Social Skills are THE big problem.

Example (from Barbara Cooper – therapist):

A 12 year old boy she knew got detention.

Surprised, as he NEVER broke the rules, she asked why . . .

The teacher had paired him with another child and asked them
to interview each other. The teacher said:

“OK get started, but remember no talking.”

(No talking beyond the actual task)

Being a good rule keeper – the boy with Asperger’s refused
to speak.

Took the teacher literally.

The result:

Detention for not doing his work.

And the worst bit?

He told Barbara “I don’t really understand it still. I don’t know
why I had to stay after school.”

Talk about misunderstanding, and unfair punishment.

Children with Asperger’s face these problems dozens of
times per day.

No wonder making friends, pleasing teachers, and getting good
grades is so hard.

However there are strategies to improve social skills.

Barbara revealed 7 when I interviewed her including . . .

*The BIG mistake to avoid when teaching social skills . . .

*A 5 minute exercise to change black & white thinking . . .

*THE best time to start teaching social skills . . .

* The little known friendship secret – an “aha” moment

* How to get your child to talk about their school day . . .

* 2 simple techniques to calm your child quickly . . .

* How to motivate your child to develop social skills

You can get my full interview with Barbara on The Parenting
Asperger’s Forum.

To improving social skills,

Dave Angel

Read a fascinating article on England in the 1500s.

Did you know for example:

# Most couples married in June.

They took their annual bath in May so still smelt OK (ish!)

Even so a month can be a while; so they had bouquets to improve
the smell.

Hence the flowers at weddings tradition.

# The rich had slate floors in their house. The poor just dirt.

So came the saying “dirt poor”.

# Thick straw roofs provided the warmest part of the home.

All the animals would snuggle up there.

When it rained and got slippy some would fall through.

Giving us the saying  “raining cats and dogs”

# Mostly the people ate veggies.

Occasionally pork – which showed wealth (the man of the house
would “bring home the bacon”).

With guests sharing the meat – sitting together literally
“chewing the fat”.

History lesson over!

Useful to know as kids with Asperger’s struggle with sayings
and phrases like these.

It may help them to know the history and logical back story.

Next time you get a quirky phrase try Googling its origins.

Can be a fun, shared experience too.

To   chewing the fat (literally),

Dave Angel

Question

How can I help my child deal with bullies and survive independently in school?

Answer

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome are often the subject of bullying in the school setting.  Some experts believe that the percentage of bullying among children on the Autism spectrum is near one hundred percent.  If asked, many parents will tell you that bullying is a major concern on a daily basis, which validates the numbers and percentages.

Have you ever been bullied?  Imagine the discomfort it must cause a child who already struggles with anxiety and possibly, depression.  The struggles brought on by bullying can easily lead to thoughts of suicide.  It truly is a vicious cycle.   As parents, it can be difficult to know the extent of discomfort the children are enduring.  It can also be difficult to understand the full scope of emotional scarring and trauma.  As the child’s main source of support, parents of children with Asperger’s Syndrome really need to be on top of their game.  Here are some ideas that may help you.

• Keep the lines of communication open with your child.  Make it a point to talk about everyday life.  Some of the best conversations happen while in the car.  In this setting the child is not pressured by eye contact and is able to relax a bit.  Not to mention that there is no way to escape!

• Make a point to stay connected with your child’s school administration.  An occasional, friendly email to your child’s teacher, therapist, or special education teacher can create an opening for you later when you need intervention.

• If your child seems especially bothered by talking to you, perhaps talking to someone a little more impersonal will help.  A school counselor or a private therapist can listen without the emotional charge of parenting.  Rest assured that a professional counselor will act in the face of true danger.

Many schools now have an Anti-bullying policy in effect.  While these policies will not eliminate all bullying, they do send a positive message, both within the school population as well as the community as a whole.  Your child must know his school’s policy on bullying situations, including what to do if he is a victim.  If there is no such policy at your child’s school, perhaps you can encourage the school to develop an anti-bullying policy.

I am currently writing more strategies to help children with Asperger’s when they’re being bullied, so watch out for this over the coming weeks. Also please add your thoughts, comments and experiences in the “Comments” box here on the blog.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

What are some good ways for my child with Aspergers to learn to get along with others and make friends?

Making and keeping friends can be difficult for children with Autism.  Weak social skills are one of the main reasons.  However, other characteristics come into play.  Difficulty breaking routines and schedules, sensory issues, and speech and language struggles are common issues for kids on the Autism spectrum and they all affect a person’s ability to develop strong relationships.

Even though many children with Autism tend to isolate themselves, it is safe to say that most have some level of desire for friendships.  It may be tough for your child and for you, but creating opportunities for your child to build friendships is definitely worth the effort.  Here are some ways you can help your child learn to socialize and make lasting friendships.

• Find group settings that are focused on topics of interest to your child.  Extracurricular clubs are perfect places to find friends with a common interest.  Clubs associated with school, such as art club, chess club, science club, and math club are good examples.  Community clubs like scout troops or community center activities are another example.

• Your local Autism support group may offer social skills classes, as well as topic related groups to help with socialization.  Take advantage of everything your support group has to offer.  It is a wonderful source.

• Private therapy can also be a help when teaching social skills.  Speech/language therapists and occupational therapists often add social skills to their therapy sessions.  Not everyone has access to private therapy.  However, if you do, ask your therapists specifically for help with social skills.
• Recreational sports can be a fun way to learn how to be a part of a team.  Recreational sports are not quite as competitive and often have special accommodations for children with Autism.

Children with Autism often learn best by example.  They can greatly benefit from peer mentoring.   Special needs preschools often incorporate typically developing children into their programs to help teach appropriate social responses.   You can use this concept in your home by modeling friend and social skills for your child with Autism.  Host supervised play dates with typically developing children in the neighborhood.

For a little extra help, the book  Friendly Facts:  A Fun, Interactive Resource to Help Children Explore the Complexities of Friends and Friendships by Margaret Carter and Josie Santomauro can help you better understand your child’s needs and can help you find ways to offer a remedy.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

I recently interviewed Dr. Lani Ravinovich on the subject of friendship and children with Aspergers. Dr. Ravinovich is a Licensed Psychologist that has worked with many children with Aspergers. She is a graduate of the California School of Professional Psychology (LA) and is trained in the PEERS Program (an evidence-based social skills program for adolescents with Asperger’s or High-Functioning Autism). And I want to share with you in this article 4 great tips from that interview:

1. The big problem – The major problem for children with Aspergers in developing friendships is that they really struggle to retrieve and decode non verbal social cues. And what that means in plain English is that they struggle to understand all of the non-verbal  things that are going on in a conversation such as eye contact, tone of voice, body language etc. Most people naturally take on board these type of cues to help them understand when it’s time to ask another question, whether you are talking for too long on a subject, whether the other person is bored etc. For a child with Aspergers this is a challenging area as they don’t naturally take on board all of these other factors. They are likely to focus on the words being said and little else, so miss out on the important signals that the other person is giving them.

2. Teaching social skills – This difficulty can be overcome for Children with Aspergers by very specific social skills teaching. This teaching needs to broken down into small topics and then carried out repetitively over time. For example you may want to teach your child the basics for getting to know a new child. Such as asking questions like:

What is your name?

What school do you attend?

What do you like to do?

The child should be given plenty of opportunity to practice and role play these skills at home and then be given support and help when trying them out at home or in the community. When this skill is mastered you can then work on another skill which may be inviting a friend to the house. And go through the stages of this with lots of role play. This process will tend to be slow and methodical, and need revisiting from time to time, but will be the most effective for your child.

3. Generalisation – As well as learning the skills the child also needs to be supported to be able to generalise these skills. So for example he may learn how to approach a friend at school to play one day, but then see the same child in the local park the next day. The chances are that the child with Aspergers won’t think to continue in the same way the next day and build on the friendship more. He may ignore the other child or not show him much interest. As the parent it is essential to discuss this with your child and help him to understand the need to continue being friendly to the child in this new situation.

4. The big role as the parent – The general viewpoint of schools is that they are there to teach academics, and anything else (i.e. social friendships) is a bonus. So as a parent you need to be proactive in helping your child develop social skills. There are many things that you can do such as:

· Ask that your child be given social support at lunch/recess in his IEP by a member of staff – as this is a very important time for social skills building

· Continue to advocate at all opportunities for your child’s social skill requirements in school

· Look for social skills classes in the area and become actively involved in them

· Work on social skills consistently and repetitively over time with your child.

I hope that this has been helpful and you can find out more about Dr. Lani Ravinovich at her website http://www.drlani.net/

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

Question

I want my son with Aspergers, who has now become an adult, to have a good network around him and a centre where he can go and get advice when needed. What can I do?

Answer

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

Your son with Aspergers can definitely live a normal life and receive the assistance that he needs to get advice.  There are many opportunities available that you and you son should consider in order to find the best help possible. Make sure that you make your son a part of the process since he will be the one utilizing these services.

These ideas should help you and your son on your journey together to get him the help that he needs.

• Encourage your son to interact as much as possible with others. Interaction is not always welcomed when it comes to children with Aspergers.  He may resist interaction with others, but this is one of the fastest ways to meet new people that can become a part of his much needed support system.   He may be more receptive if he can interact with people that share a common interest.  If you know what your son likes, encourage him to participate in activities that he enjoys.

• Your son should join local and online Aspergers groups. This opportunity provides a great deal of support, and it can offer a chance to network with many people whom Aspergers affect.  These groups can be a part of his lifelong support system.  If your son is of school age, these organizations may be able to provide him with support while he is in school and college. There are many opportunities available so you and your son should begin surfing the Internet and browsing local papers to find such groups.

• There are opportunities to receive services from various support groups. Under federal laws, your son has certain rights to receive certain services.  If he is currently in school, your son can receive education services and all related services.  These related services can consist of counseling and therapy sessions that the schools are responsible for as long as the services are available through the school system. He is also entitled to certain support services while he attends college. Check your local and federal laws to determine which services are applicable.

• He may also use the support of a special needs counselor. Special needs counselors are trained professionals that are able to help your child with his support needs. These services are available through schools, and you may also find special needs counselors in your local community.

Your son has you as his primary sources of support, which is remarkable within itself.  Plan ahead so that your son receives the services that he needs throughout his life.   Consult with local Aspergers groups and those on online Aspergers groups to find the best support possible for your son.

Additional Resources

Relationship Development Intervention with Children, Adolescents and Adults – Social and Emotional Development Activities for Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD By Steven E. Gutstein and Rachelle K. Sheely

For children with Asperger’s, social stories can be a wonderful teaching tool.  These stories are used to reduce anxiety, attitude, and behavioral problems, while breaking down difficult concepts in small chunks or steps.  This helps children with Asperger’s Syndrome comprehend these difficult concepts and complicated social situations.  You can create your own personal social stories using specific locations, individuals, and relevant details, or you can purchase books of basic social stories to use as is.

Since your child has Asperger’s, social stories can be used to help with your child’s actual trouble areas.  You can also use social stories to teach living skills, social skills, and organization.  The possibilities really are endless.  Chances are, if your child is stuck on a concept or struggling to understand a certain behavior, social stories can improve the situation.

How, exactly, do these Asperger’s social stories work?  Let’s look a couple of examples of basic social stories.  Children with Asperger’s Syndrome often cannot hide negative emotions.  A social story about feeling sad might look something like this:

Sometimes I feel sad.  Sometimes I just cry.  Everyone feels sad for different reasons.  When I feel sad, I will tell my parents or my teacher.  I will use words that let them know why I feel sad or why I am crying.  We will talk about how I feel and why I feel this way.  They will help me feel better.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome sometimes do not understand the importance of good personal hygiene.  Here is a sample social story about taking a bath:

I need to wash my body before bed.  Sometimes I get dirty from playing.  Other times I do not look dirty, but I still need to be clean.  First, I fill the tub with warm water.  My mom will help me.  I get soap, a washcloth, a towel, and my clean clothes and place them close to the tub.  Next, I get undressed and get in the tub.  The warm water feels so good!

Then I take the washcloth and rub it with the soap. I use the soapy cloth to wash my body from head to toes.  When I am done, I let the water out of the tub and get out.  I use the towel to dry my body.  I get dressed in my clean clothes.  When I am done, I get a special story time with mom.

Finding appropriate Asperger’s social stories is as easy as visiting a bookstore or library.  The creator of social stories, Carol Gray, has several books available to purchase.  “The New Social Story Book: Revised and Expanded 10th Anniversary Edition”, is an excellent resource.  This updated version contains illustrations, which gives children the extra impact of a visual aid.  Before you know it, using social stories to explain situations to your child with Asperger’s will become second nature.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

For children and teens with Asperger’s, social skills are necessary, but usually lacking.  Finding resources for social skills training in the educational setting may be difficult in many areas.  If your son’s school offers social skills classes, social skills therapy, or peer mentoring, he should be participating.  If not, there may be public or community based programs, or even private therapy choices available.  These programs range in cost and availability and could be unattainable.  If this is the case, there are ways to teach these skills at home with very little cost.

Because this is so important, the Asperger’s social skills connection must be addressed as early as possible and continually supplemented as the child’s ability to understand improves with age.  Similar to basic manners, here are a few of the basic social skills that should be taught to children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

*    Personal hygiene-clean body, clean teeth, clean hair, clean clothes, etc.

*    Two way conversation-greeting, speaking, appropriate subjects, listening, answering, etc.

*    Telephone manners-salutations, listening, speaking, answering questions, taking messages, etc.

*    Table manners-using utensils, using a napkin, chewing, talking, excusing oneself, etc.

*    How to act appropriately in public-following public laws, dressing appropriately, keeping bodily functions private, being mindful of others, etc.

While teaching your child with Asperger’s social skills, you can easily incorporate basic living skills.  As your child enters the teen years, it becomes increasingly important that he knows how to manage not only himself, but also a household.  Beginning to teach basic chores and household management skills at his age will help prepare your son for his college years.  Here are a few examples of basic living skills.

*    Household chores-cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.

*    Financial-banking, paying bills, saving money, etc.

*    Maintenance-stocking groceries, changing air conditioner filters, mowing the lawn, etc.

You can teach your son with Asperger’s social skills at home by using visual and written schedules. For example, a visual aid that shows appropriate daily, weekly, and monthly hygiene will help your son keep track of what should be done, when it should be done, and how often it should be done.  You can also search the Internet of public library for books and videos to help you plan learning activities.  The video, “Manners for the Real World”, by Dan Coulter is geared towards children your son’s age.  It covers personal hygiene, table manners, telephone use, and much more.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

============================================================

To watch this video go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/575.cfm

How do you get someone with Aspergers to recognise that the social skills that you are trying to teach them (often to no avail) are imperative if they are to get on in life with regard to finding friends, a job etc?  Children with Aspergers often seem in such a world of their own that they cannot appreciate the importance of those social skills. In our case, we have a teenager who thinks that they are always right anyway and so see no need to modify their behaviour.

The teenage years can be a trying time for parents and children alike.  As parents, we know that our teens have a lot of growing up to do.  As teenagers, our children cannot figure out how we made it to adulthood with so little knowledge and understanding!  The truth is, these years bring about difficult adjustments on both parties, and this happens whether or not you are dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome. 

Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome have lived through the elementary and middle school years and have struggled with social skills weaknesses all along.  Through years of classroom experiences, a social base has been built.  It may not be strong but it is there.  All you have to do is find a way to add to it.  The same is true for basic living skills.  Here are some suggestions you may find helpful.

* Instead of pushing your teen to recognize his need for these social and basic living skills, try building them into his daily schedule.  As the parent, you can require his participation in daily chores, personal hygiene, and even part-time employment. 

* Use calendars, written schedules, and visual daily lists to plan your teen’s daily commitments.  While it is true he may not appreciate having chores and planned responsibilities, chances are he will become accepting when faced with negative consequences.

* Reinforce your chore/responsibility requirements with rewards and consequences.  Be consistent. 

* Find resources to help you choose appropriate tasks/skills for your teen.  You can find books that are geared towards teens with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These books highlight the skills needed that may not come naturally.  One such book is “Social Skills Training for Children and Adolescents with Asperger Syndrome and Social-Communication Problems”, by Jed E. Baker.  This book identifies many of the skills that cause problems for teens with Asperger’s. 

Sometimes parents have to find sneaky ways to teach their children.  It sounds like this may be one of those times in your home.  One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is to bring in another trusted adult.  Involving a favorite teacher, a relative, church leader, or coach may help your teen see that these skills you have been pushing are indeed very important.

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

============================================================

Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

============================================================

How do you know when an child with Aspergers honestly understands what “talking back” means? Also, do AS young adults tend to talk “under” their breath (making comments that are not appropriate when confronted about a behavior etc.)?

Children with Asperger’s typically have a difficult time understanding how conversation and social interaction work. While neuro-typical children might develop a sense of what is an appropriate thing to say in a certain situation, children with Asperger’s have a very hard time with that …

To read this article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/523.cfm

==========================================================

Take an example of a family with one or more people on the autism spectrum. Have you noted if interactions or meltdown avoidance parallel that of a codependent relationship?

The term co-dependent can be defined in slightly different ways, but in order to talk about it here, let’s define co-dependent as a parent (or other caregiver) perpetuating the meltdown behavior of a child with Asperger’s by working hard to avoid it. Parents often structure their daily lives around the needs of a child with Asperger’s. They try to create an environment where the child feels safe and where the child feels in control. Often, parents create this environment in part to avoid meltdown behavior …

To read the full article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/522.cfm

============================================================

My 10 year really struggles with his hand writing, the school Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator has advised us buying a laptop for him. We are willing and able to do this, but I have many concerns not least the logistics of him coping with using it on a day to day basis. Running on battery and being able to charge it or to work with it plugged in (health and safety) If he is isn’t able to use it and has got used to it, how will he cope. Storing it safely when not in use at break or lunch. How his peers will view it, will they be jealous or see it as something else to tease him about. Obviously there will be a learning curve, he will no doubt have many “frustrations” with it. Should I persevere with his handwriting practise and think about the laptop for when he is older?

Many children struggle with handwriting and some have a very difficult time mastering it …

To read the full article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/521.cfm

============================================================

Hi and welcome to this week’s Aspergers article about social skills –

Question

What is the best way to teach social skills to my adolescent son who has Aspergers?

Answer

Asperger’s Syndrome makes it hard for people to handle social situations.  It is important to remember that a person can appear socially comfortable, using proper speech, good behavior, and impeccable manners.  However, these things do not make a person socially able.  Having these qualities will not help with the real issues of socialization.  You have to find ways to teach basic, age appropriate social skills so your son will feel natural among his peers.

Social skills therapy is used to teach real interaction within a peer group.  At school, your son should be able to participate in a social skills group.  This type of therapy is guided by a therapist and includes kids in the same age and social ability ranges.  The therapist will initiate conversation within the group, and then have the kids practice some basic pre-scripted situations among themselves.  They are given the tools they need during therapy to use in real-life opportunities.

Some schools have peer group shadowing.  Peer shadowing enlists the aid of a select group from the general education population, preparing them to assist children with Asperger’s in the daily communication and interaction skills they are missing.  The shadows are trained to break down the normal conversations that they automatically understand and deliver the skills in a step-by-step fashion.  For example, the peer is taught to ask about another child’s day in simple terms and then how to respond in a straight-forward manner to keep the conversation going.  The child with Asperger’s is then able to mirror the behavior he sees coming from his peer.  The peer learns valuable lessons in tolerance while the child with Asperger’s learns the basic social skills he so desperately needs. Not only will your son learn how to deal with social situations this way, he will also get a chance to interact with kids at school that may have never given him a chance.

Social stories are a very popular option for teaching social skills.  More often thought about for younger kids, you can now find them written specifically for the needs of the adolescent or teen Asperger’s kids.  Some are even in comic book form.  Your son may find these interesting, easy to read and effective.  Plus, he will be in control of the situations he learns about.  As he ages, he probably will not want his parents to know everything about what he’s thinking on a social level.

“Social Success Workbook” by Barbara Cooper and Nancy Widdows, is a good way to give your son more control of the situation.  The most common topics, including social cues, emotions, and meltdowns are covered in this engaging workbook.

Direct involvement is one of the best ways to reach kids this age.  Give your son ownership by allowing his input when searching for answers.  Adolescence is the time to encourage a bit of independence.  Let him know that he can learn to handle and even enjoy relationships.
Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

=============================================================

Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

=============================================================

How can I work out what expectations are realistic for my boy with Asperger’s and what potential he may have for the future (he’s 13)?

When a baby is born, his mother’s eyes hungrily take in all of the details. She sees so much more than the tiny infant in her arms. She sees all of her hopes and dreams for his future. As he grows, his mother’s hopes and dreams for him grow with him. She wants to see him be the best T-ball player he can be and when she watches him play, she sees the major league player of the future …

To read the full article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/402.cfm

============================================================

Will my son with Asperger’s be able to cope with college?

More and more teens with Asperger’s Syndrome are graduating from high school and making a seamless transition to college. Adjusting to college can be a challenge for all teens. Your son will be no different in that aspect. There is every indication that your son will be able to modify his thinking with a few guidelines and some help from you …To read the full article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/401.cfm

============================================================

How can I decide how to provide opportunities for independent adult living?

The goal in life that everyone strives for is independence. We all want our children to be independent, making their own plans and decisions. We offer excellent guidance and support from a very young age to prevent as much struggle to learn basic social skills and coping strategies as possible. As our children grow up, we must take the steps necessary to help them achieve the ultimate goal of independence …To read the full article go to: –

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/400.cfm
============================================================