Question:

Can you give advice for teenagers with Aspergers and dating?

Answer:

The teen years can be very complicated for kids with Asperger’s.  Dating can be especially confusing due to the social struggles and communication problems caused by Asperger’s Syndrome.  Here is a list of the most common problems when it comes to dating.

• Sensory Difficulties can make it difficult to go out on a date.  The sights, smells, and sounds of restaurants and movie theaters can be overwhelming to the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

• Recognizing the emotions that come with dating is also a challenge.  Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome usually have a hard time identifying emotional facial expressions, body language, and conversation.

• Social skills such as social cues and gestures, two-party conversations, and understanding sarcasm, humor, and slang can be nearly impossible for the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome to sort through.

• Routine is desirable for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome, but does not always lend itself to the world of dating.  Without a set routine, he may feel he is losing control of his life.

• Obsessions work against a dating relationship unless the topic is a mutual interest.  If not, this obsession will definitely compete for the affections of the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Parents can help their teen with these Asperger’s dating issues.  The first thing parents should do is teach basic dating guidelines like how a person should be treated, how to guarantee safety, and how to develop friendships.  It is also a good idea for parents to role-play and practice dating situations, as well as review proper social skills.  “The Guide to Dating for Teenagers with Asperger Syndrome,” by Jennifer Uhlenkamp is a book written in the form of a question and answer session with a special education teacher.  This is followed by sections of discussion questions to help parents talk with their teens.

Some teens may need professional help with Asperger’s dating issues.  Autism support groups often have social skills classes for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Individual counseling can help reduce anxiety and fear over the dating situation.

This time of life is scary and exciting for teens with Asperger’s.  Dating does not have to be anxiety-ridden.  With the help of parents, teachers, and counselors, teens with Asperger’s Syndrome can be successful in social relationships.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Question:

I think my husband has Aspergers can you give me some advice please?

Answer:

Many adults are diagnosed later in life with Asperger‘s.  Husbands are often diagnosed after learning about Asperger’s through their child’s diagnosis.  This adult diagnosis may explain many issues within a couple’s marriage.  Relationships are work for everyone.  Relationships that are complicated by Asperger’s Syndrome can be extremely difficult.  There is hope for your marriage.

The first step is obtaining the diagnosis of Asperger’s.  A husband with suspected Asperger’s syndrome may be unwilling to accept the possibility, making life that much more difficult for the family.  Most of the time, however, learning the characteristics of Asperger’s are an eye-opening experience that explains the person’s struggles throughout life.  This diagnosis can help your husband, and your marriage, get back on the right foot.

In the meantime, there are books available to assist the wife of an Asperger’s husband.  For example, “Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship.” by Kathy Marshack Ph.D.; Foreword by Stephen Shore Ed.D, will help you learn how to take control of your relationship and find new ways to look at the challenges of living with Asperger’s Syndrome.

While you are waiting to learn if you have an Asperger’s husband, there are things you can do to make life a bit more positive.

• Conquer loneliness if at all possible.  Spouses often complain of being left alone either emotionally or literally.  Find your own interests or hobbies to focus on when you are feeling lonely.  This is not meant as avoidance.  It is important that you continue to enjoy shared interests and time together whenever your husband permits.

• Acceptance of your circumstances can be quite freeing.  Accept the things you cannot change and work to make the rest more manageable.

• Educate yourself about Asperger’s.  Learn all you can about the condition, its symptoms, and the treatments.  Education is power.

• Focus on your husband’s strengths.  This will make you feel better and it will give your husband some much-needed confidence.

• Find help for your husband’s challenges.  Medications and therapy could make a difference in your quality of life as a couple, as well as his personal well being.

• Join a local Autism support group.  There are often sub groups for adults and spouses.  These groups are filled with people who have been in your position.  They can help you navigate the condition.

• Counseling can be beneficial for your husband and for you.  Counseling can give you both an outlet for the frustrations within your relationship.  Individual counseling, as well as couples counseling are highly recommended for newly diagnosed adults and their spouses.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Question

Can you tell me about Aspergers sexuality issues?

Answer

As one of the most difficult times in the life of a child with Asperger’s, sexuality and puberty are much dreaded by parents and teachers alike.  Children with Asperger’s, while very intelligent, tend to be immature for their age.  However, puberty and sexual development will appear at the appropriate age, leaving room for confusion for the child and possible embarrassment for the parents.

Teaching your child with Asperger’s about sexuality is very important and must be taken seriously.  This is not the time to be shy and hope the child makes these discoveries for himself.  Chances are, he will make these discoveries without proper knowledge, and that is a recipe for disaster.

By always practicing open communication with your child with Asperger’s, sexuality and puberty talks will come naturally and with little trepidation.  Remember, any anxiety or discomfort you feel will be obvious to your child.  You do not want to send the message that sexuality is a negative frame of mind.  Here are some of the issues that occur in children with Asperger’s Syndrome from lack of knowledge:

• Touching self or others inappropriately in public
• Undressing in public
• Talking about sexual subject in public
• Beginning sexual activity at a young age
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Pregnancy

While all parents worry about many of these same issues when their children reach the teen years, typically developing children have a better chance of understanding than a child with Asperger’s, about sexuality.  Parents of children with Asperger’s must approach sex education with purpose in order to inform their child about the way things should be.  Here are some tips for the parent of an Asperger’s child nearing puberty.

• Start early.  Young children with Asperger’s Syndrome should be taught about their bodies using proper terminology.  Any questions that arise should be answered age-appropriately, with facts and simple terminology.
• Open communication is a must for parents and children.  Teach your child that he can talk to you or ask questions about anything.
• Discuss emotions.  Your child with Asperger’s has difficulty relating to others and understanding emotions and feelings.  Be sure to talk about the emotions and feelings that come with puberty and sexuality.

Due to the challenges of Asperger’s, sexuality is a big issue that must be tackled when the time is right.  If you are unsure how to start a conversation with your child, you might want to consider a resource like “Autism-Asperger’s & Sexuality:  Puberty and Beyond”, by Jerry and Mary Newport.  The authors of this book are a married couple with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

Question

I work with a child that has aspergers and he is loosing friends and does not understand why?  How can I help him through this time and how do I help him build skills to make and keep friends?

Answer

For children with Aspergers, friends can be difficult to make and to keep.  The very skills needed to build these relationships, social skills and non-verbal communication, are the skills that children with Aspergers Syndrome are lacking.  These weaknesses vary from each individual since Asperger’s is a spectrum condition.  However, nearly all people with Aspergers have some level of difficulty in these areas.

It is possible to teach social and communication skills to children with Aspergers.  Friends can be made and kept when these skills are learned.  Here are some of the skills that must be developed:

*        Personal space

*        Body language and gestures

*        Facial expressions

*        Social communication

*        Greetings

*       Chit chat

*       Humor/jokes

*        Sarcasm

*        Initiating two-way conversations

*        Sharing

*        Taking turns

It is a common misconception that, for children with Aspergers, friends are unimportant, or not desired.  This is usually far from the truth.  Because of the lack of social ability, children with Aspergers often have no idea how to go about building friendships even though the desire is there.  This lack of balance can cause a great deal of anxiety, depression, and eventually, isolation.

Some people believe that the answer to this problem of Aspergers and friends is intense therapies.  Social skills training, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and even psychological counseling are options that parents of children with Aspergers often pursue.  However, not everyone has access to these forms of therapy.  When this happens, parents should feel confident in their ability to counteract their child’s weaknesses with resources at home.  There are books, videos, and other resources readily available for use by families.  One such book, “Friendly Facts: A Fun, Interactive Resource to Help Children Explore the Complexities of Friends and Friendship”, by Dr. Margaret-Anne Carter and Josie Santomauro, is a perfect example of a parent friendly resource for improving a child’s social skills.

In order for the child with Aspergers to make friends, he must understand social communication, and the qualities of being a friend.  To have friends, we must know how to be a friend.  Once this basic concept is understood, your child with Aspergers will have a better chance at making and keeping friends.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

How to help my son with Aspergers to make friends and fit in better? He is 10. He wants friends but how to get him to understand those who say they are friends but are just using him.

As a parent, your goal is a normal life for your son with Aspergers.  Friends are a big part of what we consider a normal life.  Without friends, it seems a person would be sad and lonely.  Some people do better with one or two good friends, while others feel the need to be surrounded by friends.  Chances are, your son falls somewhere in the middle. 

For a child with Aspergers, friends may seem beyond reach and understanding.  The desire is there, but because of low social skills, the knowledge of making and keeping friends is lacking.  Thankfully, these skills can be learned to a certain extent; well enough for a child to make and keep a few good friends.  These social skills are important for building friendships.

* Eye contact

* Ability to read social cues, gestures, and body language

* Understanding the concepts of sharing, taking turns, and two-way conversation

* Ability to understand and use slang, humor, and sarcasm

* Ability to give and take constructive criticism

* Being mindful of other people’s feelings; empathy

* Personal hygiene

All of these social skills, plus others, can be taught to enhance the Aspergers friend connection.  At the age of ten, your son should have access to support at school.  Social skills training, occupational therapy, sensory integration therapy, speech-language therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy are often suggested treatments for children with Aspergers Syndrome.  In addition, parents should also supplement these treatments with their own input at home.  Here are a few suggestions.

* Social skills classes can usually be found through Autism support groups.  Other opportunities for your child to learn hands-on social skills (with your guidance) are in groups or clubs geared to his special interests. 

* Children with Aspergers Syndrome are often rule followers.  Make a written list of rules used when dealing with friends.  For example, I will not stand too close to my friend; I will pay attention when he talks and take turns talking about things we both like; I will be mindful of my friend’s feelings.

* You can use social stories to guide your son through specific situations.  These stories are simply written, straightforward, and detailed.

* Role-playing is a very effective teaching tool for children with Asperger’s.  Play the role of a friend and act out a variety of scenarios.  Practice makes perfect!

* Peer mentoring is another option.  This is commonly used in the school environment, but you could find a relative or family friend to be your son’s peer model.  He can shadow this mentor and watch friends in action.

To get another perspective, check out this book by Joanna Keating-Velasco:  “A is for Autism, F is for Friend”.  This book is written from the perspective of an 11-year-old with Autism. 

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community
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How can I stop my son with Aspergers from touching other people’s faces?

People need personal space and will go to great lengths to protect their personal space, even to the point of anger. Unfortunately, children with Asperger’s Syndrome do not understand the concept of personal space. This lack of understanding, accompanied by the child’s weaknesses in the area of social skills and communication, make for a potential sticky situation. However, children with Asperger’s can be taught about personal space and unwanted touching …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/550.cfm

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My 11-year-old girl with Aspergers has mood swings, what can I do about them?

A common complaint from parents of children with Asperger’s is dealing with the mood swings and meltdowns that are a component of Asperger’s Syndrome. Emotional interaction and social communication are difficult for these children. These difficulties cause frustration that has to be relieved in some manner. Hence, the reckless mood swings …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/549.cfm

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What is NLP and can it be helpful for Asperger’s?

NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programming is a behavioral or communication technology. Using NLP techniques, you can change or eradicate unwanted behaviors and implement positive behaviors. NLP has been referred to as an instruction manual for your mind. The name itself represents the connection between the brain, language, and the body. The techniques used in NLP call upon the complete realm of your life experiences: mentally, emotionally, and physically, to create lasting positive change …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/548.cfm

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Hello and welcome to this week’s blog post about Aspergers and sexual behavior.

Here it is …

Question

I want to teach my child about appropriate sexual behavior-but how?

Answer

Everyone wants to be loved.  Children seek love from their parents and eventually, they will seek love from their peers.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome want to feel love and affection just like everyone else, but they are hampered by their inability to form solid relationships.   Building a strong parent-child bond early in life will help teach your Asperger’s child about relationships, love and the closeness necessary to form intimate bonds.  There will be more work to do later, as you’re realizing now.

Sexuality should be openly discussed at the appropriate level at all ages.  Once your child hits puberty, it’s time to talk about sexual behavior.  Talk, talk and talk some more.  Having a clear path of communication with your child will enable you to have conversations about important life lessons.  Make sure you respect his needs for adjusted communication.  Talking while walking for example, or while driving through town, will give him a chance to voice his thoughts without having to maintain eye contact.  Plus, he may be more willing to open up about his true thoughts and feelings when he knows you are not focusing solely on him.

Children with Asperger’s like to have the facts.  No cutesy stories, no made-up names and definitely no personal details.  Stick to clear, concise facts using proper terminology.  Have him make a list of the facts.  In addition, have him make a list of dos and don’ts in relation to sexual behavior.  This will appeal to his need for order. Here are some suggestions to start a list of do’s and don’ts:

•    I should stand a foot away from another person.  People need their space.

•    I should not touch a person’s face, hair, or body without permission.

•    I should not touch my own body in public.  Touching myself is private.

Find books on the subject of sexuality geared to children with Asperger’s or younger typical kids.  These books will be written and illustrated in a way that he can easily understand.

If your child is already a teenager or older, the book “Autism-Asperger’s & Sexuality:  Puberty and Beyond” by Jerry and Mary Newport; foreword by Teresa Bolick is a good place to start.  Written by a husband and wife team both living with Asperger’s Syndrome, this book will help guide your child (and you) through the challenging topics of puberty and sexuality.

Your child is going through major physical and emotional changes.  He may find it difficult to cope with these changes and how they relate to all areas of life.  His body and hygiene, friendships and dating, maturity and behavior will all be affected by becoming an adult.  With your guidance, he can make these changes and approach adulthood well educated on the subject of sexuality and proper sexual behavior.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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I am still trying to receive a diagnosis of Aspergers for my child. What should I do in the US or UK?

When you think something is “not quite right” with your child, it is best to follow through with the appropriate action. A parent knows his or her own child better than anyone else. That bond is there for a reason. It is the parent’s natural instinct to take care of the child’s every need. If you think that your child may have Asperger’s Syndrome, you should pursue the assessment process as soon as possible …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/405.cfm

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How can my adult son with Aspergers find and keep a job?

We associate all of our self-worth on how successful we are in life. The right career, the perfect house, and good friends are all necessary for us to fit in. In reality, most people would be far happier with less if they could spend their days chasing their dreams instead of dollars. People with Asperger’s Syndrome spend their time concentrating on personal interests. This can be useful when it comes to finding a job …To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/404.cfm

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How do I help instill confidence in my son with Aspergers as he continues to grow? (He’s a young adult now.)

Kids with Asperger’s Syndrome can definitely struggle with a lack of self-confidence. These kids are targeted by their peers in so many ways. They sometimes come across as ‘too good’, needing strict adherence to rules. They can also be highly intelligent, causing them to be labeled as ‘brains’. Sometimes clumsy, kids with Asperger’s are just different enough that the other kids at school resort to picking at them. Bullying is a huge problem for kids with Asperger’s. Add in the inability to make good social connections and you have a definite risk for low self-esteem …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/403.cfm

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Question

I need help in teaching my daughter appropriate sexual behavior. She will be 16 in June, has Asperger’s, and acts out sexually. She feels this is what she is “supposed” to do when she likes a boy, and I just can’t get her to feel moral values.

Answer

A 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s Syndrome will have a fully developed female body, but it is unlikely that she will have a full understanding of adolescent sexuality. Depending on her exposure to popular media, she may have formulated an impression of sexuality from the licentious “celebrities” that have become well-known for their use of drugs and alcohol and their fickle, promiscuous sexual behaviour. Your daughter could very well believe that behaviours such as candid flirtation, physical sexual cues, sexual language, and sexual activity are what she, as you say, “is supposed to do when she likes a boy.” The media sends this message loud and clear!

Your daughter needs the advice of a professional counselor now as she is exhibiting behaviour that could lead to very severe consequences.

In addition to the negative effects of the media, teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome do not acquire “street smarts” when it comes to dating or sex. As a result, they are naïve and misinformed about sex.

Your daughter is an adolescent and she wants to develop an identity separate from yours. One aspect of this development is challenging your thoughts and beliefs. When this happens, many parents feel that they have to be friends with their children in order to keep calm in the home. In doing so, they abdicate their parental responsibility, and children suffer in the process. Your daughter still needs to have clearly defined rules while she is living in your home. You know the possible negative consequences of overtly sexual behavior, she does not. Impose specific rules on her; she shouldn’t be alone with boys or be dating, considering the situation.

She may not understand why you are imposing rules; you need to stress that they are for her benefit, now and in the future, and explain why in very specific terms (i.e.; to protect her from sexual diseases, HIV/AIDS, and pregnancy). She needs to understand not just what the consequences of sexual activity are, but what will happen if she gets a venereal disease, HIV/AIDS, or gets pregnant. This will be far more meaningful to her than vague advice about “morality.”

It is imperative that you teach your daughter about sex. She needs specific details about responsible sexual behavior and the consequences of reckless intimacy. Start with basic sex education and move on from there. Freely expressing her sexual feelings because she thinks it is the only way to be accepted and loved must be countered with facts about sexual consequences and information on more appropriate ways to be accepted by boys.

For further information on this subject, consider reading the book http://Asperger’s and Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond by Jerry and Mary Newport. This book was written by two adults who have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. They are a married couple, and their book provides information about young adults with Asperger’s and the issue of sexuality. The topics in this book include birth control, dating, disease prevention, sexuality, and taking personal responsibility for sexually related behaviour.

In addition to the above book, go online and read “Sexuality and Autism.” It is posted at http://autism.about.com/od/transitioncollegejobs/f/sexed.htm

My son is 15, he knows he is different from other children, he wants to know why? And how would you start explaining sex, and changes his body is going through?

Why am I different? This is a difficult question to answer, but at 15, your son is ready for some explanation of his condition. No one knows for sure how anyone gets Asperger’s Syndrome. We do know it is not a disease, and you can’t catch it from anyone.

Here is a guideline for you to follow when you answer your son’s question:

Lots of people have problems and challenges in life to deal with. Some of them can be seen and some cannot. You have a condition known as Asperger’s Syndrome. We don’t know why you have it. Sometimes it is inherited from other people in a family. Asperger’s Syndrome has something to do with the genes that are in our bodies and something may have happened to some of them before you were born. Kids have Asperger’s Syndrome from the time they are born, but some kids are going to school before the doctors diagnose Asperger’s Syndrome. More and more people are being diagnosed with Asperger’s, but that’s probably because doctors and psychiatrists know more about Asperger’s and what to look for than they did in the past. You are not the only teenager with Asperger’s; a lot of kids have it, so you are not alone.

Here are some websites for teenagers with Asperger’s and maybe you can find some information for yourself. The first one is Asperger’s Teens at www.aspergerfriends.com/AspergersTeens.html. Also, try WrongPlanet.Net at

www.wrongplanet.net/. These two websites can help you understand Asperger’s and convince you that you can do well in life. Also, you might be able to meet other kids your age who have Asperger’s online and talk with them.

Groups of children and adolescents can be very cruel to someone who doesn’t act, talk, or think like them, and a child can easily take that to mean that they aren’t as good as or “cool” enough to be with a particular group of people. It is important for you to stress to your child that “different” does not mean inferior.

In addition to giving him your support and referring him to the internet, you might want to read the book Aspergers Syndrome and Adolescence: Practical Solutions for School Success by Brenda Smith Myles (Author) and Diane Adreon. This book contains many tips on how to help children transition from childhood to adulthood. The book addresses adolescent sexuality as well as how to disclose an Asperger’s diagnosis to peers.

One of the most important aspects of your relationship with your child at this age is for you to be open-minded and available to answer his questions regarding Asperger’s and how it affects him. If there is an adult male role model available, he should also provide counseling and support for your child. Your son will be most successful if he knows that you and your mate are supportive and available to him.

Take Care

Dave Angel