How to help my teenaged son with Aspergers?
Hi there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers blog post.
If you didn’t see yesterday’s email; just a quick reminder that I am running a 72 Hour “Credit Crunch Sale” which offers all my parenting products at discount (topics are Aspergers, ADHD and Autism).
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www.parentingaspergers.com/creditcrunch.html
Anyway let’s go straight into this week’s question:
Question
I have a partner and many family members with Asperger’s, but the worst affected is 19. He has very limited social skills, his eating pattern is poor, and so is his sleeping pattern. But he is addicted to a game on his computer. How do we as parents encourage him to spend less time on the computer, eat better, and sleep more?
Answer
Playing electronic games provides repetition, consistency, and security in his life. Also, electronic games are predictable. He can count on the same actions and results every time he plays the games. People with Asperger’s Syndrome want to feel safe and secure in their activities. The electronic games allow him to follow predetermined rules that result in predictable outcomes.
It sounds like your son is concentrating on electronic games at the expense of his health. He spends time in front of a video screen that could be better spent learning new eating habits and practicing better sleeping patterns.
Check into Asperger’s support groups for your son; there might be one in your local area. Support groups give advice on daily living skills and healthy lifestyles. Encourage your son to join one of these groups; he will meet people who are his age and may be experiencing similar difficulties with Asperger’s Syndrome. In addition to information, a support group can give your son the opportunity to talk about his feelings about Asperger’s and the help necessary for him to cope with adult responsibilities.
Another resource for your son is an Asperger’s specialist who can inform and teach your son social skills. A specialist, such as a psychiatrist, might prescribe Melatonin, which will help your son sleep better at night.
Your son is in his late teens, and he is fast approaching adulthood. You can use reasoning and negotiation instead of rules and orders. However, if the excessive computer use continues, you might need to move it into a room that restricts his access to it. Also, the computer can be used as a reward if your son tries new foods and establishes a regular pattern of sleep. Although your son is getting older, there are rules that are still effective in changing his behaviour; you should establish those rules in your household.
In terms of nutrition, many autistic children suffer from food allergies, overgrowth of intestinal yeast, and sensitivity to sugar and dairy products. Consult a doctor to see if your son needs to adjust his diet. Changing your son’s diet to wheat-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free products requires patience because people with Asperger’s can be very strong-willed, and implementing change can be difficult for both of you. See if other family members will adopt a diet similar to your son’s; this will make him feel integrated into the family. Also, read diet books, look into websites, and read advice from nutritionists.
Your son’s sleep patterns can be changed with consistent hours. He needs to establish a time that he will go to bed each evening and get up each morning. If he complains that he cannot get to sleep or wake up at a given time, tell him that there are parts of our bodies called circadian rhythms, and they help our bodies rest. If your son can get to bed at a specific time several nights in a row, the circadian rhythms in his body will reset and help him go to sleep and wake up at a given time each evening and morning. Remove all distractions from his bedroom to help him concentrate on rest and sleep.
Until next time …
Dave Angel
PS - Don’t forget the discounted offer at www.parentingaspergers.com/creditcrunch.html
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My son is now 25, but ever since Junior High, has had problems with getting to sleep and getting up on time. He too was big on computer games, fixing computers, building computers, etc. He would sometimes stay up for days, consuming several energy drinks in the process. he is not stupid, but very stuborn, and starts arguments when we tell him how to change his sleep pattern.
After High School, he got a job on 3rd shift in assembly. that was good for about 3 1/2 years, but his lack of social interaction, poor sleep patterns, etc., drove him into depression and he began to self medicate, so to speak and he quit is job. He threatened suicide.
I took him to several counselors, and no one would care to say if he indeed had Aspergers, but I am convinced that he does - after all the reading on it.
He is now off all meds and is doing better, but is presently unemployed again. One of his biggest problems is he doesn’t like to get to work early, becauce he doesn’t want to have to socialize with anyone - so he is consistantly late or just coming in at the bell.
Comment by Debra Swenson — November 18, 2008 @ 10:07 am
Your son does sound typical of someone with Asperger’s. I am afraid that sometimes we just have to administer some tough love. Young people with ASD have a lot to contend with in life, but given a matter- of -fact approach, it is sometimes possible to change behaviour for the better. Use cartoon strip conversations (Carol Gray) to talk about the need for good nutrition, good sleeping patterns and work related issues. I assume you are giving him a home and finances so make him earn this by complying to some of your demands - sensible eating - make a schedule together and sample menus. Implement a bonus system for when he does comply - you could have a ‘working towards target ‘ say going to bed at a certain time - even if he can’t get to sleep. If he can try to achieve this, reward him with money or something he really wants. Only try to change one thing at a time and you will be surprised how quickly you can turn a situation around. The key is to not get too emotional or talk too much about the issues. Stick to your guns and give a healthy dose of praise for each little step he makes.
Good luck!
Kay Al-Ghani
Comment by Kay — November 18, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Most people, kids included, are doing the best they can. Consumption of fizzy energy drinks and endless computer play is the nearest experience they can achieve to something else they need. Find out what is missing from their lives, and then get more of that happening in their lives, and the need for excessive computer or drinks fades away. It needn’t be a war zone. There is so much ‘tough’ experience for these kids/teens, that needs to be coupled with compassion and understanding. If that involves a radical shake up of our (adult) beliefs, then that’s what we need to do. Look at the effectiveness of the Son-Rise program, which asks parents to do just that - join their child’s world so as to be better able to understand it. We just need to listen more and judge less for this world to be a happier place for everyone, Aspergers or not.
Comment by Marian — November 18, 2008 @ 11:27 am
Instead of requesting sleep medication from his physician, try Melatonin. It’s a natural chemical that is produced in our bodies. Some people don’t produce enough and Melatonin is a great 1st step I would suggest 300mcg to start off. My son is almost 13, 5′8″ tall and weighs about 170 and is supposed to be taking 500mcg. However, since we are sometimes unable to find it, the 300mcg does work. Keep in mind that my son is also on Clonodine which helps with sleep. Please try the Melatonin first. My son also chose to drink diet cokes. Doesn’t matter what flavor or brand be the best are Diet Grapico and Diet Orange Sunkist. The aftertaste is not as bad as some and neither have caffeine. A good sport for Aspies is soccer….they have to stay focused and this helps also with hand/eye coordination. I know your son is older than mine however, your local YMCA or church group might have an age group so he can get started. The best thing to do is not give up! Try some of the things I and others have listed and please, keep us posted.
Comment by Dee — November 18, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
It seems like you have a lot going on right now and I think that you will feel better about working on all this if you pick one and work on that one first with baby steps. As that behaviour becomes under control than you can start to work on another. I would suggest for social skills improvement, go with him and join into a gamer’s club, go to a convention of gamers,or make it a habit to go to a video game store the same time each week. Make small baby steps of encouraging him to be drawn into conversations at these places. You start the conversation and then encourage him to tell the person something about the game or equiptment that you are discussing. It’s work but it helps.
Comment by Cathy — November 18, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Hi Marian,
Thank you for your comments. I hope I did not come across as lacking in compassion - I too have a 23 year old son with Autism. Life has had to be a compromise. If I had allowed him to do just what he wanted to I doubt he would be where he is today - a successful author, illustrator and cartoon animator. We found a way to incorporate his passions into life but not at the expense of everything else. I had to insist on him following good life skill rules and once you have established them e.g. the healthy eating - they don’t deviate and he is handsome and healthy!
I firmly believe that people with ASD need the 4 Rs Routine /Ritual/ Repetition and Resources - if you can establish good routines early on in life then they will maintain them and learn to enjoy them. At first it is a battle - but by using what they most want as an incentive it is possible to compromise - and hopefully end up with a win-win situation. We all want to see our loved ones happy and healthy - and sometimes that means we do have to make judgements and just hope that our instincts are right. I believe I have joined my son’s world - I know him so well and I love him for who he is - he is an exemplary human being -but I had to be strong on issues that will affect his whole life -especially when I am no longer around to give him the unconditional love and support he needs.
All the best,
Kay
Comment by Kay — November 18, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
Hi everyone
My eldest AS boy is 18 and it has taken 2 years to get the sleeping/eating thing improving and him back on a study/training pathway. Helpful things have been:
1) Peter has been put in charge of shopping-he writes the list with consultation and is driven to the shops. He has to think about upcoming meals and what he would like to eat.
2)Lots of professional input to stress sleep, exercise and nutrition
3) Meds as needed for short term use-melatonin, anti-depressants, low dose anti-psychotics in extreme times
4) Careful parental dialogue-always positive and directive-think of it as a learning rather than a behavior program
5) Assert parental power as a last resort-I remove the cords from the computer and sleep with them under my pillow
Hope this helps, its just super tough love that gets our boys through and its worth it!!!
Comment by Jane — November 18, 2008 @ 4:34 pm
Our son is 13. He loves to act and so…I suggested he try out for the local theater production of Jesus Christ Super Star. He really didn’t want to …he wanted to try out for another play later on in the year. Well, he didn’t tell me that at first, he waited until he was selected to be in Jesus Christ Superstar to tell me. It was too late, he was already in the play. Rehearsals went from September through October and the show had a 3 week run. By the end of the run, he was toast. his teachers said he was acting out at school. He has sensory issues, and all the sounds were so loud to him, clicking and scuffling in the halls etc. I met with his teachers and Sam has come up with a system of dealing with his frustrations. But I learned a valuable lesson. He and I made an agreement that he will only be in plays that HE wants to be in, and he needs to LET ME KNOW! It is SO IMPORTANT Asperger’s kids be able to DO what they excell at, but not to the point where they can’t do school too. My reason for writing is to let parents know, that we also need to learn to listen to our kids, and give them room to say NO when they don’t want to do something. He was so afraid of disappointing me, that he put himself through 3 months hardship. We have pinky promised with each other that he will TELL ME when he DOESN”T want to do a play.
He also has issues with fixation on foods…if he misses a meal, he feels like he has to eat more next time, or that he gets to make up somehow for the meal he missed. He is overweight now, and I don’t want him to have THAT problem too (because I did) so we are trying to work on good nutrition and exercise…any ideas about that? Thanks, Sue
Comment by Sue Orr — November 18, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
Interesting that you mentioned sensory issues and eating. My son is 8 and co-diagnosed PDD-NOS and ADHD. His PDD was only a criterion short of Asperger’s - his social skills weren’t quite impaired enough (because many people worked with him early enough). He has finally settled some now that he’s in third grade, and with a good IEP in place, the behavior has evened out. School and homework used to be real battlegrounds but he has come to understand that life is so much easier for everyone when he just DOES it and gets it over with. So we have a deal. He gets to play his video games after he completes his homework and I sign off. He also loves the predictability of the games and likes the ones that involve strategy and figuring out what you have to do. So our main issue left is eating - he has always had a pretty limited diet in part because when he smells food, even food other people are eating, he doesn’t have any appetite left. So the foods he DOES eat don’t have much smell or smell ok to him as long as he’s not in the same room with other food smells. He can’t stand to eat lunch at school either because the smell of the other kids’ food is too bad. Compared to what we were dealing with before, this is pretty light stuff. He gets gummy bear vitamins and the pediatrician he sees for his PDD/ADHD management says his growth is still OK, so if he’s not worried, I’m not either.
Comment by satscout — November 19, 2008 @ 1:24 am
Hi I am in England & have a 4 year old son with Aspergers. I cannot find anyone here to help me with him. He is extremley bright, he is doing Maths & English 2-3 years above his age group & acts very much like an adult. I struggle to have any discipline with him at home as he has an answer for evrything. He turns situations round to be all my fault! His paediatrician says just put him under the stairs for time out. This would worsen the situation 100% He is now hitting me & is so aggressive in his words to me. He doesn’t sleep, so nor do I. Eating is a problem. I have been told he has a self ristricting diet, it is sensory, too hard, too soft etc. No-body here seems to be able to help me as my son has no learning difficulties & is a perfect angel at school. I need help at home. Does anyone have any suggestions???? Please helP!
Comment by Nikki — November 19, 2008 @ 7:12 am
It was very interesting for me to read the part that talked about the sensitivity to dairy products. My son started his life with a milk product sensitivity, had to use soy formula. At age 2 he asked for milk, surprised us all. He could have it. Then he moved onto being able to have ice cream. He still doesn’t seem to tolerate cheeses and cream sauces. I’ve always wondered why some he can tolerate and some he can’t. Makes food preparation interesting and a wee bit of a challenge sometimes. But I have lucked out, he is a vegetable and fruit lover to the max. He is now almost 16 and still loves his veggies almost more than candy.
Comment by J i l l Y o h n — November 20, 2008 @ 6:09 pm
My going on 13 grandson loves his video game (Runescape). We have to limit his time and he has to have had his afternoon snack and finish his homework. Normally when poppa comes home at tea time he has to be off the game and set the table for tea. Sometimes he has basketball on Monday and practice on Thursday and going away to his mothers two weekends out of three, whe doesn’t let him play the game at her house on their work computer. He doesn’t have as much time as he would like. He has trouble sleeping but we put it down to thinking about his court case as he wants to stay living with his grandparents. It is very hard to get him in to shower but we have made a rule that any day with exercise he has to shower and that is 4 out of 5 days normally. He is very fussy with food intake and is a big boy, weighs between 65 to 70 kg and is 154 cm tall.He will not eat protein except in milk and icecream and even then hes not too keen on cerain icecreams. He doesn’t eat butter or marg. His lunch at school is limited as he has two pieces of white bread without marg or butter on it and a small pcket of chips to put inbetween the bread. He likes prunes and apricots and most fruits, weatbix and will tolerate Edam cheese nd vegemite toasted sandwiches. He will have a home cooked cookie or slice of cake. He will only eat the egg yolk ( protein is in the albinum). We are lucky he likes his indoor basketball and he plays table tennis but is getting bored with table tennis after three years but goes mainly to converse with some retired teachers there. He has stopped softball after three years mainly because the boys realise hes a bit different and he gets picked on.He is good at getting around on the computer so I can see that his expertise will be with computers when he leaves school although the psychologist said he would be better working alone in a computing job.
Comment by Lillian Carde — November 20, 2008 @ 8:34 pm