Aspergers and Siblings is the topic for this week’s article on the blog.

But before that just a quick bit of information – I am traveling to Manchester (in the North of England for those who don’t know!) tomorrow to visit family for a couple of days.

So if I am a bit slow responding to emails in the next few days I apologize upfront – I am not sure what internet access I will have. Anyway that aside here’s this week’s article –

Question

How can I balance it so that I spend enough time with my son with Aspergers and his siblings?

Answer

Every mother struggles to create balance in her life.  Work, household chores, spouse, and children all compete for a woman’s attention.  A child with Asperger’s Syndrome will demand attention.  Other people and areas of life will fall to the wayside as the mother struggles to meet the needs of that child.

It is possible to accomplish the goal of a balanced home life.  It will take planning and dedication, skills you already exercise every day as a mother.  Here are some areas that you can work on.

*    Do your homework.  Find books that will help you deal with tough issues and give you guidance on how to improve the relationships within your home.   The book, “Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families” by Sandra L. Harris, Ph.D. will be helpful to increase understanding of sibling relationships affected by Autism.  Books like this one can help you develop strategies that will benefit all of your children.

*    Schedule time with each child.  One-on-one time is invaluable for building your children’s self-confidence.  Plan regular alone time with each of your children.  Encourage each child to talk about things that happen with their siblings.  Be open and honest about Asperger’s Syndrome.  These outings are the perfect time to answer questions the siblings may have about your child with Asperger’s.

*    Make time for work and for play.  Household chores should be shared by all.  It is important for all of your children that you keep your child with Asperger’s involved.  He needs to learn these important life skills and his siblings need to experience a home of fairness.  On the other hand, make sure you schedule plenty of structured and free playtime.  Your children need to play together.  Your typical children will learn the value of tolerance while your child with Asperger’s will learn those important social skills.

*    Make therapy a family project.  It can actually be fun.  Spreading the work among several people will make it easier to stick to a therapy plan.  It will teach your children about teamwork, social skills, and what it means to be part of a family.

Finally, be an involved parent.  Support all of your children at school and at home.  Get in the floor with them to play, watch movies, or just hang out.  Talk about everything.  Know what’s going on in their lives, show interest in their friends, and recognize their hobbies and special interests.  Make every minute count for all of your children.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/433.cfm
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Hi there and welcome to this weeks blog article …

Question

How will Asperger’s affect my other (non-Asperger’s) 7 yr old son as he grows up?

Answer

Living with a sibling who has Asperger’s Syndrome is not always easy.  One minute the two are playing a game or sharing a special toy and the next minute, the child with Asperger’s is in the middle of a meltdown while the sibling sits wondering what happened to cause it. 

Everyone in your home should learn about Asperger’s Syndrome.  Even small children can be told why their sibling acts the way he does in a way they can understand.  Simple, matter-of-fact explanations will satisfy the younger ones.  Allow the children to ask questions.  Negative effects on siblings will be diminished if they are informed.  Young children do not like personal mysteries.

Here are some additional ideas for you to use to help your other children deal with Asperger’s Syndrome.

* There are books written specifically for the siblings of children with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These books are available for all ages and come in the form of non-fiction essays by real children, fictional storybooks, books written by teens with Asperger’s, and personal accounts written by parents or adult siblings to name a few.  You should be able to find just what you need for your child’s siblings.  A possible choice is “Views from Our Shoes: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs” by Donald Meyer, editor.  This book is a collection of essays written by the siblings of children with Asperger’s Syndrome.  They range in age from four to eighteen. 

* Special attention is a necessity for the siblings of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome.  The child with Asperger’s unintentionally demands attention.  His behaviors are questionable in his sibling’s eyes; they would never get by with doing some of those things.  Schedule regular one-on-one outings or play dates with each child.  Give each one your undivided attention and make them feel special as often as possible.  They need you and yes, you need them.
 
* Family counseling can help with all sorts of negative feelings, especially once the siblings get older.  The child with Asperger’s can embarrass them.  Having a safe place to vent frustrations and negative feelings will keep your household feeling positive while everyone makes the most of having a compassionate listener.

Siblings of a child with Asperger’s should suffer no ill effects when living in a balanced, supportive home.  Take steps when they are young to minimize any negatives and help them grow up to be caring, compassionate adults.

That’s all for this week and have a great week,

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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What tips can you give me to help my son with Aspergers to cope with his first day at college?

More children with Asperger’s Syndrome are going off to college now than ever before. While college is a big step in every teen’s life, you can help make the transition go smoothly with a little advanced preparation. Until he leaves, you are still in command. You can help him …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/331.cfm

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We are planning a family holiday this year with our child who has Aspergers – any tips?

There is just nothing better than a family holiday! Asperger’s Syndrome should not stand in the way of a fun family adventure. With a little advanced planning and extra consideration, you can arrange a trip that will be a great memory for years to come …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/330.cfm

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What tips can you give me to help my son with Aspergers to cope with his first day at college?

More children with Asperger’s Syndrome are going off to college now than ever before. While college is a big step in every teen’s life, you can help make the transition go smoothly with a little advanced preparation. Until he leaves, you are still in command. You can help him …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/329.cfm

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Hello there and welcome to this week’s Aspergers article.

Thanks to all of you who have sent in suggestions for the “Back to School” survey – I will get writing that resource pretty soon.

Here’s this week’s article …

Question

How to balance out the needs of two children on the spectrum and two NT kids?

Answer

Parenting is hard work.  Unless you have a child with Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism, you just have no idea about the true demands this adds to everyday parenting.  A second child on the spectrum does not always mean more of the same because every child is affected so differently.  Balancing the needs of a large family is a full time job, even without Asperger’s Syndrome!

It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched too thin when you have so much on your parenting plate.  Planning a strategy to help meet everyone’s needs is necessary.  Don’t forget to take care of yourself so you’ll feel like taking care of everyone else.

Taking care of yourself

.    Participate in support groups focused on the needs of Asperger’s families.

.    Find respite care when you need a break.  Everyone deserves to get out and relax for an hour or so.

.    Do not ignore your hobbies.  A mother with four kids is going to have to schedule time for hobbies, but it is important to do things you enjoy for relaxation and personal growth.

.    Keep in touch with your friends.  You need this form of support.  Your friends know you and know how to lift your spirits and keep you motivated.

Taking care of your kids

.    Spend one-on-one time with each child.  Focus a little time each week on each child.  They all enjoy the special attention and it gives you a chance to teach each one something new or enjoy a favorite-shared activity.

.    Keep in touch with each child’s teacher.  The children spend a big chunk of time at school.  Knowing what is going on at school will help you be a more effective parent and advocate for your children.

.    Look for ways to make life fun and ‘normal’ for your family.  “Top Ten Tips: A Survival Guide for Families with Children on the Autism Spectrum” by Teresa A. Cardon, M.A., CCC-SLP; foreword by Kristi Sakai is a book that lists practical tips for living with Asperger’s and how to blend all of your family into everyday life situations.  Suggestions cover life at home, at school, and in the community.  Read about this book at

.    Listen to each of your children.  Sometimes moms of many can get so busy that they forget to stop and listen.  A few minutes of listening to each child can clarify the causes of problem behavior or illuminate special moments.

Finding balance is a goal for which to aim.  With a little investigation and preparation, you will find what works for each of your children and your family as a whole.

That’s all for this week, so have a great week.

Thanks

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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How can I find out the proper treatment/therapy options for Asperger’s?

Treatment for Asperger’s Syndrome strives to increase communication skills, social skills, and to modify certain behaviors. Treatment options for your child with Asperger’s will be an individual program designed by your child’s physician, behavioural therapist, and yourself. Many children with Asperger’s Syndrome have coexisting conditions that can complicate the diagnostic process for your child. Children may …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/288.cfm

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I want to help my son to have a life as he has no confidence due to severe school bullying. Although has amazing high school exam results and has completed a novice triathlon, he is very depressed.

Children with Asperger’s can often have a difficult time in school. School bullies often target their behaviors. A student with Asperger’s is often a loner who might have trouble talking with people and interacting in groups. Sometimes, a child with Asperger’s has some trouble with physical coordination. In the classroom, a child with Asperger’s might not understand which questions are appropriate to ask and which are not. All these behaviour are …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/287.cfm

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How can I help my son to understand what others truly mean?

For children with Asperger’s, understanding social interactions can be truly puzzling and confusing. The difficulties of reading verbal cues and facial cues can be overwhelming for some and not noticed by others. Whether there is too much social information to be decoded or social information is just not noticed, your child with Asperger’s is going to need some help learning how to interact with people. One way to help your son understand social cues is to …

To read this article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/286.cfm

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Hi there – It’s “busy time” at the moment as I am frantically checking through everything on the brand new Aspergers website www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com before it finally opens it’s door tomorrow.

It seems like I have been talking about this site for so long and now it’s finally here!

If you want grab one of the strictly limited Charter Membership slots (there’s only going to be 200) then you need to make sure that you are signed up to the “early bird notification” email list to get a head start.

If you are not already on this list you can sign up now by visiting www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com and completing your details in the box provided.

OK that’s that for the new site and here’s the latest Tuesday blog entry …

Question

I would like some tips on how to teach a younger sibling (age 3, not in school yet due to rural location) not to pick up unwanted behaviours from his brother.

Answer

You might be concerned that your 3-year-old will pick up unwanted behaviours because he might have Asperger’s Syndrome, also.  Asperger’s does, indeed, have a genetic component.

New research in the area of Asperger’s has shown that toddler siblings of autistic children are more likely to exhibit the same atypical behaviours as their brothers and sisters with autism, even when they don’t eventually develop the disorder.  Andy Shih, PhD, of the Baby Sibling Research Consortium, states that this increases the importance of careful monitoring of high-risk siblings of children with autism {or Asperger’s} for any signs of a disorder.  If one should occur, you are well-situated for early intervention.  If atypical behaviours occur, but there is no Asperger’s, you will feel relief at knowing that your second child does not have it.

If you have a child with Asperger’s, the odds are 50 to 100 times greater that your second child will be diagnosed with Asperger’s.  At the age of three, it might be difficult to tell if the child has Asperger’s.  Ask yourself the following:

•    Does your younger son have age-appropriate communication skills?

•    Does he follow his brother’s exact behaviours?

•    Is he overreacting to sensory stimuli (actions, lights, sounds)?  Does he cover his eyes or ears to avoid sensory stimuli?

If you answered “No” to these questions, your son is probably just imitating his older brother, and that is very common with siblings.  He might see his older brother as a role model, or he sees his brother getting a lot of attention for these behaviours, and he is imitating him to get some of the attention.

If you answered “Yes” to the above questions, consider having a professional, such as an Intervention Specialist or special education teacher, observe your three-year- old when he interacts with his brother, and when he is alone.  You might be thinking of waiting to see if your son outgrows these behaviours; however, if he does have Asperger’s Syndrome, you should begin early intervention.  Make sure that the professional you consult is experienced in assessing autism spectrum disorders, and that his experience specifically includes Asperger’s Syndrome.

In addition to obtaining the services of a behavioural professional, read the book Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families By Sandra L. Harris.

This book discusses explaining autism to your children, helping them express their thoughts and feelings, and helping them to play cooperatively.  Ms. Harris includes ways to look at and cope with the many challenges faced by families who are raising an autistic child.  Also this book addresses ways to sustain a marriage while coping with atypical child behaviours.  The book is brief, easy to read, and comprehend.  Also, it provides “case studies,” first-hand accounts of the difficulties faced by parents and siblings.

Your awareness of the sibling relationship, along with the help of a professional, and the book mentioned above will give you information and assistance to help with your three-year-old, if he, too, is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Stay in touch with the professional involved and re-read the book so that you can provide a comprehensive level of care for both your children.

That’s all for today and don’t forget to sign up to the email list at www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com if you want to be in with a chance of grabbing one of the strictly limited Charter Memberships slots (I expect them to go very quickly!)

Take Care

Dave Angel

Hello there and I hope that you and your family have enjoyed a happy holiday season. One thing that I think would be nice is if you had any particularly fun or exciting moments with your family that you would like to share on the blog. Or if there was anything that you learnt in helping your child with Aspergers cope with the holidays then it would be great if you wanted to share it. Just add a comment to the end of this post. As with last time the text version of this article may be a few days later this week as Thursday (when I normally send it out) falls on New Year’s Day. Anyway here’s to a great New Year and the article follows …

Question

My AS daughter is 10 and my youngest daughter is almost 4.  My 10-year-old verbally attacks my 3-year-old and my 3-year-old just stands there looking dazed and confused.  How can I get my 10-year-old to stop doing this and how can I protect my 3-year-old from it?  It is really starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband.  (The 10-year-old is his stepdaughter and 3-year-old is ours together.)  Not to mention the toll it is taking on my 3-year-old.  She loves her sister so much and wants nothing more than to spend time with her.  Her feelings get so hurt when her sister yells, screams, calls names, and tells her she hates her.  I have tried sending 10-year-old to her room, talking to her, taking things away, watching the situation and trying to stop it before it happens, but it happens so quickly, it’s hard to see it coming.  What can I do?

Answer

First of all, find a time when you and your husband can sit down and have a talk with your 10-year-old, without the 3 year old being present.  Calmly, each of you should tell her how sad and upset you feel when she yells and screams at her little sister.  The goal is to make her feel guilty about this behaviour and to understand that it is unacceptable.  Point out to her how awful it would be if you and your husband acted that way – toward her.  Ask her how she would feel if you yelled, screamed, and called her names.  Be specific describing such a situation to help her understand how bad she would feel.  Then make the point that her little sister feels the same way.
Tell her that she cannot continue yelling, screaming, and calling names, and that, if she does, she will be punished.  The punishment should be “time out” in a room alone for 15 minutes, with no fun activities available to her, following by apologizing to her sister.  Do this every time she acts inappropriately.  Each time, after her time out, sit her down and explain again why she must not act this way and that it is unacceptable.  Find out why she had “a meltdown.”  Help her find an alternate way that she could have handled the situation.  Have her practice it.  You may have to do this many, many times.

To stop verbal abuse you may need to use other forms of behaviour modification as well.  You must determine the need that your daughter’s behaviour fulfils and teach her a replacement behaviour.  For example, if she yells when her little sister uses her things, teach her to come to you with a single code word, and when she does, help her handle the situation.  This takes time.  If the child is severely out of control, then removing the child from the situation is required.  As you know, this may be easier said than done.  Behaviour modification should be started early.  You may need the help of a counsellor or psychiatrist to help you deal with this now before it escalates into physical abuse.  Hopefully your 10-year-old will learn to communicate the cause of her anger and get her needs met by doing so.  Unfortunately, children who get what they want because of misbehaviour are likely to continue and escalate such behaviour.

Your daughter may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or another disorder in tandem with Asperger’s.  Some theorists claim that ODD is a result of incomplete development; the ODD child has never completed the developmental tasks of normal children.  The child is stuck at the 2-year-old level of development and never grows out of it.  In this case, medical intervention may be necessary.

Another theory about ODD is that it is a result of negative interactions, possibly interactions that occur away from home.  This theory states that having successfully used anger and abuse as a way to get needs met, the Asperger’s child continues to use it.

ODD does not usually occur alone.  About 35% of ODD children have an affective disorder and 20% may have a mood disorder, such as Bipolar Disorder.  Other ODD children have personality or learning disorders.  It is imperative that your daughter is evaluated for other disorders, as this will be the key to treating her successfully.

Thanks for reading

Dave Angel

PS – I am now off work from my social work day job for a few days so will be working hard on the new Aspergers website. My plan is to complete it by the end of January but that may be a little optimistic so it may end up being ready in February. I really want this new site to offer so much more such as an easy-to-use parents forum, wider range of articles and information, educational online videos, easier methods of me communicating directly with parents and other things too. So please forgive any delays as I am becoming a bit of a perfectionist about getting it all done. But please keep your eyes open as I will keep updating you.

PPS – I have now reviewed the first 4 CD’s from the Total Transformation parenting program (http://tinyurl.com/643fs3) and will get these reviews on to the blog very soon.

Hi it’s Dave Angel again with your Tuesday Aspergers article. First up I think I owe more humble apologies as the “Blog Gremlins” (as one reader who emailed me amusingly put it!) struck again last week.

I went to a web guy in the USA who reiterated that the problem was a “browser issue” that meant some people were not able to view the article using Internet Explorer and similar browsers. But I also double checked with another web designer that I know out in Pakistan …

I’m glad that I did … as he tells a different story! Without going into boring micro-detail the problem seems to be when I cut and paste my articles that I have written from Microsoft Word on to the blog it messes something up.

So from now on I will use Microsoft Note Pad and this SHOULD solve the problem (but please continue to be patient as this whole thing is something of an experiment!) And to be doubly safe please read the blog using a Mozilla-based browser (e.g. Firefox, Safari or Netscape) and not Internet Explorer.

But the super good news is that when we move over to the new website early next year this and other such “teething” problems should disappear for good. I cannot wait to get on with just providing useful Aspergers information on a well designed and super-easy to use website. Instead of spending hours battling technical problems that I really don’t understand!

Anyway enough of the technical chat and on to this week’s article:

Question

I would like some tips on how to teach a younger sibling (age 3, not in school yet due to rural location) not to pick up unwanted behaviours from his brother.

Answer

You might be concerned that your 3-year-old will pick up unwanted behaviours because he might have Asperger’s Syndrome, also.  Asperger’s does, indeed, have a genetic component.

New research in the area of Asperger’s has shown that toddler siblings of autistic children are more likely to exhibit the same atypical behaviours as their brothers and sisters with autism, even when they don’t eventually develop the disorder.  Andy Shih, PhD, of the Baby Sibling Research Consortium, states that this increases the importance of careful monitoring of high-risk siblings of children with autism {or Asperger’s} for any signs of a disorder.  If one should occur, you are well-situated for early intervention.  If atypical behaviours occur, but there is no Asperger’s, you will feel relief at knowing that your second child does not have it.

If you have a child with Asperger’s, the odds are 50 to 100 times greater that your second child will be diagnosed with Asperger’s.  At the age of three, it might be difficult to tell if the child has Asperger’s.  Ask yourself the following:
•    Does your younger son have age-appropriate communication skills?
•    Does he follow his brother’s exact behaviours?

•    Is he overreacting to sensory stimuli (actions, lights, sounds)?  Does he cover his eyes or ears to avoid sensory stimuli?
If you answered “No” to these questions, your son is probably just imitating his older brother, and that is very common with siblings.  He might see his older brother as a role model, or he sees his brother getting a lot of attention for these behaviours, and he is imitating him to get some of the attention.

If you answered “Yes” to the above questions, consider having a professional, such as an Intervention Specialist or special education teacher, observe your three-year- old when he interacts with his brother, and when he is alone.  You might be thinking of waiting to see if your son outgrows these behaviours; however, if he does have Asperger’s Syndrome, you should begin early intervention.  Make sure that the professional you consult is experienced in assessing autism spectrum disorders, and that his experience specifically includes Asperger’s Syndrome.

In addition to obtaining the services of a behavioural professional, read the book Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families By Sandra L. Harris.  This book discusses explaining autism to your children, helping them express their thoughts and feelings, and helping them to play cooperatively.  Ms. Harris includes ways to look at and cope with the many challenges faced by families who are raising an autistic child.  Also this book addresses ways to sustain a marriage while coping with atypical child behaviours.  The book is brief, easy to read, and comprehend.  Also, it provides “case studies,” first-hand accounts of the difficulties faced by parents and siblings.

Your awareness of the sibling relationship, along with the help of a professional, and the book mentioned above will give you information and assistance to help with your three-year-old, if he, too, is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Stay in touch with the professional involved and re-read the book so that you can provide a comprehensive level of care for both your children.

Have a great Tuesday,
Dave Angel

Question

Why does my 4 1/2 year old always push his brother and will they ever have a ‘good’ relationship? Mostly, my question is how to discipline my son when this happens. Are timeouts appropriate?

A child with Asperger’s Syndrome exhibits many characteristics that have positive and negative effects on behavior. Children with Asperger’s have difficulty with social interactions and communication skills, which is why you see some problems in teaching your son how to interact with others, specifically his brother. It will take time and specific interventions before their relationship gets better, but, keep in mind that children without Asperger’s often have the same kinds of problems with siblings.

Regardless of whether or not your son has Asperger’s he can learn social skills to help him get along with his brother and others as well. Young children are very self-centered and often do not empathize with other children, so your son may not realize that pushing makes his brother uncomfortable. And, while your son is intelligent and may have language skills, chances are, at his age, he doesn’t know how to voice his wants and needs to his brother, so he pushes him instead.

Be realistic about your son’s level of maturity, but remember that he needs discipline and supervision. Watch him when he’s playing with his brother. Try to notice if he can pick up on verbal or physical clues his brother sends. Tell your son using a calm, quiet voice how you want him to behave. “Your brother wants to see how the truck works. Can you show him?” It helps to encourage a different activity immediately. Asperger’s children need to hear specific reasons why they should or shouldn’t do things, such as pushing. Just saying, “Mama doesn’t want you to do that” isn’t good enough. He needs to hear that if he hurts his brother, he will lose some play time. Use praise when he behaves well.

Be specific and set limits on inappropriate behavior, for both boys! Be consistent. If your son doesn’t stop an unacceptable behavior when asked to, remove him from the room for a few minutes. Make it clear that hurting someone, in any way, requires an apology and a kind deed to make up for the hurt. For example, he would have to apologize for pushing his brother and let his brother play with one of his toys for five minutes. Gradually, your son will stop pushing and learn to voice his wants and needs. In the meantime, if he cannot speak, using a picture communication system like PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) might work. With this system, he chooses a picture of something he wants or needs. Log on to www.pecs.com to find out more.

Explain to your other son what Asperger’s is and how it affects his brother. Use words that are appropriate to his age and ability to understand. Teach him to be patient. Praise him when he demonstrates patience and kindness. Teach him how to help his brother; he will model himself on you.

Also, be sure to have your son’s doctor check him over to make sure his medications are appropriate. He may be ready for Sensory Integration Training to help him become less sensitive to noise, light, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes.

It helps Asperger’s children if you can say “Yes” as often as possible and “No” or “Don’t do that” as little as possible. For example, if your son refuses to go to bed, ask him if he’d rather walk or be carried to bed. If he can’t or won’t make a decision, make it for him.

Progress may be slow, but it will occur. Be patient.

Dave Angel