Hello there and I hope that you and your family have enjoyed a happy holiday season. One thing that I think would be nice is if you had any particularly fun or exciting moments with your family that you would like to share on the blog. Or if there was anything that you learnt in helping your child with Aspergers cope with the holidays then it would be great if you wanted to share it. Just add a comment to the end of this post. As with last time the text version of this article may be a few days later this week as Thursday (when I normally send it out) falls on New Year’s Day. Anyway here’s to a great New Year and the article follows …

Question

My AS daughter is 10 and my youngest daughter is almost 4.  My 10-year-old verbally attacks my 3-year-old and my 3-year-old just stands there looking dazed and confused.  How can I get my 10-year-old to stop doing this and how can I protect my 3-year-old from it?  It is really starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband.  (The 10-year-old is his stepdaughter and 3-year-old is ours together.)  Not to mention the toll it is taking on my 3-year-old.  She loves her sister so much and wants nothing more than to spend time with her.  Her feelings get so hurt when her sister yells, screams, calls names, and tells her she hates her.  I have tried sending 10-year-old to her room, talking to her, taking things away, watching the situation and trying to stop it before it happens, but it happens so quickly, it’s hard to see it coming.  What can I do?

Answer

First of all, find a time when you and your husband can sit down and have a talk with your 10-year-old, without the 3 year old being present.  Calmly, each of you should tell her how sad and upset you feel when she yells and screams at her little sister.  The goal is to make her feel guilty about this behaviour and to understand that it is unacceptable.  Point out to her how awful it would be if you and your husband acted that way – toward her.  Ask her how she would feel if you yelled, screamed, and called her names.  Be specific describing such a situation to help her understand how bad she would feel.  Then make the point that her little sister feels the same way.
Tell her that she cannot continue yelling, screaming, and calling names, and that, if she does, she will be punished.  The punishment should be “time out” in a room alone for 15 minutes, with no fun activities available to her, following by apologizing to her sister.  Do this every time she acts inappropriately.  Each time, after her time out, sit her down and explain again why she must not act this way and that it is unacceptable.  Find out why she had “a meltdown.”  Help her find an alternate way that she could have handled the situation.  Have her practice it.  You may have to do this many, many times.

To stop verbal abuse you may need to use other forms of behaviour modification as well.  You must determine the need that your daughter’s behaviour fulfils and teach her a replacement behaviour.  For example, if she yells when her little sister uses her things, teach her to come to you with a single code word, and when she does, help her handle the situation.  This takes time.  If the child is severely out of control, then removing the child from the situation is required.  As you know, this may be easier said than done.  Behaviour modification should be started early.  You may need the help of a counsellor or psychiatrist to help you deal with this now before it escalates into physical abuse.  Hopefully your 10-year-old will learn to communicate the cause of her anger and get her needs met by doing so.  Unfortunately, children who get what they want because of misbehaviour are likely to continue and escalate such behaviour.

Your daughter may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or another disorder in tandem with Asperger’s.  Some theorists claim that ODD is a result of incomplete development; the ODD child has never completed the developmental tasks of normal children.  The child is stuck at the 2-year-old level of development and never grows out of it.  In this case, medical intervention may be necessary.

Another theory about ODD is that it is a result of negative interactions, possibly interactions that occur away from home.  This theory states that having successfully used anger and abuse as a way to get needs met, the Asperger’s child continues to use it.

ODD does not usually occur alone.  About 35% of ODD children have an affective disorder and 20% may have a mood disorder, such as Bipolar Disorder.  Other ODD children have personality or learning disorders.  It is imperative that your daughter is evaluated for other disorders, as this will be the key to treating her successfully.

Thanks for reading

Dave Angel

PS – I am now off work from my social work day job for a few days so will be working hard on the new Aspergers website. My plan is to complete it by the end of January but that may be a little optimistic so it may end up being ready in February. I really want this new site to offer so much more such as an easy-to-use parents forum, wider range of articles and information, educational online videos, easier methods of me communicating directly with parents and other things too. So please forgive any delays as I am becoming a bit of a perfectionist about getting it all done. But please keep your eyes open as I will keep updating you.

PPS – I have now reviewed the first 4 CD’s from the Total Transformation parenting program (http://tinyurl.com/643fs3) and will get these reviews on to the blog very soon.

Well here’s the last Aspergers blog post of 2008! I’m glad so many people enjoyed the Christmas article that I was able to share last week, and I hope it helps. I want to wish all of you and your families the very best for Christmas and New Year. And look out for another email from me today as I THINK I have worked out how to send a little seasonal greeting card to all of you via email – but apologies in advance if those technical gremlins mess it up! As this Thursday is Christmas day the text version of today’s article will be a few days later than normal this week (please forgive me as I am going nowhere near my pc on Thursday!) Have a great holidays and here’s this week’s article:

Question

My daughter is 10 years old, high functioning and now in middle school.  Her teachers are constantly sending me notes saying she isn’t working up to her ability and they can’t get her to stay on task or ask for help.  When she’s home (1 on 1), I can get her to do well with homework. I obviously can’t go to school with her everyday….what are some ways the teachers can get her to stay on task without making her stand out to the rest of the class?  She is also legally blind and doesn’t want to appear different in any other way.

Answer

If your daughter’s teachers expect her to respond to the predominantly visual learning methods that are used in most schools, obviously, they will not work for her because she’s legally blind!  If this situation exists, no wonder your daughter can’t stay on task or ask for help.  In addition, her Asperger’s affects her attention span and motivation.  It’s unclear from your question whether your daughter is in a special education situation.  Whether she is or not, I suggest the following.
First of all, your daughter should be evaluated by an educational child psychologist – either privately or through the school.  A full diagnosis and specialized treatment is very important, including a complete assessment of her strengths and weaknesses, including her vision problem.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome often are assumed to be able to function successfully in mainstream education, but cannot through no fault of their own.  Asperger’s Syndrome children are very smart, but their problems with social interaction and repetitive behaviours make mainstream education difficult.  In addition, your daughter has a serious vision problem, an added cause of difficulties.  Once evaluated, she can be appropriately placed in a mainstream educational program with instructional aide support or in special education (probably the best option).

Based on your description, it sounds as though the school’s program (whether it’s mainstream or special education) is not meeting her needs and the teachers do not have the knowledge they need to help her.  Special training and classes for them is vital, as they must address issues with Asperger’s as well as her vision problem.
The school has a responsibility to re-evaluate your daughter if she is not progressing well.  In many countries, this is a legal, federally mandated responsibility.  You should formally request the school to address your daughter’s difficulties and, with your input and that of her doctors, teachers, and psychologist, prepare a specific, educational plan to address all of her disabilities.  You may need an advocacy group’s help if the school is reluctant to do this.

Often a child with Asperger’s and other diagnoses is more successful when placed in a special education classroom (or even a special school) with trained teachers and aides, who provide a consistent, individualized educational program in a smaller group of students.  Counselling and occupational therapy can be easily scheduled, monitored, and supported by special education teachers.  The child may have the same teachers and aides for several years, increasing their understanding of her needs and maximizing her progress.

While your daughter may not want this type of placement at first, because she will appear to be “different,” once she experiences the improvement in her ability to participate in the curriculum, she will understand why a special placement may be the best option for her.  Counselling may help her come to terms with the fact that she is different in some ways from other students, but that she is also very gifted, as well.  I highly recommend it.

Thanks
Dave Angel

PS Two of the latest questions that I have answered on the new Aspergers website are … “How can I get my child to take personal responsibility for her actions” and “How do I help my child retain information for school homework and exams?”

PARENTING AUTISM & ASPERGER’S NEWSLETTER
VOLUME 26
December 2008

Hi this is Dave Angel.  Welcome to the twenty-sixth edition
of “The Parenting Autism & Asperger’s Newsletter”

Inside this edition you will find:

1. Hot Topic of Discussion – Docs Say Pooch Helps 11 Year Old – Posh Building Tried
To Keep Them Apart

2. In the News – Autistic Mum’s Baby Taken into Care

3. Prominent People Linked with ASD – Lewis Carroll, Author

4. Parenting Tip -  Helping the police

Thanks

Dave

————————————————————

1. Hot Topic of Discussion – Docs Say Pooch Helps 11-year old – Posh Building Tried to Keep Them Apart
By Kerry Burke and Thomas Zambito
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Thursday, November 13, 2008

The U.S. federal government sued the owners of a posh New York apartment building for trying to come between a boy and his dog.  Federal prosecutors accused the owners of discriminating against Aaron Schein by preventing him from bringing home a dog that doctors say will help the 11-year-old cope with Asperger’s Syndrome.

The lawsuit says the Townsend House Corporation violated the Fair Housing Act by imposing unreasonable demands on Aaron’s parents before they’d let them bring a dog into the building where one-bedroom apartments cost $1.5 million.  The demands included: the dog could weigh no more than ten pounds, couldn’t be left alone for more than two hours, and must be brought in and out in a carrying case, on the service elevator.  Also, if the dog barked, it could be forced to wear a muzzle.  And, the family would have to buy one million dollars in liability insurance.

All of this was demanded, in spite of the fact that the boy’s doctor and a doctor hired by the building owner both agreed the dog was medically necessary!
Aaron’s parents have appealed.  The family is asking a judge to allow them to bring the dog (a Labradoodle) home and award them monetary damages because Aaron was discriminated against under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
To read the full article, go to: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2008/11/12/2008-11-12_docs_say_pooch_helps_11year_old__posh_bu.html

People mentioned above as having Asperger’s Syndrome may or may not have actually have been diagnosed with it.

————————————————————-
2.  In the News – Wales Online

Autistic Mum’s Baby Taken into Care
July 7, 2007 by Martin Shipton, Western Mail

The grandfather of a baby taken into care immediately after he was born accused social services of discriminating against his daughter because she has a form of autism.  The mother of the baby, 21 years old, was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome a few years ago.  The Monmouthshire County Council placed the unborn baby on an ‘at risk’ register before it was born.  They claimed that because the mother has Asperger’s Syndrome, she is at risk of getting post-natal depression and would neglect the baby.

The baby’s grandparents offered to allow the mother and baby to stay with them, but were rejected.  The baby was placed with a foster caregiver in a remote part of South Wales, which takes several hours to get to by public transport.

The baby’s mother is claiming that the Disability Discrimination Act, the Mental Health Act, the Children’s Act, and the Human Rights Act have all been violated.  Social Services claim that it has the welfare and best interest of the child as its major responsibility.

To read the full article, go to:
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/tm_headline=autistic-mum–8217-s-baby-taken-into-care&method=full&objectid=19418874&siteid=50082-name_page.html
————————————————————-

3. Prominent People Linked with ASD – Lewis Carroll, Author

Lewis Carroll was born in 1832 and died in 1898.  His real name was Reverend Charles L. Dodgson.  He wrote the classic children’s book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.  Carroll may have had Asperger’s Syndrome, but that is speculation.   His nonsense poem “Jabberwocky” has been called “the king of neologistic poems.”  He was also a mathematician, logician, photographer, academic, and Anglican clergyman.  As a child he was gifted intellectually, a stutterer, and his parents were first cousins.  He never married, suffered from migraine headaches, and may have had epilepsy.

Some researchers believe that the most imaginative minds in history prove that there is a link between “mental illness/disability” and greatness, possibly caused by the same genes.  It is possible that Carroll began writing and painting as a form of “self-help.”  However, he did not lack in imagination and creativity.

To see the full text of the article go to: http://www.rense.com/general66/madness.htm

People mentioned above may have had Asperger’s Syndrome, but were never formally diagnosed.
————————————————————-

4. Parenting Tip – Helping the police

Here’s a great little tip from a parent who is anonymous …

Hi, today i went to the Police station to add us (my asd son and me(family/carer)) to their computer system. I highly recommend everyone to do this. It only takes 30min and for a life of peace!

Especially useful for those times when melt-downs and aggression happens in home or public and police get involved…or if you have a “runner” an asd kid who wanders off or runs away a lot.

It makes it so the police have a you and your asd kid in their files to look up and be prepared as to what to expect when they encounter your asd kid and importantly what they should NOT do ! Medications and allergies and close friend for emergency contact.
it’s simple and if you’re hurt or your child is lost they know what to do to best help.
Please I urge all to do this.

Thanks to whoever supplied this great tip. And just as a side note it is probably useful to also provide this information to your local social services department as they may well be involved too if a young person with ASD ends up missing or in trouble with the police. Please keep sending in tips for me to share with others by adding your tip to the blog at:

http://parentingaspergers.com/blog/parenting-tips-wanted/

I hope this month’s newsletter was interesting and that you enjoyed it.

The next edition of the newsletter is due in January, 2009.

And as ever … please send in any inspirational stories that you know of, any questions that you would like our team of experts to answer, any topics that you wish to be discussed, and news stories that you want to share VIA THE BLOG.

We will publish as many as we can.

There is a final article for 2008 on the blog this week as usual. Then the next will be in 2009! So have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Until next month………

Best Wishes

Dave Angel

Hi there-

I got an email recently for a kind reader (Susan) which outlines a great letter put together by The Autism and Support Network Advocacy Project in 1999 (ASAP News Volume 3.5). It helps to explain for family and friends what some of the challenges for a child with ASD are at Christmas. So here it is …

Dear Family and Friends:  A Holiday Letter

“Dear Family and Friends:” was written for the purpose of it being sent to relatives and hosts of holiday gatherings who might need a crash course in what to expect from their guest with autism.

Dear Family and Friends,

I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays this year! Sometimes these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information that might help our visit to be more successful. As you probably know, I am challenged by a hidden disability called Autism, or what some people refer to as a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopmental disorder which makes it hard for me to understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can’t see, but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings.

Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. People with autism have different abilities: Some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry. Others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or may have difficulty making friends. We are all different and need various degrees of support.

Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want to run away. I get easily frustrated, too. Being with lots of other people is like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time. This is why I need to have things the same as much as possible. Once I learn how things happen, I can get by OK. But if something, anything, changes, then I have to relearn the situation all over again! It is very hard.

When you try to talk to me, I often can’t understand what you say because there is a lot of distraction around. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and understand one thing at a time. You might think I am ignoring you–I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and not knowing what is most important to respond to.

Holidays are exceptionally hard because there are so many different people, places, and things going on that are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people, but for me, it’s very hard work and can be extremely stressful. I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It would be great if you had a private place set up to where I could retreat.

If I cannot sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaved or that my parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even five minutes is often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells, sounds, and people–I just have to get up and move about. Please don’t hold up your meal for me–go on without me, and my parents will handle the situation the best way they know how.

Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory processing disorder, it’s no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses involved with eating. Sight, smell, taste, touch, AND all the complicated mechanics that are involved. Chewing and swallowing is something that a lot of people with autism have trouble with. I am not being picky–I literally cannot eat certain foods, as my sensory system and/or oral motor coordination are impaired.

Don’t be disappointed if Mom hasn’t dressed me in starch and bows. It’s because she knows how much stiff and frilly clothes can drive me buggy! I have to feel comfortable in my clothes or I will just be miserable. When I go to someone else’s house, I may appear bossy and controlling. In a sense, I am being controlling, because that is how I try to fit into the world around me (which is so hard to figure out!) Things have to be done in a way I am familiar with or else I might get confused and frustrated. It doesn’t mean you have to change the way you are doing things–just please be patient with me, and understanding of how I have to cope.

Mom and Dad have no control over how my autism makes me feel inside. People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves feel more comfortable. The grown ups call it “self regulation,” or “stimming’. I might rock, hum, flick my fingers, or any number of different things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. Again, I am doing what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world. Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking, singing, or doing an activity I enjoy. The grown-ups call this “perseverating” which is kinda like self-regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy myself that makes me feel comfortable. Perseverative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm down.

Please be respectful to my Mom and Dad if they let me “stim” for a while, as they know me best and what helps to calm me. Remember that my Mom and Dad have to watch me much more closely than the average child. This is for my own safety, and preservation of your possessions. It hurts my parents’ feelings to be criticized for being over protective, or condemned for not watching me close enough. They are human and have been given an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your support.
Holidays are filled with sights, sounds, and smells. The average household is turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for you, but it’s very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act out in a way that you consider socially inappropriate, please remember that I don’t possess the neurological system that is required to follow some social rules. I am a unique person–an interesting person. I will find my place at this Celebration that is comfortable for us all, as long as you’ll try to view the world through my eyes!

(This article appeared in the holiday 1999 issue of ASAP News! (Volume 3.5) The Autism Support and Advocacy Project, and Potential Unlimited Publishing)

Hope this may be useful,
Dave Angel
PS – I’m hoping to get the December newsletter out before Christmas and also write up reviews of the Total Transformation program (I’ve listened to the first 3 CD’s so far and there’s some excellent stuff on there. You can read more about the program at http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Hi there it’s Dave Angel with this week’s Aspergers article:

Question

Is it common for a child with Asperger’s to have a split personality?  My son is a really good kid at school, but then a complete monster at home. Is this normal?
Answer
Asperger’s Syndrome is known to manifest itself differently with different children.  Also, children with Asperger’s Syndrome may react differently to various situations depending on their individual personalities.  Your child may feel more comfortable with the familiar surroundings at home, and feel freer to act out more at home than in public, where he is surrounded by strangers and in a less familiar environment. The stress of school may be relieved by a “meltdown” or other difficult behaviour at home.  This is a common occurrence.

Dr. Tony Attwood, a clinical psychologist, is a world renowned expert on Asperger’s Syndrome.  Here is what he says about split personality and Asperger’s.  “Quite a few children with Asperger’s Syndrome are Dr. Jeckylls and Mr. Hydes.  They are saints at school, but they soak up the anguish, then squeeze it out on their brothers and sisters when they get home.  We do not know why this happens…”  This quote may be found at:  http://www.awares.org/pkgs_files/librarydoc_134.doc

Asperger’s is treated in two ways, and both of them help manage the anxiety that accompanies this illness.  The first is cognitive psychology, and the second is prescription medication.  The first thing you need to do in order to help your son is to find a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in Asperger’s Syndrome.  This specialist will be able to help your son.  He or she will help you and your son discover the reasons behind his behavioral changes.

In addition, a specialist will help you do two things:
1.    Modify the situation or the environment in which he lives to reduce difficult behaviour;
2.    Create interventions for handling your son’s anxiety.
Please don’t be intimidated.  Changes don’t have to be complex or unmanageable.  The changes you need to make might just involve changing lighting to a lower level, adjusting sound levels in your home, or creating a new schedule.

If initial interventions do not help, a psychiatrist can prescribe medications which will provide your son with the help he needs.  It’s important to note that psychotropic (mood-altering) drugs like Zoloft or Prozac can help children, but they can also cause serious problems for children.  If the psychiatrist prescribes medication, ask about dosage levels and, more importantly, side effects.  Just about all drugs have side effects, and it’s important for you to know about them so you know what to expect.  You know your son better than anyone else; ask yourself if he can handle side effects like nausea, hypersensitivity, or prolonged sleepiness.  These are all possible, depending on the medication prescribed.

You can obtain additional information about this subject in the book  A Parent’s Guide to Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism: How to Meet the Challenges and Help Your Child Thrive by Sally Ozonoff, Geraldine Dawson, and James McPartla. This book is available on the internet at: Parent’s Guide

This book was written to help parents of children with Asperger’s Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism (AS/HFA).  The book contains common terms and strategies for by AS/HFA.  You can use this book as a reference during your child’s developmental years.  The book advocates capitalizing on your son’s strengths and the challenges he will face on a daily basis.  One of the highlights of this book is that it will help you to distinguish between your son’s adolescent issues and the effects of autism/Asperger’s.

Thanks for reading
Dave Angel

PS Some of the latest articles to be added to the new website include how to help your child to speak more appropriately to others, how to help your child when he becomes an adult, and an overview of the issues and differences for both mums and dads when parenting a child with Aspergers.

Hi it’s Dave Angel typing in a huge hurry as I am trying to dash out of the door to my local library for the Christmas stories this morning with my daughter! So with no time for further ado here’s this week’s article:

Question

I have a 15 (almost 16) year old with Asperger’s.  She was a late diagnosis (wasn’t diagnosed until she was 14).  What I would like to know is how do you help a teen with transition services, i.e. getting a job, learning to drive, going to or even just getting into college, when the teen doesn’t have any desire to learn or do any of those things?

Answer

Unfortunately, and as of this writing, the diagnoses of autism and Asperger’s Syndrome do not receive the same government support as do other more well-known disabilities.  When financial assistance is not available for therapy or medication, illnesses go untreated, and the person with Asperger’s experiences mental and social difficulties.  If you can afford medical services, obtain them as soon as you can.  If you cannot afford such services, check with your child’s school.  They can design an individualized treatment plan for her.  The ideal treatment plan involves your daughter, a counsellor or therapist, her teachers, and her parents be consistently involved with her treatment and use effective teaching and disciplinary principles.  While you may not be able to afford therapy for your daughter, you will learn a lot of coping principles at the treatment plan meetings.

A quick, easy way for you to start helping your daughter is to begin reading books about Asperger’s Syndrome.  There are many titles on the subject; start by going on the internet and typing the words “Asperger’s girls” or “Asperger’s teenagers.”  The books can be purchased on the internet, or you can make note of the titles and take them to your local bookstore.  They will order them for you. In addition to the internet, keep up with the information provided on this website.  Make it a habit to read the questions and answers on this website to get the information you need.  Another source of information is your nearest autism or Asperger’s Association and support group.  They will refer you to free or low cost services available in your area.
All parents of Asperger’s Syndrome children worry about their child’s diagnosis as well as their future.  There is an excellent video available titled “Asperger’s Syndrome: Transition to College and Work” by Dan and Julie Coulter.

At the age of 14, your daughter is coping with adolescence in addition to her Asperger’s diagnosis.  Talk with her about the future, and discuss the benefits of driving, going to work, and attending college.  Don’t expect her to make conclusive decisions about these subjects, especially college.  After all, it is several years away.  Prioritize her issues.  First, make sure she gets treatment for her Asperger’s, see if there is a teenage support group in your area, and take the rest slowly.  Her first goal should be learning about and getting treatment for her Asperger’s Syndrome.

One educational option for your daughter is a junior college as opposed to a university.  Colleges are now accommodating their growing populations of disabled students who begin their studies with a variety of diagnoses.  Community college can be an excellent choice for an Asperger’s student because students at community colleges get more counselling support, and, since most community college students are still living at home, they have fewer new adjustments to make.  Whether she chooses a community or four year college, it is best to find one which offers special programs for students with disabilities.  Before enrolling, students on the autism spectrum need help planning a manageable course load.

One way to help prepare your daughter for adulthood is a part-time job while in high school.  See if you can determine your daughter’s vocational strengths and interests that will help her be successful with part-time employment.

To learn more about teenagers and Asperger’s Syndrome, read the book Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent’s Guide to Cognitive, Social, Physical, and Transition Needs of Teenagers with Autism Spectrum Disorders by Chantal Sicile-Kira.  This book considers the issues that teens with Asperger’s Syndrome cope with during their teenage years.  The information is clearly written and is appropriate for children outside the autistic spectrum, too.  It was written by a parent, for parents.  While the book doesn’t present the issues in depth, it does serve as a starting point for planning your daughter’s future.
Have a great day
Dave Angel

PS – I wrote several more interesting articles this week for the new site entitled “How to discipline a child with Aspergers” and “How to find competent therapists for a child with Aspergers” which I know may be very useful for many of you. And again apologies for the delay in this website (still aiming for January) but there’s so much to still do!

Hi there – I managed to find the report about Christmas Shopping and your child with ASD. You can get a copy over at the following web page:

http://www.parentingaspergers.com/christmas.html

Thanks

Dave Angel

This is an article designed to help parents of children who have Aspergers through the holiday seasons. We all have fond memories of our own childhood, when we looked forward to putting up the decorations, eating mouth watering meals and receiving all those longed for presents at Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. As parents we naturally want our children to enjoy it all and have as much fun as we did so we talk, anticipate and prepare with mounting excitement as the celebrations draw nearer. However for those families who are raising a child with Aspergers syndrome it all adds up to an almighty headache! Children with Aspergers Syndrome have a real hard time coping with all of these celebrations and if they have their birthday on top of that… well you may as well pack up and go away until Spring!

Anticipation for a child with Aspergers Syndrome leads to increased levels of anxiety which they cannot control. They become overloaded and then you have a massive meltdown at the time when you are all supposed to be enjoying and celebrating the season of peace and goodwill! The party will be ruined and everybody upset, especially your child who is trying so hard to fit in and be like everybody else. So how can you achieve the impossible and enjoy the season while at the same time keeping your Aspergers child calm and behaving appropriately?

The first simple step to take is to simply reduce the time talking about the festive occasion. Remember he /she cannot easily control their emotions and to chatter constantly about the event will simply lead to stress and anxiety. It is useful to enlist the help of others in your home in this and keep any conversations to a minimum while your Aspergers child is around. Another great strategy to help is to keep any physical changes to your home to the minimum, so by all means decorate, put up cards and a tree but just don’t make a big fuss about it all. A good tip is to not put out any presents until the day they are to be opened as your Aspergers child will have a hard time keeping their hands off and will became anxious and potentially oppositional.

Although it’s important not to overload your child it is equally important to explain any changes to their routines. So prepare your child for any changes by calmly telling them the day before what will be happening. Visual supports always work well so use photos or simple pictures to explain what will be happening. It is also important to explain to your child what is expected of them, e.g. to say ‘hello how are you” to guests and sit at the table to share the meal. Your child will also need to be given permission to leave the festivities and you can rehearse this together with some simple role play. This is really important as it gives your child an exit strategy and also allows them to get through the celebrations without going into meltdown. Additionally if you see that he/she is becoming distressed you can also activate the exit cue so your child gets out before the situation deteriorates. Following these simple steps should lead to a much more positive experience for everyone and will provide your Aspergers child with the love, support, reassurance and above all confidence to participate fully in these wonderful occasions.

So to summarize briefly it is important to keep preparations and discussions around the holidays to a minimum when the child with Aspergers is around. Preparing them as to what will be expected of them at this time, as well as incorporating an exit strategy, will help further. Good luck!

Dave

Hi there – It’s time for your Aspergers parenting article again. Some times 7 days swings around so quick – it seems like I barely left my keyboard here!

Anyway the Christmas season is upon us – and being the devoted dad I am I took my little girl down to the local library for Christmas story time and a “Mystery Special Guest” appearance today! After a long walk down in the freezing cold we got there and I re-read the leaflet which said it was on the 9th December! Oops! Fortunately we did manage to do some impressive Christmas Tree drawing with the kind library staff – so all was not lost!

Oh and talking of Christmas I am going to try and dig out several free reports that I have previously written about the Christmas season and children with ASD and put them on the web – so look for an email on that. Anyway seasonal frivolities over with; here’s this week’s article … (there are several links to books in there but for some unknown reason they are not working if you click them – so just copy and paste the links into your browser box at the top of your screen to visit the sites).

Question

Please can you tell me about girls with Asperger’s and their friends and relationships?

Answer

People who study and treat Asperger’s Syndrome state that the number of girls with Asperger’s is equal to that of boys; however, the girls are not diagnosed as often because the syndrome presents itself differently in girls.  The common behaviours seen in both girls and boys with Asperger’s are as follows:
•    Difficulty reading social cues and body language
•    Problems with social skills
•    Demonstrating impatience
•    Difficulty developing empathy for others
A notable difference between girls and boys with Asperger’s is that boys will act out aggressively when they are frustrated.  As a result, they get attention from adults while the girls remain silent about their frustrations.  The girls appear to be shy or passive and adults overlook their problems; they have average or above-average intelligence that helps to hide their social awkwardness.

There is a book entitled Pretending To Be Normal; it is an autobiography written by Liane Holliday-Willey, who has Asperger’s Syndrome ( you can read more about it at http://tinyurl.com/5fpb5a). It discusses the difficulties that girls have with Asperger’s.  The thesis of the book is that girls do not understand how to process their feelings and express their emotions in socially acceptable ways.  As a result, they become people pleasers.  They are seen with smiles on their faces that mask the problems they are having.  There are many social scientists who believe that girls are better at camouflaging their disorder because they are socialized to be passive and submissive.

Passivity isn’t the only detectable symptom of Asperger’s Syndrome in females.  Young women with Asperger’s learn to mimic the behaviours of other children, and this happens when there are role models present.  If no role models are available, girls with Asperger’s do not learn proper behaviour; they will learn behavioural “scripts” that facilitate their interactions with other people.  Also, they might use dolls as substitute friends and create their own insulated lives with their dolls.
During the elementary school years, girls with Asperger’s will find one good friend who is matronly.  This friend becomes the link between the girl and the outside world.  This friend can provide support and encouragement to the girl, but, if the friend moves away, the girl with Asperger’s can experience extremely negative consequences.

The sooner that a young girl is properly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, the sooner she can obtain professional help.  With the support of a doctor and friends, she can learn appropriate, socially acceptable behaviors.  Also, she can develop independent living skills.

To begin helping a girl with Asperger’s, read the book Girls Under The Umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders: Practical Solutions for Addressing Everyday Challenges by Lori Ernsperger, Ph.D., and Danielle Wendel ( just go to http://tinyurl.com/5qvkky to find more about it).  This book was authored by an experienced professional and a mother of a young girl on the autism spectrum.  The authors provide insightful, first-hand accounts of girls’ lives along with research-based strategies and practical techniques for addressing the unique needs of girls on the spectrum while nurturing their gifts and talents.

Thanks for reading
Dave Angel

PS – I’ve not had chance to listen to any of the Total Transformation Program yet on CD as my car stereo blew up last week – but I aim to use my wife’s car this week so I will start reviewing the audio program soon! You can check it out in the mean time at http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

PPS – The new Aspergers site is still evolving as we spoke; I hope to have it all ready some time in January. I’ve been splitting the site up into different sections; which all contain lots of different related articles. Some of the sections I’ve added so far are social skills, gaining independence, siblings issues, sex and sexuality, and education.