Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post ….

Question

I need to help my child deal with friends and rejection of friends.  I want to be able to help my son fit in with his peers.

Answer

Everybody wants friends.  Friendships are what make us who we are developmentally, emotionally, and intellectually.  It starts when we’re babies.  Parents sit mesmerized, waiting for the baby to make eye contact, smile, and coo.  It’s the beginning of real, social connection.  From that moment, life is all about friends.

As little children, we spend most of our time trying to make and keep friends.  The early years of school continue to focus primarily on friendships, emphasizing socialization over academics.  Yet, children with Asperger’s Syndrome have genuine struggles making friends and keeping them.  This sets the stage for most of the obvious problems related to Asperger’s.

Your son should know that you are an available support for him when things happen that are beyond his control.  Asperger’s kids need structured, step-by-step guidelines to help them in sticky situations.  You can set up a plan for him to use when dealing with his friends and peers.

Use your son’s specific friendships to draw out your guidelines.  If he has a friend who is happy to play, but acts differently when others are around, he needs a plan of action on how to handle the situation.  This can be pretty typical behavior for kids when they fall into social cliques.  Help him make a list of “if-then” actions.

• If my friend is happy to play, then we’ll play together on the swings.

• If my friend calls me names in front of other kids, then I will play with someone else or tell my teacher.

• If my friend acts like he doesn’t know me, then I will tell him I don’t like how he is treating me.

Another example could be time on the playground.  Lay out the guidelines of acceptable behavior on the playground.  Give him examples of problems that may arise and write out guidelines on how to deal with these issues.  With practice your son will be able to replay his guidelines in his mind and put them into action.

• If a kid bullies you on the playground, tell the teacher as soon as possible.

• If a teacher doesn’t help you with a bully on the playground, tell another adult you trust as soon as you can.

• If the kids try to skip your turn on the slide, calmly tell them it is your turn. 

Rejection is tough for all of us.  There will be times when your son will be rejected.  It may be that his Asperger’s has nothing to do with the rejection. You can still have guidelines for dealing with rejection.  He should know what appropriate behavior is for a person who has been rejected.  Reassure him that this is normal and that everyone suffers from rejection at some point in life.

A book that may help your situation is “The Friendship Factor:  Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness” by Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D. and Andrea Thompson. 

This book will help you understand the importance of friendships in relation to all areas of development.  You can learn more about it at  http://www.mcssl.com/app/aftrack.asp?AFID=559699&u=www.asperger.net/bookstore_F112.htm

It will give you specific strategies you can use to help navigate the waters of friendship with your Asperger’s child.

Have a great day

Dave Angel

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Articles posted this week at The Parenting Aspergers Community

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I live in the USA and would love to find out about financial support and how to apply for it.

It’s difficult to advise you without knowing in which state you live. Please be aware that parents of Asperger’s children often have difficulty getting financial support as Asperger’s is often not recognized as a serious disability. It’s very unlikely that you will be able to get full financial support. However, there are some resources I can recommend …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/260.cfm
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My son will strip off at times and swear — how can I stop these behaviors?

Because of an inability to control impulses, understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and empathize with others’ feelings, as well as experiencing nearly constant frustration in dealing with daily life, children with Asperger’s often behave inappropriately at home or in public. Stripping off is particularly inappropriate and is something about which you must be direct and forceful. Your son may …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/259.cfm
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My son is still soiling himself. He wants to continue to play or do school work, and avoid pooping in the toilet or wiping himself until clean because it “takes too long.” What can I do?

I am assuming that your son is between the ages of 3 and 10. It is not at all unusual for children of this age, especially boys, to act this way, whether they have Asperger’s or not! In many schools this is a fairly common problem. Children will often …

To read the full article go to: -

http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/258.cfm
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