Coping with the frustrations of your child with Aspergers

Hi there and hope you’re having a happy Sunday. It’s 2pm here in the UK so I guess for many of my American readers you may still be in bed! I wish I was – the weather here is “raining cats and dogs” as they say, and I really don’t like it!

It’s strange to be doing the weekly article on a Sunday but that’s because of the problems and late delivery of the September newsletter last week. It appears I resolved the blog posting problem (which was a miracle in itself!) but a number of people are still struggling to read the full articles due to the information on the right hand side merging with the article.

I spoke to a friend in the States who’s been a web designer and general internet “know it all” for 15 years and he said that these problems are browser problems and nothing to do with the website. He said that it cannot be cured 100% but that his advise would be for you to use Mozilla Based Browsers (such as Netscape, Firefox or Safari) and NOT Internet Explorer.

But this should only be an issue for several more months before I can get the new website up and running. Talking of which it’s getting quite exciting for me, as I’m finally getting chance to start creating some great new information for this new site. Last week I was researching and writing on topics such as helping teenagers to make friends, understanding new behaviors in your child, social cues and boy/girl relationships for young people with Aspergers.

Anyway after that longer than normal intro. here’s this week’s article:

Question

I would like ideas on how to deal with my son’s frustrations. He will either dig his heels in and refuse to do what he is supposed to do, or he shuts down and then we have a time away so he can get himself together to discuss the problem. It seems he works himself up over things that are not that big a deal.

Answer

People with Aspergers overreact to crowds, confusing situations, sensory stimuli, and situations in which they are asked to do things they don’t want to do. Situations or problems that seem minor to most of us are a “big deal” to those with Asperger’s because they don’t know how to handle them. Removing your son from a stressful situation and giving him time to calm down is an excellent idea. Then if he is willing to discuss the problem, you may be able to help him learn how to handle a similar situation in the future. His frustration and stubbornness are due to the anxiety he feels and his inability to handle situations; he can’t help those feelings.

Generally, there are two therapeutic approaches to working with the anxiety disorders seen in Asperger’s Syndrome children. The first is cognitive psychology, which is an approach that focuses on the client’s mental processes, such as problem solving, memory, and language. A cognitive psychologist will want to know how your son perceives and solves his problems.

A cognitive psychologist will be able to help your son figure out exactly what triggers his anger. The psychologist will help him change the negative environment that fuels his anger and develop various age-appropriate techniques for coping with anxiety.

The psychologist’s recommendations might be simple, like lowering lights and sound levels, or it could be more complex, and therapy might become long term.

In addition to cognitive psychology, medication may be recommended for your son. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications that will help reduce your son’s frustrations and reduce his anxieties. Please note that antidepressants like Zoloft and Prozac have been prescribed for Asperger’s children, but they have also been known to cause serious problems. Ask the psychiatrist to explain all of the behavioral changes and discuss the possible side effects of any medication that is prescribed.

The second approach for helping your son and one of the most frequently recommended interventions for children with Asperger’s Syndrome is for you, as a parent, to make his life structured and consistent. If he has chores to do around the house, they can be done on a certain day and at a specified time. You didn’t state your son’s age, but, assuming that he is (or will be) in school, he can leave for school at the same time every day, and he be expected to return home at a certain time every day, also.

Structure can be built into his life for recreational activities, in addition to his school obligations and household chores. If he enjoys video games, a time can be set aside that is predictable for the both of you. He can complete school homework and chores while looking forward to the recreational time that he knows will occur at the same time every day.

Your son is becoming easily frustrated over things that he perceives as too challenging. You can provide a “wraparound” treatment for him by surrounding him with a psychologist that he can talk to, medication he can use to reduce anxiety, and a predictable home environment each day.

That’s all for this week and enjoy your day

Dave Angel

PS – The majority of people contacting me said that they would like both a blog post and text-based email each week, to ensure that they got the article one way or another. So after much deliberating (as I don’t want to fill your in-box with stuff each week), I have come up with a plan. I will email you the details on the blog post every Tuesday as usual, and then on a Thursday I will send the text version.

I will always put the headline for the text version as “Text version of this week’s Aspergers article”. That way if you want to read it you can, and if you don’t you can just delete it without needing to actually waste time opening it. No doubt this may not please everybody (that’s impossible to do!) but it’s the best plan I can think of. But for this article as it’s out of sync with the normal pattern; I’ll send it by text later today and then the new routine will start from Tuesday.

23 comments »

1. My 9 year old refuses to go anywhere. Our family can’t go out because it causes major disruption. Church, shopping, anywhere. Just wants to stay home. URGH!

   Comment by Karen Walker — October 5, 2008 @ 9:38 am

2. as far as anti-anxiety medications, what are some effects that have caused “problems”? What are some prescriptions that have had less problems than Prozac?

   Comment by Kristin McClure — October 5, 2008 @ 9:47 am

3. I had the same problem when my son was younger, he is now 15, of course still has the same problem. But I was lucky, our local fire department put on a “Stay at Home Alone” class for youngsters and I told him if he wanted to stay at home and I went shopping, he would have to take this class. He was 8 at the time. It was wonderful. It helped him know how to deal with someone coming to the door when a parent is gone and how to deal with phone calls. Since then I’ve put in caller ID which has helped the phone call thing even more. Now he knows if it is me calling to check on him or a stranger.

   I may be lucky because my son has always been more mature that his years when it comes to things like staying home alone. But he is so stubborn if he takes to the idea he doesn’t want to go somewhere even if I want him to.

   A couple of times that happened when it was time to go to school. We had to have “couch time”, with him sitting there silently for a long time before he finally opened up and told me why he didn’t want to go to school. After that happening a couple of times, he now tells me about problems before they get “too big for him”, most of the time. He still stresses out if we have to go somewhere there is a crowd.

   Comment by Jill Yohn — October 5, 2008 @ 10:30 am

4. I have a young 17 year old AS client that gets really confused and avoids situations he feels are conflicts with his divorced parents. They have asked him to carry messages back and forth to each home.This has caused more conflict and the situation has ended up in court aleging abuse of the child. I’m wondering if any of your readers have had similar issues.

   Comment by Jim christensen — October 5, 2008 @ 11:35 am

5. I have to totally agree with this article. My son was labeled “noncompliant” in 6th grade when he moved to middle school. However, the reality was that he was so sensorily overwhelmed by everything that he would shut down. Instead of giving him think time, the teachers would just keep asking and keep asking which made him shut down even more.

   He actually created his own weight vest by weighting his backpack down and carrying it all the time. We changed him to a different school and went in with accomodations related to Asperger’s and he did great.

   Good luck,
   Teri

   Comment by Teri Folks — October 5, 2008 @ 3:04 pm

6. This was a great article since I am starting to face this challenge already with my very young son. He doesn’t even want to go outside with me and play on his climber, sandbox etc.. If it is too sunny out, he tells me he doesn’t want to. I am starting to figure out that he is mostly visually sensitive and the brightness bothers him (he won’t wear sunglasses for more then a few minutes) I am afraid to give into him too much because it will become habitual so I wait for the sun to go down or a cloudy day and I pester him to come out and play. I hope I am doing the right thing? Could he be vitamin deficient? any thoughts from anyone? Thanks

   Comment by Lori Caron — October 5, 2008 @ 4:07 pm

7. Hi, I have a 5yr old boy with Aspergers and he is a very big kid 40kg and 140cm tall people think he is older than he really is and naughty. He has become very agressive when he doesn’t get his own way hitting, punching banging walls doors etc. We have been putting him in time out in the laundry with visuals on the wall “hitting makes me sad and gentle hands makes me happy”. He understands this but he cant help himself when he doesn’t get his own way. He is very scary when he is having one of his meltdowns because he is very strong. He is a sensory stimulii kid and needs the touch we have a lot of techneques in place from our occupatinal therapst but I cannot handle his aggression and strength can you suggest anything to help us with is temper when he doesn’t get his own way? Thank you Kathie

   Comment by Kathie McManus — October 5, 2008 @ 4:44 pm

8. My going on 13 years old grandson has been living with me and poppa for 9 years. We find it is easier to have set routines i.e. after school afternoon snack, then homework before he goes on the computer. He is then allowed an hour before dinner on computer. We have him in sports. He enjoys basketball which is Mondays and only half an hour in all. He is getting bored with table tennis after three years but we still insist he goes one in three, mainly for him to learn and socialise with others. He has got bored with softball but this is because he has to do exercise and run round the field so hes always trying to manipulate the time we arrive so he doesn’t have to run round the field. He doesn’t like the comments from other teammates “wouldn’t you rather be dead?” I know he likes the batting and catching the ball which he is good at but his running is very poor because he is big because he doesn’t eat enough protein but he doesn’t try to exercise unless he is made to. Sometimes he just sits on the field and wont move and you can see how frustrating it is to his teammates and the coach. When we try and give him a bedmaking lesson he sits on the ground as well. He used to sit on the ground when he was at the shops at four years of age with a walker lead on and refuse to go anywhere. If you have to tell him no, you have to moderate your voice otherwise he wont listen but look up at the ceiling with his arms crossed. I say to him, “I am really angry with what you have done just now and I am not going to raise my voice but I have to tell you that what you have done now is not right and you have really annoyed me with your stupidity. It is completely appropriate.Someone of your age would not do that. Now go before Poppa finds out and roars at you (which he hates).” He usually says he’s sorry about five times and gives me a hug. If I had ranted and shouted at him I would not get anywhere but if I tell him in a moderate voice and say I wont raise my voice but am really angry, he will listen.

   Comment by Lillian Carde — October 5, 2008 @ 8:44 pm

9. Has anyone used native remedies or natural drugs to help with aspergers?? Has anyone noticed big changes in behavior?? I just bought $180 worth of natuarl remedies to try which is 100% guaranteed but I wondered if anyone else has had good luck with this??

   Comment by sue — October 6, 2008 @ 6:46 am

10. Social stories. If you will go in & say at 2:00 today we are going to the store & while we are at the store we need to pick up, bread,milk, eggs, etc. this gives them a heads up as to what they are going to be doing for the day. then you start about 1:30 & give him the time about every 10 minutes & that really seems to help eliveate some of the anxiety of the unknow. they know were you are going & when you are going & why you are going. With a little time for them to transition from what they were doing to what you are now going to be doing you should have a much easier time of it…

    Comment by Tina Barragan — October 6, 2008 @ 1:14 pm

11. I have a 7yr old that was just diagnosed with Aspergers and I have two questions. He goes to counseling twice a month. The psychiatrist prescribed the lowest dose of Concerta to help with his focus and concentration but, I don’t think he will be able to swallow the tablet. Has any body had any experience with this class of drug in use with children with AS?
    Also, has anybody heard of, or used the Miracle Belt on a child with AS?

    Comment by Jeff — October 6, 2008 @ 6:57 pm

12. My son,now 13 was on Concerta for several years before his diagnosis of Aspergers two years ago. He was prescribed the medication when he was about your sons age,7, for what the Doctors at the time thought was ADD. My son did not benefit from this medication. It just made him very cranky. We took him to a developmental Doctor and after tons of testing they determined it was Aspergers. We have opted to have him on no meds and accept him just the way he is! instead of trying to change what we really could not change.

    Comment by Debbie — October 7, 2008 @ 6:02 am

13. Just to add, this is our situation and everyone else’s s different as is every child with Aspergers. What is right for my son may not be what is right for yours. We just did not have positive results with Concerta. My son is doing so much better now and although he still has issues with focus he is doing very well now!!

    Comment by Debbie — October 7, 2008 @ 6:09 am

14. Isn’t 8 years old to young to be home alone for any child, but especially so with a child with Aspergers even with taking a class? Even with an abundance of information they tend to be easily manipulated or distracted. Im sympathetic to your situation but perhaps you could run errands when you have another adult present. I realize by experience that tends to be a challenge especially with those who are single parents. But maybe you could go while he’s in school or form some type of co-op with other parents who have children with Aspergers who are experiencing sharing similar problems. For example; Maybe Sally could watch them on Monday and you could oblige on Tuesday or something.

    In defense of the 13 year old boy. Maybe Im not doing such a great job, or perhaps Im doing to much sheltering with my own children I don’t know, but I don’t like the way other children are allowed to treat them. Measures need to be taken to stop it. Him having to hear comments like “don’t you wish you were dead” is just not ok! And I agree with most of what you told him but despite the immaturity of his behavior, telling him your “annoyed with his stupidity” is just re enforcing the feelings of self loathing he probably already has. I think if your Grandson doesn’t want to be some place because of the horrible things other people are saying to him and you cant do anything to change it, maybe he shouldn’t be subjected to it. My daughter used to get talked to that way and she became very suicidal. I took her out of school and home schooled. Everyone may not have the circumstances to do that but are extra curricular activities in his best interest if he is consistently being verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused. Are there any support groups where children that have Aspergers have group activities in a more controlled environment?

    Comment by Susan Bond — October 7, 2008 @ 7:22 am

15. I live with my b/f who has a 15 yr old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD, Bi-Polar, and is a high functioning Asperger. I lived with him for a year and a half and it was the the most troubling time! He would scream at me, holler at the top of his lungs, call me names, have just utter and complete disrespect. He never did any of these things in front of his father, so I began to believe that he did have the ability to control his anger. He is now in the 8th grade. He failed the 7th, failed homeschooling, and just barely passed the 7th for the 2nd time. We finally had to have him live with his mother and stepfather when he became violent with me. He has stolen from his school, shoplifted while standing next to his mother. We finally had to put a lock on our bedroom door. We have 2 girls that live with us. His sister who is 14 and my daughter who is 10. We just recently had our son who is now 6 months.

    Now that he lives with his mother I guess he no longer sees me as a threat to him. He is much more pleasent to have here on the weekends. The problem that we have encountered though is that his mother is extremly inconsistant with him.

    We had to completely remove video games from our home as he had become extremley obsessed with them. We still do not allow them. He became obssesed with pokemaon cards and had begun to shoplift them so we just banned them from the house. We limited TV to 2 hours a day. We had the teachers to email us everyday with homework assigments, behavior and such. It was working even though he kept telling me I was sucking the fun out of his life! He figured out with everone else if he yelled at them enough they would give in. I would not! So of course t became a battle of wills!

    Now his mother has given him everything back telling him that we were inflicting mental abuse on him. He has been taking Aderall and Serequel. She stopped the medication abruptly telling him that he did not need them. Now he is back on them but she still does not watch to make certain he takes them. The DR prescribed 200 mg Serequell at night, she has him to take 100 mg.

    Are we simply to stand back and say and do nothing? I just hate that he has the potential to lead a “normal” life but she is taking him back down the road he was at before. He now thinks that we were mentally abusive and that he dad just medicated him o keep him quiet!

    How do you make a mother who has never been to his counsling sessions, never been to his parent teacher confreneces, to understand the harm she can cause without stability and constants??

    Comment by Victoria — October 7, 2008 @ 8:03 am

16. Does any one have any ideas on how I can ge my 13 yr old to hand in his homework in math and history? He does not like his hitory teacher for she is to active. Math I realy do not know why he will not hand in his work.

    Comment by RONNIE — October 7, 2008 @ 3:21 pm

17. Hi,My son is 7 and was just diagnosed with AS,ADHD and Anxiety. The school he attends is makeing no accomadations for him, despite my out crys! He is in the second grade and instead of lessening his load, on most days his work is doulbled! His teacher says “she doesn’t have time to write extra instructions on the home work he brings home and he doesn’t remember that he even has extra instructions, so I watch him give 1,000% of him self, until he doesn’t know wich way is up any more, just to get the same work back the next day saying “redo with a ruler” wich I might add (she some how found time to write) Plus about 15 letters circled that weren’t to her perfect handwriting satifaction! My son’s hands shake! I’m pretty sure that’s related to AS! The school principal is telling me I have a communication problem and the speech theripist said my son didn’t have AS very much! I really feel I’m living in the Twilight Zone! I can see the stress on my son more and more. He can’t tell me the day’s of the week in order any more, his hands are a lot more shakey than they used to be, and I don’t up his medicine any more than it already is! Has any one else been through this? Would it be better to just change schools or would that be to much of a change for him?

    Comment by Shannon — October 8, 2008 @ 9:44 pm

18. Shannon,
    I can relate to your situation. I went through the same thing when my son was in 2nd grade, however you are a step ahead of where I was at the time. You have a diagnosis, as I did not even though I had my son tested on several occasions. Take a copy of your son’s diagnosis to the principal and request a meeting with the school psychologist, social worker, principal & teacher. They have to make accomodations to meet your son’s educational needs. Read up on what your rights are. Best of Luck! It can be a bumpy road, but hang in there!

    Comment by Lisa — October 9, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

19. My 5 year old son has done okay with High dose vitamins. Zinc has made him more attentative and a lot more speech, he has also stopped humming. I now wonder if his humming was a symptom. I give him fish oil with evening primrose this help even out his mood. Vitamin B6 and Vit C. These are all mixed into his food morning and night. I okayed everything with his local doctor. Teachers and family have noticed the difference. It’s not the complete answer but it helps.

    Comment by Leesa — October 9, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

20. Hello,again! Thank you for your response! The problem is I have already had 1 IEP meeting where the teacher informed me my son would be recieving nonverbal comunication training durring recess and the Princial said nothing! I have asked for a reduction of home work and did not get it and I’ve made 2 verbal request for another IEP and a Other Health Impared Evaluation and was discouraged! The Principal, School Psyc, and his teacher have all seen his AS report and have seen with their own eyes him struggeling since Kindergarden but they won’t let up. I have never met these people before now, I really don’t understand why they are so unwilling to be a team! Today his teacher sent home a note saying she needs help from us! I will because it benifits my son, but It’s kinda a slap in the face! I’m checking into another school but the only friends he has are at this one! We live 45 min. from his school so he only see’s his friends at school. I’m afraid if he changes schools he will have problems makeing friends and with school work!

    Comment by Shannon — October 9, 2008 @ 9:55 pm

21. Hi everyone,

    I have a 9 year old son with Aspergers. I find that he too can’t often function due to his anxiety and fustrations. We have him on Ritalin (20mg/day) + Strattera 50mg/day. Doses are in the early a.m. and after school. These 2 medications have done wonders for my son. I can tell right away when I get home from work if my husband has not yet given my son his med’s. That’s how good they work!! When on his med’s, we are able to have a conversation, he can focus on homework and is able to listen to instructions. When there are no meds he is climbing walls, is very loud and refuses to pay attention to anything you say. My son has had no side effects from these 2 medications. One would never know that he is on medication unless told that he is. Dave is absolutely right!! Structure is so important and keeping the same routine on a daily basis. My son doesn’t like to do any of the things that “typical” children do and that’s ok. I always thought that I had to force him to try new things, but I don’t. He is his own person. All we can do is offer to try new things. If they are not ready, then pressure should not be added. One day your child may surprise you. My son started playing outside last winter, which is something he had never done. Anyone wanting to share stories on a personal level I can be e-mailed at mwalterson@sympatico.ca. Keep up the great Dave.

    Comment by Chantal Walterson — October 10, 2008 @ 2:42 pm

22. I have a 12 yr old son who is now being homeschooled. He has been diagn. with AS, ADHD, bipolor, ODD & cognitive disorder which affects his short term memory. I have also just found out that he has hearing loss in both his ears. He also has a history of seizures and asthma.

    I have been learning about AS children and their behavior; such as drumming/beating, humming/clicking, he also sings with high pitch voice on purpose- he claims he is trying to find his real voice. Nathan will also start popping his joints when he is real stressed or stimulated. But I think real stimulated is stressful to him. He also stares of into space, which I learn is his way of calming down.

    I have spent years of trying to get him into self-containment or behavioral classes because of there size and structure. But the school has been blocking it. You see Nathan was just diagn. this past summer and I have a lot to learn. They said because of his reading he needs to be mainstreamed but I have a kid with a history of running & hiding from school and home.

    I am still learning about alot of this behavior and how it affects the other diagn. But to be honest I wasn’t surprised about him having AS, I’ve been trying to get him tested since he was 5 yrs old. But all I got was them wanting to psych. hospitalize him or residential home. They were fired!!!

    AT this time because of his health issues we have been homeless going on to 5 to 6 years. The last 2 apts we lost because I was fired, but I would do it all over again. By the way I am a single parent and very proud of Nathan!!!!

    Comment by Debra — November 11, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

23. Ronne, I too am having great difficulty getting my son to do his homework. I have tried structuring, routine behavior, but to no avail.
    He always blames others for not being able to do his work. He does not understand the logic of responsiblity but he is 11 years old and we train him to take responsibility: walk the dog.
    We talk about how we go to work because it is our respnsibility, and even though not always like, we must do it. He says not fair, and I know now that logic just does not work. What does?????????

    Comment by jenny — November 17, 2008 @ 10:15 pm

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