In the 1970’s a psychology professor Albert Mehrabian (at UCLA) found something fascinating:

That only 7% of communication is verbal, i.e. WHAT we say).

38% is tone of voice.

55% is body language.

Now those are pretty precise numbers. But the principle seems to have stood the test of time.

That WHAT we say is much less important than HOW we say it.

Can you see a problem here for people on the autism spectrum?

Here’s 3 immediate ones I see . . .

Problem 1. Children with ASD struggle to understand words with double meanings

“They caught a bass” Vs “His voice belongs in the bass section”.

“He bore a hole in the wood’ Vs “You bore me”

Problem 2. Children with ASD struggle to understand metaphors

“To kill 2 birds with 1 stone”

“He’s the shining star of our school”

Problem 3. Children with ASD struggle with body language.

Shrugs, nods, eye contact, foot tapping, yawning, pacing. They all tell you something about another person and what they are communicating.

So this non verbal communication is a BIG issue for people with ASD.

If they really struggle with it – they may be getting as little as 7% of any message.

Or to turn it on their head – they are getting 93% of it WRONG.

Little wonder many with ASD:

* Fail to follow instructions.

* Find it really tough to keep a conversation flowing.

* Cannot predict how another person is thinking or how they may react.

So to help this problem we decided to go for the biggest number first . . .

55% of communication is body language. So we’ve put together a resource called “Understanding Body Language for Children with Asperger’s”, which does exactly what it says in the title.

It’s a 51 page eBook which shows you the types of body language your child needs help with, and how you can work with them to improve their skills. Because when you improve their body

language skills you make them better at communicating . . . And when they are better at communicating – they will have a better chance of surviving in the world around them. It’s a step by step thing.

If you’re interested – this resource is available in our member’s download section of The Parenting Asperger’s Community website. To become a member and gain immediate access to this (and over

40 other Parenting Asperger’s eBooks) go to: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3fht7j3wH9JlRMX&b=unoR4B7zZnZCv2D5_dwGeQ

To communication,

Dave Angel

I heard about a young lad aged 12.

He was on the autism spectrum and really enjoyed computer games.

At first his mom was able to limit it to an hour or 2 per day.

No major problems.

But then he gradually pushed at those boundaries. Creep, creep over time. Before she knew it he was playing 10-12 hours per day on Roblocks

(where you create and play your own online games with others, a bit like Minecraft).

And as you can imagine this had a massively negative impact on his life (although he didn’t see it that way).

This poor mom said:

* He flat refused to get off the game when she asked.

* He was skipping most meals.

* Wouldn’t shower or clean his teeth

* Rarely took in fresh air (no exercise whatsoever).

* He even assaulted his parents when they tried to cut down his computer time.

What a mess.

The whole family was walking around on egg shells, so as not to upset him. But at the same time were desperately trying to work out

how to break his gaming addiction. But everything they tried just failed.

They could have just pulled the plug.

No more internet.

End of.

But that chances of that working are slim.

Not saying it couldn’t work in some cases. But when this young lad had already been violent because they tried to reduce his computer time. Stands

to reason a ‘cold turkey no internet’ approach may just become too much for the family unit to cope with.

There’s another way too. More subtle. Builds up in stages. To a point where online gaming can be significantly reduced, maybe even stop for a while.

And I recently interviewed undiagnosed aspie and Online Addiction Therapist Nathan Driskell about this method.

Because it’s his!

Nathan has designed a proven system to help families take back control, when their child is addicted to the internet and gaming.

In 30 days.

And if your child has problems with online gaming or internet addiction – then I’m pretty confident my interview with Nathan can help you. And

it’s available to download and read (in a pdf transcript) or listen to (in an MP3 audio file) inside the members area of The Parenting Asperger’s Community.

To gain access to these potentially life changing materials please just register your interest at clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3XqPmWO.B9JlRMX&b=xTKvXL6p6YMgwLnTmwWoIg

(once you join, you’ll be directed to the special members page to download these resources).

To beating gaming addictions,

Dave Angel

There’s a cool artist called Nathan McConnell.

He writes comics about growing up with Asperger’s.

Today I read something by him that was really profound. And it was all about ‘secrets’. He said:

“Imagine that there were hundreds of thousands of secrets to not only succeeding in the neurotypical world but surviving in general.

And one day you suddenly stumble upon one of these as an adult, and it fills you with dread realizing you’ve come to that exact

same situation so many times before, never knowing what you were doing wrong.

To make it worse, you then find out that ‘everyone knew that’ and “that’s common knowledge.” and somehow nobody ever told

you, you never heard anyone else tell anyone (obviously) and yet somehow everyone already knew, except you.

Now put that on repeat and you’ll know just one minuscule aspect of what it’s like to grow up as an Autistic person in this world.”

I think that short post is worth printing out and pinning to your refrigerator door.

NEVER

ASSUME

ANYTHING

The more you explain the “hows” and “whys” of life to your child, the better.

Because as Nathan so brilliantly pointed out.

If you don’t tell your child about something . . . it will probably remain a secret to them.

They’ll never really know about the information.

They’ll never be able to use the information.

They’ll never be able to benefit from the information.

(And that information could be on anything in life from cleaning teeth, to shaking hands, lining up in a store, attending a job interview, speaking to a class mate, going shopping . . . literally ANYTHING)

They will always be playing catch up.

Mis judging or simply not understanding 100’s (maybe 1000’s) of situations each day.

And can you imagine being faced with SO many situations which you don’t know how to respond to?

How would this make you feel, do you think?

Calm . . . or anxious?

Confident . . . or depressed?

In Control . . . or over whelmed?

It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.

(As I’ve said before. It’s not really “Asperger’s” or “autism” on it’s own that brings most of the problems. It’s not being able to understand the world and people around them).

So as a parent – you are the social guide for your child’s life.

It’s a hue-mongous job no doubt about that. But I know you try your very best every day. And continue to do so. So kudos to you for taking this long, but hopefully at times, rewarding journey.

And if you the guide – actually need some guidance yourself– then come and join us in The Parenting Asperger’s Community. We’re an online community full of resources and support – which

is designed specifically for Parents of children, teens and adults with Asperger’s: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3aJpoSTB6vJlRMX&b=M80sWC_tRWdx4wsYvhnFdA

To understanding,

Dave Angel

I recently posted a picture on the Book of Face; it was of a young man tucking into a plate of chicken nuggets.

And I wrote next to it about one of the first times I met the mom of a child with ASD.

When I asked her what her son ate, she simply replied “beige”.

She could see I was a little confused so told me:

“Basically chicken nuggets . .. french fries . . . potato waffles . . . and not a whole lot else”.

Now I understood!

And of course this is a very common experience.

So I had loads of moms comment on this post.

Some had kids who would only eat orange foods.

Some just brown.

Some just crunchy (like cereal).

The general view was that it’s a BIG problem, to get children with ASD to eat a varied diet.

And as a parent you want to provide your child the nutrients they need to thrive.

(Plus I’m sure you don’t want the extra hassle of cooking different meals every day for different family members, on top of everything else you contend with).

So it’s clearly a problem.

And luckily, one mom stumbled on a great solution.

For years her son would only eat chicken strips, pizza, chips, and noodles.

No fruit. No vegetables.

Sound familiar?

But she’s found a way around this; by using a skill most aspies are already pretty good at. And she’s had great results so far. He’s trying many more foods now.

In fact her son was recently eating couscous with Ethiopian seasoning and dried apricots – just imagine!

Now this mom quite openly says her approach may not work for everyone. And I agree, because as we know every child is different. But what she did say makes a lot of sense – and

I think it could well work for some other children too (also teens, and maybe even adults). So I’ve shared her solution in our members Facebook group for reference.

If you’re not currently a member and would like to join us then please go to: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3m2qU1b42vJlRMX&b=aertlSFGAopY0aye5tjtUw.

(When you register you’ll get a link to join the Facebook group, which is one of the bonuses of membership to our online community).

To better eating,

Dave Angel

Watched Paddington 2 recently, and really loved it.

And it led me to thinking – could he be the first bear to be diagnosed with Asperger’s?

Yes – Taking away the facts that bears don’t receive diagnoses. And Asperger’s isn’t technically a diagnosis anymore. You know . . . artistic license!

Anyway.

The evidence?

Well how about these 4 marmalade stained clues?

1. He’s big on social justice

Paddington is a very polite bear. But if he gets a sniff of a cheat or a liar he’ll give a very hard stare indeed. And will do what he can to right any wrongs.

As you know – most people with ASD have a very strong sense of right ‘n’ wrong.

2. He has a very restricted Diet

Paddington is very limited in what he’ll eat. Pretty much marmalade sandwiches. And that’s about it!

Most on the spectrum have very limited eating. In fact I wrote a recent Facebook post on “beige diets” (you know nuggets, fries,

chips/crisps) which got a lot of parent’s nodding their heads.

3. He’s a very literal thinker

Whilst going down the escalator on the London Underground (train system) Paddington spots a sign saying “dogs must be carried.”

And follows the instruction right to the letter; he’s seen looking for a dog to carry (and then does so).

Not understanding the context of words and subtleties of language is a big aspie thing too.

4. He doesn’t like large crowds or noises.

Need we say more! That sensory over stimulation affects many on the spectrum.

Look I know it’s a tad trivial. And I know he’s just a cartoon bear from deepest, darkest Peru. But sometimes I figure you need

a little light relief. So I hope this short message provided that for you.

And for more serious (as well as light hearted) help and support for parents of children with ASD: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3dd1JPsNUvJlRMX&b=Uu38tvoYwQsOvzISY_V4mQ

To Paddington,

Dave Angel

I wrote earlier in the week about tantrums & meltdowns.

And briefly mentioned the 5 major causes of meltdowns. To which I received the obvious question:

“What are these 5 major causes of meltdowns?”

Well here they are:

1. School

An obvious one. Rules, regulations, tricky social interactions, all kinds of sensory overwhelm, are just some of the factors in play.

2. Change

Change means a whole lot of new information to absorb. And children with ASD really struggle to absorb and filter out what’s

it relevant, and what’s not. Quickly leads to overwhelm.

3. Emotional regulation

It’s about recognizing your own emotions (e.g. fear, anxiety, stress, worry), and taking the appropriate steps to bring your emotions back in

line (regulate them). This is something that people with ASD generally struggle with.

4. Social injustice

When something is wrong or unfair it can be a big deal at the time. And also later too. Many with ASD will endlessly play old

pieces of information or injustice in their head for weeks, months, even years later. So it’s always bubbling away under the surface.

5. Exhaustion

Coping with the world around them takes way more energy for a child with ASD. It’s little wonder they get exhausted. And

without so much energy they struggle to cope – leading the way to inevitable meltdowns.

So that’s the 5. Keep a eye out for them in the weeks ahead, as they may help you make sense of certain behaviors.

And if you’d like more help on this topic our eBook “How to cope with Meltdowns” offers practical solutions (with examples) to help

your child through these problems. You can get a fr-ee copy of this eBook (normally $47) when you join The Parenting

Asperger’s Community. It’s available to download in our members area. To get instant access; register today at: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3Vt4vx3VrvJlRMX&b=qK7c2JslAkVARmSTr3IlOw

To reducing meltdowns,

Dave Angel

So I heard about this mom.

She had a 13 yr old son with Asperger’s, who had some problems with anxiety and controlling his temper.

And it began getting worse.

Much worse.

Slamming doors . . .

Breaking objects . . .

Shouting obscenities . . .

Then he started pushing and hitting his mom. Making threats to his sister too.

Understandably this mom was worried.

Really worried.

He was getting older, bigger and more powerful. Plus his behavior was worsening too.

It was a real recipe for disaster.

So the mom was looking for some help and answers. Particularly WHY he was acting this way.

Because she felt if she could work this out – then maybe she could start to help him. Reduce the violence, and restore peace to the family home.

And I recently read an article, written by a young lady on the autism spectrum, which explains exactly the WHY behind such behavior.

This young lady talked about her own experiences. Why she’d behaved that way when she was in school (she openly admits kicking, punching

and screaming at her own parents). And when you read her simple explanation it all fits into place. It may not stop the violence immediately, but

it helps you understand it better. And with that understanding you have a really good chance of reducing this negative behavior.

The article in question was shared by Mo Bailey (our resident advocate) in our member’s Facebook support group. And you can gain access to it when you register for

membership to The Parenting Asperger’s Community at: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3meKFKUILvJlRMX&b=sW8hIigUrbET2jYMzZfWQw (Once you join – I’ll tag you into the link for the article, so you can read it straight away.)

To helpful insights,

Dave Angel

When it’s a tantrum!

Now obviously there’s overlap – but they are 2 very different things.

So let’s be clear, as it’s important.

Tantrum –

Child may scream. Hurl themselves to the floor. Throw something.

But… they still have some control over it.

Can probably calm themselves back down.

You can perhaps reason, re direct or ignore.

Either way it probably won’t last too long.

Melt down-

As it sounds. Major, major issue going on. All reasoning out of the window. Nervous system doing over time.

Child has no control. It’ll only stop when the child is exhausted.

No point applying logic or redirecting.

MUCH longer (and MUCH tougher) to cope with.

Which is why we’ve produced an entire eBook called “How to Cope with Meltdowns”. It gives you the 5 major causes of melt downs. And clear plans

on how to cope with all 5 of them. And so if you need help reducing (maybe even stopping) your child’s meltdowns, then you can get a free copy of our eBook

when you register your interest in The Parenting Asperger’s Community today at: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3Znl21xjAvJlRMX&b=tAWMlWg2i5FUFuP555dVFw

To understanding,

Dave Angel

“I see people with Asperger’s syndrome as a bright thread in the rich tapestry of life.”

Tony Attwood (Psychologist and Leading Authority on Asperger’s)

Love this quote.

So positive.

And people with Asperger’s absolutely do have unique skills and strengths to bring to the world.

You only have to look at Silicon Valley to realize the close link between Asperger’s and technology, science and engineering.

And that’s just one example (there’s art… math … multi media … music… photography … craft skills . . . the list is long).

But unfortunately not everyone sees this whole “bright thread in a rich tapestry” thing.

For example

* Schools who want your child to conform, and enjoy being treated exactly like all the other kids

(even though they’ve got very different needs).

* Family members who tell you to ‘discipline’ those difficult behaviors right out of your child

(even though it won’t work, because it’s not a discipline issue).

* School mates who view your child as ‘weird’ and unfriendly

(even though they’re just confused and overwhelmed, in class).

So whilst I applaud, and 100% support, Mr. Attwood’s sentiment. Reality is very different.

As parents you get stuck picking up the pieces which fall between this ideal . . .

. . . and the harsh reality.

The blood. The sweat. The tears. You’re there for it all. It’s exhausting and probably feels never ending at times.

But who’s there for you?

To see if you’re OK.

To check you’re not drowning in these stormy seas of parenting.

Hopefully someone.

A spouse. Friend. Family member. Support group. Because you need people to help you.

Can’t do it all solo.

Way too much to ask. And it’ll just start to bring you down.

And without you – where’s your child going to be then?

Probably not in a good place.

And it’s because this support is so important, that we set up our Parenting Asperger’s Community group. There’s now over 270 parents (and grandparents) who regularly

chat in our Facebook group. Offering ideas, company and the odd ‘ virtual hug’ when things get too much. So if you need some support, from others who really

understand what you’re going through, then you can join our community today at: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3cb9wt0zZvJlRMX&b=XQmIuYlu4VUA6Ve_BrsbiQ

To support,

Dave Angel

PS Don’t just take my word for it. Here’s what a few happy parents have said about the group:

Lisa Hayden: “Dave Angel’s Group is the best I’ve found. My personal favorite is the closed FB Group where I find comfort in sharing life events about my

daughter with Asperger’s that I would not otherwise share on any social media. It’s a great support group where you can both find and give support when

needed! And this doesn’t even mention the countless forms of information you can get from the newsletters and links to informative articles. I would highly

recommend this group to adult Aspies and especially parents of Aspie children as it will certainly bring you to the realization that you are not alone!”

Sheri Shingler: “I love this group! I really appreciate the emails and find the Newsletter both helpful and inspiring, but the interactive aspect of the closed

FB group takes the support to a new level. I also enjoy reading different opinions and strategies on named topics. Everyone brings a unique experience and outlook to this group.”

Mo Bailey: “Dave Angel brings the best support system I’ve found (and I’ve researched a lot!) with his Facebook Community, Parenting Asperger’s website,

Aspirations newsletter and out-right knowledge on this topic that eludes so many others. I highly recommend everything he is associated with and that he brings to

others. This is his pure passion and purpose brought to light while truly helping others maneuver this unexpected world – for both people on the spectrum and those who love them!”

Denise Hurley: “Love this group and Daves hard work and the comforting thoughts and help from the terrific members”

Frau Guger: “Best group ever!!! Everyone is so supportive, I have never read anything that was remotely judgemental or negative!!! It is a safe place to seek

advice, compassion or just to vent!!! It is so nice to know you are not the only parent going through things!!”

If you’d like to join us =>

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3cb9wt0zZvJlRMX&b=XQmIuYlu4VUA6Ve_BrsbiQ

As you may know I’m currently penning the next “big thing” in the world of literature!

(Reality check- I’m slowly hacking away at a novel about a 20 something aspie with serious tech skills, and his mom. They’re vigilantes

fighting social injustice. The first story is set in the UK where they go after a human trafficking ring. More to follow in the months ahead…)

Anyway as part of my research I googled about characters with autism in novels. Found a great web page with a quote for today:

‘Here is a key insight to creating realistic autistic characters:

Autistic people do not do the visibly autistic things we do because of “autism,” full stop.

We do things because, like non-autistic people, we are responding to our experiences of the world…’

Absolutely.

People often say “He’s so autistic” or “oh that’s his autism”.

Like it’s an actual physical thing. Like a chair or a spoon or an airplane.

It’s not.

Autism is a word used to describe a whole range of characteristics and traits.

And things like stimming, melt downs, lack of eye contact, not wanting to shake hands etc. are not autism, as such.

They are the reactions of a person (with autism) to a situation. Specifically a situation that makes them uncomfortable.

Subtle difference but significant.

When we know this we can better support people with ASD to experience more positive situations in life. So they generally feel

more relaxed and don’t have as many melt downs. Because there’s no trigger.

Then – abracadbra- the “autistic behavior” disappears. Just like magic!

Funny that…

And if you’d like more common sense parenting magic tips then go to: clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Kdjaj&m=3br60zvJVfJlRMX&b=Rcl2KuObTHH2gXYCm7u_bA today and register for our online community and support group.

To understanding autism,

Dave Angel

PS These ‘autistic behaviors’ shouldn’t even be a problem anyway. Stimming or lack of eye contact is hardly offensive in itself. But sadly many people view it negatively and make

unfair snap decisions about a person with ASD because of it. That’s just the world we live in folks.