Aspergers and bereavement

Filed under:Other — posted by admin on February 10, 2009 @ 10:16 am

Hi there – It’s Tuesday so time for your weekly Aspergers article. It’s coming up below – but I just wanted to update you on the latest development for the new Aspergers website …

Some of you with keen memories may remember me mentioning that the software that I have bought for the new website has the ability to have a mini My Space or Facebook feature …

Well last week I uploaded that function and I am really excited by the potential of it. It will allow you as a parent to have your own page with as much (or as little) detail as you wish. You will also be able to send messages direct to other parents (and me!), have your own mini-blog, make “friends” with other parents, upload your own photos and much more …

I really think that it will be a huge benefit and much more effective than the blog for allowing real communication and support between people, and all being well it’ll be all ready to go in March. Anyway here’s this week’s article:

Question

We lost my father-in-law last year. My 12-year-old son with Asperger’s is totally devastated. It is not helped by the fact that he spends the time before school and after school at his Grandma’s house and is constantly reminded of Granddad’s absence by his empty chair. Due to the fact that I have to work full time, my sons have spent much of their time from Monday to Friday with their grandparents so it is like their second home – they even have their own bedrooms there! I am finding it very difficult to help him come to terms with Granddad’s death. I bought a book from the National Autistic Society but it doesn’t seem to be helping. He is OK most of the time, but will then fall into a black mood and will overreact to the slightest incident and go into a meltdown. Do you have any advice on what I can do to help him?

Answer
This is a sad and difficult situation for all of you. As you know, Asperger’s Syndrome is a neurobiological disorder. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have difficulties with social interaction and responses to social situations. With regard to the emotional aspects of death and grief, your son may react, as you have seen, by getting upset or angry. These reactions occur because he doesn’t fully understand what has happened and why it happened, and, due to his Asperger’s, doesn’t know how to ask for help in handling the death of his grandfather. Many people without Asperger’s react to a death with anger and despair, too.

Many children with Aspergers feel that if a beloved relative dies, a “rule” has been broken (i.e.; good people should not die) and they feel very hurt. So, when it happens, the child feels betrayed. This can lead to anger and outbursts. In addition, any unexpected event is particularly difficult. You son finds it hard to grieve and doesn’t know how to handle his feelings of despair and sadness. He may not be able to express his grief through tears or talking.

Even if your son can’t ask for help, it is definitely called for in this situation. Patience, understanding, and support on your part are required. Be sensitive to his need to talk if he exhibits one and don’t put up barriers to it, such as telling him he’s too young to understand what happened. If he doesn’t show a need to discuss the death, you should open a discussion anyway. It may be wise to ask a counsellor or psychologist to talk with him, too.

Children with Aspergers have average or higher levels of intelligence and will appreciate honest, simple explanations about death and grief. Explain that birth is the beginning of life and death is the end of life and that, when someone dies, we feel bad because we loved the person, didn’t want him to die, and we will miss him. Don’t tell him his grandfather “went to sleep,” “went away,” “got sick,” that only old people die, or that the death was “God’s will.” All of these are open to misinterpretations, such as “If I go to sleep when I’m sick, will I die?” Or, “Will God make me die?” At his age, your son is able to understand that death is irreversible and that he will die eventually, but he needs reassurance that he will most likely live a long time.

Some questions your son asks may seem insensitive, for example, “Are you going to die, Mom?” He may show curiosity about dead animals or ask about what happens physically to dead things. These questions may seem gruesome, but they are a way of learning about death. Children should not be made to feel guilty or embarrassed about their curiosity.

Your son may feel that the death of his grandfather, who was a good person, was unfair. This is the time to gently explain that many things that happen in life are not fair and that we should try to help each other cope when unfair things happen. Perhaps, discussing some nice things to do for his grandmother would help him feel needed. Many Aspies respond very well to being needed by others.

Your son will need a lot of time to accept this death and may react with anger at unexpected times. Be understanding. Time will help ease the pain. Use books to help him understand and provide a good model of acceptable behavior for him. Also, keeping a journal of his thoughts about his grandfather may help.

Until next week,

Dave Angel

comments (19)

19 comments »

Over the next 10 to 15 billion years Science will build Heaven, go around Relativistic curved space/time and upload everybody’s operating systems/souls including the Galilee Carpenter’s and give Him His well deserved Kingdom. Because we want to and can. No other reason is necessary. Because of Relativity the future is the past so Heaven and God already exist and has evolved to omnipresence and can be reached through prayer and will help anyone who wants to, to find Him for THEMSELVES. The minute that Neanderthal Person (probably a lady) dragged her dead loved one to the furthest, most protected area of their cave and covered him in flowers to fight the stench, from that moment the building of Heaven became unavoidable. We had decided to start doing something about death instead of accepting it. We Humans are so tenacious we used to hunt prey by running it to exhaustion. That same tenacity will take us to the stars, build Heaven, upload all Life, allow the Carpenter to have His Kingdom and make sure the Universe stays life bearing. The Anthropic Principles and the Gaia hypothesis are the same. Life keeps both Earth and the laws of the Universe life bearing). We Aspergians will have a lot to do with the physical building of Christ’s Kingdom but it takes Neurotypical social talent to reach out and bring People into it. I could never do what Billy Graham does. But I can prove what he does is worth doing.

Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — February 10, 2009 @ 10:54 am
This is quite a timely article. My father is in the hospital (for various reasons) and my mother has terminal cancer. We have 3 children, the 10-year old has Aspergers, the 8 year old lost her biological mother at 3 and we have a 2.5 year old. We are probably going to have to deal with death over the next few years and it is difficult in these situations.

Comment by Eli — February 10, 2009 @ 11:01 am
my son shows no emotion to my mom, my sister, my best friend passing on. we don’t have any idea what is going on in his head

Comment by wendy harris — February 10, 2009 @ 11:50 am
I am the mom of a recently diagnosed 11 year old aspie boy. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer last year. I am very worried about how my son will deal with her impending death. This article gave me some ideas, but I need more. He does not want to talk about her health at all. He refuses to even acknowledge that she is ill. It is not something I want to dwell on but I am worried that he will be un prepared for the emotions that will follow. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Comment by Wendy Paine — February 10, 2009 @ 12:27 pm
I have a 15 year old son with asperger’s. I have to be very careful about what he watches on tv because he takes everything so litterally. for example we live near memphis tennessee usa. on our local news just about everynight they report that someone has been shot. My son now thinks that if we go to memphis we are going to get shot. I have to start talking and reasuring him weeks before his doctor’s appointments. He does not have the huge meltdowns as he did when he was little, but he still has anxiety about going to memphis. May be your son is having some anxiety about his granddad’s death. Was his granddad sick? or did his death come all at once like froma heart attack? If his granddad did not look sick and just dropped dead one day maybe your son is thinking that he will do the same. I find it hard to understand what is going on in my son’s head and sometimes it is something that I would have never thought of in a million years that is bothering him. I hope this helped.

Comment by wendy hammons — February 10, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
I don’t know what religious beliefs you or your family may have, but what comforted me a great deal when my grandmother passed when I was about 5 years old was the idea that she (hopefully) “went to heaven”. I know such an idea, and the “baggage” that comes with religious belief may seem irrational in the modern world where “religion is the opiate of the people”, but there’s a reason people take mood-altering drugs. I say this as an extremely analytical Aspie who would probably have been a “Deist” rather than a “Theist” and likely even an unbeliever, if I hadn’t known people who’ve experienced the supernatural world in some way, and if I hadn’t encountered it myself.

Comment by Laura Brose — February 10, 2009 @ 2:07 pm
I have a 13 year old son who is an Aspy. Being Aspergers doesn’t define his whole personality, it is an aspect of it or filter through which he looks at life and responds to the outside world.
we are a Christian family that regularly goes to church, where many of life’s issues are discussed including death. As Christians we see death as a barrier we passed through or a river that we cross from this life into eternal life with God. We did not make God in how image at the end of a technologically advanced world with curved space time, God existed before time and he chose to make us in his image. Hence we are all aware of the existence of God. Knowing that there is an eternal lifewhere every tear is wiped away has been a tremendous comfort to my son David. Remember also that grieving is a process (they say there are about five stages) that you must go through, moving back and forth between the different stages. These include anger and denial, some bewilderment but finally acceptance. This takes time, a long-time and it needs to be worked through slowly and not rushed.

Comment by James Abbottsmith — February 10, 2009 @ 4:03 pm
This hits the spot…my son who is 13 just lost his Poppy who lived with us for 12 years. He basically raised my son. He was here for him in the morning and after school. My son has not talked about it a lot and sometimes I wondered if he even cared. But I think he just doesn’t know how to express his feelings or his loss.

He has gotten nasty and disrespectful which I had blamed on being a 13 year old (teen years) but it may also have to do with Poppy’s death. He is have a very difficult time now and his “so called” girlfriend at school broke up with him. So now I see even more depression.

Comment by janice rushen — February 10, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
I find simpilicty is best for our son. He is very smart and I respect his intellengence. Our son already understands God is our father and Jesus died on the cross and his blood washes away our sins so we too can go to heaven when we leave this world. Its peacefull and beautiful in heaven their is no pain or any more suffeering.
My son understands that when I die I am going to go to heavn and when he dies he will get to see me again. this seems simple but it is the truth and it makes death acceptable and logicacle to him. It also helps him with his choices as he understands Hell is reaal to. and he wants to go to heaven.

Comment by linda — February 11, 2009 @ 2:53 am
When we lost my dad very suddenly last year my sons behaviour became very hard to live with. He would lose control at the slightest thing. At the time he was permanently excluded from school and had just spent a week away with my dad and mum to give me a break prior to dads death. The counsellor that he was seeing at the Pupil Referral Unit was excellent and worked through some of his feelings with him. We have a strong faith in God too which I think helps. He is now happily settled at a fabulous boarding school with EXCELLENT special ed teachers and we have seen a HUGE improvement in his behaviour. Things do get easier for the children after they have lost someone they love, all it takes is time and lots of patience and of course heaps of LOVE.

Comment by Tina — February 11, 2009 @ 4:04 am
I had the opposite reaction with my son. When my mother died, I thought he would be devastated, since they were so close, but when I told him about her death, his only comment was “Now who´s going to make me my favorite food?). He hasn´t mentioned her since, and that was last July. I wish I knew what was going on in his head, so that I could know if everything is alright, but he doesn´t seem to be suffering. I

Comment by Esther — February 11, 2009 @ 10:39 am
In the passed two years my 13 year old High functioning asperger son has lost his beloved Nana my mom, his Grampa Dick, my husband’s father, and just recently, our most loved dog, Kirby. Because he was around his Nana alot, while she was in the process of dying, we accepted it as a gift when she passed quitely in her sleep, she was 85. both my children have seen the inside of many Nursing homes and retirement homes. This exposure has been a true blessing, as my kids really know about the circle of life, which also includes death.

Our son gets very emotional at times. And sometimes, he will just get sad and start to cry and say “I miss Nana,” or “I miss Kirby” Sometimes I will give him a big hug and say, “so do I” And sometimes, I will just let it go. Both my kids have read books about grieving, and because my mother also had alzheimers, they have read books about that too. My experience with my son is to let him grieve…..but not too much so that it overwhelms him. I just tell him that his Nana had a good long life, and is in a much better place now.. When Grampa Dick died, he said that “Now Nana has someone to dance with in Heaven.” And that was so true, as my father in law was a great dancer, as was my mom.

Comment by Sue Orr — February 11, 2009 @ 1:15 pm
Thankfully my son, who is 7, hasn’t had to deal with death yet, at least in the human experience. His teacher sent home a book the other day and in the story a bird dies. My son completely had a meltdown and refused to read the rest of the story. I kept the concept of life and death simple for him, but honestly his reaction shocked me and I don’t think I handled it the best way. This article and everyone’s comments has really given me an idea of how to better react.

Comment by Shannon — February 11, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
our daughter who is 17 now lost her grandmother last year ,we moved into the house her grandmother owned ,she tells them at school she lives in grandmas house! They thought she lived here with us ,7 yrs ago Feb 14 02 i lost my mother ,Gina became very depressed and acted out by blaming her teachers for mom’s death saying so brutly words ,calling names even hitting ,she was put on Lexapro for depression ,at that time she was 10 ,now 17 seems she draws comfort from living here in her other grandma’s house ,she also lost a nephew our grandbaby in 99 ,she was only 7 then ,she would tell me he was in her bed to cover him up ,she talks in words ,Dylan ,here ,cover! He stayed with her for over a year ,now even at birthday partys she’ll send him a balloon to heaven!SheenaScott

Comment by Sheena Scott — February 12, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
I am the mother of a 19 year old with Aspergers. My son has been suicidal and talking about suicide for over a year. He has been receiving psychological treatment since last year in the middle of his senior year of high school. Will has been threatening to kill himself if I were to die. He states he has no reason to live without me because I am the only one who truly understands and supports him. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions about how I can deal with this type of suicidal comment.

Comment by Susan Polich — February 12, 2009 @ 7:07 pm
Hi from Melbourne victoria.. a timely reminder of things all to close to home. I have received many questions from my 7yr old asp son regarding this week as we experience major fires, loss of life and homes, animals and communities. I suppose honest explanations and highlighting the positive survival stories have helped reduce the anxiety somewhat. we are still surrounded by smoke everyday but he is remarkedly calm and un believably he has had the best couple of days functioning at school he has ever had. I cant explain why. I remember asking him to try and do his best as mummy needed to not be worried about him while we were already worried about others. Can this be a logical response to something almost tangible at the moment? No idea but Wow is all I can say.

Comment by Andrea — February 13, 2009 @ 3:44 am
Personally, I am the parent of a 10 1/2 yo Aspie. Professionaly, I am a Thanantologist{Death and Dying}.
My son has also experienced the death of 2 grandparents,4 very close family friends and 2 cats. He has displayed many of the above mentioned behaviors. We have found three things that have been helpful to our family.
First, we try to be available emotionally when he reacts to his grief “out of the blue”. We cannot possibly predict when the wave of sadness will roll over his heart. So we try not to react to the surprise of these intense feelings, but be supportive and value his emotions.
Second, when discussing “why did they all have to die”, we did an exercise we call “What if no one died.” Our boy was able to come to the understanding of overcrowding the earth’s resources and those consquences. Recently, he is considering praying “that only his family and friends don’t die” so this is a work in progress;
Third, we have made a memory box for each loved one. They are filled with pictures, special mementos and other treasures. He is encouraged to take the box out to remember the good times when he is feeling sad about a deceased loved one, hopefully prior to a major meltdown.
I always advise families that honesty, at the appropriate developmental level, is the best way to lay a foundation that the Aspies can build upon as they develop their toolbox of Life Skills.

Comment by Bernadette — February 13, 2009 @ 4:05 pm
I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago, and while I know it’s not the same thing as losing an older loved one, I feel like I’m still waiting “for the other shoe to drop” with my 9 year old son. Thanks to all of your comments, I feel a little better prepared to deal with it, when (or if) the grief does come.

Comment by Christine — February 13, 2009 @ 6:49 pm
my mother in law , died 3 years ago and my 5 year old son, was only just two, he still asks these questions , and why my dad is not here constantly he will repetively tell the teacher or the bus driver on way to school thats his gran and grandad dad, now the bus driver says “that’s a shame ” are you ok ? he answers by saying, i cant find her , or him so when i do ill let you know, then asks why ? i say because god sent them to do a job down here and now their wings are ready to become angels , now there job is to look after us from above. He still questions this today, but now I have the problem where he no longer accepts this explanation and the conversation gets very deep. I wonder sometimes where he gathers his Ideas and knowledge, I do not know now how or what reasons I have to give him , but the truth as he gets older, at the moment we have photos and letters in memory boxes as the lady mentioned above , so now when he is sad he opens and talks to them . saying how he feels and kisses goodnight. To him they are still very much with us xxx good luck everyone xx

Comment by angela kay — February 25, 2009 @ 10:57 am