Explaining Aspergers to a friend
Hi everyone I’ve just got back from another nursery visit today; as my quest continues to find a nice place for my daughter. This morning’s visit was much better than last week – lovely staff, plenty of great activities, good health and safety procedures, tidy and clean BUT …
No places are available until April – Doh!! (as the “great” Homer Simpson would say).
Never mind onwards and upwards as they say. And talking of onwards I’m currently in discussion with a web designer out in California to help me design the new Aspergers site – which is going to be much, much better and more interactive than the current site! My aim is to build it into much more of a community where we can all share, learn and develop alongside one another. As well as offering much more support and help than is currently possible. So keep tuned in and like I say I am hoping this will all be ready in January.
This week’s blog post covers the following thorny question …
Question
How should a 14-year-old boy with Asperger’s explain to a neurotypical friend what Asperger’s is?
Answer
Here is a good script for a 14-year-old to follow: (Notes might be helpful and your son should practice this with you before he talks to a friend.)
“Asperger’s is a form of autism. When I say autism, I mean that there’s a little difference in how my brain is put together. It’s probably been there since I was born, and it’s affecting me as I grow up. What I have is called Asperger’s Syndrome. The symptoms I have were first seen by a guy named Asperger. It can affect my language, awareness of my senses, my movements, and emotions. Asperger’s can’t be cured, but there are things like medications out there that can help me deal with it. It doesn’t make me weird or wrong or inferior; it’s a different way of experiencing the world that most people don’t understand.”
“You might have heard me say a lot of up front things to people, and that’s one of the differences. Kids with Asperger’s Syndrome say exactly what they mean without being aware of what can happen. We might not be aware of the consequences of what we say. Someone might hear me say something, and they might think I meant something else, or someone might get offended at what I say. I don’t mean to put people off or offend them, but that’s the way the words come out, and I’m not always aware of how people will react. On the other hand, some people will see me as being totally honest, but not offensive. It depends on the person who I’m talking to, but I don’t mean to offend anyone. I need help in saying things carefully so that I don’t hurt people’s feelings.”
“Another situation I have trouble dealing with is body language. The way people move or sit can say a lot about how they feel. Sometimes, I make mistakes when I see other people’s body language. I can’t get a handle on facial expressions and what they mean. If I’m talking with someone and they’re being subtle with their body language, I won’t notice it, and I don’t get what they’re saying with their body language. It can make the other person angry or frustrated or confused, but, with time and some help, I can make myself more aware of what someone means by their body language.”
“Hey, there’s one really huge difference that I go through. I don’t really care about being cool, and some people think I’m going against a lot of other people, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. It might make people give me a hard time or think I’m out there, but I’m not. I just have my own special interests.”
“When I go to a movie and the sound is loud, I don’t like it. I don’t even want to be in a movie theatre if there’re loud noises or a lot of lights flashing, like in the sci-fi movies. It makes me just want to go home to get away from it. Sometimes sounds and lights are so intense that they actually hurt me.”
“But there’s one thing I hope you’ll understand. Having Asperger’s isn’t all bad. I’m honest, caring, and really smart. The doctor said that there’re a lot of really successful people, like doctors, authors, and business people with Asperger’s. If you want to ask me any questions, I’ll answer them as best I can.”
In addition to using the above script, read the book Asperger’s Download: A Guide to Help Teenage Males with Asperger’s Syndrome Trouble-Shoot Life’s Challenges by Josie and Damian Santomauro.
This book is a terrific resource for adolescents and their parents. It discusses some of the life passages in young adulthood, and it is written in terms that teenagers find understandable. It has relevance and authenticity based on the author’s personal experiences, and it can help your son get through his teen years with less interpersonal conflict.
Thanks for reading and enjoy your week,
Dave Angel
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Hi, Great clear “cut to the chase” article. Although this is targeted at a 14 year old Aspergers sufferer, I found this useful because it can apply equally to an adult with the condition.
My partner - as I’ve since found out - is an Aspergers sufferer.
The article gives me clarity and puts things in perspective. I’m sure other adults would concur with me on this one.
Thanks
Comment by Gillian — October 28, 2008 @ 8:20 am
Incredible article. I wish i had that as a base when i was at school. I might have liked people a lot more now.
Comment by Tylen Aneurin — October 28, 2008 @ 8:20 am
I am 22 years old. if i wish to explain to my friends as well, will this work for me?
Comment by geraldine — October 28, 2008 @ 8:26 am
Maybe in there he could say something about it not being contagious. People are always worried they are going to “catch it” especially if it’s not something familiar to them.
Comment by Mara — October 28, 2008 @ 8:31 am
Thanks so much for your web site it’s been so heplful. I don’t feel so alone. My son is 10 years old & seems to be doing well through pray, medication, a good dr. , and caring friends.
God bless you and keep up the good work
Comment by michelle landreneau — October 28, 2008 @ 8:40 am
i forgot to say…i have mild asperger.
Comment by geraldine — October 28, 2008 @ 8:42 am
IGNORANCE IS A DESEASE,NOT ASPERGERS,IGNORANCE CAN BE CONTAGIOUS; WE NEED TO EDUCATE PEOPLE ABOUT ASPERGERS AND ALL TYPES OF AUTISM,IS A SHAME THAT IN A COUNTRY OF SUCH ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY, PEOPLE COULD THINK ASPERGERS OR ANY AUTISM COULD BE CONTAGIOUS GOD HELP THEM!
Comment by ANA — October 28, 2008 @ 9:35 am
This is the most useful to me newsletter you have ever done. What you said above does not just apply to teens. This can work to explain me to folks and I’m 51 years old. I figured out I was a proud Aspergian at the age of 49 and have since had it professionally confirmed. The only thing you need to add is we also have painful gut problems that make us have to avoid certain foods and we can’t process heavy metals and toxins as well as Neurotypicals can. We also are often bothered by many smells such as perfumes that Neurotypicals like. If you had added that, this would be perfect.
Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — October 28, 2008 @ 9:55 am
I have a 14 year old son. No offense, but he would never say any of the above. First of all, the tone of the article ‘assumes’ that he has something ‘wrong’ with him, and in my opinion, invites or perpetuates the social problems. Bottom line, his brain processes differently than most peoples’ brain. (which he is willing to tell people) Different, not wrong. So sometimes he ‘misconstrues’ or misinterprets communication, and can have some difficulty because of the way he processes.
In a social situation, he does not want to appear too different. This is a teenager we’re talking about here, not an adult. It’s hard enough to get him to understand himself and his differences, let alone to teach others about AS or Autism.
How he sees the world, his interpretation, is a gift. Labels and justifications for behaviors only perpetuate the social problems. He will figure out his way, socially, like all of us.
Comment by Carren Abrams — October 28, 2008 @ 10:49 am
How can I stop my 8 year old worrying about everything to the point he even wets the bed, even the clocks going back did it. I havent even had a diagnosis and the school seem to think because he hasnt an educational problem then he hasnt got one, please help.
Comment by Amanda Beetham — October 28, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
Way to go Carren!!! I have the same feeling about Aspergers….a gift not a death sentence.
Even through the difficulties…they are so awesome!! My son is 18 and does not want to share at this point. Actually, teens themselves are very quirky and strange and I feel they stand out less during this time.
I’m not judging anyone but here.
Everyone has their own special issues and we need to embrace them and stand back and live. All the predjudice’s aside.
Kim
Comment by kim — October 28, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
I’d love a script for a girl, since their symptoms are different. I have a teenaged daughter with Aspie, and through all my reading, etc. I have discovered that I have it myself.
Comment by Susan Lewis — October 28, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
I have a 16 year old, at this point, things are a little easier than they were when he was younger, but it’s out of all the struggles and hard times that we try to come up with ways to help others through them.
I don’t think that the tone of the newsletter implies that something is wrong, just that society interprets our Aspies as having some form of “glitch”. Giving the children tools to use in these situations which inevitably come up is just an attempt to help those who usually would judge, come to a better understanding, and to help our kids help themselves in awkward situations.
Nobody is saying they should go around making excuses for themselves. There are reasons for the quirks which make them so wonderfully unique, inviting others their own age to understand is a great way to stretch their social muscles all the more.
Comment by Paula Gibson Griffith — October 28, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
My daughter is younger (8) how do you explain to other young children. The parents you can tell the above but that’s to much for a small child to understand.
One friend of my daughters call her rude and moody. Her mother has told her “people that won’t talk back to you are rude and not worth your time” I asked her if she had explained to her daughter about mine and she said no she didn’t know what to tell her and it would just be making excuses for her not talking. What do you say to that??
One other little girl crys every time she tries to hug my daughter and she runs away or if my daughter just won’t talk to her that day. How do make little ones understand??
Karla
p.s. I feel the same as many of you on the note that this is not a curse.. I posted on myspace about it recently. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=198246606&blogID=442413386 Check it out if you like.
Comment by Karla — October 28, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
This is helpful however I would like more info dealing with girls (pre teen)with aspergers.
Comment by Annette — October 28, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
My son is 10yrs and isn’t yet comfortable with his diagnosis (1yr ago). I would love for him to be at the point where he is willing to talk to anyone about having Asperger’s. It’s getting lonelier by the day because his peers are finding him “stranger” than they used to. I do think talking to his friends that still accept him would help them understand his Aspie traits and maybe they’ll stick around. I don’t know???
Comment by Tricia Hackworth — October 28, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
I think the information in the article is helpful but I agree that I doubt a 14 year old could convey that to his peers (it’s way too long) In simple terms perhaps. i.e. “My brain processes information a bit differently, sometimes at a higher level then most typical people. I need patience and understanding so if you are frustrated with me, tell me and I will try harder. It may appear that I don’t always value our friendship but I DO!.”
One thing to consider (especially in Tricia’s comment) is perhaps approaching the parents of their peers and explain it to them (send them this script) so that they as adults can help explain to “their” children about the slight differences and to respect and accept those differences in other human beings.
Comment by Lori Caron — October 28, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
My son is 8 and in third grade. He would never say anything like this out loud… but if he had something like this in bits and pieces to respond as situations come, it would be helpful. For example - he can’t tolerate a lot of smells and often won’t eat lunch at school because the smells of the other kids’ lunches make him sick. So he eats applesauce. And in a restaurant, we bring his meal - we always have to explain to the server that he is a “picky eater” and just won’t eat anything off their menu, and then he’ll brag about it. :eyeroll:
On the flip side, his report card today had a comment from the teacher (aware of his PDD/high functioning autism and ADHD diagnoses) that said he makes the other kids “think outside the box” because “he looks at things from a different angle”. So it’s a mixed blessing.
Maybe these suggestions could be boiled down to a few one- or two-sentence sound bites they could learn to use in response to given situations. Then if the other person is interested they could explain about the diagnosis, etc.
Comment by satscout — October 28, 2008 @ 4:08 pm
Was this written by an actual 14 year old Aspie?
Comment by John Lionheart — October 28, 2008 @ 6:59 pm
My going on 13 yr old grandson is comfortable knowing he has AS. He read a couple of pages of Tony Attwood’s book. He knows hes different. He is lucky this year as his teacher tells him if his behaviour is inappropriate. I have been able to talk to her about his differences. He likes his teacher and his class mates have adjusted to him even though he didn’t settle in with a group till he got into his third group. (They have the class in table lots of 5.) His behaviour is more apparent now especially in team sports and social-wise and camps. Camps mainly because he is such a picky eater.
Comment by Lillian Carde — October 28, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
I have a 11 year old boy diagnosed with Attributes of Aspergers we believe he has aspergers. He wanted to let his friends know so the principle talked to his class and let them know he had attributes of aspergers showed a DVd Intricate minds and then my son shared about what it was to have aspergers for him. He is very articulate and I realise not all children would be able to talk. If it was just a teacher or principle that did it may help some children. It went very well the children no tell him if he is “overloaded” and understand some of his habits better. He felt better because he didn’t feel like he was lying to them any more. It does benefit everyone being honest.
Comment by Karol Jansen — October 28, 2008 @ 11:21 pm
well i read it with interest and did find some things interesting and hope they will be useful to my 14 DAUGHTER i know its predominatly a male condition which doesnt help when a young woman who is trying to find her slot in the world and then perceives things as shes manly ….:(
However I think for the older kids it may well be very useful to let them read this and pick out what they would like to say after all its them that sometimes…knows how they feel.
We have moved countries and the difference in teaching style + age seem to have an amazing effect on her, the thing is she too is amazing at thinking outside the box, she thought that she would never master arabic but in fact as its “shapes” for writing turns out shes getting near 100% each time , and some of her new pals are saying boy that s really clever i wouldnt have given that a thought, so i think its amazing just how different cultures also view things differently , thus relieving a lot of pressure to conform.Anyway im digressing , i guess i too have had to adapt to giving mega explanations for every little thing .
So i have to say once handled its a gift can be a curse at times for them wishing they werent so different bt things like this to help us show them the positives and help us understand them is excellent ..keep up the good work and thanks.
Comment by helen hanson — October 29, 2008 @ 12:36 am
My Daughter was diagnosed at nearly 10 (She’s now nearly 12). It’s not a predominantly male issue, it’s just that girls are harder to diagnose because they deal with “life” differntly to boys. We try to see AS as a different way of thinking and dealing with things. My daughter has some wonderful resources to help her along the way, including explaining AS to her close friends, or as necessary. We leave that up to her. Her favourite is “All cats have Asperger Syndrome” which has helped explain it to herself, so she can then explain it to others. And it’s a great laugh.
Comment by ccmum — October 29, 2008 @ 3:15 am
Thank you so much for this article. My 6 year old is an Aspie and his brother is who is 7 is always asking “WHY DOES HE ACT THAT WAY”. It frustrates him and though I have tried to explain that his brother has a different view on things and handles situations differently than most, he is angry and still has a hard time understanding why his brother “doesn’t get it” regarding rules, ways to act in public, etc…. We are working on though and hopefully this article will help him understand a little more as we take this journey together as a family.
Thank you again- Alisia Payne
Comment by Alisia Payne — October 29, 2008 @ 6:39 am
My almost 12 year old is to be told of his dx. I have had suggestions to give him to read “Famous People with Aspergers” Have you heard of this? Is it any good? (articles not official enough for him)
Comment by T. Bingeman — October 29, 2008 @ 11:46 am