Hi and welcome to this week’s Aspergers article about social skills –

Question

What is the best way to teach social skills to my adolescent son who has Aspergers?

Answer

Asperger’s Syndrome makes it hard for people to handle social situations.  It is important to remember that a person can appear socially comfortable, using proper speech, good behavior, and impeccable manners.  However, these things do not make a person socially able.  Having these qualities will not help with the real issues of socialization.  You have to find ways to teach basic, age appropriate social skills so your son will feel natural among his peers.

Social skills therapy is used to teach real interaction within a peer group.  At school, your son should be able to participate in a social skills group.  This type of therapy is guided by a therapist and includes kids in the same age and social ability ranges.  The therapist will initiate conversation within the group, and then have the kids practice some basic pre-scripted situations among themselves.  They are given the tools they need during therapy to use in real-life opportunities.

Some schools have peer group shadowing.  Peer shadowing enlists the aid of a select group from the general education population, preparing them to assist children with Asperger’s in the daily communication and interaction skills they are missing.  The shadows are trained to break down the normal conversations that they automatically understand and deliver the skills in a step-by-step fashion.  For example, the peer is taught to ask about another child’s day in simple terms and then how to respond in a straight-forward manner to keep the conversation going.  The child with Asperger’s is then able to mirror the behavior he sees coming from his peer.  The peer learns valuable lessons in tolerance while the child with Asperger’s learns the basic social skills he so desperately needs. Not only will your son learn how to deal with social situations this way, he will also get a chance to interact with kids at school that may have never given him a chance.

Social stories are a very popular option for teaching social skills.  More often thought about for younger kids, you can now find them written specifically for the needs of the adolescent or teen Asperger’s kids.  Some are even in comic book form.  Your son may find these interesting, easy to read and effective.  Plus, he will be in control of the situations he learns about.  As he ages, he probably will not want his parents to know everything about what he’s thinking on a social level.

“Social Success Workbook” by Barbara Cooper and Nancy Widdows, is a good way to give your son more control of the situation.  The most common topics, including social cues, emotions, and meltdowns are covered in this engaging workbook.

Direct involvement is one of the best ways to reach kids this age.  Give your son ownership by allowing his input when searching for answers.  Adolescence is the time to encourage a bit of independence.  Let him know that he can learn to handle and even enjoy relationships.
Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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How can I work out what expectations are realistic for my boy with Asperger’s and what potential he may have for the future (he’s 13)?

When a baby is born, his mother’s eyes hungrily take in all of the details. She sees so much more than the tiny infant in her arms. She sees all of her hopes and dreams for his future. As he grows, his mother’s hopes and dreams for him grow with him. She wants to see him be the best T-ball player he can be and when she watches him play, she sees the major league player of the future …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/402.cfm

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Will my son with Asperger’s be able to cope with college?

More and more teens with Asperger’s Syndrome are graduating from high school and making a seamless transition to college. Adjusting to college can be a challenge for all teens. Your son will be no different in that aspect. There is every indication that your son will be able to modify his thinking with a few guidelines and some help from you …To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/401.cfm

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How can I decide how to provide opportunities for independent adult living?

The goal in life that everyone strives for is independence. We all want our children to be independent, making their own plans and decisions. We offer excellent guidance and support from a very young age to prevent as much struggle to learn basic social skills and coping strategies as possible. As our children grow up, we must take the steps necessary to help them achieve the ultimate goal of independence …To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/400.cfm
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Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post ….

Question

I need to help my child deal with friends and rejection of friends.  I want to be able to help my son fit in with his peers.

Answer

Everybody wants friends.  Friendships are what make us who we are developmentally, emotionally, and intellectually.  It starts when we’re babies.  Parents sit mesmerized, waiting for the baby to make eye contact, smile, and coo.  It’s the beginning of real, social connection.  From that moment, life is all about friends.

As little children, we spend most of our time trying to make and keep friends.  The early years of school continue to focus primarily on friendships, emphasizing socialization over academics.  Yet, children with Asperger’s Syndrome have genuine struggles making friends and keeping them.  This sets the stage for most of the obvious problems related to Asperger’s.

Your son should know that you are an available support for him when things happen that are beyond his control.  Asperger’s kids need structured, step-by-step guidelines to help them in sticky situations.  You can set up a plan for him to use when dealing with his friends and peers.

Use your son’s specific friendships to draw out your guidelines.  If he has a friend who is happy to play, but acts differently when others are around, he needs a plan of action on how to handle the situation.  This can be pretty typical behavior for kids when they fall into social cliques.  Help him make a list of “if-then” actions.

• If my friend is happy to play, then we’ll play together on the swings.

• If my friend calls me names in front of other kids, then I will play with someone else or tell my teacher.

• If my friend acts like he doesn’t know me, then I will tell him I don’t like how he is treating me.

Another example could be time on the playground.  Lay out the guidelines of acceptable behavior on the playground.  Give him examples of problems that may arise and write out guidelines on how to deal with these issues.  With practice your son will be able to replay his guidelines in his mind and put them into action.

• If a kid bullies you on the playground, tell the teacher as soon as possible.

• If a teacher doesn’t help you with a bully on the playground, tell another adult you trust as soon as you can.

• If the kids try to skip your turn on the slide, calmly tell them it is your turn. 

Rejection is tough for all of us.  There will be times when your son will be rejected.  It may be that his Asperger’s has nothing to do with the rejection. You can still have guidelines for dealing with rejection.  He should know what appropriate behavior is for a person who has been rejected.  Reassure him that this is normal and that everyone suffers from rejection at some point in life.

A book that may help your situation is “The Friendship Factor:  Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness” by Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D. and Andrea Thompson. 

This book will help you understand the importance of friendships in relation to all areas of development.  You can learn more about it at  http://www.mcssl.com/app/aftrack.asp?AFID=559699&u=www.asperger.net/bookstore_F112.htm

It will give you specific strategies you can use to help navigate the waters of friendship with your Asperger’s child.

Have a great day

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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I live in the USA and would love to find out about financial support and how to apply for it.

It’s difficult to advise you without knowing in which state you live. Please be aware that parents of Asperger’s children often have difficulty getting financial support as Asperger’s is often not recognized as a serious disability. It’s very unlikely that you will be able to get full financial support. However, there are some resources I can recommend …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/260.cfm
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My son will strip off at times and swear — how can I stop these behaviors?

Because of an inability to control impulses, understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and empathize with others’ feelings, as well as experiencing nearly constant frustration in dealing with daily life, children with Asperger’s often behave inappropriately at home or in public. Stripping off is particularly inappropriate and is something about which you must be direct and forceful. Your son may …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/259.cfm
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My son is still soiling himself. He wants to continue to play or do school work, and avoid pooping in the toilet or wiping himself until clean because it “takes too long.” What can I do?

I am assuming that your son is between the ages of 3 and 10. It is not at all unusual for children of this age, especially boys, to act this way, whether they have Asperger’s or not! In many schools this is a fairly common problem. Children will often …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/258.cfm
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Hi there – Here’s this weeks blog post …

Question

My adult son is doing wonderful at college managing his courses and his job.  This past year he has even been developing new friendships.  However, he is not managing his finances well.  For a while he only had to pay for his car payment and insurance.  Now, he has also accumulated some credit cards and short-term loans.  While he lives away at school, his mail and bills come here–so I’ve been checking his mail.  He has not been paying his bills on time–I’ve had to make some payments for him.  He knows that I am holding him accountable to reimburse me.  How can I help him develop an organized budget system, while at the same time not offending him and turning him away from us?  It’s been difficult to get him to answer our phone calls and emails, and maintain that delicate balance of discussing these problems while maintaining our nice parent/son relationship.  I’d appreciate any advice or resources for this.

Answer

Congratulations on raising a well-adjusted, successful adult.  Leaving home, managing college courses, a job and developing new friends are all huge accomplishments for a person with Asperger’s Syndrome.  These types of life changes can be overwhelming for any young adult.

Going away to college creates feelings of newfound independence.  It is normal for your son to pull away a bit as he finds his own way.  Balancing this independence with the need for parental guidance may be difficult for all of you.  Assure your son that it is still your job to support him through life, no matter how old he is.  While you are willing to help in any way, you will expect him to take full control of his financial situation, just as he has taken control of the other areas of his life.  Paying his late bills for him will keep his credit report in good shape, but he will not learn to manage his money this way.

One way you can help from a distance is to find a good computer bookkeeping program.  These programs make budgeting and bill paying quick and easy.  Use the program yourself and recommend it to him.  This will help the encounter seem more equal-a genuine product review rather than a parent-to-child demand.  Encourage him to share this new information with any friends who may be struggling with their finances.  This is a common problem for college kids everywhere.  Sometimes the freedom is just overwhelming.  Once he has come up with a solution for his financial struggles, make sure he budgets for the money he owes on those late bills you paid.  Live and learn, right?

There are many things to learn at college other than that major being pursued.  This time of life can be stressful for the student and the family.  It is difficult to make life changes and they seldom go perfectly.   The book “Succeeding in College with Asperger Syndrome:  A Student Guide” by John Harpur, Maria Lawlor and Michael Fitzgerald will be a helpful guide that your son can refer to as often as necessary.

This book will answer many questions regarding life as a college student with Asperger’s.  Covering concepts such as studying, peer interaction, household chores, relationships and time management, this title takes on all aspects of life away from home from the perspective of both clinical applications and personal interviews with Asperger’s students.  You can learn more about it at

Have a great day

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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Can you give actual examples of behavior that demonstrate aspects of the “Triad of Impairment” in terms parents that parents can relate to. Terms used in diagnostic criteria such as ‘lack of appreciation of social cues’ could be illustrated by a very wide range of examples of real-life behavior, with which parents could identify.

This is the Triad of Impairment in Asperger’s Syndrome as it appears in the behavior of Asperger’s children and teens …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/257.cfm

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How can I make his school more cooperative in working with me?

You must be your child’s advocate. If you are unable to do that or are ineffective, consider getting help from an advocate group. An advocate will attend school meetings with you, keep you informed about education law, and help you obtain …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/256.cfm

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Video about Aspergers and meetings

This video features a young man in England. His video is all about how people with ASD are hugely disadvantaged in meetings. He talks about the problems for people with Aspergers in meetings …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/255.cfm
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Hello there I hope you are having a good week so far. It’s literally freezing here in the UK but I guess it’s probably a lot more sub-zero elsewhere in the world; so I musn’t complain! This weeks article is below:

Question

How should I deal with my 12-year-old Asperger’s son now? Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit in” better?  By socialize, I mean look in a person’s eyes when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc.  Are these things even “teachable?”

Answer

Yes, those things are teachable!  And you should definitely work on them with your son.  This type of teaching should begin even earlier than age 12.  But, at age 12, your son is likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a younger age.

Teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult time during the teenage years.  They become isolated socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact that they act differently from others.  They long for friends, but have very weak social skills.  There are some teenagers who do well during these years, if they are indifferent to peer pressure and focused on a special interest of their own, such as music or computers.  Encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help him form friendships with other teens that have the same interest.

One of the biggest issues for most Asperger’s teens is that they don’t care about the usual fads, teen activities, and peer expectations.  Sometimes their interests are more appropriate for younger children.  Boys may be rejected if they are not interested in sports.  Some of these issues can be resolved by helping your son learn about fads, teen life, and sports.  Even if your son isn’t very interested or doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him understand his peers.  Teach him how to talk about celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories and role playing (see below).  Focus on teaching him how to speak briefly and then wait for the other person to respond before he speaks again.

Encourage your son to initiate contact with peers, leave phone messages, and arrange social activities.  Encourage him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special interest of his.  Some teens enjoy talking with other Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms, forums, and on message boards.

It helps “Aspies” if parents are involved in arranging social interactions with peers.  Parents should help organize and supervise appropriate activities.  Michelle Winner’s “Social Thinking Program,” which emphasizes how to join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common topics, develop social skills (eye contact, for example), and make friends by creating “Friend Files,” may help your son.

Behavioural Therapy with a counsellor also helps Aspies learn how to function.  Any kind of therapy takes effort on the part of the teenager and his parents.  The success of therapy depends on the teenager’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behaviour in a variety of settings.  Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or teachers.  Social Stories are a tool for teaching social skills to those with autism and related disabilities.  Social stories provide accurate information about situations that your son may find difficult or confusing.  A situation is described in detail and focus is placed on a few key points: important social cues, events and reactions the individual might expect to occur, the actions and reactions that might be expected of him, and why.  The goal is to increase the individual’s understanding of, make him more comfortable in, and teach some appropriate responses for that particular situation.

For more on social stories check out Dr. Carol Gray’s Social Stories, recommended by Dr. Tony Attwood, a world renowned expert on Asperger’s Syndrome.  You can read more at Social Stories

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – Several more articles I have added to the new website, which I am still working hard on to finally get finished for you to start using, include …

“Why is my son’s behavior unacceptable at school sometimes, whilst at home we have very few problems?”

“What is a quick way to explain to people when we are out why our son has outbursts? No one seems to care; people just think he is a rude child, and, that as parents, we are failures!”

“I am just trying to survive and balance time and finances with little outside help or understanding as I raise my boy as a single mom -any advice?”

Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post. This week I’ve added some more articles to the new up-coming website which answer questions as varied as …

“My child with Aspergers is having problems with writing issues and small motor skills what can I do?”

“How do I help my 15 year old son with to cope with real life issues and not just live in a fantasy world?”, and …

“What is the best way for my son to learn how to navigate new social situations?”

Anyway as for this week’s question here it is …

Question

My biggest issue is my daughter’s inability to understand that you just don’t help yourself to other people’s things if yours don’t work or you can’t find yours.

Answer

You don’t say how old your daughter is and that makes a big difference!  If she is under 5, she probably can’t understand this concept yet.  But, if she is older than 5, you can help her learn it.

It would appear that your daughter steals because she doesn’t want to be bothered finding her own things or hers are not working, not because she just wants to collect things (as Aspies sometimes do) or to acquire an item that she doesn’t have.

Here are some techniques that may help:

• Teach her to store her own things always in the same places so that she is less likely to lose them.  If necessary, create a chart of where her things are stored that she can refer to when she is looking for them.

• Teach her a system of searching for something when she can’t find it.  For example, teach her all the places in each room of the house where she should look for an item.  Create a check sheet for her.

• Also, do some role playing with her to help her learn how to tell you when one of her things is broken.  Reassure her that if she will do that, you will help her get the item fixed or replaced.

• It might help to mark each person’s belongings with his or her name.  Then clearly explain to your daughter that she is not to take anything with another person’s name on it, without asking for permission first.  Unfortunately, this won’t be possible if she takes things at school or others’ homes.

• Your daughter with Asperger’s may have a hard time understanding how others feel when she “borrows” their things; that’s normal for an Aspie.  But, you should try to explain their feelings and keep reminding her that it’s wrong to hurt others by taking their things without permission.  Help her learn how to ask for permission to borrow an item.  Do this over and over.

• Explain the consequences of her actions, i.e.; people may not trust her;  she could lose friends; she may stop getting invited to others’ homes; she may feel nervous and guilty after taking something; she may hurt others’ feelings.

What to Do When She “Borrows” Without Permission

• Ask her for an explanation.

• State that she is not allowed to take things from other people. Do not lecture her.  Help her role play a better way to handle the situation.

• Never imply that she is bad.  Do not call her a thief, dishonest, or a liar or any other name that you do not want her to become.

• If she takes something (or borrows without permission), she must make restitution.  She must return the object, apologize, and say she will never do it again. You should accompany her on this errand.

• If she ever takes money, she must pay it back.  Have her do this by helping around the house to earn money.

• Reduce temptations.  If items are not left out in plain sight, there is less likelihood that they will be “borrowed” without permission.  Don’t leave money lying around.

Have a great week …

Dave Angel

PS – I was sent an excellent insight into what it is to be a teenager with Aspergers (written by a teenager) which I will try to post later this week … so watch out for an email on that.

Hi there – it’s Tuesday and that can only mean one thing; your latest Aspergers article. So with no further pre-amble here it is …

Question

My son is 5 years old with Asperger’s. He really does well with a routine.  My husband, his dad, has had to take the night shift at work. We did not have much notice.  My son is taking this extremely hard.  I always have had time to prepare him for any big changes in our life in the past.  How can I help him deal with this abrupt change?  This has been one of the biggest challenges I have had to face.

Answer

To begin on a positive note, it’s good that your son does well with a routine.  This indicates that you have constructive knowledge of your son’s behavior.  You know his range of behavior, how he reacts to various situations, and the type of environment he does well in.

Unfortunately, even the most routine situations do not remain consistent.  Sometimes, the changes are planned, such as a job change or a move to a new home.  Other times, the changes are abrupt, like your husband’s night shift change at work.  Many changes are beyond our control.  When these changes occur, they set into motion reactions in the home, especially reactions by Asperger’s children who dread a change in routine terribly.

Parents of Asperger’s children have described their reactions to change as follows:

Anguish – Worry and anxiety over the possible consequences of an event;

Ballistic – Sudden, often violent, reactions to change;

Despair – Remorseful, resigned behavior to a perceived tragedy;

Meltdown – Catastrophic behavior; as if “the world is coming to an end;”

Obsessive – A concentrated focus on the changing event to the exclusion of all else.

The component that drives this behavior is fear.  Asperger’s children fear spontaneity and change because they have an inability to understand why change occurs and how to cope with change.  To an Aspie child, routine is heaven, change is hell.

One important aspect of this behavior is that unorthodox behavior is not intentional; it results from the person expressing an honest reaction to changes in their environment.  Therefore, you need to understand that your son will not immediately understand and accept your husband’s shift change at work.  Try explaining the situation to your son slowly and repeatedly, and in simple terms.  Tell him that, although your husband’s shift has changed, other situations at home will remain the same.  Explain why the shift change took place.  In addition, tell him that some routines might change, but others won’t.  Encourage him to ask questions in advance of any changes, and answer them in concrete terms so that he has a sense of security before any more changes occur in your home.

Separation Anxiety:  A Major Issue

Based on what you have told us in your question, a large part of your son’s problem is due to separation anxiety.  This is an issue for all children, regardless of age or medical diagnosis, and it is seen in approximately 4% of the child population.

In the context of your son’s situation, separation anxiety is defined as excessive anxiety about becoming separated from you, your husband, and any siblings that might be in the home.  Some of the symptoms seen in separation anxiety are withdrawal, depression, and difficulty concentrating.  Children experiencing separation anxiety often exhibit generalized fear, anxiety over the possibility of death, and recurrent nightmares.  Granted, all children experience separation anxiety at some point; however, it is more serious in Asperger’s children.

The Treatment of Separation Anxiety

In older children, separation anxiety is treated with psychotherapy and/or medication.  As an alternative, doctors recommend relaxation techniques and deep breathing accompanied by homeopathic remedies, which are less harmful to children than prescription medication.  You could look into using medication if your son’s symptoms are extremely bad, but, if possible, try to avoid it.  Counselling will help if needed.

Ask your husband to spend a period of time with your son before he leaves for work and upon his return.  This will help your son adjust to the new routine.  Your husband can reassure him that he will return and at what time. He can praise your son for dealing with a difficult situation.  Perhaps your husband could call once each evening to reassure your son that he will be home soon.  A picture of his father or a personal item of his father’s may also reassure him.

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – A quick update on the new website. This week I’ve been adding some great videos to the website including several really insightful interviews with young people who have Aspergers explaining how they experience the world. As ever keep your eyes peeled for the announcement of when the site is actually live, complete and ready to go.

Hi and welcome to the first Aspergers blog post of 2009; and here it is …
Question

Social Stories: what is the best way to teach social stories, by parents, a therapist, or in a peer group setting?  Are there good resources for the homeschooler?

Answer

Social stories can be effectively used to teach appropriate behaviour in a variety of settings.  Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or in peer group settings.  Homeschooling parents often use social stories effectively.  Social stories are used to address the following psychological and social symptoms:

• Feelings of isolation from others;
• A lack of imagination in play or expression;
• Consistent shyness, anxiety, and unhappiness;
• Depression during the years of adolescence and early adulthood;
• Obsessions, including irrational fears and anxieties;
• Timidity;
• Difficulty in relationships with others.

The Importance of Social Stories

Social Stories are a teaching device for children.  The stories are used to teach everyday social skills to children who have a diagnosis of autism or a related disability.  The stories contain accurate and useful information for someone encountering situations that they may find difficult or confusing.  The stories approach a topic by describing it in explicit detail and focus on teachable skills needed within the story.  A typical social story will discuss a given situation, how someone is expected to react in that situation, and why the reactions are appropriate.

Deciding on an Appropriate Social Story

Social stories are individualized in that each child is seen as an individual whose problems accompany a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome or high-functioning autism (AS/HFA).

An appropriate social story captures the areas of the child’s life that are challenging.  The child’s behaviour is evaluated by parents and teachers at home, in public, and at school.  Parents, teachers, and therapists look at the child’s tantrums, withdrawal, social, and escape behaviours.  They target these behaviors, and use a social story that addresses the behaviors.

Here is a sample Social Story obtained from: http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/introduction.html

Lining Up
At school, we sometimes line up.
We line up to go to the gym, to go to the library, and to go out to recess.
Sometimes my friends and I get excited when we line up, because we’re going someplace fun, like out to recess.
It is okay to get excited, but it is important to try to walk to the line. Running can cause accidents, and my friends or I could get hurt.
I will try to walk to the line.  (The behavioural goal for the Aspie.)
As you can see, Social Stories are short and to the point.  They are structured to describe social situations, explicitly describing what the child with Asperger’s can expect from the situation, and what society expects of the child.

The Benefits of Social Stories

Social Stories are beneficial in that they focus on “theory of mind” impairments (i.e.; mindblindness), which are inabilities to understand the feelings and behaviours of other people.  In addition, social stories not only provide information about social situations, but help the Aspie learn how to handle them.

Socially relevant information (like Social Stories) with illustrations and text, have been shown to be effective with Aspies.  In conclusion, Social Stories provide the opportunity for the child to practice needed skills and can be used by parents, teachers, and therapists.

You should consider using Dr. Carol Gray’s Social Stories, recommended by Dr. Tony Attwood, a world renowned expert on Asperger’s Syndrome.  You can read about it at … Social Stories

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – The new website continues to grow daily and I have to say I think it’s a really exciting project that you are really going to enjoy. Yesterday I spent a few hours adding all the back-dated copies of the monthly Autism/Aspergers newsletter to the site. I was surprised that there have already been 25 copies; and there are some real gems of information in there (and to be honest I had forgotten writing half of it!) As ever I’ll keep updating you – but I am Really hoping to have it all done by February.

Hi there – It’s time for your Aspergers parenting article again. Some times 7 days swings around so quick – it seems like I barely left my keyboard here!

Anyway the Christmas season is upon us – and being the devoted dad I am I took my little girl down to the local library for Christmas story time and a “Mystery Special Guest” appearance today! After a long walk down in the freezing cold we got there and I re-read the leaflet which said it was on the 9th December! Oops! Fortunately we did manage to do some impressive Christmas Tree drawing with the kind library staff – so all was not lost!

Oh and talking of Christmas I am going to try and dig out several free reports that I have previously written about the Christmas season and children with ASD and put them on the web – so look for an email on that. Anyway seasonal frivolities over with; here’s this week’s article … (there are several links to books in there but for some unknown reason they are not working if you click them – so just copy and paste the links into your browser box at the top of your screen to visit the sites).

Question

Please can you tell me about girls with Asperger’s and their friends and relationships?

Answer

People who study and treat Asperger’s Syndrome state that the number of girls with Asperger’s is equal to that of boys; however, the girls are not diagnosed as often because the syndrome presents itself differently in girls.  The common behaviours seen in both girls and boys with Asperger’s are as follows:
•    Difficulty reading social cues and body language
•    Problems with social skills
•    Demonstrating impatience
•    Difficulty developing empathy for others
A notable difference between girls and boys with Asperger’s is that boys will act out aggressively when they are frustrated.  As a result, they get attention from adults while the girls remain silent about their frustrations.  The girls appear to be shy or passive and adults overlook their problems; they have average or above-average intelligence that helps to hide their social awkwardness.

There is a book entitled Pretending To Be Normal; it is an autobiography written by Liane Holliday-Willey, who has Asperger’s Syndrome ( you can read more about it at http://tinyurl.com/5fpb5a). It discusses the difficulties that girls have with Asperger’s.  The thesis of the book is that girls do not understand how to process their feelings and express their emotions in socially acceptable ways.  As a result, they become people pleasers.  They are seen with smiles on their faces that mask the problems they are having.  There are many social scientists who believe that girls are better at camouflaging their disorder because they are socialized to be passive and submissive.

Passivity isn’t the only detectable symptom of Asperger’s Syndrome in females.  Young women with Asperger’s learn to mimic the behaviours of other children, and this happens when there are role models present.  If no role models are available, girls with Asperger’s do not learn proper behaviour; they will learn behavioural “scripts” that facilitate their interactions with other people.  Also, they might use dolls as substitute friends and create their own insulated lives with their dolls.
During the elementary school years, girls with Asperger’s will find one good friend who is matronly.  This friend becomes the link between the girl and the outside world.  This friend can provide support and encouragement to the girl, but, if the friend moves away, the girl with Asperger’s can experience extremely negative consequences.

The sooner that a young girl is properly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, the sooner she can obtain professional help.  With the support of a doctor and friends, she can learn appropriate, socially acceptable behaviors.  Also, she can develop independent living skills.

To begin helping a girl with Asperger’s, read the book Girls Under The Umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders: Practical Solutions for Addressing Everyday Challenges by Lori Ernsperger, Ph.D., and Danielle Wendel ( just go to http://tinyurl.com/5qvkky to find more about it).  This book was authored by an experienced professional and a mother of a young girl on the autism spectrum.  The authors provide insightful, first-hand accounts of girls’ lives along with research-based strategies and practical techniques for addressing the unique needs of girls on the spectrum while nurturing their gifts and talents.

Thanks for reading
Dave Angel

PS – I’ve not had chance to listen to any of the Total Transformation Program yet on CD as my car stereo blew up last week – but I aim to use my wife’s car this week so I will start reviewing the audio program soon! You can check it out in the mean time at http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

PPS – The new Aspergers site is still evolving as we spoke; I hope to have it all ready some time in January. I’ve been splitting the site up into different sections; which all contain lots of different related articles. Some of the sections I’ve added so far are social skills, gaining independence, siblings issues, sex and sexuality, and education.

Hi there Dave Angel here with a quick update on Sunday. I’ve had a few emails asking me to re-post the social skills article from last month that didn’t work properly. So here it is … If you need any more articles re-posting let me know. Thanks and sorry to intrude on your Sunday, Dave.

Question

I would like to know how to advise my son on social skills, such as making friends without being insulting to others.

Answer

One of the behavioural traits seen in children with Asperger’s Syndrome is a lack of empathy. They don’t realize that other people have thoughts and interests that are different from theirs. They’ll interrupt a conversation and start churning out facts about their pet interest – which could be something like medieval history, Star Wars’ trivia, or math – even if it has nothing to do with what the other children are talking about. This and their lack of other social skills, such as looking others in the eyes when conversing, responding appropriately to greetings and questions, and understanding fads and the interests of peers makes making friends very difficult for Asperger’s children.

With some Asperger’s children, social abilities remain intact or aren’t really noticed until around age eight. It is around this time that their classmates begin perceiving them as “different.” The child is singled out for teasing. In addition, the child may be seen as oppositional because children with Asperger’s Syndrome take words and gestures very literally. Communication with Asperger’s children must be “concrete” (brief and easily understood).

Your son can be taught most of the same social skills that children without Asperger’s learn on their own. You can work with your son’s school to produce cards or posters with facial expressions that define feelings. Also, full-length mirrors can be used to make children aware of their facial expressions and overall body language. You and his teachers can role play social situations with him to help him learn appropriate responses and actions.

Speaking of schools, it is unfortunate that there are few schools fully equipped to help children with Asperger’s Syndrome. The number of schools with diagnostically appropriate services will increase when parents, doctors, and social service practitioners lobby educational institutions for assistance in teaching Asperger’s children.

Until the school provides more assistance with your son, there are a number of things that you can do at home. You can surround your son with friends and family so he will have familiar people around on a consistent basis. If your son is intimidated by a large number of people, just have one friend over at a time.

In addition to friends, you can train your son in appropriate social and perceptual skills. He can learn to perceive and interpret nonverbal behaviors, process visual and auditory information, and become aware of social/behavioural conventions. To help you with teaching your son social skills, you might want to purchase the video productions “Model Me Conversation” and “Model Me Friendship.” Click the link below to access them:

Social Skills

In addition to the above videos, there is a book titled:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Understanding and Managing Social Challenges for Those with Aspergers/Autism

written by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. Both Grandin and Barron are diagnosed as having high-functioning autism, and they have written a book that helps people with Asperger’s Syndrome cope with daily social demands.

To help you help your son, go on the internet and look for Asperger’s Syndrome support groups. Look for a group in your area. If there is none available, there are people who stay in touch via the internet. Whether in person or over the internet, they can give you advice and support which will help you help your son.

Take Care

Dave Angel

Question

I would like to know how to advise my son on social skills, such as making friends without being insulting to others.

Answer

One of the behavioural traits seen in children with Asperger’s Syndrome is a lack of empathy. They don’t realize that other people have thoughts and interests that are different from theirs. They’ll interrupt a conversation and start churning out facts about their pet interest – which could be something like medieval history, Star Wars’ trivia, or math – even if it has nothing to do with what the other children are talking about. This and their lack of other social skills, such as looking others in the eyes when conversing, responding appropriately to greetings and questions, and understanding fads and the interests of peers makes making friends very difficult for Asperger’s children.

With some Asperger’s children, social abilities remain intact or aren’t really noticed until around age eight. It is around this time that their classmates begin perceiving them as “different.” The child is singled out for teasing. In addition, the child may be seen as oppositional because children with Asperger’s Syndrome take words and gestures very literally. Communication with Asperger’s children must be “concrete” (brief and easily understood).

Your son can be taught most of the same social skills that children without Asperger’s learn on their own. You can work with your son’s school to produce cards or posters with facial expressions that define feelings. Also, full-length mirrors can be used to make children aware of their facial expressions and overall body language. You and his teachers can role play social situations with him to help him learn appropriate responses and actions.

Speaking of schools, it is unfortunate that there are few schools fully equipped to help children with Asperger’s Syndrome. The number of schools with diagnostically appropriate services will increase when parents, doctors, and social service practitioners lobby educational institutions for assistance in teaching Asperger’s children.

Until the school provides more assistance with your son, there are a number of things that you can do at home. You can surround your son with friends and family so he will have familiar people around on a consistent basis. If your son is intimidated by a large number of people, just have one friend over at a time.

In addition to friends, you can train your son in appropriate social and perceptual skills. He can learn to perceive and interpret nonverbal behaviors, process visual and auditory information, and become aware of social/behavioural conventions. To help you with teaching your son social skills, you might want to purchase the video productions “Model Me Conversation” and “Model Me Friendship.” Click the link below to access them:

Social Skills

In addition to the above videos, there is a book titled:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Understanding and Managing Social Challenges for Those with Aspergers/Autism

written by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. Both Grandin and Barron are diagnosed as having high-functioning autism, and they have written a book that helps people with Asperger’s Syndrome cope with daily social demands.

To help you help your son, go on the internet and look for Asperger’s Syndrome support groups. Look for a group in your area. If there is none available, there are people who stay in touch via the internet. Whether in person or over the internet, they can give you advice and support which will help you help your son.  

Take Care

Dave Angel