Question

I need help in teaching my daughter appropriate sexual behavior. She will be 16 in June, has Asperger’s, and acts out sexually. She feels this is what she is “supposed” to do when she likes a boy, and I just can’t get her to feel moral values.

Answer

A 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s Syndrome will have a fully developed female body, but it is unlikely that she will have a full understanding of adolescent sexuality. Depending on her exposure to popular media, she may have formulated an impression of sexuality from the licentious “celebrities” that have become well-known for their use of drugs and alcohol and their fickle, promiscuous sexual behaviour. Your daughter could very well believe that behaviours such as candid flirtation, physical sexual cues, sexual language, and sexual activity are what she, as you say, “is supposed to do when she likes a boy.” The media sends this message loud and clear!

Your daughter needs the advice of a professional counselor now as she is exhibiting behaviour that could lead to very severe consequences.

In addition to the negative effects of the media, teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome do not acquire “street smarts” when it comes to dating or sex. As a result, they are naïve and misinformed about sex.

Your daughter is an adolescent and she wants to develop an identity separate from yours. One aspect of this development is challenging your thoughts and beliefs. When this happens, many parents feel that they have to be friends with their children in order to keep calm in the home. In doing so, they abdicate their parental responsibility, and children suffer in the process. Your daughter still needs to have clearly defined rules while she is living in your home. You know the possible negative consequences of overtly sexual behavior, she does not. Impose specific rules on her; she shouldn’t be alone with boys or be dating, considering the situation.

She may not understand why you are imposing rules; you need to stress that they are for her benefit, now and in the future, and explain why in very specific terms (i.e.; to protect her from sexual diseases, HIV/AIDS, and pregnancy). She needs to understand not just what the consequences of sexual activity are, but what will happen if she gets a venereal disease, HIV/AIDS, or gets pregnant. This will be far more meaningful to her than vague advice about “morality.”

It is imperative that you teach your daughter about sex. She needs specific details about responsible sexual behavior and the consequences of reckless intimacy. Start with basic sex education and move on from there. Freely expressing her sexual feelings because she thinks it is the only way to be accepted and loved must be countered with facts about sexual consequences and information on more appropriate ways to be accepted by boys.

For further information on this subject, consider reading the book http://Asperger’s and Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond by Jerry and Mary Newport. This book was written by two adults who have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. They are a married couple, and their book provides information about young adults with Asperger’s and the issue of sexuality. The topics in this book include birth control, dating, disease prevention, sexuality, and taking personal responsibility for sexually related behaviour.

In addition to the above book, go online and read “Sexuality and Autism.” It is posted at http://autism.about.com/od/transitioncollegejobs/f/sexed.htm

My son is 15, he knows he is different from other children, he wants to know why? And how would you start explaining sex, and changes his body is going through?

Why am I different? This is a difficult question to answer, but at 15, your son is ready for some explanation of his condition. No one knows for sure how anyone gets Asperger’s Syndrome. We do know it is not a disease, and you can’t catch it from anyone.

Here is a guideline for you to follow when you answer your son’s question:

Lots of people have problems and challenges in life to deal with. Some of them can be seen and some cannot. You have a condition known as Asperger’s Syndrome. We don’t know why you have it. Sometimes it is inherited from other people in a family. Asperger’s Syndrome has something to do with the genes that are in our bodies and something may have happened to some of them before you were born. Kids have Asperger’s Syndrome from the time they are born, but some kids are going to school before the doctors diagnose Asperger’s Syndrome. More and more people are being diagnosed with Asperger’s, but that’s probably because doctors and psychiatrists know more about Asperger’s and what to look for than they did in the past. You are not the only teenager with Asperger’s; a lot of kids have it, so you are not alone.

Here are some websites for teenagers with Asperger’s and maybe you can find some information for yourself. The first one is Asperger’s Teens at www.aspergerfriends.com/AspergersTeens.html. Also, try WrongPlanet.Net at

www.wrongplanet.net/. These two websites can help you understand Asperger’s and convince you that you can do well in life. Also, you might be able to meet other kids your age who have Asperger’s online and talk with them.

Groups of children and adolescents can be very cruel to someone who doesn’t act, talk, or think like them, and a child can easily take that to mean that they aren’t as good as or “cool” enough to be with a particular group of people. It is important for you to stress to your child that “different” does not mean inferior.

In addition to giving him your support and referring him to the internet, you might want to read the book Aspergers Syndrome and Adolescence: Practical Solutions for School Success by Brenda Smith Myles (Author) and Diane Adreon. This book contains many tips on how to help children transition from childhood to adulthood. The book addresses adolescent sexuality as well as how to disclose an Asperger’s diagnosis to peers.

One of the most important aspects of your relationship with your child at this age is for you to be open-minded and available to answer his questions regarding Asperger’s and how it affects him. If there is an adult male role model available, he should also provide counseling and support for your child. Your son will be most successful if he knows that you and your mate are supportive and available to him.

Take Care

Dave Angel