Question:

How do I get my son with Aspergers to understand that he is very strong and could possibly hurt someone when he over reacts?

Answer:

Children with Autism are sometimes unaware of their power and physical strength.  When your son gets upset, he can easily become completely overwhelmed, losing control emotionally and physically.  A simple unexpected change in his daily routine can lead to a battle of will and muscle.  Unfortunately, tantrums and meltdowns can escalate to a dangerous level when you least expect it.  Parents can step in and regain control when their children are young.  However, as the children get older, it becomes a huge problem.

First, let’s discuss some causes for your son’s over reactions.  Rigid thinking and a lack of social skills are common culprits.  In addition, sensory issues and obsessive thinking may also play a role.  Discovering the exact sources of your son’s negative responses can help you find a solution to the problem.  At the very least, you can reduce the number of meltdowns he has and find other ways for him to deal with his emotions.  Here are some tips that may help you.

• Anger is a heavy emotion that comes from deep inside.  Have your son talk or write about the things that make him angry.  Releasing these feelings verbally or by writing them down can be a tremendous stress reliever.   Help him recognize and identify both the feeling of anger and the source of anger.  For example, sometimes anger starts as embarrassment and escalates because of inner conflict.  Sometimes it starts as sadness.  If we are unable to deal with the original emotion, it can grow to become anger.

• Some kids do better speaking with a neutral individual.  A guidance counselor or school social worker may be able to help.  A therapist specially trained to work with children with Autism is your best choice.

• Practice a few physical exercises with your child to show him how strong he is.  A contest involving push-ups, age appropriate heavy lifting, and bicep curls, or an arm wrestling match will be a fun way to show him how he compares in strength to other family members.  Use this time to remind him how easy it would be for him to hurt another person.

Your best bet for success is to help your son retrain his mind.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on how we let our emotions control our actions.  This therapy uses techniques that help you recognize when you are allowing your emotions to take control, then offers an alternative solution.  It is highly successful for many symptoms of Autism.  You can find a trained CBT therapist or find references published for home use.  An excellent book to start with is Exploring Feelings:  Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Manage Anger by Tony Attwood (please click this link to find out more) 

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Teaching manners to a child with Asperger’s Syndrome takes preparation, patience, and practice.  Manners fall under the realm of social skills, an area of great struggle for children with Asperger’s Syndrome.  This is one of the main characteristics of the condition.  Many parents believe that the lack of social ability means good manners are not possible, but this is not true.  Here are some thoughts on the subject.

• Preparation

Using written dialogue or social stories, you can teach your child precise concepts and ideas.  Like an actor, your child can perform the dialogue and make natural looking moves toward good manners.  Social stories will give your child a complete scenario from which to build his own responses.

• Patience

You may cover a particular manner or concept many times before your child is able to remember it and perform it correctly.  It takes patience to teach social skills and manners to children with Asperger’s Syndrome.  A calm demeanor filled with positive reinforcements will get the desired result.

• Practice

These skills and individual manners should be taught and practiced beginning in childhood.  By starting young, you ensure your child years of practice time before he ever needs to use some of these skills.  Repetitive teaching will yield an automatic response when the time comes for your child to use these skills in a real life situation.

It is important that you remain positive and upbeat while teaching social manners to your child with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Use praise and rewards for proper execution.  Find resources to help you decide what skills and manners you would like your child to know.  The book “How Rude! The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out,” by Alex J. Packer, is a humorous take on your basic dull and boring etiquette book.  You and your child will laugh as you read this how-to guide on manners and proper teen behavior.

Teaching manners and social skills to your child with Asperger’s Syndrome should be a constructive experience.  Aim to teach these skills before your child learns inappropriate responses for the best possible outcome.  It is easier to teach a new skill than to correct an old skill.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

This article is written by Matthew Readman who is a young man with Asperger’s from Canada. He has been a contributor for several years here at Parenting Aspergers. His latest article is a moving one…

“This article is dedicated to my principal Mr. Dudley Brown.  He is the principal of William G. Davis in Canada. 

As you know, being a kid with Asperger’s makes it hard to fit in school.  When I entered middle school, I walked in as a scared little kid who had been bullied, misunderstood with no direction to turn. 

As you are aware of my articles, my first year of middle school was horrible.  I had a lot of conflicts with the teacher, classmates and even my own identity.  By the time my own Valentine massacre happened, my principle Mr. Brown took it upon himself to help me.

 In my two years, I remember when I first met Mr. Brown; he was giving an orientation to the grade eight classes of 2011.  At this time, I didn’t know anything about Mr. Brown. 

In this lecture he was giving to the grade eights, Mr. Brown seemed to be yelling at them about their hospitality to the grade sevens (basically they were being mean to us).  When I heard this I thought he was too strict to even talk too.  To be honest he scared me to death and the best way to deal with him was to avoid him.

But that all changed when I had my first encounter with him.  Mr. Brown always called me Maddie instead of Matthew.  One of my favorite memories was at track and field…

All my events were done and Mr. Brown and I were talking and he bought me an ice cream.  We talked about life and told me stories about his child hood.   Since then whenever we saw each other in the hall we would always talk for five to ten minutes, if not more depending on our schedules.

Through those two years, Mr. Brown became my best friend and my mentor.  He would always reassure me if I felt down or laugh at my comments.  I could say anything to him without him judging me.  He always made me feel comfortable.

I have now graduated and now entering a new chapter in my life.   At graduation I was scared to death.  I hate standing in front of all these students and parents.  When I went up to receive my diploma, Mr. Brown shook my hand and said “I’m going to miss you Maddie” I grabbed my diploma fast because I was tearing up. 

In everyone’s life there will always be a teacher or principal who you always remember.  Mr. Brown, I will never forget how you helped me. You are my friend my mentor and showed me life is worth living.  You taught me to never give up on my dreams and never give up on myself.  

As I enter this new phase in my life, you have encouraged me that the pros will always out do the cons and as long as I be myself  and that I will be fine and have the best time in high school.    I want to know, how you thank someone who has taken you from depression to hope.  Who has taught you social right from wrong and weak to strong. 

Mr. Brown made me believe in myself and that it’s OK to stand up for myself and show the world that I belong. I entered William G. Davis as a scared little boy and walk out a more confident teen with my head held up high.

 At the end of the year, parents usually give gifts to the teacher to say thanks.  I know my mom always gives a bottle of wine.  I think that’s her way of saying “you made it through the year” LOL. 

For my principal Mr. Brown, there is nothing that I could buy you to show you my gratitude.  So this article is my gift to you.

Matthew Readman

P.S. You can read lots more of Matthew’s articles (15 to be precise) on topics as diverse as:

Asperger’s and the school dance

Asperger’s and soul searching

Asperger’s and the dentist

Asperger’s and depression

Asperger’s and heartache

Asperger’s and the brain

You can read all 15, as well as gain all of the other great benefits of membership to The Parenting Asperger’s Community for just $1 (14 day trial) – http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/778.cfm

There are several reasons why teachers may seem unwilling to implement your child’s Individualized Education Plan, or IEP.  Lack to classroom resources, financial limits, and staff shortages are a few of the most common complaints given by teachers.  However, an IEP is a contract, a legal document that must be followed and properly implemented, as required by law.  This document represents your child’s right to a free, appropriate, public education.  The IEP is the cornerstone of support that a child with Autism needs to be successful.

It is unfortunate that you are dealing with this issue.  As the parent of a child with special educational needs, it will be your responsibility to hold your child’s teachers accountable.  If you are not an active part of the team, you cannot always be sure of the school’s compliance.  We must always be aware of our children’s educational situations and circumstances.  Not only that, but we must also help out children develop the ability to understand their educational needs.  As Michelle Garcia Winner’s book Thinking about YOU Thinking about ME points out, the students and teachers must understand what is expected from an IEP before it can be properly implemented.

We must be prepared to go all the way if it is needed, and it sounds like you have reached that point.  Perhaps you can share the above mentioned book with your child’s teacher as a gentle nudge in the right direction.  In addition, here are a few suggestions.

• Request a parent/teacher conference to discuss your child’s IEP progress.  Ask for specific examples and instances of the IEP in action.  This will be a good time to clear up any misconceptions and to state your expectations.

• Follow up your meeting with a written summary, explaining the areas of the IEP you feel are in question.  Ask for confirmation that all IEP goals are being implemented.  Your goal is to settle any misunderstanding at this level.

•  Any member of the IEP team can request a review meeting to review and/or make changes to the child’s plan.  Make your request in writing.   If you must take this step, be sure to keep written records of all conversations with your child’s teachers and assistants.

It is very important that you follow due process.  Due process is a system of legal steps you must take if you are not in agreement with your child’s school or educational plan.  Your child’s school or the state’s Department of Education office can provide you with a copy of the official policies and procedures.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

P.S. You can discover my Simple 60 Minute System for improving your child’s success (and enjoyment) at school… http://www.parentingaspergers.com/teachtheteachersspecialoffer.htm

PARENTING ASPERGER’S NEWSLETTER 66
       
Welcome to the 66th edition of “The Parenting Asperger’s Newsletter”. 

Inside this edition, you will find:

1. Don’t Forget Your Freebies! – Free Parenting Plus Newsletter on Social Skills/Friendships PLUS An Audio (MP3) Interview

2. Hot Topic of Discussion –   Fighting the Distractions of Summer

3. In the News – Asperger’s and Summer Safety

4. Prominent People Linked with ASD – American Musician, Travis Meeks
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1. Don’t Forget Your Freebie! – Free Parenting Plus Newsletter on Social Skills/Friendships

a.) You can get a free copy of my Parenting Plus Newsletter on Social Skills/Friendships
(valued at $34.95) by taking my quick survey at http://kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=MCIOJF_15a404e8&UID=1911556264

b.) I also have an audio recording with Dr. Ravinovich (a Psychologist from Los Angeles) where I grilled her for an hour on techniques for helping children with Asperger’s develop social skills.

To get a free copy all you need to do is click the following link… https://apps.facebook.com/handshake_view/index.php?mktid=276&marid=301&fwdndx=2

It’s called a Facebook Handshake which basically means it shares your likes, and other groups you connect to, with me. (which is really helpful for me in planning future Facebook posts, blog posts and resources). You’ll then get taken to the web page with the audio interview on.

2. Hot Topic of Discussion –   Fighting the Distractions of Summer—Schedules and Asperger’s Syndrome

One of the biggest complaints lodged by parents of children with Asperger’s Syndrome is the issue of loose summer days.  The lack of structure and schedule can quickly lead to boredom, which can cause serious behavioral issues.  The links below highlight ideas for summer fun, as well as ideas to keep a routine during your school break.

http://www.netplaces.com/parenting-kids-with-aspergers-syndrome/extracurricular-activities/summer-camp.htm

http://meetchaz.blogspot.com/2011/06/summer-routine-for-aspergers.html

*People mentioned as having Asperger’s Syndrome may or may not have actually have been diagnosed with an ASD.

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3.  In the News – Asperger’s Syndrome and Summer Safety

With the extra down time of summer comes the additional need for summer safety.  Children and teens with Asperger’s do not always feel danger in various situations.  To help you prepare for summer safety, here are several links to articles discussing, social safety, water safety, and Internet safety.  Here’s to a safe summer!

http://www.autismkey.com/summer-safety-for-children-with-autism/

http://technewszone.com/reviews-autism-aspergers-related-books/water-safety-ultimate-life-skill-james-ball/

http://www.healthguideinfo.com/aspergers-syndrome/p116077/

http://talismanacademy.crchealth.com/networking/

http://autismsocietyofnc.wordpress.com/2010/10/10/promoting-internet-safety-for-individuals-with-asperger%E2%80%99s-syndrome-and-autism/

http://www.autism-help.org/communication-social-circles-autism.htm
*People mentioned as having Asperger’s Syndrome may or may not have actually have been diagnosed with an ASD.

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4. Prominent People Linked with ASD- American Musician, Travis Meeks
 
Travis Meeks was born in 1979 in Indiana, into a family with heavy musical ability.  He learned to play the guitar by the age of nine and was soon playing for audiences.  Travis’ drug problems are well documented and there is some mention of his Asperger’s diagnosis.  Read more about Travis and his band, “Days of the New” by clicking the following links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Travis_Meeks

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Days_of_the_new

*The person mentioned above may or may not have Asperger’s Syndrome.
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I hope this month’s newsletter has intrigued you and provided new and useful information.
  
And as always … please send in any inspirational stories, any questions that you would like our team of experts to answer, any topics that you wish to be discussed, and news stories that you want to share VIA THE BLOG.

We will publish as many as we can.

Until next month…

Best Wishes

Dave Angel