Aspergers and sexuality
Hi there it’s Dave Angel with this week’s blog article. But before that I just wanted to let you know that after a few weeks of summer time “slacking” the new Aspergers web project is beginning to take shape. I am sorting through all the different topic areas that people need to know more about.
Knowledge and information about existing services seems to be a huge gap for many parents right across the globe. So part of my current research is about compiling an up-to-date database of Aspergers professionals around the world. I’ll keep you posted as this progresses.
Now on to this week’s question which is
Question
I need help in teaching my daughter appropriate sexual behavior. She will be 16 in June, has Asperger’s, and acts out sexually. She feels this is what she is “supposed” to do when she likes a boy, and I just can’t get her to feel moral values.
Answer
A 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s Syndrome will have a fully developed female body, but it is unlikely that she will have a full understanding of adolescent sexuality. Depending on her exposure to popular media, she may have formulated an impression of sexuality from the licentious “celebrities” that have become well-known for their use of drugs and alcohol and their fickle, promiscuous sexual behaviour. Your daughter could very well believe that behaviours such as candid flirtation, physical sexual cues, sexual language, and sexual activity are what she, as you say, “is supposed to do when she likes a boy.” The media sends this message loud and clear!
Your daughter needs the advice of a professional counselor now as she is exhibiting behaviour that could lead to very severe consequences.
In addition to the negative effects of the media, teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome do not acquire “street smarts” when it comes to dating or sex. As a result, they are naïve and misinformed about sex.
Your daughter is an adolescent and she wants to develop an identity separate from yours. One aspect of this development is challenging your thoughts and beliefs. When this happens, many parents feel that they have to be friends with their children in order to keep calm in the home. In doing so, they abdicate their parental responsibility, and children suffer in the process. Your daughter still needs to have clearly defined rules while she is living in your home. You know the possible negative consequences of overtly sexual behavior, she does not. Impose specific rules on her; she shouldn’t be alone with boys or be dating, considering the situation.
She may not understand why you are imposing rules; you need to stress that they are for her benefit, now and in the future, and explain why in very specific terms (i.e.; to protect her from sexual diseases, HIV/AIDS, and pregnancy). She needs to understand not just what the consequences of sexual activity are, but what will happen if she gets a venereal disease, HIV/AIDS, or gets pregnant. This will be far more meaningful to her than vague advice about “morality.”
It is imperative that you teach your daughter about sex. She needs specific details about responsible sexual behavior and the consequences of reckless intimacy. Start with basic sex education and move on from there. Freely expressing her sexual feelings because she thinks it is the only way to be accepted and loved must be countered with facts about sexual consequences and information on more appropriate ways to be accepted by boys.
For further information on this subject, consider reading the book http://Asperger’s and Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond by Jerry and Mary Newport. This book was written by two adults who have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. They are a married couple, and their book provides information about young adults with Asperger’s and the issue of sexuality. The topics in this book include birth control, dating, disease prevention, sexuality, and taking personal responsibility for sexually related behaviour.
In addition to the above book, go online and read “Sexuality and Autism.” It is posted at http://autism.about.com/od/transitioncollegejobs/f/sexed.htm
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I am a 31 year old male with Apserger’s and I didn’t start having sex until I was 20, primarily because of a. the std issue being taught at school, and b. watching my stepfather write that child support check every month. No where in the picture was “morality” a concern, and to be frank I sometimes regret not being sexually active sooner. As I get older I also learned that a lot of the “rules” handed down to me for my “own good” where reflections of my parents morality and baggage imposed on me. My parents rule: no sex until marriage - did they follow that rule? lol. My grandpa’s advice? Put a rubber on it, do what you gotta do, but be safe about it. The article was right about teaching the consequences, and also about helping her interpret what boys really think about easy girls. But at 16 she’s probably more than ready.
Comment by Robert Pope — August 26, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
Thankyou Dave - that was excellent information. I have a son (14 yrs) and I will now be able to use your advice for him also. I was wondering how i was going to tackle that one. I really appreciate your emails - they are my only source of help, and at this stage - are more than enough for me to battle on.thankyou.
Comment by jude — August 26, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Thanks once again Dave. Our 25 yr. old son is very high functioning Asperger’s; and our 14 yr. old son has some similar (milder)traits. I had never thought of emphasizing “cold hard” facts with them - but I will now.
Comment by Jacalyn — August 26, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
Fortunately I was spared this. I read the entire Bible five times before I reached high school. That is what every Aspergian, indeed every Human being needs to do. I am 51 years old and quite proud to say I am still pure. I didn’t want to have kids and was aware of the fact birth control often fails, and so did what God wants people to do, control themselves. Its not like its hard and anyone who says its hard is fibbing.
Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — August 26, 2008 @ 7:35 pm
very good article! people with aspberger’s syndrome often want or need concrete information and facts in order to understand something. there are many great books, pamphlets, and sex-ed videos that teach kids about STDs, HIV, and pregnancy. I agree that birth control doesn’t always work — my 6yo is proof of that! a suggestion regarding appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior would be to teach the daughter an appropriate behavior to replace the inappropriate one, much as we do with other behaviors kids have. Just as with any child, monitor what she watches on TV and in movies (pre-screen any dvds she wants to rent for example, look at the ratings before allowing her to watch something that may be inappropriate). For some people it is actually hard to control one’s impulses if there is impulse control issues, OCD or compulsive behaviors. Another issue is low self-esteem or depression. Be aware of these issues, and work on those first — build her self esteem and self-worth and teach her that her sexuality is not the same as self worth — having sex will feel good in the moment but how will she feel the morning after?
Comment by erica — August 26, 2008 @ 7:56 pm
Sexuality is really important here. As a now 45 yo woman with two boys with profound AS I realise that I am “on the spectrum” too. I look back at my early sexual experiences and all the features are there, tunnel vision, inability to see the context of the behaviour, high physical drive, acting up and flirting with any male. Boy I’m glad I got through unscathed. They were heady times in high risk situations. What I have done with my teens is very up-front risk management. How to explore sex without huge and adverse consequences. My then 16yo girl chose to have a contraceptive implant instead of relying on her non-existant organisational skills. She has a steady boyfiend and we overtly support the use of condoms. We stress fidelity to one partner and loyalty to herself. And nothing bad has happend. Stay strong and be the best parent you can be!
Comment by Jane — August 26, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
Oh this is an area all parents have some trouble with not just when we have aspergers kiddos. It is not always an easy talk to have. It is very important to be very specific about what is appropriate and what is not. You can not pretend that they are going to avoid the opposite sex forever. When things come up in the media or conversations come up about what was said at school ( without getting excited) discuss calmly what was unappropriate about what was said or done. Give examples such as “when someone says this, the other person thinks that.” Give examples (specific) of appropriate things they can say and can do ( and don’t make them sound like a grandma or they won’t use your advice!). Use lots of examples. Be very specific about sex education and what different terms and slang mean. Be sure to include many “scripts” of what they can say and do so they will have that information to rely on before the time comes.
Comment by cathy whittington — August 27, 2008 @ 4:09 am
I think it is important to understand that AS kids aren’t blind and the influence of kids that don’t have AS is very simular if you just look around at any school. This is the age when it hits them in the face…communication, no matter who the child is will help them see through all the stimulus that TV, Movies and other teens provide.
Comment by Connie Drum — August 27, 2008 @ 9:21 am
I have to say again what a great topic and great posts! Many different points of views and perspectives, great idea about the scripts as well! and like someone here said not just for aspberger’s or AS kids! I also can relate to having 2 kids on the spectrum and realizing I probably am as well — I was very socially awkward as a kid/teen — still am, OCD on some things and dx as ADD as a child/teen — very smart on somethings totally inept at others. its amazing now looking back and seeing things for what they seemed at the time and what they were. I wish I was diagnosed early on like my kids are — would have saved me alot of heartache! labels aren’t necessarily a bad thing, because if you know what the problems are you can work to make them better or easier — its when we are oblivious that things can happen that arent so positive — with any person or child. recognize, celebrate and embrace our differences and challenges and enjoy life
Comment by erica — August 27, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
I’m a nurse and mother of a 13 yr. old son. I found the book Asperger’s Sexuality Puberty and Beyond at the local library. I read it first, then I gave it to my son to read. When he had finished, we discussed everything from each chapter and had a very frank talk about all that WE had learned. He said that it helped him to know that others had the same scary feelings as he does, and now he is better able to understand how to deal with some situations that have already come up. Talking about sex with any child if difficult, but we learned about this together.
Comment by jo walker — August 27, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
I agree with cathy whitington, talking to kds, with AS or not, keeping the lines of communication open. Our church has a program called OWL Our Whole Lives. It is a spiritually based sex ed program…check it out on the web.www.ourwholelives.com or google it. My 13 year old high functioning AS boy and I can talk about anything. He totally does not get appropriateness yet, but I would rather he talk to me about “things” than someone else.
Comment by Sue Orr — August 28, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
I’m glad to see this topic addressed in regard to AS!! It’s not mentioned in a lot of the materials I have found so far.
Last fall my 13-year-old son was referred to a clinical psychologist for a sexual risk evaluation because he was acting very sexual, no matter where we were. During the early stages of the eval is when this new doctor asked me if Shawn had ever been diagnosed with Asperger’s… which led to a full PDD eval. Since we have changed our way of dealing with behaviors and using a different perspective, the sexual “acting out” has almost completely stopped. No, he still does not understand boundaries and appropriate behaviors but we work on that daily at home. Shawn attends a social skills group we were lucky enough to find 15 minutes from our NY home in Warren PA. It gives him a safe place to mingle with kids like himself, and they go out into the community for fun activities with supervision. They will be starting up again this fall with more structure and possibly more frequent than monthly.
Without that initial referral for sexual risk, we still would not have this long-awaited, accurate diagnosis of Asperger’s. It is definitely the biggest piece of the puzzle to date and sheds new light onto questions we’ve been asking since age 2.
rondawhitford@yahoo.com
Comment by Ronda — August 28, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
My 12 3/4 grandson came home from his mothers (he lives with us) and said “where abouts does the baby come out? Does it come out of the bottom?” I said, “The female has three holes, one for urine, one for the sexual act and for babies to come out and the third for faeces. Why do you want to know?” He said, “because my sister and her friend (15 years) have been acting out having a baby.” I said to him I have some good books which are quick and easy to read “What’s happening to me?” by Peter Mayle and “Where Did I come From?” (same author). I was reading at the time and I asked him to let me know if there was anything he did not understand. I heard a few “Gross” and after half an hour he said he had read them. I then went on to him about respect and being able to have money enough to support a partner and family and that it was against the law under 16 years. I also said that there were lots of diseases one can get if they are have sexual relations with someone who has been infected if she or he has had several partners. We have had a lot of flack coming from the school of his funny behaviours. i.e. dancing round the bus pole, bunny ears behind a boy while he was urinating, not giving people their space but standing very close to them. The pediatrician says he believes he has aspergers but the school does not believe or really care but that he has to conform to standards of other children. The fact is if he has a good teacher he seems to fit in and if he has a teacher who finds his manners and behaviour gross he has a hard time at school. He now has a one on one with a special teacher one hour a week for two months. She will give a report when she has finished the two months. We are in a court case at the moment as his mother wants him living with her and his three half sisters but he wants to stay with us where he has resided for 9 out of his l2 years. He has no trouble talking and interacting with adults but has trouble with some children but his indoor basketball and softball helps even though his running is not the best he gets his goals and can hit the ball with the bat.
Comment by Lillian Carde — August 28, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
Thank You for addressing this issue and thank you for all the comments. I now have my daughter on birth control. She is also on Prozac and Seroquel, which they say can help her control her impulsive, obsessive behaviour. She will also be starting a social skills group at the end of the month, where they will address these issues also. Thanks again for keeping this site going.
Comment by vicky tuttle — September 1, 2008 @ 8:42 am
I wish I knew about this information at least 2 years ago it would of saved a lot of heart ache and arguements in my house with my now 18yr old daughter and my 17yr old son!! I also have a 10yr old and I am trying to keep abreast of as much information as I can find. All my 3 have Autism to different degrees but youngest’s diagnosis is the most severe out of all of them. Hopefully I can avoid him going the same way as his older siblings.
Comment by Hilary — September 1, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
What about homo sexuality? I have raed a book in UK about a guy with a high funtioning autism and has a male partner? My son seems Hetro now he has a female friend at 13 and 3/4 but its around a lot how do you explain it ? I have good friend who is a lesbian and worry he will see it in black and white -good and bad… I am in UK does it mean I see things differently here could be??? Could he?
Comment by Anne-Marie Taylor — September 2, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
my 12 year old son has always marched to the beat of his own drum. he has not been diagnosed, but with his physician’s help we have gone thru all the criteria and fits the bill. we don’t care about a label, only to help our son. we had to pull him from public school and are fortunate there is a small private school in our town that serves children with add, adhd, apd, asperger’s.. i love reading the columns. they are acurate and to the point. my son does not show interest in any sexual behavior yet, but i’m glad i read the posting… being upfront and giving him facts will sure go much further than lecturing about morals with him. thank you so much for all the work you do!!!
Comment by christl bragan — September 4, 2008 @ 9:56 pm