Hi there here’s this week’s article coming up. But just before that … Good News! The new Aspergers website is definitely going to be all ready to go in March. Look out for another email from me in the next 48 hours telling you exactly how you can become one of the first people on this site when it launches …

But without further ado here’s this weeks article …

Question

My son is 7 years old and was diagnosed with PDD-NOS/Asperger’s Syndrome 12 months ago.  He is high functioning.  I want to know when is the right time to tell him that he has been diagnosed with this, and what exactly do I say?  My husband does not want to disclose it to him just yet, as he is “happy in his oblivion.”  I watched a documentary on the SPA school in the UK (We live in Australia) and every one of those children are aware of their diagnosis.  Am I wrong to withhold this from my son?

Answer

There are two common arguments regarding your question: yours and your spouse’s!  Should a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome be withheld or disclosed?  If it is withheld, when should the Aspie be told about the diagnosis?  An argument can be made for either option.  On one hand, if the diagnosis is withheld, the Aspie might be confused and worried by peer bullying, difficulty in social situations, and a feeling of being different, but not knowing why.  Also, the Aspie may not get the help and treatment he or she needs.  This can lead to a poor self-image.  On the other hand, sharing the diagnosis may label the Aspie as “defective” or “disabled,” which can cause depression and despair, destroying the happiness he had in his oblivion.  What should a parent do?

First of all, Asperger’s Syndrome is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than one would be ashamed of being deaf or dyslexic.  It is not a character defect, but it is a neurobiological difference.  Aspies perceive the world differently than other people do.  All children perceive their differences from others very early in life (certainly before age 7) and, even if they don’t, someone else will point them out!  So, Aspies have a right to know that their differences have a name and that they may have personality traits with which they were born that are somewhat different from others’.  It is best that your son learn this from you, not from someone else.

By telling your son about his diagnosis, you are sending a clear message that there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You are going to convince him that being a little different can be a gift, albeit a challenging one at times.  At your son’s age, you may not have to use the term “Asperger’s Syndrome.”  You might discuss it in a way that he can relate to and accept at age 7.  Being honest about your son’s different way of thinking and connecting it to Asperger’s will help your son accept himself as he is before he goes through the difficulties of puberty and adolescence.  It also gives you and others time to work with him to develop his social skills before the teen years.

At some point, you should be specific about his diagnosis, using the term “Asperger’s Syndrome” and explaining it in more detail.  As far as when to tell……tell when the diagnosis is made, but gear it to the child’s age.

That’s all for today and don’t forget to look out for that email from me over the next 48 hours about the new website.

Take Care

Dave Angel

Hi there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers parenting article. I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that things are definitely rolling with the new Aspergers website for it to be finally completed in March (so it’s nearly here!) Here’s the title of the latest 3 articles that I have added to the site for your information:

“My son continuously seeks attention, usually really bad attention, and fights with absolutely everyone — what can I do?”

“Do you have any tips for predicting my son’s reactions to social settings so we can prepare him for them?”

“My son has started college several times, gets frustrated, and drops out; what can we do?”

Anyway here’s this weeks’ question …

Question

My son was diagnosed with Asperger’s in January, 2008.  His eating habits are not that great.  He will only eat about 3 specific foods which are not at all healthy.  How can I introduce something new to him if he doesn’t like to try anything new?  Unless he has eaten it before, he will not try it.

Answer

This is a common problem with people with Asperger’s.  Some AS adults will eat only three or four foods for months at a time.  For AS kids, many foods taste terrible to them (but not to others) or have disgusting textures or smells.  They can’t help these reactions; they are a part of Asperger’s.  Unfortunately your son’s three choices are not healthy ones, so he isn’t getting a balanced diet.  For that reason, his diet must change.

Your son’s diet should include protein from eggs, milk, cheese, fish, beef, and chicken, pork, even hot dogs.  He needs grains, which provide B vitamins, from breads, hamburger and hot dog buns, corn, and cereals.  He needs vitamins and minerals, including vitamin C, from juices, fruits, and vegetables.  He requires calcium and vitamin D from milk and cheese.  Getting him to eat these foods is the challenge. 

You will have to eliminate the three items he will eat from your home and offer him a variety of other healthy foods, letting him choose what he will eat from them.  Prepare for a battle royal when you do this!  He may scream, cry, and have “meltdowns” at every meal.  But, when he gets hungry, he will try at least some of the new foods.  Whatever you do, don’t give him any of his preferred three foods, or they are all that he will eat and he will never try any of the new foods.  Needless to say, the rest of the family must not eat his preferred foods, either.

Perhaps he would try some whole grain cereals.  Many children like Life cereal or Cheerios (with or without milk).  If he’ll eat the cereal, see if he likes a sliced banana on it.  Use Splenda to sweeten cereal, fruits, and baked items.  Try popcorn (a whole grain).  Don’t load it up with butter.  Fruit juices may appeal to him.  There are new ones on the market that are delicious and have a serving of fruit and one of vegetables in each glass.  Try hot dogs and hamburgers.  He may like scrambled eggs.  If he will drink milk (even chocolate milk or a milkshake), it will give him protein and calcium.

Try mixing rice or noodles into a cheese and chicken casserole.  Most children like macaroni and cheese.  See if he does.  Try tacos made with whole grain tortillas, hamburger, and cheese.  Will he eat fried chicken or chicken nuggets?  How about fish and chips?

Many fruits may taste sour to him.  Canned peaches and pears are sweet and may appeal to him.  Cut fruits into bite sized pieces so they are easy to eat.  Don’t chastise him if he doesn’t eat them; maybe in the future he will.  Make small apple or blueberry muffins.  Yoghurt with fruit is an option you could try.

As far as vegetables are concerned, it may be an uphill road!  But, sometimes vegetables can be hidden in other foods, for example, in those juices mentioned above.  How about putting some onion in his hamburger?  Potatoes are vegetables and he might eat oven-fried French fries (called chips by the British).  Blend some cooked cauliflower into mashed potatoes.  He may not notice the difference.  He may like sweet potatoes.  He might like creamed corn or cornbread.  Does he eat any soups?  You could try tomato soup made with milk; he might like it or chicken noodle soup. 

It’s very important not to make “a big deal” about what he doesn’t eat.  If you do, eating will become an even worse power struggle than it’s going to be.  Offer various new foods at each meal.  If he doesn’t like them, don’t make an issue of it.  He’ll eat something when he gets hungry!  Avoid serving soda pop and sweets so he doesn’t fixate on them.  When he finally accepts a new, healthy food, offer it often, but not at every meal, so he has to keep trying new foods.

My last suggestion is to make sure he has a multivitamin each day.  Get one that is chewable, tastes good, and has a cute shape.  Also, drinking Ensure or Pediasure is a good way to supplement his diet with vitamins and minerals.

Have a great week,

Dave Angel

Hi there – It’s Dave Angel with a quick update …

Several weeks ago now I published a great article by Matthew Readman (a young man diagnosed with Aspergers) that was well received by so many of you. Matthew wrote to thank me and so with his permission I have attached his thank you letter below, and also some more information on Matthew by his mum.

And the really exciting thing is that Matthew has agreed to become a guest writer for the new Aspergers website which is due to be completed next month – and the plan is for him to become a regular contributor on the site; which I think will be amazing.

Here’s Matthew’s thank you letter …

Dear Mr. Angel
I wanted to thank you and all the awesome people out there who wrote such great comments about my article.  I’m so happy that my words can help so many kids who are just like me.  My dream is to be a spokesperson for Autism.  I have read many books and seen many movies about Asbergers, but I found that they were mostly from parents or doctor’s point of view.  I would like to speak on behalf of the kids who are haunted by these problems.  I had read that there was a higher chance of a child committing suicide with asbergers than a child who was not diagnosed.  I want the message to get out to these kids to never give up.  I also want to thank Rachel and Myles Blake for their amazing words of support and asked if we could be friends.  I would love to have new friends even if they were pen pals.  My mother said they could email me and we could talk this way, but I don’t know how to contact them.

So if you ever wanted a guest speaker for anything you are doing, I would love to help.
Thank you again for supporting me and allowing me to speak.

Yours Truly

Matthew Readman

And here’s what his mum wrote …

I thought I would give some background on Matthew so you can understand him better.

Matthew has been able to keep an A average.  With the help of the school and the Director of Special Education Matthew attends the school for gifted children once a week to expand the way Matthew thinks.  During his education assessment when we found out Matt has Asbergers when he was six, Matthew had a 3 day testing of his abilities and found out he had an IQ of 148.  He was always able to express himself like an adult but not as a child.  This is where Matthew socialization really hurt him.  He could never understand his peers which led Matthew to be bullied up to grade 4.  At this time Matt and I discussed sharing his disability with his class.  Matthew stood up in front of his class (by himself)  and told them all about his condition and that he does not at times understand why people ask like they do.  After this Matt school mates accepted him better.  They actually started standing up for him when bullies came around telling them Matt does not understand so leave him alone.  He now gives this talk at the beginning of every school year to his class mates which helps him.  The best part other kids with other disabilities are now following in his foot steps and discussing their disabilities to their class because they see how the bullying has stopped for Matt.

Matthew has achieved high marks in his writing in school.  He can now out write me.  He has already learned how to put a resume together and his use of words are unbelievable. (even I sometimes have to look up the meanings of the words he uses).  I try to express to Matthew its better to dumb things down because not everyone knows what you are saying especially kids his own age so he is not a target.  Matthew is always afraid of doing oral presentations.  He rocks side to side when he talks because he is so nervous. For example Matt had to do a 10 minute oral presentation for ancient history.  He ended up making a movie of him talking with clips and slide show through out it.  The kids in his class thought it was great and kept their attention through out it.  Now Matt makes movies instead.  This way he is a lot calmer when he talks and can make jokes without worrying anyone will make fun of him.

The issues facing him now are:

gym
recess
puberty
girls
studying
his future goals ( he’s already worrying about his career)

I thought you should know this Dave so you know what you are getting yourself into (LOL)

Nansi Readman

Hi there – It’s Tuesday so time for your weekly Aspergers article. It’s coming up below – but I just wanted to update you on the latest development for the new Aspergers website …

Some of you with keen memories may remember me mentioning that the software that I have bought for the new website has the ability to have a mini My Space or Facebook feature …

Well last week I uploaded that function and I am really excited by the potential of it. It will allow you as a parent to have your own page with as much (or as little) detail as you wish. You will also be able to send messages direct to other parents (and me!), have your own mini-blog, make “friends” with other parents, upload your own photos and much more …

I really think that it will be a huge benefit and much more effective than the blog for allowing real communication and support between people, and all being well it’ll be all ready to go in March. Anyway here’s this week’s article:

Question

We lost my father-in-law last year.  My 12-year-old son with Asperger’s is totally devastated.  It is not helped by the fact that he spends the time before school and after school at his Grandma’s house and is constantly reminded of Granddad’s absence by his empty chair.  Due to the fact that I have to work full time, my sons have spent much of their time from Monday to Friday with their grandparents so it is like their second home – they even have their own bedrooms there!  I am finding it very difficult to help him come to terms with Granddad’s death.  I bought a book from the National Autistic Society but it doesn’t seem to be helping.  He is OK most of the time, but will then fall into a black mood and will overreact to the slightest incident and go into a meltdown.  Do you have any advice on what I can do to help him?

Answer
This is a sad and difficult situation for all of you.  As you know, Asperger’s Syndrome is a neurobiological disorder.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have difficulties with social interaction and responses to social situations.  With regard to the emotional aspects of death and grief, your son may react, as you have seen, by getting upset or angry.  These reactions occur because he doesn’t fully understand what has happened and why it happened, and, due to his Asperger’s, doesn’t know how to ask for help in handling the death of his grandfather.  Many people without Asperger’s react to a death with anger and despair, too.

Many children with Aspergers feel that if a beloved relative dies, a “rule” has been broken (i.e.; good people should not die) and they feel very hurt.  So, when it happens, the child feels betrayed.  This can lead to anger and outbursts.  In addition, any unexpected event is particularly difficult.  You son finds it hard to grieve and doesn’t know how to handle his feelings of despair and sadness.  He may not be able to express his grief through tears or talking.

Even if your son can’t ask for help, it is definitely called for in this situation.    Patience, understanding, and support on your part are required.  Be sensitive to his need to talk if he exhibits one and don’t put up barriers to it, such as telling him he’s too young to understand what happened.  If he doesn’t show a need to discuss the death, you should open a discussion anyway.  It may be wise to ask a counsellor or psychologist to talk with him, too.

Children with Aspergers have average or higher levels of intelligence and will appreciate honest, simple explanations about death and grief.  Explain that birth is the beginning of life and death is the end of life and that, when someone dies, we feel bad because we loved the person, didn’t want him to die, and we will miss him.  Don’t tell him his grandfather “went to sleep,” “went away,” “got sick,” that only old people die, or that the death was “God’s will.”  All of these are open to misinterpretations, such as “If I go to sleep when I’m sick, will I die?”  Or, “Will God make me die?”  At his age, your son is able to understand that death is irreversible and that he will die eventually, but he needs reassurance that he will most likely live a long time.

Some questions your son asks may seem insensitive, for example, “Are you going to die, Mom?”  He may show curiosity about dead animals or ask about what happens physically to dead things.  These questions may seem gruesome, but they are a way of learning about death.  Children should not be made to feel guilty or embarrassed about their curiosity.

Your son may feel that the death of his grandfather, who was a good person, was unfair.  This is the time to gently explain that many things that happen in life are not fair and that we should try to help each other cope when unfair things happen.  Perhaps, discussing some nice things to do for his grandmother would help him feel needed.  Many Aspies respond very well to being needed by others.

Your son will need a lot of time to accept this death and may react with anger at unexpected times.  Be understanding.  Time will help ease the pain.  Use books to help him understand and provide a good model of acceptable behavior for him.  Also, keeping a journal of his thoughts about his grandfather may help.

Until next week,

Dave Angel

I recently received a really insightful email from a woman with Aspergers (Trudy) and with her permision really wanted to share it with you. I have left the email virtually intact so that the words are direct from Trudy and not edited in any way by me …

“Hi Dave! I just needed to write to you, after reading an email I received of this week’s Aspergers question. I am 33 & a mother of 6, I have lived my whole life not knowing that I had a name, “Aspergers” it made sense when I learned about myself, “the condition”. I have to say that I am not satisfied with the way Aspergers are being treated, to me it is as if we are in the dark ages, & going about it all wrong!!! I am no expert, no do I have any qualifications to show, but I do know what it is like to be “me”.

We are no different to gay people who are programmed from a young age not to act gay, humanity has finally accepted they are “different from our condition”, so why can’t the Aspergers people sit and stim, along side a gay man embellishing his gestures? I was raised strict ,and by that I mean, they taught me to be a perfect model human, no sign of my aspergers was allowed to stay, & I have trouble now even getting people to believe that I am different. I do it sooo well, I even had the marriage & kids, the job the big home, friends  & went along as a puppet! Not happy, but normal in the eyes of others, my aspie self still inside, but crying,  just the way gay people talk about the way they tried to deny that part of them, ….it hurts! & that’s why we stim. Just like an itchy turtleneck jumper & tight shoes make me feel, so does the rules of correct behaviour! (some of which make no sense, like lies or contradictions) & no matter how long you put that jumper on me, I will never get used to it. I will only bare it for so long until I will SNAP and scream, so to with society’s expectations of me! 

Yes, let us know about what is normal to “you” , we “need” the info to understand you! PLEASE STOP TEACHING US TO “BE” NORMAL,  spend all of your efforts on teaching those around us how to accept us & you will see how beautiful as aspergers can be, & we will stop most of the withdrawing behaviour all by ourselves, WE ARE QUITE BRIGHT U KNOW! …..and we DO have feelings just that they don’t show unless we feel safe to be ourselves & comfortable with the surrounding human input! So stay calm, and just talk to us, we take in phenomenal amounts of info, but we see “more” than u. We see a lot of the inaccuracies in your gestures, as compared to your speech, we hear more, like the speech patterns & vague inaccuracies in your tone compared to what is being said & those mixed messages are what confuses us. We are living lie detectors but u imagine how complicated the world is then! Learn how to be honest around us, we benefit greatly! If u are feeling something, tell us, but don’t be a drama queen. We are very sensitive & to us, it is just like another sense along side sight & touch etc…& we get overwhelmed by it  & we cant describe it!

Have u noticed that aspies like using computers and prefer the words without emotional attachments! Telephones are bad as we can still hear the confusing stuff, just like in person, but worse, as we lack the input of a face & gestures,… but u may see an aspie that wont look at u,… well.. they are not comfortable with something that is coming out of u. They detect a lie & are looking away to save themselves from the confusing info. But we also look away from u if we are attempting a lie, as we think that u can see it, the way we can! ..Yes, we need to practice being around u ,but u need to learn to be around us even more!!! as I think QUITE FRANKLY, normals are the slow learners!
 
anyway enough for now!!!
please …& I mean…PLEASE email me back
as I need to know if u got this message & what u got from my speech
(and tell the truth, as I don’t mind)
you don’t need to say much & I don’t mind if its short at all
thanks for reading!
Trudy Beckham”

Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog from a very snowy South Coast of England. We so very rarely get any snow here so it’s quite a big deal. Last night I was out with my 20 month old daughter (Honey) who absolutely loved it. Unfortunately I decided that the cold roast potatoes from the fridge would make great “eyes” for the snowman … Sadly not; we ended up with a very greasy snowman’s head when the potatoes burst as I tried to shape them into eyes! Ah well who wants a perfect snowman anyway!

Latest on the new website is that I am still sorting a few things with the web designers but it should definitely be ready in March. I apologize hugely for the delays – as I know initially I told you that I was aiming for January, but it’s just been a mammoth task combining everything to make it work.

I am still writing and adding articles all the time; this week I’ve added articles on the following questions:

“We are divorced and each of us as a parent has our own way of handling the child. He’s confused due to this joint custody, so what do you advise?”

“Is there anything I can do to help me remember that his behaviors are not designed to irritate me and that to him they are needful or make sense?”

“My son talks incessantly; I don’t want to dent his confidence, but need some peace and quiet — how can I deal with this sensitively?”

Now on to this week’s article which is ….

Question

My teenaged son with Aspergers goes crazy when he sees a woman’s feet.  He likes to touch them.  I can’t go out anywhere because I always have this problem.  When I try to stop him he turns violent and tries to hit me or hits himself.  What can I do to help him?

Answer

Teens with Aspergers have a difficult time understanding sexual feelings and appropriate actions regarding sexual activities.  Many times, the sexual interests of people with Aspergers, at your son’s age, are one-sided, not reciprocal, as it is when he touches the feet of women he doesn’t know.  As you have seen, this results in some terribly difficult situations.  Your son is unable to understand the rules that govern this type of behavior; he only knows that he must (as far as he is concerned) touch those feet!  He misunderstands the situation and acts too intense and very inappropriately.  His frustration when you try to stop him results in violence.

If all sense of proportion is lost, an obsession like his can lead to a criminal offense.  A lack of concern for others can result in an assault that is damaging.  People with Aspergers often lack insight into the feelings of others and deny responsibility for their actions; this is an inability to see inappropriate behavior as others see it.  This situation is very serious because of the potential for arrest and prosecution.  Sit him down and explain to him very graphically how the women feel when he approaches them and touches them.  He must understand that they are terrified, don’t know what to do, and upset because this type of behavior in public is illegal.  Tell him he could be arrested and put in jail.  Repeat this – over and over.

Adults with Asperger’s, who have average or above IQs, report a high frequency of obsessions and compulsions that are intrusive, upsetting, and overwhelming.

People with Aspergers tend to be obsessive about their interests, so it’s no surprise that a lot of them are obsessed with sex.  Reports have been made regarding these obsessions, but they haven’t been studied much.  Sexual obsessions are more commonly reported by people with Aspergers who also were diagnosed with Obssessive/Compulsive Disorder.  Compulsions occupied at least one to three hours per day in 26%, and 56% reported anxiety if prevented from performing their rituals.

It’s difficult to determine if your son’s behaviour is distinct as a sexually offensive behavior or one that is a manifestation of Asperger’s Syndrome, or both.  The two are merged.  He will continue this behavior unless intensive treatment is provided.  His insight and ability to stop is extremely limited and you are not able to control him at his age and size.

Your son may well need professional counseling support.  Consult with a psychotherapist familiar with both sexually offending behaviours and pervasive developmental disorders.  Family psychotherapy and careful supervision are warranted.  The therapist may recommend that he participate in group social skills training and group treatment for adolescents with sexually offending behaviours and pervasive developmental disabilities.  A therapeutic, highly structured and supervised educational program would seem necessary.

Individuals with ASD who have obsessive-compulsive symptoms may benefit from standard treatments for OCD such as serotonin reuptake inhibitors as well as cognitive and behavioural therapies.  Serotonergic drugs can reduce obsessions, although finding the right drug may take time and, once found, its effect may be partial and temporary. Also as ever; be mindful of any side effects.

The sooner you arrange for your son to get some help, the better.

Have a great week

Dave Angel