How can I help my child deal with bullies and survive independently in school?

35 comments »

1. Dear Dave, thank you for bringing up this important issue once more. Over here in The Netherlands, a lot has been said about bullying lately, after a number of teenagers committed suicide as a result of having been bullied repeatedly for long periods of time. Cyber bullying is a big issue nowadays, besides the “normal” bullying. Unfortunately, having a anti-bullying policy is no garantuee no bullying will take place. I fully agree, however, that it is of the utmost importance to keep the lines of communication open. Keep up the good work, Dave!

   Comment by Heleen — February 12, 2013 @ 9:58 am

2. Hi Dave,
   Its even more frustrating when you thnk your child is being bullied by some of the teachers. I’ve just recently had to see the head teacher at my son’s school because I found out from another parent her daughter had told her how sorry she felt for my son because he was always being blamed for things he hadn’t done. This often resulted in him being sent to the deputy head. It’s funny how teachers are qick to accept the “lies” of other children but dismiss what my son says to them. I asked my son why he didn’t tell me this and he said he just accepted it now ! Hopefully now he will tell me in future and we can address the issue if it happens again.

   Comment by Lorraine — February 12, 2013 @ 10:19 am

3. There is a anti-bullying policy in place in my son’s school, that encourages reporting the matter to the head of the school directly. However, when we tried to report, the school immediately dealt with the matter but the bully children once let loose from their detention ganged up and targeted my son with more antagonism. Things got so bad that my son has now extracted a promise from me that I will never again report any bullying. I saw the desperation in his eyes and I have refrained but I am really at a loss…can somebody help?

   Comment by rita ray — February 12, 2013 @ 10:40 am

4. I agree with your estimate. As a parent and teacher, I see Autistic children bullied all the time. Sometimes, they don’t even realize that it is happening. My son was receiving very damaging and threatening notes at school in his mainstreamed class. These notes were given to the building principal who shared them with the house principal. Nothing was really done until four days later when my son received a sixth note which specifically called him a murderer and threatened his life! This is in a school that supposedly has a very cutting edge bullying program. My son was horrified that someone thought him a murderer (or used this tactic to bully him) and scared that they have threatened him bodily harm. At this point despite the previous damaging notes, school finally figured out who was sending them. My son now has kids who have threatened him, yet he doesn’t know who to look out for or who might be setting him for something else because the school has chosen to keep their identities from him. As the victim, my son isn’t able to know who his perpretrators are. He is being victimized yet again. School also refuses to tell us, as his parents, how these children are being handled and what their consequence will be as that is confidential. My son is 16 so these are not young elementary kids and this has been premeditated since each time over the course of a few weeks, the threats have continued to increase in aggression. They have even asked kids to find out where we live. We feel like we should probably take these notes to the police so that if something happens off campus, they have a record of it and the school would have to tell them who these children are. Has anyone had anything like this happen to their child, what was the outcome, and how is the child doing now? My son reports that in this class, everyone now ignores him, even classmates who used to talk to him before. School has copies of the notes, we have the originals. Thank you for your input!

   Comment by Mother of 5! — February 12, 2013 @ 11:28 am

5. this is a very good topic to address. unfortunately, even with the ant-bullying program at schools the problem is still there. i have a 9 year old child and she has been bullied for the past 3 years! i have been in constant contact with the school and nothing seems to get done about it!. at the beginning of the school year my child was so upset that she took a steak knife to her stomache! she is only 9 years old! i promptly called the school to tell them and was quietly told that unless they see this bully do something they can’t do anything about it! i asked them to tell every adult involved with her at school to keep an eye out for this and have them at oppisite ends of the classroom. then last month my child comes home with a scissor-cut on the upper area of her pants! he had crawled under her desk with a pair of scissors and cut her pants! (a bully with a sharp instrument). i called the school and again was quietly calmed down.this bullying is an every day thing. i also called the school board and got no-where. it would seem that i have to pull my child from the school. due to this bully my child will have to get used to a new school,new teachers,and new kids. this does not seem fair at all that my child should have to change her routine because of a bully that the school is doing nothing about.if anyone outthere has any other ideas that i can use i would greatly appreciate it. please, i need some help.

   Comment by lisa — February 12, 2013 @ 12:10 pm

6. Great advice on communication in the car, I myself do this and it does work. My concern about bullying..a lot. Most schools do have anti-bullying policies…the problem is they DO NOT ENFORCE THEM… UNLESS PARENTS MAKE THEM! Its a long hard road to get this done, the key is persistance on your part, daily calls to principles, teachers and superintendants…you have to be the advocate.

   Comment by Wendee Selzler — February 12, 2013 @ 12:26 pm

7. As we all know, children with Aspergers can be very direct. While picking up my 7yr old grandson from school a few months ago, I went over to a part of the playground where he likes to hang out with his two friends (ADHD, and ADD with ASD). As I walked over and called them, my grandson said to me ‘See those boys over there Grandma.. Well, they’re the ones who’ve been bullying us. I’m going to kill them!’ I turned to see three yr 6 boys hiding by the fence who, until I arrived, had been taunting my grandson and his friends. When they locked eyes with me, they shrank and tried to slink away. I spoke aloud to my grandson about his own choice of language, ie, we don’t threaten to kill people, then I approached these predators. Did I let it go, or did I risk a backlash. I chose the latter. In for a penny. I became the teacher I had once been before retirement and strode over purposefully to address these three. I asked them if it was true that they had been bullying my grandson and his friends and if so, why? They denied it of course, but my stern face and my ‘you’re not getting away with this’ tone, had them taking a pretty full-on lecture. I pointed out that they were 10/11 yrs old and were bullying 7yr olds. I then finished by reminding them, not to even think about any kind of sneaky retaliation towards the younger boys or I would hear about it and so would their parents. I lied and said I was a governor. OK, high-risk, but you know what folks, it worked. Sometimes we have to be inventive. Well, neither my grandson nor his little friends have been bothered by this trio since. Apparently it had been going on for some time and my grandson hadn’t told us. But he chatted about it non-stop in the back of my car as I drove home. He was very excited about my intervention and told his mum and dad later. My son was highly amused and reminded me of a time I’d done the same for him when he was at junior school. Oh dear. I was quite a tiger-mum. My son didn’t have ASD by the way.
   Postscript: I had a chat with the teacher later, as well as the Head of special needs. They were supportive and we discussed how difficult it was to catch predatory bullies in the act. They also said that my grandson hadn’t made a big deal of it until now and had simply accepted that these boys were nasty and spiteful to him. The boys had been calling him some choice names, including ‘weird’ and ‘stupid’ (he’s far from that!) and they also swore at him. Charming. Anyway, I thought I’d write and let you know how on this occasion, I rose up and ROARED for my grandson. I have no regrets. Schools always have anti-bullying policies, but what exactly do these amount to if kids are being devious and sneaky?

   Comment by Mary King — February 12, 2013 @ 12:51 pm

8. Having only one week ago been faced with this new diagosis for my 13yr old son, it is so nice to know that this website is available to assist with the thousands of new questions running through my head. This bullying issue is a prine example. My son is frequently bullied. No one helps him. He must face this alone. His comment is merely “why tell on them mom, it only makes it worse”. ugh. I want to cry.

   Comment by Constance — February 12, 2013 @ 1:52 pm

9. Hi

   Comment by Lani Haynes — February 12, 2013 @ 3:18 pm

10. There is a new “Bathroom Bully” problem that needs to be aware worldwide . I am trying to contact as many places to get the awareness out. Teachers are not allowed to leave the classroom to check up on a student in a bathroom gone for a while and classroom doors are closed due to hallway noise. So after 30min.a student is gone the teacher sends out a student to get the kid gone in the bathroom for 30 min. the bully tells the student coming in if you tell the teacher what you just say me do to this victim you will be next.The student takes the victim out of the bathroom gone being bullied for 30min and goes to class. The victim my son goes back to class and also tells no one because the bully told the victim if you tell the teacher or anyone I will kill your parents. So this goes on for 4 years of a prent wild goose chase of odd behavior and injurys and no recessd uty sees any bulling with my kid. There is no hallway/bathroom adult volunteer/supervisors. I do not find out this mystery untill recently I got fed up with my sons severe low self of steam and decided to homeschool him. Now that he is removed and feels safe he tells me what has happened and why he was afraid to tell anyone out of fear the bull ywould hurt him more the next day after getting calledinto the office and threatens to kill his parents. PLEASE Pass this New Bathrrom Bully to ALL Aspergers parents.They stuck pecils up his butt,crayons that explained the recent 2 Dr. visits for butt infections we thought he needed baby wipes thinking it was a hygine problem.I also find out 6th grade boys are hanging out in kindergarten girls bathrooms and threatening the victim girls too my son mentioned. I remind you this was after I ppulled him out and he told me all the pieces to the puzzle are coming together.I am getting him child therapy I told my son think of how many other children you can save and be their Voice from fear happening right now! Thank you spread the awareness. We need hall way/batroom areas ADULT volunteeers/supervisors all school we keep our kids safe at grocery stores bathrooms its our children have human right to pee in a safe enviroment even in schools! Thank you,Lani Haynes

    Comment by Lani Haynes — February 12, 2013 @ 3:36 pm

11. i have a grandson who is 8.he goes to public school.i think sometimes tell him they are gonna tell something on him just to hear him get upset.by the end of the day he has meltdowns when he gets home.he frets even when he thinks he is gonna get in trouble for something.thank you so much for your information on autism strategies.

    Comment by bonnie — February 12, 2013 @ 4:30 pm

12. Neurotypical kids have a hard enough time let alone those on the Spectrum who are struggling to interpret what people are subtly saying to them. The school counsellor idea is good. We had a lad at our high school and he was bullied and it always helped him both to come to the Counsellor or to me as the Spec Ed coordinator and “defuse”. You could always tell when he was stressed as he would come virtually yelling and once he could regulate himself to “inside” voice level we could work through some issues. He was a great kid and very honest and generous natured himself and very willing to say sorry if he felt he had hurt others. He just had some mean minded peers!!

    Comment by Esther Smith — February 12, 2013 @ 4:47 pm

13. I want to encourage parents that once your child with aspergers or HFA gets into college, things get sooooo much better and the bullying should nearly subside. My daughter has so many heartbreaking stories of being bullied as a kid, but after 3 years of college, she has only had two classes where the professor did not understand autism and tolerated or encouraged bullying. For the most part, students in college are there to learn and they respect our asperger/HFA kids for being smart and often nerdy. Hang in there. It gets much better. I have read studies that say the nerdy kids who were picked on, often grow up to be the bosses of the kids who were the bullies.

    Comment by Pam — February 12, 2013 @ 5:32 pm

14. Good general advice when the school is onside and has strong decent executive staff but what do you do when the school environment including the mothers mafia, and teachers are extensively involved in the bullying as well as the kids (no wonder the kids bully) and the principal hates your kid because it means effort and work and when you report up to area level he lies blind faced and denies what is happening and makes comments such as ‘don’t believe her (even though she has physically injuries) the others are better quality kids’ and ‘what do you want me to do they are just being 12 year old boys’ and when 9 yr old girl held head first over a balcony so not only her head but also her torso is upside down over the railing with concrete several meters below by a older boy, the school counsellor states ‘don’t make a fuss she ended up OK and it wasn’t that high” The answer – Document EVERYTHING and Cut your loses quickly and try to get into another school and be prepared to fight over it because “your not in area” and if desperate move house so you can change schools. This is my daughters experience in Sydney, her mistreatment has been an utter disgrace. Thankfully after two weeks at new school all is good no assaults, no harassment or abuse, no panic attacks…. First time in years a smile when she walks to school. Moral – Don’t trust your school or the education department to assist your kid even if you think you have a OK relationship and as heard before don’t stay silent or back down as the bullying won’t stop and may get much worse also when you start to complain and speak up for your kid be prepared for when they also try to bully you as a parent for standing up for your kid, don’t let that stop you helping your kid.

    Comment by Cap — February 12, 2013 @ 8:00 pm

15. I am on your email list. My grandson is autistic which I believe comes within the Asperger disease ambit. Right? He is 4 1/2 yrs old. We are all concerned about his situation. While he has been a bit dullied in the Child Care Centre for some time, until his mother reported the offending teacher to the manageress. Are your reports/comments pertinent to autistic sufferers? Thanks

    Comment by Syd Yuen — February 13, 2013 @ 4:50 am

16. Hi Dave, Can u help me ,I’m in Scotland,Ayr and my child has given up with school,fifth year,he was bullied and mocked which I think is more harmful and now wants to remain in his room.Please can you help ,our family are all teachers and cannot persuade him him to return to school.I only discovered his aspergers last year ,we are by his side but we need intervention plus he will not go anywhere.Thank you, from,Gillian

    Comment by Gillian Valente — February 13, 2013 @ 5:44 am

17. my 6yr old is austic and hes a bully always throws fits. he is about to get kicked out of school. can you help me? im so lost.

    Comment by susan rogers — February 13, 2013 @ 1:50 pm

18. I saw the #2comment and almost cried, the same thing happened to my son. I had to go to the district assistant superintendent, because the teachers and special ed instructor, nor the principal would listen to my son, or his witnesses. They accused, punished my son for something serious…it took the daughter of the principal to come forward and tell that he was being falsely accused. But our family was so traumatized by then, that i literally had to go into the hospital from the stress. Now my son, who already was at a new school, is very uncomfortable in this school and unfortunately there is no other school choice for him at this time. I dont know how to help him trust again.

    Comment by lisa gross — February 13, 2013 @ 4:24 pm

19. My child has been bullied for years, sometimes he doesn’t even know he’s being bullied. They have physically, verbally, and mentally abused my son. It doesn’t seem to stop, when we get rid of one, another one pops up. Last week one of them even befriended him so he would by him something at the book fair, I feel hopeless at times. Faith keeps me strong. It’s just ridiculous, I don’t know who I want to blame more, the school or the parents?

    Comment by Angela — February 13, 2013 @ 5:53 pm

20. My son is 6 years old and has asperger’s and mild cerebral palsy. He is in regular educ. classes.He has a 504 but now that he’s diagnosed ASD we are awaiting testing this month to see if he qualifies for an IEP. The problem is in the last three weeks he complained that another kid in class was grabbing his crotch. I went to the teacher. She spoke to the boys the other kid denied it. Several days later my son had his pants down urinating and the other boy came in and touched my sons privates and pulled on them. I went to the principal. The other boy denied it.
    Yesterday I met with the assistant superintendant. They told me they cannot proceed and punish this boy cause there are no witnesses or evidence. My son usually uses the office bathroom. But occasionally uses the one on the playground. So now for his safety he can only use the office BR. In this meeting the principal told me all the yard duty staff was informed about this boy touching my son. Today when I questioned four of the people on yard duty none of them were aware of this. I asked if they had a bullying policy. They said yes. But it was my son’s word against this boy’s. I have seen this kid hit the other boys daily in the morning when I drop my son off. He has a good hard punch too. But no one is stopping him. I’m open to suggestions. My son doesn’t have full range of motion in his arms and is a little slow due to CP but gets physical therapy or I’d have him slap that boy’s hand everytime he grabs for him. The outcome of my meeting was simply “It’s your sons word against the other boy, sorry” They said everyone on the yard is aware but I know that is not the truth. HELP!!!!

    Comment by Monica — February 13, 2013 @ 7:11 pm

21. i have a 19yr old, who was walking home from bus stop. 2 girls drove up beside him..told him they were going to beat the shit out of him, run him over and burn his house down. i approched the school..i was told it was not thier problem, i had to bring county police involved. he now is kicked off bus for the year.

    Comment by anita — February 17, 2013 @ 5:17 pm

22. Your writings are here for me as a result of my request. I don’t know if I have an Asberger’s adult child or not. I know he is a genius, seems to know everything on every subject . He has problems. There are two autistic grand children in my family and one ADD ….and lots of depression as a result of coping with their difficulties. I wanted to read your work. I am not with any of them very often but I worry about them and hope to learn how to react to my son . Everything I have read everywhere has made me feel that his life is as it is because of this disease. He has been in a very lucrative profession which he has turned his back on because he does not honor its positions now…..
    I have problems trying to have comfortable helpful reactions to his moods and conversations. It is not a surprise by this time that something is different about him. It has always been obvious. Thank you.

    Comment by Dorothy Kluth — February 17, 2013 @ 5:25 pm

23. JUST A LITTLE COMMENT ABOUT BULLIES.. I CAME ACROSS A ADULT BULLY WHO WAS BULLIED AS A CHILD BECAUSE OF HIS LEARNING DISABILITY AND HE WAS SO MEAN AS AN ADULT CARRY HIS ANGER AND DISPLACING BACK ON THE LESS FORTUNATE BECAUSE OF PAY BACK. HOW SAD IS THIS ONE. IN FACT I TOLD HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND FINALLY I THINK IT SUNK IN TO HIS HEART. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME BUT SEE AS CHILDREN WE CARRY IT THROUGH OUR LIFE AND USE IT AS AN ANGER ISSUE. HOW SAD. THANKS MAUREEN USA

    Comment by maureen — February 17, 2013 @ 6:39 pm

24. We went to a Bullying Conference at our school,put on by the girl scouts in our town. We encountered many parents with there stories of bullying,especially one parent who had a 12 year old girl who was bullyed on the school grounds,in the class rooms,and on the internet,by children,adults,and believe it or not,some of her teachers. She ended her life on Feb.12,2012 at the young age of 12. She committed suicide. Her mother spoke to everyone about stopping the bullying and standing up for you child. This was a very educational day,but extremely sad to see all the young students who were crying as this was being told. We hope this is a step in the right direction,our school has no policy or rules on how to treat bullying as our son,last year was in a protest about bullying,to stop bullying, he was sent home for the day. Amazing,how did this help anything. My husband spoke to the principal and said he could do nothing about the bullying.This is a sad state of afairs when they do not have any policy in place to stop the bullying. And at this conference there was no representitives from the school at this conference. Just alot of sad children and parents who are going to try to make a difference.So hopefully this conference will help get parents fired up enough to make a difference and get a bullying policy in our school! Gene & Julie Edwardson

    Comment by Julie Edwardson — February 17, 2013 @ 7:23 pm

25. Dave, This whole topic is so upsetting and unrealistic! My son told on his bullies, they were approached, and when it was over the bullying intensified! The bullies ALWAYS wait until the grown-ups are not around. There are always times when this is possible. The bullying is not only worse, but the kid is known as a tattler! They make fun of him more for telling on them. It never stops. There will always be bad kids. Let’s be realistic. Our kids need to be given better coping skills, and to learn to brush off the bad kids – they will be everywhere throughout life. I told my son that even grown-ups have bullies. It is learning to deal with them that is important. The anti-bullying programs are only fluffy politically correct ways of schools showing they care but it will NEVER go away. They bullies hide, and come out at the precise second a grown-up turns her head.

    Comment by Constance — February 17, 2013 @ 10:17 pm

26. The only answer to bullying is to ignore it. walk away. Telling doesn’t work.

    Comment by Constance — February 17, 2013 @ 10:18 pm

27. I find my son feels lonely now also. He says he hasn’t any friends. This is true because kids don’t understand and the schools ignore it all. I am frustrated – can you tell?! I need answers. My son has been in a private catholic school for seven years, the principal ignores his issues, the teachers are frustrated, and pushing him out of the way is sad. They don’t know what to do with him. I can’t stand this whole life for him.

    Comment by Constance — February 17, 2013 @ 10:21 pm

28. Angela, Faith is all we have for this. The kids don’t stop. Our kids feel like hell because there is no stopping the bullies. They tell my son he is stupid. Actually he is brilliant, he merely has slow thought processing. But now he asks me if he is stupid. UGH. I HATE BULLIES.

    Comment by Constance — February 17, 2013 @ 10:24 pm

29. Thanks Dave Angel
    Any help is great for parents and family members when dealing with the BULLIES at the school face. I had to protect my daughter at all times and my former husband. I don’t see my former husband anymore as he has a new relationship. I hope he’s happy.

    Comment by Jenny — February 17, 2013 @ 11:22 pm

30. Please help me…I was a teacher who was the defender of the bullied..3 students committ horrific bullycides….The bullys were at first the kids, then the teachers…all kids had AS like mine..I became a witness for the Sate of Rhode Island to tell themm what I saw….I lost my job…The Administration have bullying me and now my son….long sad story try to google me…I need help…I am sick now of the false allegations against me…6 years now. I am bankrupt….from the meds I now have advanced ostioporosis and much more….We have been in the newspaper…..the schools here do not follow their rules…help from Lincoln, RI, USA

    Comment by Pamela Azar — February 18, 2013 @ 5:53 pm

31. I feel so sad reading some of these posts; especially about the bathroom bully. I hope those parents went to the police and filed criminal charges against the school and had an investigation opened to find the culprits. Whoever did that to their son are criminals and are guilty of sexual assault at the very least and no matter what their age. Until bullies are help accountable the same way adults are held accountable for assault, it will not stop. And I agree with the Grandma too. I’ve dealt with kids who were bothering my son the same way. But if the school does not help you, go to the police.

    Comment by Leesah — February 19, 2013 @ 11:54 am

32. A response for Constance. Yes, I know that bullies are cunning and by definition, cowards. But that is precisely what you can focus on when confronting them. I am not saying my own approach when I caught them red-handed is for everyone. But it worked for me at the time. Maybe it was because my grandson stood right by my side without flinching as I rebuked the three older boys who had been taunting him. They didn’t have to go and seek him out as a ‘snitch’ in other words. Who knows. I do know that the tone I used and the well-practised authority voice I used, which came from a lifetime as a teacher may also have helped.
    I am really sorry to hear that your own efforts seem to have made things worse, and I’m sorry you feel upset. I agree that we need to work on our children in giving them coping skills for when we’re not with them. For let’s face it, most of never catch bullies in the act the way I luckily did that afternoon. I also know that another group of individuals may pop up at any time and have a go at him. And this is why we’re trying to work with my grandson using social stories -even to the point where I’ve written little playlets and scripts where he can role play with me. Good luck anyway with your own child. I hope things get better for you. It’s VERY tough being a parent of such needy children and I know my son and his wife worry constantly to the point where some days they can’t sleep or enjoy life. It’s a ceaseless worry but being strong, smiling, and and remaining a rock for your child can work wonders in building confidence. Sincerely, Mary (UK)

    Comment by Mary — February 20, 2013 @ 7:18 pm

33. Pamela – how can we help?

    Comment by admin — February 21, 2013 @ 5:47 pm

34. Positive note Dave. My Daughter the 9yr girl who had to change school after years of Parent, teacher and Kid assaults and bullying at her school; on the weekend won her Regional Discus championships, and got 3rd in Shot put and 4th 1500m run (Able bodied not AWD) and is now off to the the NSW Little Athletics State Championships in three weeks… Why, How did she do it after shuting down and being in a dreadful mental state over school? Answer: Support and encouragement. She is so supported by the people who are at our Little Athletics club, they help her, support her and encourage her. Schools need to realise that a small amount of effort can produce great gains for everyone, A lot of the Aspergers kids we know are great at something and when encouraged and not harrassed have achieved at a high level.

    Comment by Cap — February 26, 2013 @ 7:59 pm

35. My best advice to protect your child from bullies (Other than intervention from the school & teachers etc) is for your child to be with friends. There is safety in numbers. Plus they will have the support of their friend/s.
    Most bullies are cowards, they only pick on kids weaker / younger than them and especially alone. kids that are or act different from others are the prime targets of bullies. Always being alone also sets kids up as targets.

    My son (Then 8 now 10) was being bullied at school for quite a while before we worked out what was going on. He would be miserable after school and eventually would be crying for hours every night. I spoke to his teachers and head of school & they soon sorted out the problem. They set up activities during recess & lunch to keep kids busy & break the cycle that was going on. They also were supportive with my son to teach him to play with kids his own age (He previously played alone or with his older brother & his friends) so now he has his own friends to play with and has company at school.
    Have other people talk to your kids about school. My other son told my sister that he was being bullied but hadn’t told me(she is a teacher & told him what to do & that fixed his bullying problem. He is not an ASPIE, just very shy).

    Comment by Canary Mum — March 12, 2013 @ 7:31 pm

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