Girls with Aspergers … do they have different relationships?

20 comments »

1. Are girls today really being taught to be passive as in past times? My kids, 2 with autism, are HARDLY passive, hopefully thanks to my guidance.

   Comment by Michele Beth — December 2, 2008 @ 6:37 pm

2. Our daughter’s Asperger’s was not diagnosed until she was 15, but, looking back, we can’t see that she had symptoms before developing epilepsy aged 12. However, she did have a particular ‘motherly’ friend in gr 5 who was a gr 6, and was lost once that friend moved on to secondary school. When she chooses to she copes very well socially, but often prefers to just stay in her room when visitors are here. Now at 17 she has no time for the opposite sex. (We’re waiting for that one to kick in!) So she tends to avoid boys like the plague. She has been out of school for 18 months but is now saying she wants to go back to complete her secondary education. It will be extremely interesting – and challenging – to see how she goes!

   Comment by Christine — December 2, 2008 @ 6:49 pm

3. I am a 30-yr-old woman with Asperger’s Syndrome, and I can relate to many things in this article.

   One component that always seems to be missing from these explanations is motivation. Speaking only for myself, not only did I not possess proper social skills, I simply did not care for social contact. I used to say to my mother, “Do I HAVE to talk to these people?” I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone – not completely, of course, but social contact existed strictly on my own terms. I suspect this is precisely why girls like me have imaginary friends. Because you are in full control of the social situation.
   (I eventually found a way to channel this – I became a writer!)

   I had one or two “best friends” in school who provided that gateway to the rest of the world. These days, it’s my husband.

   Learning social skills is dead easy. Getting to the point where you CARE about learning social skills, that’s more difficult. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I care and have done quite well, and periods where I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.

   Independent living was no problem for me. Like I said, I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.

   It’s so difficult to explain how these seemingly conflicting emotions work. Wanting friends and yet not wanting them. Perhaps we are more acutely affected by the little things? I used to think that the other girls were so fake and pretentious. I imitated them, but only up to a point. If I thought the latest trends were stupid, I didn’t do them. Period.

   By the way, I am a married woman with two children. I live on the opposite end of the world from where I grew up. It IS possible. But for me, it’s all about motivation. I did this because I wanted to.

   Comment by Vicky — December 2, 2008 @ 7:21 pm

4. I am the mother of a nearly 12 yo girls with aspergers. We were diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, even though we had known there were “issues” for a number of years. I know both boys and girls with AS, and the girls are very different. My daughter is is different to your typical AS boy that she no longer qualifies of extra help at school. She so desperately wants to be “normal” that she has a script and an act that she follows at school, and returns to her usual aspie self when she gets home. A Jekyll and Hyde person.
   She had a good friend for a number of years at school who was essentially her “carer”. This friend would make sure she was at the right place, doing the correct activity, and generally managing OK. Sadly, this friend is at a different school now, so my daughter just has to manage by herself. But she’s getting there.
   Thankfully the differences between girls and boys with AS are being acknowledged, researched, and passed on to parents and carers, and the girls themselves.

   Comment by ccmum — December 2, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

5. My experience has been quite different with my daughter, now 6. She was diagnosed at age 4 and it was actually her violent behaviour to other children and animals that led to her diagnosis. She would hurt others when she was stressed or saw them playing in a way which was different to that which she believed to be the “correct way”. She is doing much better now due to a gluten free diet however still has the ability and tendency to hurt others. It is obvious she completely lacks instinctual empathy. However she is sooooo beautiful and tries hard to make friends…..though always has her constant imaginary world and friends to fall back on.

   Comment by Trudi — December 2, 2008 @ 10:13 pm

6. I haven’t been diagnose with Asperger. Nevertheless when I stumbled with this definition, i was able to find the place where the answers to all of my questions resided. I was raised in a very tolerant environment; therefore my behavior was not reason for discussion. Even though I’ve been able to do everything I set out to do, it was not without an internal fight within me, with pain, always yearning for a quiet safe place. I do feel for people, this does not fit into the definition, there are grades of asperger, they say, but I feel better when I am alone. Before finding this definition of Asperger, I had this mental question constantly in my mind “where I came from, I am not from this planet, where are my equals?” Sounds crazy. For now I’ll leave these thoughts out there. Maybe later I’ll write some more. Perhaps we may start a conversation.

   Comment by Mad — December 2, 2008 @ 10:44 pm

7. I have an 8 year old girl that was recently diagnosed within the last year. She had no friends and is never invited to all the other birthday parties from girls in her class room. We have been working so hard with her to learn proper and socially acceptable behavior, but when she wants attention, she will not engage in conversation, but act out by making a loud irrating noise, picking her nose, scab, ear, etc. to gross them out as it brings attention. Trying to teach her positive interactions is so difficult because she tends to want to act badly. When she is frustrated we try to teach her to voice it instead of destroying things. She falls under the AS/OCD/ADHD areas and right now she targets lights/lamps/light bulbs as her focus to destroy. Previously it was t.v. sets – an expensive destruction. The lights or lighting fixtures are also not so cheap. Before that it was an obsession with throwing drinks down or basically clearing the table with a fell swoop of her hand. I don’t blame the other children for avoiding her, but it breaks my heart to know she is not accepted and that is what she desperately wants. It takes so much patience and understanding with her that I have all I can do to control myself when she is extra challenging. She is now on Cymbalta, which has helped, but I don’t think there is a drup out there that could help with all problems. She can be the sweetest little girl, but if she doesn’t get the attention she wants when she wants it, she always resorts to bad behavior. I have gotten past the point of embarrasement and humilation as I had to help her function. I pray every night for the strenght to get her to where she socially accepted. She is old enough now to fully recognize rejection and I am afraid it will get worse as she gets older and is ignored or rejected. Any ideas? I have joined as a leader in the local scouting organization, coached softball, sometimes she is worse when I am around. I am frustrated that I can not get thru to her and all the love on earth can’t cure her.

   Comment by Marlene — December 3, 2008 @ 3:38 am

8. its great to read something pertaining to girls i never got a great deal of information for my daughter.Its very encouraging to read the comments from the lady who is married with children , nice to hear a direct perspective that said now my daughter who is now 14 pulls no punches in telling me how it is for her and why shoudl she xyz we are at this point at a good phase i have becaome aware of a jekyl and hyde side of her she does learn from others but is very impressionable so if the company is good life is great if they are not …its hard slog.anyway great to see some info on girls, oh and just to add my daughter hates people bu loves them and wants them on her terms its getting her to be quiet about the things that drive her nuts say as someon walks by and their hair reminds her of shredded wheat she has her ipod in and forgets how loud shes sayin it and thinks shes being discreet….its teenagers angst and them some for many situations..but liek everyone else we muddle through , she is however incredibly clever and able to think outside the box even better than most boys ..i just wanted to add that cos i am fascinated by that part !!!
   p.s its always great to hear everyone elses experiences in relation tothe article so thanks everyone and thanks dave most of all for this.

   Comment by helen hanson — December 3, 2008 @ 5:33 am

9. My 21yr old son who is has not been officially diagnosed as asperger shows all the signs. Before he was finally put on medication to help him sleep and control his moodiness he would lose control if noone paid attention to what or who was bothering him. He expects everyone to love him unconditionally;if not he would punish me,his father,and his mother by breaking things in the house. We were at our wits end because we could not find a doctor to get help for him.
   It took a near tragedy in Toronto which somehow guided my wife to taking him to the Drug and Alcohol Abuse and Mental Health Hospital. That is where we finally got help from a psychiatrist. Now Desi is able to control himself and we can reason with him. He lives for helping others to the extreme and gets very hurt if he thinks he has not parted on good terms with someone. His struggle is still with focusing on tasks. I find it impossible to help him get from point A to B. He spends forever in the bathroom and doing a million things before he is satisfied to go out the door to school or an appointment. Worse yet he wants to go when my wife needs to leave for one and gets very upset. We fear more violence will be his vindication for not co-operating with his take forever to get ready habits. There is plenty of good times too thanks to the meds. There’s more but maybe someone could just email me if you want to talk. bye. Desmond’s dad.

   Comment by Larry — December 3, 2008 @ 6:30 am

10. My daughter is 8 and is remarkable! She loves life, is intelligent, doesn’t understand peer pressure so beats to her own drum, has her own style of fashion, does have a best friend that has taken her under her wing. Thank for the article. As a parent I am always teaching new social skills, just last month she didn’t know not to spit on the floor. Common sense is not there. Once told that is not appropriate this is what you do … no problem. I am so excited to hear of a mother of 2 who has done well. My daughter is very creative and telling too. Final out of the tantrum stage about 1 year, yipee!! Good luck to all!

    Comment by Pam Hunt — December 3, 2008 @ 8:30 am

11. I would love to get in contact with Christine (posted #1). My daughter is also 17 and was diagnosed at age 15. She too, has not yet finished her secondary education. I would love to have another aspie mom to talk to. Email me at janmmpi@yahoo.com.

    Comment by Jan — December 3, 2008 @ 10:41 am

12. I would be interested in connecting with “Vicky”, who posted #2. I have a 23 year old daughter who seems very similar, and only now seems to be getting a sense of direction for her future. Her first stab at college had mixed results, mostly related to motivation, and is now looking to go back since she finally has some goals.
    Until a couple of years ago, her tendancy was to isolate herself whenever possible. Now she goes to a “clubhouse” set up for people with mental disorders and looks forward to their social events. She is very interested in writing and linguistics. I can be reached at krfritts@comcast.net

    Comment by Karen — December 3, 2008 @ 2:05 pm

13. I am so pleased about the feedback. I have a 13 year old neice with ASP I have custody of and she is the biggest joy in my life and the biggest thorn in my side when she wants to be. She has come a long way in the 2 years she has been with me. She is a social butterfly but after about 10 minutes the social newness wears off of the other butterflies. She also has immaginary friends. Any country male star you can think of and talks to these like they are right beside her. This worries me. she knows they are not real to her but she blurs reality. Any one else out there with that problem. Any suggestions. please email me at katharine.mccarty@bp.com

    Comment by Kathy McCarty — December 3, 2008 @ 2:17 pm

14. I have a daughter w/ Asperger’s, she was diagnosed in 3rd. grade and she is now in 7th grade. It has been difficult for her socially, yes but with being diagnosed esrly she was able to learn techniques & strategies to guide her through social difficulties. She is truly above average in intelligence and its hard for her to relate with girls her own age. And journaling helps them to get their feelings out any way they need to say it, its their own words and thoughts and they don’t stay bottled up.

    Comment by Connie Whitmer — December 3, 2008 @ 9:06 pm

15. My daughter is 13, was diagnosed at 9 as is currently out of school. She is bright, intelligent and caring but can’t handle the school environment, we are still struggling with the authorities to work out a suitable solution. She, like you has discovered a really good outlet in writing which I am encouraging, whether it leads to anything remains to be seen but it is good for her. Thankyou for your encouraging note, it helps alot to hear from people who can speak from direct experiance of aspergers.

    Comment by Pam — December 4, 2008 @ 3:50 am

16. I am a 33-year old woman with Aspergers. I was diagnosed at the age of 27, prior to that my only diagnosis was problem child. I’ve always had problems with social skills and understanding where people are coming from, but I am not quiet or passive. I’m highly outgoing and talkative. People used to think I was insensitive if I didn’t notice when someone was crying because I was busy with my own thoughts at the time. As a child I was bullied and teachers thought I was trying to wind people up. I’m relieved to hear there are as many girls as boys with Aspergers and I hope in the future they’ll be able to cut out the stereotypes, the ignorance and diagnose and help these people.

    Comment by Amy — December 4, 2008 @ 6:38 am

17. That was a great explanation – thank you, Vicky! (Coment 2). It is very interesting, how you can see the situation from the position of adult. It seems, my son has the same issues like yours(he is not aggressive at all), but he keeps asking, if he should contact with somebody, if he does not want. He has an imaginary friends, he even explains that he feels more secure by having them. It seems that when he wants or interested – he might make an effort and make a friends. I’m afraid that all the “help from professionals” does not really help untill these kids realizing, what they really need in their life. My son just took a course of Social skills (8 weeks long) – he had finished the course and forgot whatever they were talking about. So, none of specialists can really tell, what is the measuring scale for those kids to become “normal” or to improve their skills…..

    Comment by Inna — December 5, 2008 @ 12:03 pm

18. Hi, I normally read thru these notes and pass on by but this time things clicked – we have a nine year old girl who was diagnosed 4yrs ago with AS. We had no idea the disorder existed. Thinking back I can see how she has copied movies and other girls and how she has a face that gets her thru the school day and how the aspie frustrated face comes on when she comes thru the door, home. She also as always consiered 2 of her dollies as wee sisters – I never understood this b4 now, she also talks to herself a lot. We got her a wee dog who she dotes on and is slowly building a firm relationship with. I will be checking out the books suggested – any pointers are helpful. Cheers!!!! All the best too everyone.

    Comment by Kirsten — December 5, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

19. Our daughter was 16 when she was finally diagnosed. Sadly, because she does not present typically, (she is extremely verbal and tends to talk non-stop) She was first diagnosed with ADHD, then Non-verbal LD, then anxiety and depression, bi-polar, OCD and ODD. MOstly she was very unhappy, very lonely, and angry. School was an unmitigated disaster in elementary school: she was bullied but the school felt she was to blame because she was so “annoying”. Her lack of progress at school was determined to be a result of her “attitude, oppositional behaviour, and lack of motivation”. Her repetitive picking behaviours, temper blow outs and obsessive interest in animals were ignored or attributed to our parenting abilities. Once diagnosed, the school became quite a bit more accommodating, but truthfully, most people still find it difficult to accept her behaviours as part of a syndrome. She still suffers from the intolerance of others. After so many years of being told she SHOULD know better and should behave in a more appropriate manner, she no longer feels as though she deserves, needs or wants help: it makes her feel bad to get help.
    Slowly, painfully, she is making tiny gains – like agreeing to see her case worker once a month to get help with socialization.

    Comment by Clarice Kloezeman Thornton — December 5, 2008 @ 8:10 pm

20. Hi, I’d like to share about a parenting course I’ve been doing recently which is all about noticing the good things our kids do and when they are being effective – rather than pointing out their deficits. How would we feel if we were at school or in an environment where everyone was fixated on the things we weren’t good at. I am experimenting on applying this habit of full on ‘descriptive praise’ to promote social skills around real life interaction’s with my childs aspie friends.

    Comment by http://aspergerschool.blogspot.com/ — December 6, 2008 @ 2:53 am

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