Aspergers and socially acceptable behavior

Filed under:Aspergers Behavior — posted by admin on August 19, 2008 @ 4:27 pm

Hi everyone here’s this weeks blog article which focuses on the following question I was asked:

“I have a ten-year-old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome who is high functioning. We are consistent with making him aware of what is socially unacceptable and why. It seems to go in one ear and out the other though. For instance, at meal time we always tell him to eat with his mouth closed. He will do as we say for 20 seconds and then he’s right back to chewing with his mouth open. We have sent him to eat in the other room, or we take away dessert if he continues after the fourth prompt. We have had no success for the past 2 years! Do you have any ideas or do you think that it’s something he can’t help?”

Answer

This can be a “Catch-22” situation because, even though you want your son’s behavior to change in a positive manner, it might become more resistant or rigid if he is confronted or forced to behave in a manner that he finds disagreeable. This can become a long-term power struggle that can lead to your frustration and his feelings of failure.

In this case, giving your son rewards might have better results than imposing punishment. One possible solution would be “fun money” for your son. You can make or purchase “fun” (fake) money for your son to use when he behaves in a socially acceptable manner. The money can be spent for privileges, such as time spent with a video game, or other activities he enjoys. This money can be made from ordinary paper, or it can be purchased from the Lakeshore Company at www.lakeshorelearning.com Type in the words “Paper Money” when you are on this website. If your son behaves in an unacceptable manner, you can impose a financial penalty, and your son has to give a portion of the money back to you. However, if he has to give too much back, he might never earn the reward, so reserve the “fines” for very serious transgressions of the rules.

An effective economic-reward system is based on consistency in enforcing it and keeping the list of rewards/penalties attainable and short. Start this system with just one goal to earn reward and increase the goals as he gets a feel for how it works. Try using one standard-size piece of paper and list the rewards on the left-hand side and the penalties on the right-hand side. Your son will be able to comprehend this list without it overwhelming him. This way, when he is rewarded or punished, he will know that there are limits being set and he has a degree of control over how much he will receive or forfeit. Your son will feel a sense of empowerment with this system, and it will allow him to make choices; he will learn from both.

A structured reward system works well with Asperger’s children because they do extremely well with structure, consistency, and clarity. When there is no structure, the Asperger’s child feels that chaos is controlling his life. A reward system maintains structure for your son, and it eliminates chaos from his life.

Structure, consistency, and clarity will give your son a sense of mastery over his environment. Whether you incorporate the solution proposed above or one that you obtain elsewhere, you will be integrating predictability into your son’s life, and this leads to his being able to rely upon you as being supportive and fair in his upbringing. Children without Asperger’s Syndrome and within your son’s age range are coping with the beginning of adolescence. Children like your son are coping with the same thing, except they find that they have to deal with the Asperger’s diagnosis in addition to everything else.

You need to make sure that the consistency that we stress here is maintained for your son’s benefit. Do not let your feelings and emotions take precedence because of the stress that accompanies any child-discipline procedure. Stay calm and let him choose to earn reward or pay fines. Also, be willing and available to discuss discipline with your son; it’s important regardless of any diagnosis that your son has. Above all, be truthful and sincere; your son will know that you love him and care about his well being.

Take Care

Dave Angel

comments (24)

24 comments »

Hi Everyone!
My Heart goes out to all of you!!
The summer is finally over for me and my grandson. My grandson returned home and I at least have some relief while most of the parents do not.
My grandson is an exceptionally intelligent 4 year old, but his asperger associated actions nearly drove me crazy over the last few months!
I somehow figured out the reward system, Dave, and yes it was the only the that really worked for us.
I tried to answer the question someone else presented, “Do children with Asperger’s really know right from wrong?” For the life of me, I just couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t know if I should discipline him or simply hug him sometimes. It was almost as if he had a split personality. He actually showed remorse when he did things I had told him NOT to do earlier. But it was almost as if he had not heard me initially. I somehow wonder if he simply blanks out sometimes, and this over active, destructive little boy comes out. Otherwise at other times he is an absolutely sensitive, caring and cooperative child who really earnestly wants to do the right thing.
Thanks for all the advice. Trust me it , it is definitely a neccesity for anyone dealing with our situation!
Comment by Kathy — August 19, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
I have a question: I’ve been hearing a lot about helicopter parenting and this term has been used against me by the school system. I am very involved with my child’s education b/c he has very limited organizational skills, executive functioning skills and memory problems. The school does not recognize these deficits. I am always trying to save the day. I have tried to step back to have him fail and I truly do not believe that allowing him to fail is going to force him into becoming a better student. What would you say to parents who feel guilty about this and what advise would you give them or us so that we will know when to let go.
Comment by Sheila Pecot — August 19, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Be sure, though, that the young man is able to breath through his nose while eating. Sometimes kids chew with their mouths open so they can eat and breathe!
Comment by Sherry Thorn — August 19, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
I was always being scolded for chewing with my mouth open too. I still get that. But what few want to believe due to my poor social skills is I HAVE to chew with my mouth open, because I have to breath! And I can’t do that with my mouth shut due to sinus problems and a very narrow nose. Anyone consider this possibility with this young man?
Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — August 19, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
HI,
Consistency and patience truly are the key factors. I use the reward system myself as I get great results over time with it. I relax somewhat at setting fines, penalties or punshiments. I like to pick my battles. Children in the autism spectrum march to a much different beat than you and I. I have to repeat things over and over for some time before my son grasps it. We take on one task at a time but once he learns it I throw in lots of praise, not just at that moment but for several days before we move on to something else. I like to build on and praise the things he does best and try not worry about how society reacts or responds. Most people have no idea about what you have to deal with each and every day when you have a child in the autism spectrum. I just love my son for who he is and try to see what he sees thru his eyes. I believe that I am a better person for it. Kids truly are a blessing, build on their strengths and their weaknesses will improve but it does take lots of time, patience, love and understanding.
Comment by Cathy OCarroll — August 19, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
My twelve year old is also high functioning, and we also have the problem with not only eating with his mouth open but many other things. We seem to be consantly telling him things over and over again (often in a half hour time frame!). He is alo a type 1 diabetic, so trying to get him to look after the management of his diabetes when we are not there is very repetative as well as worrying. We have tried a ‘reward’ system and it worked for a while until he lost interest. When I would mention the reward he would get for good behaviour, he would just shrug his shoulders in a uninterested gesture. I am trying to find other avenues to help him remember to use acceptable social behaviours. I also know a boy (non-Aspergers) who has to eat with his mouth open due to nasal/sinus problems, however, you can tell with the sound of his breathing that this is the problem.
Comment by Lisa Binns — August 19, 2008 @ 10:43 pm
i play a game with my children and ask them to eat like a cow with your mouth closed not like a pig, i know it is out there but it works. it is a game and we can have fun and they chew with their mouh closed. creativiy works with these chrildren not always the normal processes
Comment by Karol — August 19, 2008 @ 11:57 pm
I’ve had a similar problem with my 17 year old son, Not only is the mouth open, but he also makes a noise. Since his recent tonsil and adnoid removal, however, the noise has quieted a lot. He still wolfs the food down as fast as possible. I simply remind him from time to time that peers are offended of the noises and abrupt eating and to slow down. And I also have always used positive reinforcements.
Comment by Christine Carley — August 20, 2008 @ 1:00 am
My son age 7 who has asbergers and my brother 24 who doesnt have asbergers both eat with their mouth open. I agree with the comment from elizabeth as both my son and brother have nasal problems and when it comes to eating neither of them have a choice they have to eat with their mouth open as they are unable to breath through their nose it seems to be continuosly blocked and so far having adenoids out and various medications incuding nasal sprays have not helped this. You may want to check that the child is capable of eating with their mouth closed before using the reward system or it will turn into complete chaos as 1 of my babysitters found out.
Comment by Amanda Roberts — August 20, 2008 @ 2:42 am
I noticed my grandson doing strange things with food when I looked after him and his sister recently. He was chewing and chewing and chewing the apple until it was a big mess that he could not swallow…. the same with banana so eventually you just had to let him spit it all out. He does have a constant snuffly nose and cough. His Father has (at that time) had nose and throat surgery. So infact I was looking after 3 children!!!! (Dad has Apergers too…undiagnosed but agrees that he has it) My grandsons diet is dreadful at the best of times so having to spit all the food out because he couldn’t swallow it left him hungry and wanting Weetbix before bed. My daughter copes pretty well considering.
Georgie
Comment by Georgie FROGLEY — August 20, 2008 @ 4:55 am
I agree that using positive reinforcement works better than punishment with these kids…it always worked better with our son, who has AS. I believe that letting them help in drawing up the rewards/penalties sheet helps them to feel they have some control in each situation. Try not to leave any room for negotiation once it’s drawn up like Dave said, make it clear (and simple), because with AS children who have high intelligence (my son), they like to argue a point; some others may be more compliant. I agree that creativity is valuable with these kids.
Comment by Val McLean — August 20, 2008 @ 10:21 am
Chewing with mouth open not too bad in our house but if anyone has tips or encouraging success stories about kids wolfing down food like they won’t get a meal for another week… We have tried having him put down his fork between bites, counting to 10, and not allowing food between meal and snack times. The battle starts in the morning and doesn’t end all day. I often find snack wrappers in his bedroom.
Regarding the money system, we just started a token system (poker chips instead of funny money) about 4 weeks ago for our 13-year-old son. It’s been well received. There is a list of positive behaviors and a list of rewards he can buy with his tokens. If he does the positive behavior without being asked, he gets 3 chips; if I have to ask, he gets 2 chips; if I need to remind him, he gets 1 chip; and if he doesn’t do anything he gets no chips. He has to buy things like one-half hour of TV time is 5 tokens, he can borrow his dad’s toolbox for 10 tokens, convert tokens to money for treats at the store, etc. When he has emptied out his jar and wants to have a reward, he gets real creative and cooperative when mom says “no tokens, no rewards”. I’ve been very liberal with awarding tokens and have not started taking tokens for negative behaviors yet. I want him to continue feeling successful for a while yet. Will probably change the behavior list next month to keep things fresh. Does anyone have creative suggestions using a token system like this with an adolescent?
Thanks, Ronda
rondawhitford@yahoo.com
Comment by Ronda — August 20, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
We also have a ten year old with Aspergers who chews with his mouth open. He also takes an hour or more to eat a meal having to feel and touch each bite. I am going to try the reward system and see if it helps. Thanks for the tips.
Comment by Lee N. — August 20, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
Eating with mouth open is not a problem, but eating constantly(esp. in evening) is the problem. If we say “no” a tantum & screaming follow. Grandaughter only does this at night after dinner. Hiw shoiuld we attempt to control this constant grazing
Comment by Dorothy Craft — August 20, 2008 @ 11:07 pm
I agree with Ronda on the thought of not taking back tokens for bad behavior. I would think that in the concrete thinking that my son would wonder why I could take back something that he earned? It would be his and not mine to take back. He is very concrete as many Aspergers are. I mean…..can the college take back my degree after i have earned it? Or my high school diploma? I know there are things that can be taken back, but in their world I tend to lean towards not taking back things they have EARNED.
Kim
Comment by kim — August 21, 2008 @ 10:59 am
Wow thanks for the many suggestions. We are just learning this syndrome and as grands raising a asperger child are methods of raising kids are almost medieval. These tips are great helps. Thanks.
Comment by Claudia Worth — August 21, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
Keep in mind that alot of “us” dont get the fact that chewing with your mouth open is “bad manners” (god who makes this crap up?) Like the first comment, I have to BREATHE! It’s like punishing a bedwetter for peeing the bed when they are asleep and dont even know they are doing it! Dont punish a kid for not living up to “society’s standards.” So the kid cant chew with his mouth closed, Im 30 and still dont understand that rule, its stupid. If that is the worst thing about the kid your doing really good. Let people be themselves.
Comment by Jayson Lee — August 23, 2008 @ 11:31 am
Thanks for all those ideas. We have a battle at mealtimes eating with the mouth open. It doesn’t rattle me so much but my husband is always going on about manners. Sometimes I feel the telling off is harder to handle than just getting on with eating. There have been some good ideas spoken and I thank you.
Comment by Lillian Carde — August 24, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
We have problems with our 8 year old at meal times – but for different reasons. He is very a picky eater. Short of force feeding him I don’t know what to do – I am just grateful when I see him eat something.
Tried positive re-inforcement and he loves it at first but gets bored with it after a while. He is so very well behaved generally. The only problem we have is when he is faced with social interaction with other kids his own age. He bahaves inappropriately.
Comment by Jacqui Lowe — August 25, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
Does anyone already have a chart with sugestions and rewards made up that I could get some ideas from I have a 7 year old grendson we are raising and I need all the sugestions of charts I can get.Thank You very much.
Comment by Nickie Black — August 25, 2008 @ 11:31 pm
I agree with Elizabeth. It may very well be a sinus problem other than just bad manners. My 13 year old son with Asperges chews with his mouth open, and I used to get so frustrated when he would continue to do it, even after I explained it wasn’t proper table manners. He finaly said, “Mom, I can’t breath if I don’t chew with my mouth open”. It never occured to me that it could be some thing physical, I just thought it was defiant behavior! So I took him to our family doctor who put him on percription allergy medication and over the counter decongestant. What a difference it makes! Something for you to consider anyway. Good luck.
Comment by Nena Swan — August 27, 2008 @ 10:48 am
This is my 3rd child with Aspergers and the most severe. When he chews with his mouth open this is not very nice to watch or listen to. So if it gets too much I just look at him and if he chews with his mouth shut for a little while then fine I know he has tried.
Yes I know it is very annoying for others but I don’t ask for perfection anymore just a compromise from my kids. If any one objects we apologise and explain their diagnosis and that he can’t eat any other way.
My 17 yr old eats like it is his ‘last meal’ and I can assure you its not because he still eats between meals as well.
Comment by Hilary — September 3, 2008 @ 11:07 am
I think the term ‘taking back’ is a miss use of words. It should be labeled ‘paying a fine’. You’re not taking back anything, he (she) is paying a fine for breaking the rules just as you would have to do for say speeding.
Comment by Sandy Glenn — January 11, 2010 @ 2:14 pm
What comes to my mind to try is this (ya’ gotta’ think outside the box, with details):
Get some mirrors (like the ones in the camping dept. at Wal-mart, good-n-cheap-n-just right)for your son and possibly others in the family. Improve every one’s table manners and eating habits rather than always singling out the ‘Aspie’. Truly, we all have room for improvement. Have mirrors at the table to observe yourselves while you eat and demonstate your progress. I know this may sound hooky to some but doing creative stuff like this has helped my son accept help and therefore be proud to own it as his. Blessings!
Comment by Kathy Perilloux — January 23, 2010 @ 11:11 am