Question

I would like to know how to deal with sibling rivalry, when you have an Asperger child who never wants to be bothered with his or her siblings.

Answer

Family life can be difficult for children with Asperger’s.  Siblings may also struggle due to the inconsistencies found in the child with Asperger’s.   The lack of social attention, coupled with the extra attention from mom and dad can cause some serious family dysfunction.  Here are a few of the common misconceptions by siblings of children with Asperger’s.

* The child with Asperger’s does not look any different.  Siblings may struggle to understand how this unseen condition can be so bad.

* The child with Asperger’s is a bad kid who gets away with bad behavior.  Siblings may not understand the frustration, stress, anxiety, and depression that can come with Asperger’s Syndrome.

*  The child with Asperger’s behaves strangely around the siblings’ friends, causing embarrassment.  Siblings may not understand the sensory issues, motor skills weaknesses, and lack of social skills that affect their sibling with Aspergers.

* The child with Asperger’s gets all the attention and love.  Siblings may not see that the attention given to this child is necessary for his safety and development.

Parents should enlist the whole family to help the child with Asperger’s.  Siblings can play a valuable role in the developmental growth of the child with Asperger’s.  “Siblings of Children With Autism: A Guide for Families,” By Sandra L. Harris, Ph.D, is a guide that covers all aspects of how Autism affects the entire family.    It tackles tough subjects like sibling rivalry and good family communication.  Here are some other things siblings can do to help.

* Embrace the child’s differences, accepting him for who he is.  Let him become a part of the group whenever he attempts, even if his behavior may be embarrassing.

* Help with therapy goals and social interactions.  Explain to his siblings the reasons why he avoids contact.  Share his therapy assignments and have each sibling help with a particular goal. 

* Understand that sometimes the child will need extra attention from the parents. 

* Help teach basic self-care and living skills by assisting him with his chores.  Have the siblings show him how certain chores are done and explain why they are so important.

Parents can easily become overly focused on the child with Asperger’s.  Siblings need the attention of their parents, too.  Find ways to spend time with each child separately.  If necessary, check within your community for disability support groups and respite care services.  A well-balanced family life will make things better for everyone.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Question

How can I help my neurotypical children to understand their brother with Aspergers?

Answer

Neurotypical children can have a difficult time understanding their brother with Asperger’s Syndrome.  He seems smart, uses big words that are hard to comprehend, avoids hanging out with the family, and focuses all of his being on his special interest.  In many ways, he is a stranger.  He does not appear to be disabled; he just seems quirky and embarrassing.

Depending on the age of your neurotypical children, there are different approaches for this type of situation.  If you have young children, you might choose to read them a story like “Everybody is Different – A Book for Young People Who Have Brothers or Sisters with Autism,” by Fiona Bleach.  This book explains Asperger’s Syndrome and answers the questions that siblings tend to have.

Older children may need family pep talks and counseling to help them understand and cope with their brother’s condition.

Here are a few things you can do to create understanding for your neurotypical children.

*    Explain the condition to your children.  Give each child an opportunity to ask questions and make suggestions suitable for your family dynamics.  Present Asperger’s Syndrome as an obstacle to be tackled by the entire family.  This will increase understanding and unity.

*    Talk about your son’s embarrassing characteristics and how your family can make things better.  No child wants to be embarrassed by a sibling in front of his or her friends.  Give your neurotypical children the information they need so they know that your son’s behavior is not personal and is not just bad behavior.  Encourage them to dismiss this embarrassing behavior in the presence of friends while explaining his condition.  This will bring about awareness and acceptance in your family’s community circle.

*    Encourage acceptance of your son and Asperger’s Syndrome.  As mentioned above, siblings who dismiss awkward behavior and accept their brother will gain acceptance for your family.

*    Celebrate your son’s strengths.  Your son is an intelligent individual with many strengths.  Recognize these strengths as a family.

*    Allow your neurotypical children to help your son with therapy his homework.  Nearly all therapies can be worked on at home for greater progress.  Enlist the entire family and multiply your son’s social interaction and progress on therapy goals.

*    Autism support groups offer siblings a chance to build friendships with other children living with a sibling with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.

*    Family counseling and individual counseling can help your neurotypical children learn to cope with the differences caused by Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel