Hi there – it’s Tuesday and that can only mean one thing; your latest Aspergers article. So with no further pre-amble here it is …

Question

My son is 5 years old with Asperger’s. He really does well with a routine.  My husband, his dad, has had to take the night shift at work. We did not have much notice.  My son is taking this extremely hard.  I always have had time to prepare him for any big changes in our life in the past.  How can I help him deal with this abrupt change?  This has been one of the biggest challenges I have had to face.

Answer

To begin on a positive note, it’s good that your son does well with a routine.  This indicates that you have constructive knowledge of your son’s behavior.  You know his range of behavior, how he reacts to various situations, and the type of environment he does well in.

Unfortunately, even the most routine situations do not remain consistent.  Sometimes, the changes are planned, such as a job change or a move to a new home.  Other times, the changes are abrupt, like your husband’s night shift change at work.  Many changes are beyond our control.  When these changes occur, they set into motion reactions in the home, especially reactions by Asperger’s children who dread a change in routine terribly.

Parents of Asperger’s children have described their reactions to change as follows:

Anguish – Worry and anxiety over the possible consequences of an event;

Ballistic – Sudden, often violent, reactions to change;

Despair – Remorseful, resigned behavior to a perceived tragedy;

Meltdown – Catastrophic behavior; as if “the world is coming to an end;”

Obsessive – A concentrated focus on the changing event to the exclusion of all else.

The component that drives this behavior is fear.  Asperger’s children fear spontaneity and change because they have an inability to understand why change occurs and how to cope with change.  To an Aspie child, routine is heaven, change is hell.

One important aspect of this behavior is that unorthodox behavior is not intentional; it results from the person expressing an honest reaction to changes in their environment.  Therefore, you need to understand that your son will not immediately understand and accept your husband’s shift change at work.  Try explaining the situation to your son slowly and repeatedly, and in simple terms.  Tell him that, although your husband’s shift has changed, other situations at home will remain the same.  Explain why the shift change took place.  In addition, tell him that some routines might change, but others won’t.  Encourage him to ask questions in advance of any changes, and answer them in concrete terms so that he has a sense of security before any more changes occur in your home.

Separation Anxiety:  A Major Issue

Based on what you have told us in your question, a large part of your son’s problem is due to separation anxiety.  This is an issue for all children, regardless of age or medical diagnosis, and it is seen in approximately 4% of the child population.

In the context of your son’s situation, separation anxiety is defined as excessive anxiety about becoming separated from you, your husband, and any siblings that might be in the home.  Some of the symptoms seen in separation anxiety are withdrawal, depression, and difficulty concentrating.  Children experiencing separation anxiety often exhibit generalized fear, anxiety over the possibility of death, and recurrent nightmares.  Granted, all children experience separation anxiety at some point; however, it is more serious in Asperger’s children.

The Treatment of Separation Anxiety

In older children, separation anxiety is treated with psychotherapy and/or medication.  As an alternative, doctors recommend relaxation techniques and deep breathing accompanied by homeopathic remedies, which are less harmful to children than prescription medication.  You could look into using medication if your son’s symptoms are extremely bad, but, if possible, try to avoid it.  Counselling will help if needed.

Ask your husband to spend a period of time with your son before he leaves for work and upon his return.  This will help your son adjust to the new routine.  Your husband can reassure him that he will return and at what time. He can praise your son for dealing with a difficult situation.  Perhaps your husband could call once each evening to reassure your son that he will be home soon.  A picture of his father or a personal item of his father’s may also reassure him.

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – A quick update on the new website. This week I’ve been adding some great videos to the website including several really insightful interviews with young people who have Aspergers explaining how they experience the world. As ever keep your eyes peeled for the announcement of when the site is actually live, complete and ready to go.

Hi and welcome to the first Aspergers blog post of 2009; and here it is …
Question

Social Stories: what is the best way to teach social stories, by parents, a therapist, or in a peer group setting?  Are there good resources for the homeschooler?

Answer

Social stories can be effectively used to teach appropriate behaviour in a variety of settings.  Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or in peer group settings.  Homeschooling parents often use social stories effectively.  Social stories are used to address the following psychological and social symptoms:

• Feelings of isolation from others;
• A lack of imagination in play or expression;
• Consistent shyness, anxiety, and unhappiness;
• Depression during the years of adolescence and early adulthood;
• Obsessions, including irrational fears and anxieties;
• Timidity;
• Difficulty in relationships with others.

The Importance of Social Stories

Social Stories are a teaching device for children.  The stories are used to teach everyday social skills to children who have a diagnosis of autism or a related disability.  The stories contain accurate and useful information for someone encountering situations that they may find difficult or confusing.  The stories approach a topic by describing it in explicit detail and focus on teachable skills needed within the story.  A typical social story will discuss a given situation, how someone is expected to react in that situation, and why the reactions are appropriate.

Deciding on an Appropriate Social Story

Social stories are individualized in that each child is seen as an individual whose problems accompany a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome or high-functioning autism (AS/HFA).

An appropriate social story captures the areas of the child’s life that are challenging.  The child’s behaviour is evaluated by parents and teachers at home, in public, and at school.  Parents, teachers, and therapists look at the child’s tantrums, withdrawal, social, and escape behaviours.  They target these behaviors, and use a social story that addresses the behaviors.

Here is a sample Social Story obtained from: http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/introduction.html

Lining Up
At school, we sometimes line up.
We line up to go to the gym, to go to the library, and to go out to recess.
Sometimes my friends and I get excited when we line up, because we’re going someplace fun, like out to recess.
It is okay to get excited, but it is important to try to walk to the line. Running can cause accidents, and my friends or I could get hurt.
I will try to walk to the line.  (The behavioural goal for the Aspie.)
As you can see, Social Stories are short and to the point.  They are structured to describe social situations, explicitly describing what the child with Asperger’s can expect from the situation, and what society expects of the child.

The Benefits of Social Stories

Social Stories are beneficial in that they focus on “theory of mind” impairments (i.e.; mindblindness), which are inabilities to understand the feelings and behaviours of other people.  In addition, social stories not only provide information about social situations, but help the Aspie learn how to handle them.

Socially relevant information (like Social Stories) with illustrations and text, have been shown to be effective with Aspies.  In conclusion, Social Stories provide the opportunity for the child to practice needed skills and can be used by parents, teachers, and therapists.

You should consider using Dr. Carol Gray’s Social Stories, recommended by Dr. Tony Attwood, a world renowned expert on Asperger’s Syndrome.  You can read about it at … Social Stories

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – The new website continues to grow daily and I have to say I think it’s a really exciting project that you are really going to enjoy. Yesterday I spent a few hours adding all the back-dated copies of the monthly Autism/Aspergers newsletter to the site. I was surprised that there have already been 25 copies; and there are some real gems of information in there (and to be honest I had forgotten writing half of it!) As ever I’ll keep updating you – but I am Really hoping to have it all done by February.

Hi there – It’s time for your Aspergers parenting article again. Some times 7 days swings around so quick – it seems like I barely left my keyboard here!

Anyway the Christmas season is upon us – and being the devoted dad I am I took my little girl down to the local library for Christmas story time and a “Mystery Special Guest” appearance today! After a long walk down in the freezing cold we got there and I re-read the leaflet which said it was on the 9th December! Oops! Fortunately we did manage to do some impressive Christmas Tree drawing with the kind library staff – so all was not lost!

Oh and talking of Christmas I am going to try and dig out several free reports that I have previously written about the Christmas season and children with ASD and put them on the web – so look for an email on that. Anyway seasonal frivolities over with; here’s this week’s article … (there are several links to books in there but for some unknown reason they are not working if you click them – so just copy and paste the links into your browser box at the top of your screen to visit the sites).

Question

Please can you tell me about girls with Asperger’s and their friends and relationships?

Answer

People who study and treat Asperger’s Syndrome state that the number of girls with Asperger’s is equal to that of boys; however, the girls are not diagnosed as often because the syndrome presents itself differently in girls.  The common behaviours seen in both girls and boys with Asperger’s are as follows:
•    Difficulty reading social cues and body language
•    Problems with social skills
•    Demonstrating impatience
•    Difficulty developing empathy for others
A notable difference between girls and boys with Asperger’s is that boys will act out aggressively when they are frustrated.  As a result, they get attention from adults while the girls remain silent about their frustrations.  The girls appear to be shy or passive and adults overlook their problems; they have average or above-average intelligence that helps to hide their social awkwardness.

There is a book entitled Pretending To Be Normal; it is an autobiography written by Liane Holliday-Willey, who has Asperger’s Syndrome ( you can read more about it at http://tinyurl.com/5fpb5a). It discusses the difficulties that girls have with Asperger’s.  The thesis of the book is that girls do not understand how to process their feelings and express their emotions in socially acceptable ways.  As a result, they become people pleasers.  They are seen with smiles on their faces that mask the problems they are having.  There are many social scientists who believe that girls are better at camouflaging their disorder because they are socialized to be passive and submissive.

Passivity isn’t the only detectable symptom of Asperger’s Syndrome in females.  Young women with Asperger’s learn to mimic the behaviours of other children, and this happens when there are role models present.  If no role models are available, girls with Asperger’s do not learn proper behaviour; they will learn behavioural “scripts” that facilitate their interactions with other people.  Also, they might use dolls as substitute friends and create their own insulated lives with their dolls.
During the elementary school years, girls with Asperger’s will find one good friend who is matronly.  This friend becomes the link between the girl and the outside world.  This friend can provide support and encouragement to the girl, but, if the friend moves away, the girl with Asperger’s can experience extremely negative consequences.

The sooner that a young girl is properly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, the sooner she can obtain professional help.  With the support of a doctor and friends, she can learn appropriate, socially acceptable behaviors.  Also, she can develop independent living skills.

To begin helping a girl with Asperger’s, read the book Girls Under The Umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders: Practical Solutions for Addressing Everyday Challenges by Lori Ernsperger, Ph.D., and Danielle Wendel ( just go to http://tinyurl.com/5qvkky to find more about it).  This book was authored by an experienced professional and a mother of a young girl on the autism spectrum.  The authors provide insightful, first-hand accounts of girls’ lives along with research-based strategies and practical techniques for addressing the unique needs of girls on the spectrum while nurturing their gifts and talents.

Thanks for reading
Dave Angel

PS – I’ve not had chance to listen to any of the Total Transformation Program yet on CD as my car stereo blew up last week – but I aim to use my wife’s car this week so I will start reviewing the audio program soon! You can check it out in the mean time at http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

PPS – The new Aspergers site is still evolving as we spoke; I hope to have it all ready some time in January. I’ve been splitting the site up into different sections; which all contain lots of different related articles. Some of the sections I’ve added so far are social skills, gaining independence, siblings issues, sex and sexuality, and education.

Hi there Dave Angel here with a quick update on Sunday. I’ve had a few emails asking me to re-post the social skills article from last month that didn’t work properly. So here it is … If you need any more articles re-posting let me know. Thanks and sorry to intrude on your Sunday, Dave.

Question

I would like to know how to advise my son on social skills, such as making friends without being insulting to others.

Answer

One of the behavioural traits seen in children with Asperger’s Syndrome is a lack of empathy. They don’t realize that other people have thoughts and interests that are different from theirs. They’ll interrupt a conversation and start churning out facts about their pet interest – which could be something like medieval history, Star Wars’ trivia, or math – even if it has nothing to do with what the other children are talking about. This and their lack of other social skills, such as looking others in the eyes when conversing, responding appropriately to greetings and questions, and understanding fads and the interests of peers makes making friends very difficult for Asperger’s children.

With some Asperger’s children, social abilities remain intact or aren’t really noticed until around age eight. It is around this time that their classmates begin perceiving them as “different.” The child is singled out for teasing. In addition, the child may be seen as oppositional because children with Asperger’s Syndrome take words and gestures very literally. Communication with Asperger’s children must be “concrete” (brief and easily understood).

Your son can be taught most of the same social skills that children without Asperger’s learn on their own. You can work with your son’s school to produce cards or posters with facial expressions that define feelings. Also, full-length mirrors can be used to make children aware of their facial expressions and overall body language. You and his teachers can role play social situations with him to help him learn appropriate responses and actions.

Speaking of schools, it is unfortunate that there are few schools fully equipped to help children with Asperger’s Syndrome. The number of schools with diagnostically appropriate services will increase when parents, doctors, and social service practitioners lobby educational institutions for assistance in teaching Asperger’s children.

Until the school provides more assistance with your son, there are a number of things that you can do at home. You can surround your son with friends and family so he will have familiar people around on a consistent basis. If your son is intimidated by a large number of people, just have one friend over at a time.

In addition to friends, you can train your son in appropriate social and perceptual skills. He can learn to perceive and interpret nonverbal behaviors, process visual and auditory information, and become aware of social/behavioural conventions. To help you with teaching your son social skills, you might want to purchase the video productions “Model Me Conversation” and “Model Me Friendship.” Click the link below to access them:

Social Skills

In addition to the above videos, there is a book titled:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Understanding and Managing Social Challenges for Those with Aspergers/Autism

written by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. Both Grandin and Barron are diagnosed as having high-functioning autism, and they have written a book that helps people with Asperger’s Syndrome cope with daily social demands.

To help you help your son, go on the internet and look for Asperger’s Syndrome support groups. Look for a group in your area. If there is none available, there are people who stay in touch via the internet. Whether in person or over the internet, they can give you advice and support which will help you help your son.

Take Care

Dave Angel

Question

I would like to know how to advise my son on social skills, such as making friends without being insulting to others.

Answer

One of the behavioural traits seen in children with Asperger’s Syndrome is a lack of empathy. They don’t realize that other people have thoughts and interests that are different from theirs. They’ll interrupt a conversation and start churning out facts about their pet interest – which could be something like medieval history, Star Wars’ trivia, or math – even if it has nothing to do with what the other children are talking about. This and their lack of other social skills, such as looking others in the eyes when conversing, responding appropriately to greetings and questions, and understanding fads and the interests of peers makes making friends very difficult for Asperger’s children.

With some Asperger’s children, social abilities remain intact or aren’t really noticed until around age eight. It is around this time that their classmates begin perceiving them as “different.” The child is singled out for teasing. In addition, the child may be seen as oppositional because children with Asperger’s Syndrome take words and gestures very literally. Communication with Asperger’s children must be “concrete” (brief and easily understood).

Your son can be taught most of the same social skills that children without Asperger’s learn on their own. You can work with your son’s school to produce cards or posters with facial expressions that define feelings. Also, full-length mirrors can be used to make children aware of their facial expressions and overall body language. You and his teachers can role play social situations with him to help him learn appropriate responses and actions.

Speaking of schools, it is unfortunate that there are few schools fully equipped to help children with Asperger’s Syndrome. The number of schools with diagnostically appropriate services will increase when parents, doctors, and social service practitioners lobby educational institutions for assistance in teaching Asperger’s children.

Until the school provides more assistance with your son, there are a number of things that you can do at home. You can surround your son with friends and family so he will have familiar people around on a consistent basis. If your son is intimidated by a large number of people, just have one friend over at a time.

In addition to friends, you can train your son in appropriate social and perceptual skills. He can learn to perceive and interpret nonverbal behaviors, process visual and auditory information, and become aware of social/behavioural conventions. To help you with teaching your son social skills, you might want to purchase the video productions “Model Me Conversation” and “Model Me Friendship.” Click the link below to access them:

Social Skills

In addition to the above videos, there is a book titled:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Understanding and Managing Social Challenges for Those with Aspergers/Autism

written by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. Both Grandin and Barron are diagnosed as having high-functioning autism, and they have written a book that helps people with Asperger’s Syndrome cope with daily social demands.

To help you help your son, go on the internet and look for Asperger’s Syndrome support groups. Look for a group in your area. If there is none available, there are people who stay in touch via the internet. Whether in person or over the internet, they can give you advice and support which will help you help your son.  

Take Care

Dave Angel

Hi I am back from my vacation and so normal Tuesday night Aspergers blogging should now be resumed. Just a quick apology as it seems that no matter what I try and get my techie guy to do, there are some people who can’t quite read the pages on the blog clearly.

But fortunately that is going to be another cool feature of the new project – as I am going to be using some software that is supposedly much more rigid than then the free software (WordPress) that I use right now. So for those still struggling to read the blog please accept my apologies – and hold on as things will get better!

This week’s post focuses on the following question:

Does my child know what’s right and what’s wrong? It seems he does not really know the difference.

On the surface, the issue of right and wrong appears to be a complicated one for Asperger’s children, but it is not. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have very firm ideas of right and wrong, and they can become argumentative with adults and peers over issues of proper or improper behavior. They are typically unable to consider shades of grey and will perceive issues in black or white terms; however, they can discuss those issues with an adult and come to an agreement when solutions are proposed to them.

The good news is that Asperger’s children are known for being able to follow clearly explained and set rules that are consistent, and this trait can be used to help them learn right from wrong. As these children mature, they will learn right from wrong in a rote manner at first; but later they will develop a greater understanding of why something is right or wrong. An important factor is that the rules, and the explanation for the rules, should be explained in a manner that they understand, and the rules should be consistently enforced.

In fact, their inclination to learn right from wrong can be so profound, it might seem that Asperger’s children are pre-programmed to detect right and wrong, and they might even bluntly announce that a request or activity is right or wrong. Also, they will take notice of others’ incorrect behavior, but not their own; this can be perceived as a double standard. In addition, they may not be able to show empathy for others, and this can lead to problems as they may do or say things that seem wrong because they may not be able to understand or empathize with another person’s feelings.

Children and adults who do not have a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome can relate to other people and engage effectively in social interactions with others because they are able to perceive things from another individual’s point of view. The ability to comprehend someone else’s point of view is the result of correctly perceiving speech patterns, body language, tone of voice, facial movements, and the situation in which communication is taking place. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome and other autistic disorders can lack the capacity to relate to and understand others’ feelings or behavioral nuances, particularly on an emotional level. Also, the child’s inability to interpret someone else’s actions, whether deliberate or unintentional, can result in the child’s experiencing paranoia. This can result in inappropriate behavior.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome may not exhibit traditionally moral feelings or behaviors because Asperger’s denies them the ability to experience the capacity for emotion and introspection on which society’s perceptions of morality are based. These children do not experience the feelings associated with traditional right and wrong; yet, they may possess a sense of ethics as well as a cognitive understanding of right and wrong. Asperger’s Syndrome does not completely remove a child’s awareness of correct and incorrect behavior; it does allow them to behave with a sense of socially acceptable morality if they are helped to do so.

All the best

Dave Angel

When a child without Aspergers syndrome makes friends, parents are not often involved in the choice of the friend or the facilitation of the friendship. In Aspergers syndrome children, however, the parent or parents may need to be an active participant in helping the child make and keep solid friends.

Part of the process involves concretely teaching the child how a normal friend should act. Teaching them politeness, restraint, in some situations, and how to talk and establish good eye contact with others will help the child learn skills that aren’t innate to their development.

Finding a child to be your child’s friend in the school situation often takes careful planning and effort. It genuinely helps if you volunteer in the classroom and get to know the children well. If you can find a receptive, relatively quiet child who would make a good friend for your child, ask the child’s parents if the two could play together. Rowdy or noisy children may be a source of distress to the Aspergers syndrome child.

If your child is one of the many who have specific interests or musical ability, make the effort to link the child up through groups or clubs of children with similar interests. Often, having a similar interest as another child will help facilitate a relationship between the two. Even if your child doesn’t have a special interest, consider something structured such as the boy scouts or a church group from which friends can be found and maintained through regular contact.

It’s probably not a good idea to invite a bunch of kids over for a sleepover. Rather, one child playing with your child at a time has the best chance of success. If the other child seems to have some maturity, explaining the condition of Aspergers syndrome to the child may help avoid the frustration some children feel around Aspergers children.

Not in every case will your child be receptive to a friendship and he or she may prefer to play alone. In that case, wait until you see signs of receptiveness before attempting to facilitate a friendship.