I’d like to share with you some great insights that I learned from a recent interview that I carried out with Amalia Starr. Amalia is from Sierra Madre, Los Angeles, California, and has an adult son with Aspergers Syndrome. She is an autism motivational speaker, independent living coach and published author. A lot of her work involves helping people on the autistic spectrum to live independently. This comes from the successful job she has done herself working with Brandon to live independently. And so here’s some of the great insights that she shared about independent living:

Kids look to parents (so be positive) – It is so important that you have the right mental approach and focus as parents for your child with Aspergers. This relates to many areas of life, and not just independent living. But in this example if you project an image of worry and concern at the mere mention of your child taking steps towards independence – then how do you think it affects them? Of course it will start to give them the same negative emotions and they will immediately begin to relate to independent living as something too hard, scary and maybe even impossible. So a positive attitude is just so important as a parent in order to help your child. Because children are so in-tune with what we say and what we do, and are hugely influenced by us.

Let Them Grow – In a continuation of the above point it is so important to allow your child to grow. Now all parents want to wrap their children in cotton wool at some point or another. If you have a child with Aspergers (and they have likely had some negative experiences in their life already) then the temptation to do this is often even bigger. But you can’t do it! Children need the chance to have new experiences and take risks. It’s through doing this that they grow and develop as individuals. Otherwise their life will be just too sheltered and not have the defining experiences that they deserve. And it is through these situations that we really experience living life.

Let them learn their own lessons – Part of taking risks and going into new experiences is coming up against things that can be challenging. And at times this means coming across things that go wrong. This is actually a good thing. Because for all of us; we learn the most from tricky situations. Annd your child with Aspergers is no exception.  And they will learn the lessons when they come across them (even if some times it may take a couple of attempts). One example that Amalia gave me was that in a phone conversation with her son one night he said “you know mum there’s a lot of strange people out on the streets at 3am here in Los Angeles, I don’t think I’ll go out at the time again!” Now Amalia said that it was difficult to hear this; because of the obvious risks that Brandon had put himself in by being out alone at 3am. However it was clearly a lesson quickly learned and as far as Amalia knows he has never been out in the early hours since.

Take time out and you have more to give – In order to be the parent that you want to be, you have to take some time for yourself. No matter how dedicated you are to your child – if you keep just giving and giving it’s going to take its toll. You need the opportunity to do things for yourself from time to time – in order to “replenish your tank”. Otherwise if you just give, give, give your tank will run empty and you will find it even harder to achieve what you want as a parent. Now sometimes this can take a great deal of creativity to get the child care/baby sitter that you need – but in most cases it can be done somehow (even just to have an hour or two to escape to the bath and read your favourite book, or go out for a nice, peaceful walk).

I hope that these pointers have been helpful. You can contact Amalia direct at her own website – http://www.amaliastarrspeakerautism.com/

My full hour long interview with Amalia is accessible for members of Parenting Plus where she also reveals…

* When to start preparing your child for independent living…

* Her own moving story of raising her son (Brandon) to become independent

*The biggest mistakes made by parents when it comes to independent living

*How to handle child living away from home (because that’s not easy)

* The biggest problems for your (adult) children when living independently

* How to help prepare your child to move away to university

* And Much More Too

To find out more go to => http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/1247.cfm

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Developing independent living skills is essential for an adolescent.  Asperger’s Syndrome increases the need for the conscious teaching of independence.  Even though the most basic living and social skills may come naturally, many young people with Asperger’s will require strict guidance while becoming proficient in these much needed skills. 

There are several therapies that are geared to helping an adolescent with Asperger’s Syndrome on many levels.  Independent living skills are included.  Social skills training and/or classes will definitely touch on some of these skills, especially the ones that involve social interactions.  For example, personal hygiene and two-way conversation are two skills that are necessary for good social interaction, as well as for independent living. 

However, teaching independent living skills to an adolescent with Asperger’s can be managed very well in the home setting.  You can find books, workbooks, and full curriculum guides for independent living skills geared towards adolescents and young adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These books can be used successfully at home with some effort and teamwork between parent and child.  In the case of a young adult, many of these resources are self-teaching and can be used individually.  “Asperger Syndrome: An Owner’s Manual 2 For Older Adolescents and Adults: What You, Your Parents and Friends, and Your Employer, Need to Know”, Ellen S. Heller Korin, M.Ed.,  is a workbook format for teaching about relationships, living skills, employment, and much more.   

In addition to using a written guide, there are a few simple things that parents can do for their adolescent with Asperger’s.  All of the following suggestions are easy to incorporate into everyday life, making learning independent living skills an uncomplicated practice.

* Practice the basic skills with your adolescent at every opportunity.  Repetition is one of the best ways to teach skills to kids with Asperger’s.

* Living by the rules is most desirable for kids with Asperger’s.  Incorporate these living skills into your house rules.  Chores, personal hygiene, handling money, and other basic skills should be included in daily and/or weekly rules.

* Written lists, schedules, daily plans make it easier for your adolescent to learn basic skills.  Visual aids are very helpful and can help your child learn those house rules.  Organizational skills are also important, so these daily, weekly, and monthly written schedules can help your adolescent get a better grasp on time management while he is practicing those basic living skills.

Independent living skills can be successfully taught to adolescents with Asperger’s Syndrome.  With your help, your adolescent will learn these necessary skills and will be ready for true independence as he reaches adulthood.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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Mainstream school is not meeting my boy’s needs (he has Aspergers). His main needs are not understanding the problem in class and not believing he could achieve more– help!

Sometimes it is very difficult to figure out the exact problems that are holding back children with Asperger’s Syndrome. It is important to know your child well so you can be the advocate he needs in his educational corner. Now that you have discovered your son’s true weaknesses, you can approach his school personnel with your concerns…

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/557.cfm

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My son is 14 and has Asperger’s. His main means of survival is lying. I can’t tell when he is telling the truth or not. Did he eat breakfast? Does he have lunch? Did he use soap in the shower? Did he do his homework? What do you recommend?

It is often said that kids with Asperger’s cannot tell lies. The truth is, they can learn, as you well know. Asperger’s Syndrome is a spectrum, and while children with Asperger’s will have the same basic characteristics, they are unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome struggle with social communication, causing them to be very rigid thinkers. For instance, rules are rules, no exceptions. The thought of stating a falsehood does not come naturally…

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/556.cfm

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How can I motivate my boy with Aspergers to go out?

Sometimes it is more comforting to stay home. Home is a safe place where all of your son’s favorite things are. The people who love him are there and they accept him for who he is. When you look at it from his perspective, you can easily see why he prefers to stay in. He will not have to try to find his place among his peers if he hides out at home…

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/555.cfm

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Hello and welcome to this week’s Aspergers blog post which looks at gaining life skills. Here’s the article:

Question

How do I help my son with Aspergers to gain the appropriate life skills so that he will someday be able to support himself as independently as possible?

Answer

There is nothing quite like the joy felt as you watch your baby grow from a tiny, helpless infant to a big, strapping, independent man.  Ah, success-you’ve accomplished the job set before you.  Sometimes, however, the journey is difficult, filled with obstacles of all kinds.  Asperger’s Syndrome can be an obstacle, but not one that is too big to manage.

You’ve been with him through the struggles of making friends, keeping friends, sensory issues, obsessions, and his reluctance to change.   You’ve taught him ways to overcome the weaknesses on some level and enhance the positives as much as possible; there are positives to Asperger’s, as you well know.  Over the years you’ve read and wrote social stories and scripts to help him work through situations like dating and sports.  And when you couldn’t figure out a way to help him, you fought for support or therapy from the school system or the medical community.

The most important change you’ll have to make now is switching control over to him.  It is time to allow him to become more involved in the process. Let him know that you will be available for him, but help him see that he will be capable of taking care of himself without your constant supervision.  It’s time to form a plan.

Contact your local Autism support organization and ask for suggestions for life skills classes, social skills classes, and financial planning assistance.  Some groups may call these services transitional skills.  Your son can learn skills like managing housework, finding a job, learning to develop relationships with other adults in his situation, making and sticking to a budget, and paying his bills. 

Many communities provide support for all citizens with disabilities.  They offer career counseling and job placement services, among other advocacy assistance.  They may also offer assisted living in your community.  Sit down with your son and decide which services he needs, and then make plans to contact the appropriate offices. 

As a suggestion, you may want to find a written source to help you come up with a complete strategy for your son’s independence.  One such resource is “Becoming Remarkably Able:  Walking the Path to Talents, Interests, and Personal Growth” by Jackie Marquette, Ph.D.  This book is designed to be used by the support person of an individual with Autism or Asperger‘s.  You will find suggestions, assessments, and action steps to use to establish goals for your son’s future. 

You can do this!  More importantly, your son can do this.  He is well on his way to making this transition because of the support you’ve given him all along. 

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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Articles and Videos posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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Video on Aspergers and Characters 2

This is part 2 of a video made by a teen girl with Asperger’s Syndrome. In this video, she continues talking about movie and book characters who are portrayed as having Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism. At one point, she loses her train of thought and begins to stim with her hands. This leads to a discussion of why people stim. She then moves on to talk about how special schools for young children with Autism tend to redirect stimming attempts, for no reason other than because it looks weird. Very interesting perspective that shows the differences in girls and boys with Asperger’s Syndrome. Running time: 9 minutes, 51 seconds . . .

To watch this video go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/408.cfm

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Video on Aspergers Characters

A teen girl with Asperger’s Syndrome talks about characters in books, television shows, and movies that are purposely portrayed as Asperger’s and how this makes her feel. She goes on to give examples of other characters who are not purposely written as on the spectrum, but who have distinct characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome. These characters are more likeable, she believes, because they are not given a disability. Running time: 9 minutes 59 seconds …To watch this video article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/407.cfm

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Aspergers and New Year Resolutions by Matthew Readman

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. My first article for 2010 is on New Year’s resolutions. Every year I hear my mom and dad, grandfather and grandmother make their New Year’s resolutions on something they say they want to stop or start. They asked me this year if I had any resolutions, as I am getting older and should start making goals for myself. I stated, “Why bother?” My mother said everyone has something they wish to change for the better or a bad habit they wish to stop. I am 11 years old, and I have aspergers. What do I want to change? Okay…….I do not want aspergers. I want to be popular and wish to have a million dollars …To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/406.cfm

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Hi there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers blog post …

A big thank to all of you who joined The Parenting Aspergers Community this week and took advantage of the special offer that I had for “A Parent’s Guide to Social Skills and Independent Living” – it’s great to have you on board.

Another thing to look out for is another email from me in the next 48 hours with a whole host of information on it …

I have had a number of emails from people offering great advice, therapeutic opportunities, the chance to be part of studies and other such matters – all aimed at parents of children with Aspergers.

So I’ll bundle them all up into a (quite long probably!) blog post and let you know about it by email.

Anyway today’s article covers …

Question

What can I do to help my son with Aspergers function better in the outside world (places other than home)?

Answer

We expect the people around us to look and act a certain way.  Acting civilized is desired of all ages, young and old.  Sometimes this is just too much to expect.  People are individuals with their own agendas.  What seems civilized to one family may be over the top in another household.  What seems barely acceptable in one place is normal behavior in another.

Nevertheless, we all want to be accepted and we want our children to be accepted.  We teach and train from the earliest point in time to the best of our ability and our expectations, only to be told we aren’t quite reaching the bar in other’s eyes.  Then add in Asperger’s Syndrome.  How can we succeed?

Make sure that your son recognizes appropriate behavior for public places.  The younger you start, the more time you’ll have to cement the skills in his mind. Manners, personal cleanliness, and appropriate conversation are a few that are not only important at home but can mean acceptance in public.

You should make lists that are very straight-forward with simple language.  An example of a list subject could be as follows:

This is how I act at a restaurant:

•     I sit quietly and stay in my chair
•     I speak calmly and place my order
•     I eat my food using my manners

Picture charts are similar to lists, but use pictures instead of words.  For example, a picture of a restaurant logo could be used as the title.  The following pictures could be a car, people walking into a door, people sitting as a table, and so on.

Reading social stories is another good option. Choose a story about a boy going to eat in a restaurant.  It is possible to write your own story. Make sure the story includes many examples of proper behavior. Read the story several times before the trip to the restaurant.

Use every possible opportunity to remind your son about his lists, charts, and stories.  This will help him become more aware of how he should present himself.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome do not always see the importance of good behavior because of their lack of social skills.  The good thing is that they want to do what is right and acceptable and will work hard to follow the rules.

Utilize the Internet to find books and videos that will model proper behavior for him.  This video can be used for older kids through adult:  “Manners for the Real World:  Basic Social Skills” (DVD).

Your son can watch and emulate actual demonstrations of appropriate behavior by using this video.  There are many topic areas covered, from table manners to public conversations and everything in between.  All topics are discussed during the segment and then reviews are captioned on the screen.  He’ll see it, hear it and read it.

As your son grows, you will need to add new rules to his lists.  The body is always changing.   There will be added personal hygiene issues, as well as new social situations in which he’ll begin to participate.  The goal is to show him how to tackle the issues of public behavior himself as he becomes an adult.  Because of your diligence over the years, your son will know what he needs to do to function appropriately in public.

Thanks for reading and have a great week,

Dave Angel

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Articles and videos posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

This is an awesome animated video made by children with Aspergers in York, UK.

It is split into a number of short sections — The brain — Outlines how the brain is wired for children with Aspergers … and how this effects them day to day.

Diagnosis – A 16 yr old explaining his experiences in life and how his diagnosis helped him to understand

Communication — Why online communication can be easier than face to face.

Favorite things and interests — How having limited friends can lead to spending muc more time on interests and skills development.

Sensory Overload — A display of both visual and auditory experiences of Aspergers.

And also understanding other people (mind blindness), what it’s like to have aspergers and one Person’s View of the future.

A well presented video that in a few places may need you to turn up your pc volume a little — but offers good insight into what things are like for young people with ASD. Running Time – 8 Minutes 41 Seconds …

This is a video of a young man with Aspergers from Sweden talking about his frustrations with dating.

He makes an interesting point that as 75% of people with Aspergesr are male — the odds are not so good for him to meet a girl with Aspergers.

And he wants a girlfriend with Aspergers — as he feels they will understand him better.

He also talks about the fact that girls don’t generally approach guys but it’s generally the other way around.

He says that he doesn’t look approachable — and people have said “you look sad” when he is actually OK.

Also he discusses the challenges of interacting with a girl when you have Aspergers.

Whilst this video does not provide major answers to the challenge of relationships; it provides fascinating insight as long as you are not offended by one or two swear words! Running Time 10 Minutes 50 Seconds …

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/351.cfm
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Hi there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers blog post.

Just a quick reminder that I’ve recently had a guest expert join the Parenting Aspergers Community and she’s going to be providing great gluten free recipes for members.

Her name is Jules Shepard and she’s a published author who has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows in America.

To get her great gluten-free Southern Cornbread recipe for free just head on over to  http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/233.cfm?sd=225

Happy cooking … and here’s this week’s article

Question

My 21 year old is staying out all night and not telling us where he has been.  I am worried as he is not really “street wise” and probably at big risk.

Answer

Those with Asperger’s have a lot of difficulty recognizing when someone is lying to them, using them for their own purposes, or befriending them in order to get them involved in inappropriate activities.  Many Asperger’s teens and adults are surprised that someone would even try to take advantage of them.  While they understand if something is true or false, they cannot understand why someone would use the truth to create lies, say one thing but mean something else, or believe something that is not true.

The slow or confused processing of emotions many Aspies experience can impede awareness of dangerous situations and stop rational thought.  The emotional warning signs that are meant to protect them from difficult or harmful situations may malfunction, or work so slowly that they lose effectiveness.   This means that Aspies are less prepared to defend themselves verbally or physically in an argument or conflict or say “No” to inappropriate activities.  Consequently, your son, even though he is an adult, may fall victim to exploitation or worse through no fault of his own.

Even though he is an adult, you must still try to protect your socially naïve son as he is not ready for the same amount of freedom as other adults.  Does he have a trustworthy friend or relative (a cousin, perhaps) who could help him by going out with him and keeping him out of trouble?

This person can try to help him understand that many people act friendly, but may want to get him involved in foolish or dangerous activities.  Also, this person could help him get involved in clubs or groups in which he will meet responsible friends.

Counselling is definitely called for in this situation.  You and a counsellor may be able to convince your son to tell you what is going on when he is outside the home.  Also, he needs to tell you when “friends” want him to do something wrong or dangerous.  Convince him that by doing so he is doing the right thing, obeying the law, and keeping himself and others safe.

It is probably a good idea to put your name on all his bank accounts so that both of you must agree before he can access his money.

Sit down with your son and have a long talk about what he shouldn’t do when he is with friends, including inappropriate sexual activity, criminal activity, take drugs, drink, drive after drinking, and so forth.  Make it very clear to him the negative consequences of doing each of these things, in very specific terms.  Make it clear that he must not engage in these activities even to gain the friendship of others.

One of the good things for young people with Aspergers in this situation is that they can be very “black and white” in sticking to rules. So if you can emphasise some of the laws around certain behaviors e.g. petty crime, certain sexual behaviours, use of alcohol/drugs etc. you have a much better chance of compliance than with non-Aspie teens. In such situations quite rigid thinking can be a good thing if it helps to keep your son on the “straight and narrow”.

You should also consider the possibility of a group home or assisted living situation for your son to help him learn to become independent and act responsibly.

That’s all for th is week and don’t forget that free cornbread recipe at http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/233.cfm?sd=225

Take care

Dave Angel

The child with ASD may need numerous prompts and assistance to complete daily living skills, such as personal hygiene, dressing and household chores. These difficulties may occur because the child is preoccupied with other things, lacks the ability to focus, and simply doesn’t have the ability to finish these tasks to completion.

Having to provide continual prompts and direction may inadvertently resulting power struggles between parent and child and lead to more behavior problems. Children with ASD need repetition and visual cues to learn these skills and to complete them on a daily basis.

There are many ways to provide visual cues. Providing the necessary repetition for children takes a great deal of time and effort on the parents part, and finding the time to do so may be difficult. In addition, teaching these skills to children with ASD often includes an assessment of where there skills are currently at, and what is needed to build these skills.

The Able Individual Video Learning Series (Available on DVD and VHS) provides instruction on a variety of skills that children need and use on a daily basis. Through the use of repetition, this series provides the opportunity for children to practice their motor skills, and increases their ability to follow directions.

It provides directions in personal hygiene, dressing, and household chores. In addition, this series provides both verbal and visual cues for learning tasks. When children are able to learn these tasks and perform them independently, they begin to feel better about themselves. Eliminating the need for assistance and continual verbal prompts will increase their independence and self-esteem.Kids need to be able to perform these tasks independently, they just need additional time and assistance to learn these skills, which this video series provides.

Check it out by clicking The Able Individual Video Learning Series

Thanks

Dave Angel