns he would be able to distinguish between right and wrong. This does not stop him from acting out impulsively but in time I’m sure it will lead in that direction.

What never felt true to me though was the empathy thing. It was hard to come up with specific incidents that showed he truely did feel others pain or did have guilt for his actions but I knew it was there.

In one of Dave Angel’s articles was a breakthrough concept that people with Asperger’s do, in fact, feel empathy. The difference is how they respond to this emotion. They may be portrayed as not having empathy because they don’t act in the same way as others or in a manner which is expected. But that does not mean they are lacking in this emotion, just the emotional response.  This was what I had been looking for.

This is, what I believe, the truth.  This proved the fear I had been harboring was unnecessary and unfounded.

Not long after, my son himself proved to me that I had nothing to fear. Since he was 4 years old his favorite book was “The First Encyclopedia of the Human Body”.  He is now almost 7 and we still have long talks about biology because that is where his interest lies.

I am a type 1 diabetic. Because of this my son has frequently observed me injecting myself with insulin. One day he was watching this very intently with a disturbed look on his face. I said “What’s up buddy?”  He responded, “Mama, I’ve decided that I want to be a scientist when I grow up”. I said “that’s great. Why do you want to do that?”  He pointed to the bruise on my belly and said “I want to be a scientist when I grow up so I can find the cure for diabetes and you won’t have to do that anymore”. I hugged him as long as he would tolerate it.

So now I ask “Is my son empathetic?  Yes, I think so.”

My name is Alicia Mayo. I have a 6 year old son diagnosed with Asperger’s. I have a 4 year old daughter who is happy, outgoing and has no diagnosis to speak of.   I am 37 years old and since my son’s diagnosis have decided that I very probably have Asperger’s as well.

Alicia Mayo

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To be a mother can be challenging for anyone and maybe more so if your child has Asperger’s.

Things that are difficult are things like witnessing the frustration my son Tucker has with doing homework and the screaming in anger when help is offered; the lack of interacting with kids the same age at field day or school social events; witnessing the struggle with making a decision about something as simple as going on a walk to the park with me; Tucker not participating in sports because of the fear of failing.

As a parent, I want to fix these things.

I used to feel guilt when looking back for example when my son was so young and was forced to wear those Sunday clothes and shoes.

Tucker would fight and scream as hard as he could so as not to have to put those things on his body. I did not understand. This learning about Asperger’s has been a journey and will continue to be.

Tucker coming into my life has pushed me to be quite simply, better.

Tucker has taught me what the meaning of unconditional love is, I could never love anything more than I love him, no matter what.

I have to forgive myself for anything I think I did wrong because shame or sadness will do me no good as a mother.

I have to let go of guilt; that only holds me back and stuck in the past which serves no purpose.

I have had to learn to stand up for what I believe in and trust in what I know is right for my son I must be his advocate especially in school.

What I think is important for Tucker, is usually not what is important to him i.e. having lots of friends, being involved in sports, etc. Tucker will be Tucker.

I get much support from the people I now have in my life and that I value immensely.

I have realized now, that it is O.K. to let people help; they do it because they want to and I would do the same for them is asked.

Right now, anxiety and Asperger’s the issue.

There are “hurdles” that arise but the “hurdles” give way to new knowledge. No one child with Asperger’s is the same.

They are all their own special selves.

The goal for me is to equip Tucker with everything he needs in life to be happy, to graduate from college, to have a job, to support himself and to marry and have a family if that is what he wants.

Right now, he wants to go to college and learn to be comic strip writer!

Kathy

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Have you ever repeated a phrase you’ve heard all your life, but never really thought about what you were saying? Here are a couple of examples:

The same as two peas in a pod.

Cute as a bug.

Shiny as a new penny.

It’s raining cats and dogs.

I’ve said these phrases hundreds of times, but until my son, who happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome, questioned their meaning, I never really gave them any thought.

Matt was probably 3 or 4 when he heard the “two peas in a pod” reference. I was talking about my nieces who loved the same music and the same clothes and how they were as alike as two peas in a pod, when Matt pulled my hand, looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “no two peas, in or out of a pod, are exactly the same so using that as a reference doesn’t make sense.” After I closed my gaping mouth, I told him he was right and I have never used that phrase again.

He called me on the “cute as a bug” saying about the same time. His explanation was, “if bugs are so cute, why is everyone afraid of them?” Again, he was right and I removed that phrase from my vocabulary.

“Shiny as a new penny” I still use, but I had to show him the difference between a new penny and an older penny so he could compare the two.

As you can imagine, “raining cats and dogs” took us outside in the rain to make sure no puppies were falling from the sky. I still smile when I remember how serious he was about making sure no puppies were being bounced down from the sky.

I learned quickly those quirky little sayings weren’t going to make it in our conversations. When Matthew was diagnosed with “The Little Professor’s Syndrome” it made it easier to understand since he had been teaching me new things for years.

I have learned over the past 15 years to live in a world of absolutes. Silly sayings and general phrases are only used after their validity has been checked out. My vocabulary has continued to grow in order to keep up with my amazing son’s. He continues to amaze me with his thoughts and ideas, the way he sees the world.  I believe we could all learn from our children, we just need to listen to them, to hear what they really mean when they say something. I’m so very blessed to have my son. He keeps me growing and learning in this ever-changing world we share.

About me: My name is Barbara McCormack and I am a single mother, 57 years old, with one son. We live in a small town in the western part of Texas, named Andrews. Matthew is 15 and a freshman in High School.  He was diagnosed with AS in the fourth grade. I recently retired after working as an executive assistant for 31 years. We have two dogs, BeBe and Lucy.  Matthew and I are both avid readers and spend many hours a week with our heads stuck in a book.

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Kathy’s Story:

“Our son Grant was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a young boy.

I have attended many seminars on ASD and most start with,

“If you have met one child on the spectrum, you have met one
child on the spectrum.”

So true!

Our son Grant isn’t the more typical, introverted child with
ASD, who wants people to respect his space.

He is the extremely outgoing child, who is up in everyone’s
space.

He struggles with making friends with his peers, due to saying
what most people only think and getting in people’s personal space.

But adults, most often, absolutely love him, but there are
those occasional adults, who don’t “get him” and get very offended, because he
looks so “normal”.

He is extremely happy and has such a zest for life and so much passion.

I am constantly reminding him to respect people’s personal
space.

Grant also lost three grand parents in a fairly short period
of time, so he developed a kind of obsession with death.

People are often exhausted in Dr. waiting rooms and some older
adults often nod off.

Grant would often run up to whoever he would see sleeping, get
right in their face and shout, “Wake up!”

Needless to say, they would wake up in shock.

It was always so embarrassing that I wouldn’t even bother to
try to explain.

I just prayed that no one would be frightened enough to have a
heart attack.

We did have an experience in a waiting room, which was different though.

There was a small child in the corner, probably about four
years old and as I was trying to tell Grant not to get in his personal space, ran right up to him, sat with him on the floor, right in his personal
space, gently took the book out of his hands and turned it right side up and
said, “If you struggle, I will help you!”.

Grant was probably eight at that time and now he is 15.

He still struggles with respecting other people’s personal
space and saying inappropriate things, those things that we all think, but
don’t’ say, but I always remember Grant’s compassion for that little boy who
wanted to read.

His compassion and empathy for people who struggle.

Having a child with ASD is extremely challenging, but it is
also extremely heart warming.

I learn more than I teach and I receive more than I give.”

For more real life Asperger’s stories; grab your 1 year
subscription to the Aspirations newsletter (SAVES YOU 10%) =>

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/1874.cfm

To sharing stories,

Dave Angel

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A message from Michelle (a very proud mom of Ronin):

“My brilliantly individual and quirky son has had more opportunities because of his Asperger’s.  Let me explain why.

He has the ability to get up in front of literally millions of people and sing – without an ounce of stage fright.

He has always loved to perform – since he was a small child.

He has told me that Asperger’s allows him to focus on what he loves – performing.

And he has a beautiful voice.

When he was in third grade he disappeared into the restroom.

When his teacher noticed he was missing for quite some time, she quietly stepped out of the classroom and heard a “glorious” noise from the boys bathroom.

She grabbed the other teachers and they listened in awe.

She went back to the classroom and waited for him to return.

She phoned me that evening and told me of the event.

When I asked my son why he spent so much time singing in the restroom he simply said – “it sounds much better when I sing in there”.

She encouraged him to audition for a children’s choir.

He grew from there.

Fast forward to now, the choir he has been involved with for 5 years now (the One Voice Children’s Choir) was selected to audition for America’s Got Talent.

They were voted through to the quarter finals and performed in NYC, on live national television, at Radio City Music Hall.

I asked him if he was nervous (I would be a mess with nerves) and he said simply, “No, not at all”.

When I asked him why, he said so sweetly “because I just love it too much and I will do what I have to do to keep the joy of performing alive”.

There have been awfully difficult times for us as a family as we went through all of the emotions of having a child with an ASD diagnosis.

It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been all horrible either.

As my husband and I experienced this adventure over this past summer with my child, my heart just burst with so much emotion – we made it through so much.

Not an ounce I would change for anything.

So, when there are those that look at having Asperger’s as something negative, we as a family a choosing to not see it that way. ”

You can see the choir in the video below (Ronin appears around 5 minutes 29 seconds with a close up).

To Aspies got talent!

Dave Angel

PS There’s more in depth Aspie show biz success stories in this month’s Aspirations newsletter http://www.aspirationsnewsletter.com with the Susan Boyle story.

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How the Grinch Stole an Aspie Christmas

by Dave Angel

*********************************************

Every Asperger’s family finds Christmas a bit tough

But Uncle Grinch, from up north, makes it even more rough

He doesn’t understand Asperger’s . . . not one little bit.

He never cares to find out, or even ask about it.

It could be he just doesn’t believe in the label.

Maybe he thinks young Bob is more able.

But I think perhaps the most likeliest reason of all . . .

Is it’s easier not to bother . . . not to bother at all.

Whatever the reason . . . whether interested or not.

He descends each Christmas and talks utter rot . . .

“You should discipline him, stop him acting like that”

When poor Bob (the Aspie) won’t wear his Christmas hat.

“He gets away with murder stop pandering to him”

When Bob requests the bright lights to be dim.

Mom tries to explain Bob’s sense overload.

She may as well talk in a strange foreign code.

BLANK was Uncle Grinch’s face . . . and BLANK was his brain

He simply took no notice and started again:

“Why won’t he sit down . . . eat dinner like us?”

When Bob sat stuffing plain chips down in a rush.

Once again patient mom she tried to explain.

But BLANK went his face and BLANK went his brain.

Enough was enough everyone has a limit.

And Bob’s poor patient mom had finally hit it.

“Uncle Grinch you come to our house every year

You criticize and upset us, getting right in my ear

You don’t listen to a single word that we utter

When it comes to Asperger’s you put up a big shutter

For the sake of my family and peace in our home

Please get up and go . . . just leave us alone”

Off slouched Uncle Grinch out into the night.

Gob smacked and confused – yet still sure he was right!

He couldn’t understand why they thought he was wrong.

As for Bob and family . . . they were just glad he’d gone.

They went back to their Christmas with no hats on their head.

Dim lights all around and plain food to be fed.

It was their type of Christmas – and it made them all happy

Now Uncle Grinch had departed . . . the ignorant chappy!

So to all you parents of Aspies who suffer this fate . . .

When you hear Uncle Grinch open the garden gate.

Breathe deep . . . smile big and just rise above . . .

Uncle Grinch’s old nonsense, and fly like a dove.

Or you could take a leaf from Johnny’s mom’s book.

If Uncle Grinch won’t listen give a withering look . . .

Then send him off home with his stuff and his rot.

And get on with your Christmas and enjoy it a lot.

*********************************************

Light hearted I hope, but seriously . . .

Don’t let relatives criticize . . . brow beat . . . and
generally upset you this Christmas.

If you know they aren’t going to listen and will make it
uncomfortable for everyone – with their ignorance (and lack of
interest) in understanding your child’s Asperger’s.

Politely explain this and don’t invite them.

Difficult to do?

. . . Undoubtedly.

May cause family friction?

. . . It may well.

But worth it for the sake of you and your immediate family?

. . . Definitely.

You all deserve the best possible Christmas day you can have –
and if that means Uncle Grinch gets the elbow.

So be it . . .

For more ideas and tips for parents of children with Asperger’s
– http://www.aspirationsnewsletter.com

To a happy family Christmas,

Dave Angel

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