Adults with Aspergers and being Street Wise

Filed under:Independence — posted by admin on April 14, 2009 @ 3:11 pm

Hi there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers blog post.

Just a quick reminder that I’ve recently had a guest expert join the Parenting Aspergers Community and she’s going to be providing great gluten free recipes for members.

Her name is Jules Shepard and she’s a published author who has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows in America.

To get her great gluten-free Southern Cornbread recipe for free just head on over to http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/233.cfm?sd=225

Happy cooking … and here’s this week’s article

Question

My 21 year old is staying out all night and not telling us where he has been. I am worried as he is not really “street wise” and probably at big risk.

Answer

Those with Asperger’s have a lot of difficulty recognizing when someone is lying to them, using them for their own purposes, or befriending them in order to get them involved in inappropriate activities. Many Asperger’s teens and adults are surprised that someone would even try to take advantage of them. While they understand if something is true or false, they cannot understand why someone would use the truth to create lies, say one thing but mean something else, or believe something that is not true.

The slow or confused processing of emotions many Aspies experience can impede awareness of dangerous situations and stop rational thought. The emotional warning signs that are meant to protect them from difficult or harmful situations may malfunction, or work so slowly that they lose effectiveness. This means that Aspies are less prepared to defend themselves verbally or physically in an argument or conflict or say “No” to inappropriate activities. Consequently, your son, even though he is an adult, may fall victim to exploitation or worse through no fault of his own.

Even though he is an adult, you must still try to protect your socially naïve son as he is not ready for the same amount of freedom as other adults. Does he have a trustworthy friend or relative (a cousin, perhaps) who could help him by going out with him and keeping him out of trouble?

This person can try to help him understand that many people act friendly, but may want to get him involved in foolish or dangerous activities. Also, this person could help him get involved in clubs or groups in which he will meet responsible friends.

Counselling is definitely called for in this situation. You and a counsellor may be able to convince your son to tell you what is going on when he is outside the home. Also, he needs to tell you when “friends” want him to do something wrong or dangerous. Convince him that by doing so he is doing the right thing, obeying the law, and keeping himself and others safe.

It is probably a good idea to put your name on all his bank accounts so that both of you must agree before he can access his money.

Sit down with your son and have a long talk about what he shouldn’t do when he is with friends, including inappropriate sexual activity, criminal activity, take drugs, drink, drive after drinking, and so forth. Make it very clear to him the negative consequences of doing each of these things, in very specific terms. Make it clear that he must not engage in these activities even to gain the friendship of others.

One of the good things for young people with Aspergers in this situation is that they can be very “black and white” in sticking to rules. So if you can emphasise some of the laws around certain behaviors e.g. petty crime, certain sexual behaviours, use of alcohol/drugs etc. you have a much better chance of compliance than with non-Aspie teens. In such situations quite rigid thinking can be a good thing if it helps to keep your son on the “straight and narrow”.

You should also consider the possibility of a group home or assisted living situation for your son to help him learn to become independent and act responsibly.

That’s all for th is week and don’t forget that free cornbread recipe at http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/233.cfm?sd=225

Take care

Dave Angel

comments (6)

6 comments »

My son is now 25, but decided to move into his own place when he was 19 – I tought he was too young, but he always seemed to be mature for his age, so I let him. the first couple of years were fine, until his car broke down and he moved back home to be close enough to work to walk, until it was fixed. This was only supposed to be a couple of weeks. 4 months later, we had discussion about getting his own place, after all he could afford it and it was close to work. Within 3 months, he had sunk into a deep depression and quit his $15.00 job, his credit card was maxed out, and no unemployment. He had been hanging around with some no so nice carractors, this was one of the reasons for moving him into his own place (didn’t like getting up at 5:30 AM and finding strangers walking around the house)

It took over 2 years of counceling and medication to get him back on track, but he still has lapses in judgement, especially when it concerns money and jobs. He is lucky if he can find a job paying $9.00 an hour now.

I forgot to mention that he also lost his long-time girl friend during this whole ordeal.

Comment by Debra Swenson — April 14, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
I don’t remember how I first encountered this newsletter, Dave but I am so glad I found this great resource.

I have a 15 year old son who has mild Aspergers and now that he is becoming a young man, it is very difficult to guage where he is emotionally and mentally. He doesn’t cause me any problems and is really into his studies.

Reading the newletter and the comments of other parents, is really helping me during this transition into his young adulthood. Thank you to everyone.

Tania

Comment by Tania — April 14, 2009 @ 9:10 pm
I worry so about this type of stuff all the time. My aon is only 12 and he has no social skills to speak of, I don’t know what it will be like when he is older. And it’s not like I have not tried its just the nature of the condition. I just wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over my son. Although I do like that he is a big teddy bear not a mean bone in his body.

Comment by Chris Cady — April 14, 2009 @ 10:30 pm
My son is also 21 and after trying to live with a girl, who said she would look after and understand his needs and odd ways, he is back home. Unfortunately, due to being a musician and in that enviroment, he is into drugs and alcohol and can’t see the problem as it helps him cope with the social side of life. He has been left a nervous wreck by the girl and can’t function outside of his limited lifestyle without the crutch of drink and drugs. I have no where to turn and worry for his mental state as he is a deppresive and wonder when I’ll get a phone call telling me the worst.

Comment by Lianne Harris — April 15, 2009 @ 12:55 pm
We had the exact situation with our son, although growing up he had several diagnosis’ like ADHD, obsessive, depression, and autistic-like behavior. Our grandson has been diagnosed with Aspergers and it is obvious our son is an Aspie also. Our son is 33 now and living with his wife and her parents, he works full time and no longer goes drinking or to do drugs with strangers he thinks are “new friends” but only because he has learned the hard way. The police brought him home a couple of times when he was under the influence but not until he went to jail once for 4 days did he realize he was breaking the LAW. It was the best thing that could have happened to him. That was 8 years ago and he has not had any problems with alcohol, drugs or “new friends” since then. Being a concerned parent and not enabling are the hardest part of having a child with Asperger syndrome.

Comment by Becky Mitchell — April 16, 2009 @ 9:52 pm
I recently spent the weekend at the Gold Coast (Australia) with my sister in law, leaving my husband, 8yr old Aspie son, and 5yr old daughter at home.
After experiencing what goes on in the streets after dark with these kids (18yr olds, but still kids in my eyes)
I am now a terrified mother……
Terrified at what lies ahead in the future of us and that of our son.
The best that we can hope for , is that as parents, we have, and will continue to prepare him for the “real” world. The good, the bad AND the ugly.
Wish us luck!!!

Comment by Kelli Martin — April 20, 2009 @ 4:18 am