Hi there it’s Tuesday again and time for your weekly Aspergers article. There seems to be a little thing called an election featuring quite heavily “over the pond” at the moment! I’ve just watched Barack Obama cast his vote in some school in Chicago live on Sky News here in the UK (oh the wonders of modern technology!) And I just wondered (slightly tongue in cheek) if the candidates are ever tempted to vote for their opponent – just for a joke?

But seriously I would be curious to know who our US (and non-US) readers are rooting for – and why. In particular whether either candidate has any personal or political links with Aspergers or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders. I’ve seen very little debate on any “special needs” issues in what I’ve read in UK papers; but I suspect that some of you in the USA will have your opinions as to which candidate may be more supportive of parents with children who have special needs. So add your comments and thoughts this week – and let’s make this week’s Parenting Aspergers blog a political animal!

That said let’s move swiftly on to this week’s article:

Question

My son is 10 and having difficulty distinguishing bullying from normal, but unwanted, social advances.  I cannot help him with this (there isn’t really a problem, he just cannot tell the difference between being picked on and being asked to join in when he doesn’t want to).  I have always been able to assist in the past and now he is looking to me to do something but…what?  Any and all help would be appreciated.

Answer

Your 10-year-old son might experience anger and resentment if he thinks that he is being bullied.  Also, having Asperger’s Syndrome can result in him disliking or distaining people who he feels do not share his beliefs and interests.  He may be introverted or just not feel like interacting with people at certain times.  He may not confront these situations or may handle them inappropriately because he perceives the language used by others to be provocative or insulting.  An added component to all of this is that, at the age of 10, your son might not be able to explain how he feels about what he perceives to be the motives of others.

In general, here is how we define bullying:  “Persistent and unwanted aggressive behaviour that is directed toward a chosen individual.  This behaviour makes the individual feel uncomfortable, stressed, or hurt.  When bullying behaviour is repeated, it is called harassment.”  So, the difference between bullying and unwanted social interactions is, for the most part, whether the other person is “aggressive” or not (and that could mean physical or verbal aggression).  Your son probably cannot tell the difference between the two as he has difficulty understanding the emotions and intentions of others.

So, you son needs to learn an acceptable way to handle bullying, as well as any other interaction that makes him feel uncomfortable and/or is unwanted, regardless of the intentions of the other person involved.  He needs to find an effective way to communicate without provoking additional unwanted behaviours.

One effective method to help your son is to role play, or ask a trusted friend to role play, with him.  Your son can use “I statements.”  These are statements that tell another individual how he feels.  The statements are not designed to escalate aggressive or unwanted behaviour from the other individual.

Here are some possible “I statements” for your son to use:

“I’m not comfortable right now, and I need to be left alone.  I’m leaving now.”

“I think we can talk about this.  Please sit down and talk with me.”

“I’m not sure what you want from me.  Will you talk with me?”

“Oh, I’m due home now.  Gotta go!”

“It’s been nice talking to you, but I’m busy this afternoon.  See ya later.”

When you are doing role play, give him a couple of these sentences, and practice various situations that might occur.  Then ask him if he can think of some situations he’s been in and use the responses for those situations.

The “I statement” intervention assumes that your son is not being hit, pushed, or otherwise attacked physically.  Please consider meeting with your son’s teacher and the school principal to see what can be done to provide closer supervision for your son while he is on school grounds if this type of situation is occurring.  Outside of school, perhaps some of your son’s friends can be with him to help him in various situations.  The last two “I statements” are probably the best ones to use for gracefully leaving a situation in which he doesn’t want to participate.

Thanks for reading and I hope you get the president that you want if you’re in the States.

Until next week …

Dave Angel

PS – To keep you updated I have now written even more Aspergers articles for the brand new site on topics such as keeping your child safe (e.g. stranger danger, road crossing etc.), coping with boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, puberty, and various sex/sexuality questions.

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