I recently interviewed Dr. Lani Ravinovich on the subject of friendship and children with Aspergers. Dr. Ravinovich is a Licensed Psychologist that has worked with many children with Aspergers. She is a graduate of the California School of Professional Psychology (LA) and is trained in the PEERS Program (an evidence-based social skills program for adolescents with Asperger’s or High-Functioning Autism). And I want to share with you in this article 4 great tips from that interview:

1. The big problem – The major problem for children with Aspergers in developing friendships is that they really struggle to retrieve and decode non verbal social cues. And what that means in plain English is that they struggle to understand all of the non-verbal  things that are going on in a conversation such as eye contact, tone of voice, body language etc. Most people naturally take on board these type of cues to help them understand when it’s time to ask another question, whether you are talking for too long on a subject, whether the other person is bored etc. For a child with Aspergers this is a challenging area as they don’t naturally take on board all of these other factors. They are likely to focus on the words being said and little else, so miss out on the important signals that the other person is giving them.

2. Teaching social skills – This difficulty can be overcome for Children with Aspergers by very specific social skills teaching. This teaching needs to broken down into small topics and then carried out repetitively over time. For example you may want to teach your child the basics for getting to know a new child. Such as asking questions like:

What is your name?

What school do you attend?

What do you like to do?

The child should be given plenty of opportunity to practice and role play these skills at home and then be given support and help when trying them out at home or in the community. When this skill is mastered you can then work on another skill which may be inviting a friend to the house. And go through the stages of this with lots of role play. This process will tend to be slow and methodical, and need revisiting from time to time, but will be the most effective for your child.

3. Generalisation – As well as learning the skills the child also needs to be supported to be able to generalise these skills. So for example he may learn how to approach a friend at school to play one day, but then see the same child in the local park the next day. The chances are that the child with Aspergers won’t think to continue in the same way the next day and build on the friendship more. He may ignore the other child or not show him much interest. As the parent it is essential to discuss this with your child and help him to understand the need to continue being friendly to the child in this new situation.

4. The big role as the parent – The general viewpoint of schools is that they are there to teach academics, and anything else (i.e. social friendships) is a bonus. So as a parent you need to be proactive in helping your child develop social skills. There are many things that you can do such as:

· Ask that your child be given social support at lunch/recess in his IEP by a member of staff – as this is a very important time for social skills building

· Continue to advocate at all opportunities for your child’s social skill requirements in school

· Look for social skills classes in the area and become actively involved in them

· Work on social skills consistently and repetitively over time with your child.

I hope that this has been helpful and you can find out more about Dr. Lani Ravinovich at her website http://www.drlani.net/

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

P.S. The full interview with Dr. Ravinovich features in the first ever edition of Parenting Plus later this month.

You can find out more at http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/New-Developments.cfm

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Question

I want my son with Aspergers, who has now become an adult, to have a good network around him and a centre where he can go and get advice when needed. What can I do?

Answer

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

These ideas should help you and your son on your journey together to get him the help that he needs.

• Encourage your son to interact as much as possible with others. Interaction is not always welcomed when it comes to children with Aspergers.  He may resist interaction with others, but this is one of the fastest ways to meet new people that can become a part of his much needed support system.   He may be more receptive if he can interact with people that share a common interest.  If you know what your son likes, encourage him to participate in activities that he enjoys.

• Your son should join local and online Aspergers groups. This opportunity provides a great deal of support, and it can offer a chance to network with many people whom Aspergers affect.  These groups can be a part of his lifelong support system.  If your son is of school age, these organizations may be able to provide him with support while he is in school and college. There are many opportunities available so you and your son should begin surfing the Internet and browsing local papers to find such groups.

• There are opportunities to receive services from various support groups. Under federal laws, your son has certain rights to receive certain services.  If he is currently in school, your son can receive education services and all related services.  These related services can consist of counseling and therapy sessions that the schools are responsible for as long as the services are available through the school system. He is also entitled to certain support services while he attends college. Check your local and federal laws to determine which services are applicable.

• He may also use the support of a special needs counselor. Special needs counselors are trained professionals that are able to help your child with his support needs. These services are available through schools, and you may also find special needs counselors in your local community.

Your son has you as his primary sources of support, which is remarkable within itself.  Plan ahead so that your son receives the services that he needs throughout his life.   Consult with local Aspergers groups and those on online Aspergers groups to find the best support possible for your son.

Additional Resources

Relationship Development Intervention with Children, Adolescents and Adults – Social and Emotional Development Activities for Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD By Steven E. Gutstein and Rachelle K. Sheely

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For children with Asperger’s, social stories can be a wonderful teaching tool.  These stories are used to reduce anxiety, attitude, and behavioral problems, while breaking down difficult concepts in small chunks or steps.  This helps children with Asperger’s Syndrome comprehend these difficult concepts and complicated social situations.  You can create your own personal social stories using specific locations, individuals, and relevant details, or you can purchase books of basic social stories to use as is.

Since your child has Asperger’s, social stories can be used to help with your child’s actual trouble areas.  You can also use social stories to teach living skills, social skills, and organization.  The possibilities really are endless.  Chances are, if your child is stuck on a concept or struggling to understand a certain behavior, social stories can improve the situation.

How, exactly, do these Asperger’s social stories work?  Let’s look a couple of examples of basic social stories.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome often cannot hide negative emotions.  A social story about feeling sad might look something like this:

Sometimes I feel sad.  Sometimes I just cry.  Everyone feels sad for different reasons.  When I feel sad, I will tell my parents or my teacher.  I will use words that let them know why I feel sad or why I am crying.  We will talk about how I feel and why I feel this way.  They will help me feel better.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome sometimes do not understand the importance of good personal hygiene.  Here is a sample social story about taking a bath:

I need to wash my body before bed.  Sometimes I get dirty from playing.  Other times I do not look dirty, but I still need to be clean.  First, I fill the tub with warm water.  My mom will help me.  I get soap, a washcloth, a towel, and my clean clothes and place them close to the tub.  Next, I get undressed and get in the tub.  The warm water feels so good!

Then I take the washcloth and rub it with the soap. I use the soapy cloth to wash my body from head to toes.  When I am done, I let the water out of the tub and get out.  I use the towel to dry my body.  I get dressed in my clean clothes.  When I am done, I get a special story time with mom.

Finding appropriate Asperger’s social stories is as easy as visiting a bookstore or library.  The creator of social stories, Carol Gray, has several books available to purchase.  “The New Social Story Book: Revised and Expanded 10th Anniversary Edition”, is an excellent resource.  This updated version contains illustrations, which gives children the extra impact of a visual aid.  Before you know it, using social stories to explain situations to your child with Asperger’s will become second nature.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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For children and teens with Asperger’s, social skills are necessary, but usually lacking.  Finding resources for social skills training in the educational setting may be difficult in many areas.  If your son’s school offers social skills classes, social skills therapy, or peer mentoring, he should be participating.  If not, there may be public or community based programs, or even private therapy choices available.  These programs range in cost and availability and could be unattainable.  If this is the case, there are ways to teach these skills at home with very little cost.

Because this is so important, the Asperger’s social skills connection must be addressed as early as possible and continually supplemented as the child’s ability to understand improves with age.  Similar to basic manners, here are a few of the basic social skills that should be taught to children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

*    Personal hygiene-clean body, clean teeth, clean hair, clean clothes, etc.

*    Two way conversation-greeting, speaking, appropriate subjects, listening, answering, etc.

*    Telephone manners-salutations, listening, speaking, answering questions, taking messages, etc.

*    Table manners-using utensils, using a napkin, chewing, talking, excusing oneself, etc.

*    How to act appropriately in public-following public laws, dressing appropriately, keeping bodily functions private, being mindful of others, etc.

While teaching your child with Asperger’s social skills, you can easily incorporate basic living skills.  As your child enters the teen years, it becomes increasingly important that he knows how to manage not only himself, but also a household.  Beginning to teach basic chores and household management skills at his age will help prepare your son for his college years.  Here are a few examples of basic living skills.

*    Household chores-cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.

*    Financial-banking, paying bills, saving money, etc.

*    Maintenance-stocking groceries, changing air conditioner filters, mowing the lawn, etc.

You can teach your son with Asperger’s social skills at home by using visual and written schedules. For example, a visual aid that shows appropriate daily, weekly, and monthly hygiene will help your son keep track of what should be done, when it should be done, and how often it should be done.  You can also search the Internet of public library for books and videos to help you plan learning activities.  The video, “Manners for the Real World”, by Dan Coulter is geared towards children your son’s age.  It covers personal hygiene, table manners, telephone use, and much more.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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How do you get someone with Aspergers to recognise that the social skills that you are trying to teach them (often to no avail) are imperative if they are to get on in life with regard to finding friends, a job etc?  Children with Aspergers often seem in such a world of their own that they cannot appreciate the importance of those social skills. In our case, we have a teenager who thinks that they are always right anyway and so see no need to modify their behaviour.

The teenage years can be a trying time for parents and children alike.  As parents, we know that our teens have a lot of growing up to do.  As teenagers, our children cannot figure out how we made it to adulthood with so little knowledge and understanding!  The truth is, these years bring about difficult adjustments on both parties, and this happens whether or not you are dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome. 

Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome have lived through the elementary and middle school years and have struggled with social skills weaknesses all along.  Through years of classroom experiences, a social base has been built.  It may not be strong but it is there.  All you have to do is find a way to add to it.  The same is true for basic living skills.  Here are some suggestions you may find helpful.

* Instead of pushing your teen to recognize his need for these social and basic living skills, try building them into his daily schedule.  As the parent, you can require his participation in daily chores, personal hygiene, and even part-time employment. 

* Use calendars, written schedules, and visual daily lists to plan your teen’s daily commitments.  While it is true he may not appreciate having chores and planned responsibilities, chances are he will become accepting when faced with negative consequences.

* Reinforce your chore/responsibility requirements with rewards and consequences.  Be consistent. 

* Find resources to help you choose appropriate tasks/skills for your teen.  You can find books that are geared towards teens with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These books highlight the skills needed that may not come naturally.  One such book is “Social Skills Training for Children and Adolescents with Asperger Syndrome and Social-Communication Problems”, by Jed E. Baker.  This book identifies many of the skills that cause problems for teens with Asperger’s. 

Sometimes parents have to find sneaky ways to teach their children.  It sounds like this may be one of those times in your home.  One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is to bring in another trusted adult.  Involving a favorite teacher, a relative, church leader, or coach may help your teen see that these skills you have been pushing are indeed very important.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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How do you know when an child with Aspergers honestly understands what “talking back” means? Also, do AS young adults tend to talk “under” their breath (making comments that are not appropriate when confronted about a behavior etc.)?

Children with Asperger’s typically have a difficult time understanding how conversation and social interaction work. While neuro-typical children might develop a sense of what is an appropriate thing to say in a certain situation, children with Asperger’s have a very hard time with that …

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Take an example of a family with one or more people on the autism spectrum. Have you noted if interactions or meltdown avoidance parallel that of a codependent relationship?

The term co-dependent can be defined in slightly different ways, but in order to talk about it here, let’s define co-dependent as a parent (or other caregiver) perpetuating the meltdown behavior of a child with Asperger’s by working hard to avoid it. Parents often structure their daily lives around the needs of a child with Asperger’s. They try to create an environment where the child feels safe and where the child feels in control. Often, parents create this environment in part to avoid meltdown behavior …

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My 10 year really struggles with his hand writing, the school Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator has advised us buying a laptop for him. We are willing and able to do this, but I have many concerns not least the logistics of him coping with using it on a day to day basis. Running on battery and being able to charge it or to work with it plugged in (health and safety) If he is isn’t able to use it and has got used to it, how will he cope. Storing it safely when not in use at break or lunch. How his peers will view it, will they be jealous or see it as something else to tease him about. Obviously there will be a learning curve, he will no doubt have many “frustrations” with it. Should I persevere with his handwriting practise and think about the laptop for when he is older?

Many children struggle with handwriting and some have a very difficult time mastering it …

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Hi and welcome to this week’s Aspergers article about social skills –

Question

What is the best way to teach social skills to my adolescent son who has Aspergers?

Answer

Asperger’s Syndrome makes it hard for people to handle social situations.  It is important to remember that a person can appear socially comfortable, using proper speech, good behavior, and impeccable manners.  However, these things do not make a person socially able.  Having these qualities will not help with the real issues of socialization.  You have to find ways to teach basic, age appropriate social skills so your son will feel natural among his peers.

Social skills therapy is used to teach real interaction within a peer group.  At school, your son should be able to participate in a social skills group.  This type of therapy is guided by a therapist and includes kids in the same age and social ability ranges.  The therapist will initiate conversation within the group, and then have the kids practice some basic pre-scripted situations among themselves.  They are given the tools they need during therapy to use in real-life opportunities.

Some schools have peer group shadowing.  Peer shadowing enlists the aid of a select group from the general education population, preparing them to assist children with Asperger’s in the daily communication and interaction skills they are missing.  The shadows are trained to break down the normal conversations that they automatically understand and deliver the skills in a step-by-step fashion.  For example, the peer is taught to ask about another child’s day in simple terms and then how to respond in a straight-forward manner to keep the conversation going.  The child with Asperger’s is then able to mirror the behavior he sees coming from his peer.  The peer learns valuable lessons in tolerance while the child with Asperger’s learns the basic social skills he so desperately needs. Not only will your son learn how to deal with social situations this way, he will also get a chance to interact with kids at school that may have never given him a chance.

Social stories are a very popular option for teaching social skills.  More often thought about for younger kids, you can now find them written specifically for the needs of the adolescent or teen Asperger’s kids.  Some are even in comic book form.  Your son may find these interesting, easy to read and effective.  Plus, he will be in control of the situations he learns about.  As he ages, he probably will not want his parents to know everything about what he’s thinking on a social level.

“Social Success Workbook” by Barbara Cooper and Nancy Widdows, is a good way to give your son more control of the situation.  The most common topics, including social cues, emotions, and meltdowns are covered in this engaging workbook.

Direct involvement is one of the best ways to reach kids this age.  Give your son ownership by allowing his input when searching for answers.  Adolescence is the time to encourage a bit of independence.  Let him know that he can learn to handle and even enjoy relationships.
Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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How can I work out what expectations are realistic for my boy with Asperger’s and what potential he may have for the future (he’s 13)?

When a baby is born, his mother’s eyes hungrily take in all of the details. She sees so much more than the tiny infant in her arms. She sees all of her hopes and dreams for his future. As he grows, his mother’s hopes and dreams for him grow with him. She wants to see him be the best T-ball player he can be and when she watches him play, she sees the major league player of the future …

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Will my son with Asperger’s be able to cope with college?

More and more teens with Asperger’s Syndrome are graduating from high school and making a seamless transition to college. Adjusting to college can be a challenge for all teens. Your son will be no different in that aspect. There is every indication that your son will be able to modify his thinking with a few guidelines and some help from you …To read the full article go to: -

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How can I decide how to provide opportunities for independent adult living?

The goal in life that everyone strives for is independence. We all want our children to be independent, making their own plans and decisions. We offer excellent guidance and support from a very young age to prevent as much struggle to learn basic social skills and coping strategies as possible. As our children grow up, we must take the steps necessary to help them achieve the ultimate goal of independence …To read the full article go to: -

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Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post ….

Question

I need to help my child deal with friends and rejection of friends.  I want to be able to help my son fit in with his peers.

Answer

Everybody wants friends.  Friendships are what make us who we are developmentally, emotionally, and intellectually.  It starts when we’re babies.  Parents sit mesmerized, waiting for the baby to make eye contact, smile, and coo.  It’s the beginning of real, social connection.  From that moment, life is all about friends.

As little children, we spend most of our time trying to make and keep friends.  The early years of school continue to focus primarily on friendships, emphasizing socialization over academics.  Yet, children with Asperger’s Syndrome have genuine struggles making friends and keeping them.  This sets the stage for most of the obvious problems related to Asperger’s.

Your son should know that you are an available support for him when things happen that are beyond his control.  Asperger’s kids need structured, step-by-step guidelines to help them in sticky situations.  You can set up a plan for him to use when dealing with his friends and peers.

Use your son’s specific friendships to draw out your guidelines.  If he has a friend who is happy to play, but acts differently when others are around, he needs a plan of action on how to handle the situation.  This can be pretty typical behavior for kids when they fall into social cliques.  Help him make a list of “if-then” actions.

• If my friend is happy to play, then we’ll play together on the swings.

• If my friend calls me names in front of other kids, then I will play with someone else or tell my teacher.

• If my friend acts like he doesn’t know me, then I will tell him I don’t like how he is treating me.

Another example could be time on the playground.  Lay out the guidelines of acceptable behavior on the playground.  Give him examples of problems that may arise and write out guidelines on how to deal with these issues.  With practice your son will be able to replay his guidelines in his mind and put them into action.

• If a kid bullies you on the playground, tell the teacher as soon as possible.

• If a teacher doesn’t help you with a bully on the playground, tell another adult you trust as soon as you can.

• If the kids try to skip your turn on the slide, calmly tell them it is your turn. 

Rejection is tough for all of us.  There will be times when your son will be rejected.  It may be that his Asperger’s has nothing to do with the rejection. You can still have guidelines for dealing with rejection.  He should know what appropriate behavior is for a person who has been rejected.  Reassure him that this is normal and that everyone suffers from rejection at some point in life.

A book that may help your situation is “The Friendship Factor:  Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness” by Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D. and Andrea Thompson. 

This book will help you understand the importance of friendships in relation to all areas of development.  You can learn more about it at  http://www.mcssl.com/app/aftrack.asp?AFID=559699&u=www.asperger.net/bookstore_F112.htm

It will give you specific strategies you can use to help navigate the waters of friendship with your Asperger’s child.

Have a great day

Dave Angel

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I live in the USA and would love to find out about financial support and how to apply for it.

It’s difficult to advise you without knowing in which state you live. Please be aware that parents of Asperger’s children often have difficulty getting financial support as Asperger’s is often not recognized as a serious disability. It’s very unlikely that you will be able to get full financial support. However, there are some resources I can recommend …

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My son will strip off at times and swear — how can I stop these behaviors?

Because of an inability to control impulses, understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and empathize with others’ feelings, as well as experiencing nearly constant frustration in dealing with daily life, children with Asperger’s often behave inappropriately at home or in public. Stripping off is particularly inappropriate and is something about which you must be direct and forceful. Your son may …

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My son is still soiling himself. He wants to continue to play or do school work, and avoid pooping in the toilet or wiping himself until clean because it “takes too long.” What can I do?

I am assuming that your son is between the ages of 3 and 10. It is not at all unusual for children of this age, especially boys, to act this way, whether they have Asperger’s or not! In many schools this is a fairly common problem. Children will often …

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Hi there – Here’s this weeks blog post …

Question

My adult son is doing wonderful at college managing his courses and his job.  This past year he has even been developing new friendships.  However, he is not managing his finances well.  For a while he only had to pay for his car payment and insurance.  Now, he has also accumulated some credit cards and short-term loans.  While he lives away at school, his mail and bills come here–so I’ve been checking his mail.  He has not been paying his bills on time–I’ve had to make some payments for him.  He knows that I am holding him accountable to reimburse me.  How can I help him develop an organized budget system, while at the same time not offending him and turning him away from us?  It’s been difficult to get him to answer our phone calls and emails, and maintain that delicate balance of discussing these problems while maintaining our nice parent/son relationship.  I’d appreciate any advice or resources for this.

Answer

Congratulations on raising a well-adjusted, successful adult.  Leaving home, managing college courses, a job and developing new friends are all huge accomplishments for a person with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These types of life changes can be overwhelming for any young adult.

Going away to college creates feelings of newfound independence.  It is normal for your son to pull away a bit as he finds his own way.  Balancing this independence with the need for parental guidance may be difficult for all of you.  Assure your son that it is still your job to support him through life, no matter how old he is.  While you are willing to help in any way, you will expect him to take full control of his financial situation, just as he has taken control of the other areas of his life.  Paying his late bills for him will keep his credit report in good shape, but he will not learn to manage his money this way.

One way you can help from a distance is to find a good computer bookkeeping program.  These programs make budgeting and bill paying quick and easy.  Use the program yourself and recommend it to him.  This will help the encounter seem more equal-a genuine product review rather than a parent-to-child demand.  Encourage him to share this new information with any friends who may be struggling with their finances.  This is a common problem for college kids everywhere.  Sometimes the freedom is just overwhelming.  Once he has come up with a solution for his financial struggles, make sure he budgets for the money he owes on those late bills you paid.  Live and learn, right?

There are many things to learn at college other than that major being pursued.  This time of life can be stressful for the student and the family.  It is difficult to make life changes and they seldom go perfectly.   The book “Succeeding in College with Asperger Syndrome:  A Student Guide” by John Harpur, Maria Lawlor and Michael Fitzgerald will be a helpful guide that your son can refer to as often as necessary.

This book will answer many questions regarding life as a college student with Asperger’s.  Covering concepts such as studying, peer interaction, household chores, relationships and time management, this title takes on all aspects of life away from home from the perspective of both clinical applications and personal interviews with Asperger’s students.  You can learn more about it at

Have a great day

Dave Angel

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Can you give actual examples of behavior that demonstrate aspects of the “Triad of Impairment” in terms parents that parents can relate to. Terms used in diagnostic criteria such as ‘lack of appreciation of social cues’ could be illustrated by a very wide range of examples of real-life behavior, with which parents could identify.

This is the Triad of Impairment in Asperger’s Syndrome as it appears in the behavior of Asperger’s children and teens …

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How can I make his school more cooperative in working with me?

You must be your child’s advocate. If you are unable to do that or are ineffective, consider getting help from an advocate group. An advocate will attend school meetings with you, keep you informed about education law, and help you obtain …

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Video about Aspergers and meetings

This video features a young man in England. His video is all about how people with ASD are hugely disadvantaged in meetings. He talks about the problems for people with Aspergers in meetings …

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Hello there I hope you are having a good week so far. It’s literally freezing here in the UK but I guess it’s probably a lot more sub-zero elsewhere in the world; so I musn’t complain! This weeks article is below:

Question

How should I deal with my 12-year-old Asperger’s son now? Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit in” better?  By socialize, I mean look in a person’s eyes when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc.  Are these things even “teachable?”

Answer

Yes, those things are teachable!  And you should definitely work on them with your son.  This type of teaching should begin even earlier than age 12.  But, at age 12, your son is likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a younger age.

Teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult time during the teenage years.  They become isolated socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact that they act differently from others.  They long for friends, but have very weak social skills.  There are some teenagers who do well during these years, if they are indifferent to peer pressure and focused on a special interest of their own, such as music or computers.  Encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help him form friendships with other teens that have the same interest.

One of the biggest issues for most Asperger’s teens is that they don’t care about the usual fads, teen activities, and peer expectations.  Sometimes their interests are more appropriate for younger children.  Boys may be rejected if they are not interested in sports.  Some of these issues can be resolved by helping your son learn about fads, teen life, and sports.  Even if your son isn’t very interested or doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him understand his peers.  Teach him how to talk about celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories and role playing (see below).  Focus on teaching him how to speak briefly and then wait for the other person to respond before he speaks again.

Encourage your son to initiate contact with peers, leave phone messages, and arrange social activities.  Encourage him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special interest of his.  Some teens enjoy talking with other Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms, forums, and on message boards.

It helps “Aspies” if parents are involved in arranging social interactions with peers.  Parents should help organize and supervise appropriate activities.  Michelle Winner’s “Social Thinking Program,” which emphasizes how to join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common topics, develop social skills (eye contact, for example), and make friends by creating “Friend Files,” may help your son.

Behavioural Therapy with a counsellor also helps Aspies learn how to function.  Any kind of therapy takes effort on the part of the teenager and his parents.  The success of therapy depends on the teenager’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behaviour in a variety of settings.  Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or teachers.  Social Stories are a tool for teaching social skills to those with autism and related disabilities.  Social stories provide accurate information about situations that your son may find difficult or confusing.  A situation is described in detail and focus is placed on a few key points: important social cues, events and reactions the individual might expect to occur, the actions and reactions that might be expected of him, and why.  The goal is to increase the individual’s understanding of, make him more comfortable in, and teach some appropriate responses for that particular situation.

For more on social stories check out Dr. Carol Gray’s Social Stories, recommended by Dr. Tony Attwood, a world renowned expert on Asperger’s Syndrome.  You can read more at Social Stories

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – Several more articles I have added to the new website, which I am still working hard on to finally get finished for you to start using, include …

“Why is my son’s behavior unacceptable at school sometimes, whilst at home we have very few problems?”

“What is a quick way to explain to people when we are out why our son has outbursts? No one seems to care; people just think he is a rude child, and, that as parents, we are failures!”

“I am just trying to survive and balance time and finances with little outside help or understanding as I raise my boy as a single mom -any advice?”

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Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post. This week I’ve added some more articles to the new up-coming website which answer questions as varied as …

“My child with Aspergers is having problems with writing issues and small motor skills what can I do?”

“How do I help my 15 year old son with to cope with real life issues and not just live in a fantasy world?”, and …

“What is the best way for my son to learn how to navigate new social situations?”

Anyway as for this week’s question here it is …

Question

My biggest issue is my daughter’s inability to understand that you just don’t help yourself to other people’s things if yours don’t work or you can’t find yours.

Answer

You don’t say how old your daughter is and that makes a big difference!  If she is under 5, she probably can’t understand this concept yet.  But, if she is older than 5, you can help her learn it.

It would appear that your daughter steals because she doesn’t want to be bothered finding her own things or hers are not working, not because she just wants to collect things (as Aspies sometimes do) or to acquire an item that she doesn’t have.

Here are some techniques that may help:

• Teach her to store her own things always in the same places so that she is less likely to lose them.  If necessary, create a chart of where her things are stored that she can refer to when she is looking for them.

• Teach her a system of searching for something when she can’t find it.  For example, teach her all the places in each room of the house where she should look for an item.  Create a check sheet for her.

• Also, do some role playing with her to help her learn how to tell you when one of her things is broken.  Reassure her that if she will do that, you will help her get the item fixed or replaced.

• It might help to mark each person’s belongings with his or her name.  Then clearly explain to your daughter that she is not to take anything with another person’s name on it, without asking for permission first.  Unfortunately, this won’t be possible if she takes things at school or others’ homes.

• Your daughter with Asperger’s may have a hard time understanding how others feel when she “borrows” their things; that’s normal for an Aspie.  But, you should try to explain their feelings and keep reminding her that it’s wrong to hurt others by taking their things without permission.  Help her learn how to ask for permission to borrow an item.  Do this over and over.

• Explain the consequences of her actions, i.e.; people may not trust her;  she could lose friends; she may stop getting invited to others’ homes; she may feel nervous and guilty after taking something; she may hurt others’ feelings.

What to Do When She “Borrows” Without Permission

• Ask her for an explanation.

• State that she is not allowed to take things from other people. Do not lecture her.  Help her role play a better way to handle the situation.

• Never imply that she is bad.  Do not call her a thief, dishonest, or a liar or any other name that you do not want her to become.

• If she takes something (or borrows without permission), she must make restitution.  She must return the object, apologize, and say she will never do it again. You should accompany her on this errand.

• If she ever takes money, she must pay it back.  Have her do this by helping around the house to earn money.

• Reduce temptations.  If items are not left out in plain sight, there is less likelihood that they will be “borrowed” without permission.  Don’t leave money lying around.

Have a great week …

Dave Angel

PS – I was sent an excellent insight into what it is to be a teenager with Aspergers (written by a teenager) which I will try to post later this week … so watch out for an email on that.

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