Helping siblings to cope with Aspergers …

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1. I have a child who has learned this behaviour in school by other kids being kids and when he inappropriated repeated the behaviour not understanding the school rewarded him by sending him home. This rewarded his negative behaviour because school was torture to him. He behaved very well at home and never teased or swore at anyone. Sending him to his room for a time out did nothing as this was also a reward. Please make sure you understand what your daughter values and take that away …giving her a timeout by herself my be rewarding because she was probably yelling at your other child because she wanted to be alone. Traditional behaviour techniques such as guilt never worked as the aspie child (some) do not feel the guilt there must be a concrete reason not to do it outside of how a person feels. Say it like it is and really think about it logically and without emotion to determine how to address it with your child. Change is one of the biggest issues, change of anykind, we cannot always ask the child with a disabiltiy to change if the disability is adapting to change. You have to explain to your younger child that this is a person with a disability and they sometimes react without the forsight to know the consequence of there action. They know they have errored after they error but do not transfer the learning from one situtation to the other and live in the here and now…they don’t think about the past or the future when deciding how to respond and they resond intinctively. You have to be their foresight and observe and note take to see what is impacting the mood. You may have to separate the two at cirtain times, during cirtain activities, for example i found out that while my son was playing a video game 12 year old aspie, he was iritated by the clicking of the mouse from my son who is 8 on the computer in the other room. I arrange that they play together or my son must go to the basement computer. It is things like that you need to find out and adapt your how we do things for an aspie child just like you would hold the door for a person in a wheel chair. They can be equal and beneficial and there strengths can highlighted and they can be as successful as anyone else if given the abiltiy instead of contant punishment for something that is not within there control.

   You will do well in my opionion and experience to look for as many opportunities to reward in a meaningful way to the aspie child when the good times between them are had. Not what you find rewarding what they find rewarding.

   Comment by sharon — December 30, 2008 @ 12:05 pm

2. And the Reversed Role Way is?? My daughter is the youngest at 12 and I have more problems trying to get her elder siblings to understand the way she is…

   Comment by Lee M — December 30, 2008 @ 12:57 pm

3. Our wonderful/terrible three year old granddaughter has huge mood swings. The melt downs are ugly and are always followed by her talking like a baby. When you talk in the articles about evaluations it is obviously necessary but who do you see to get her evaluated? Thank you Sharon

   Comment by Sharon — December 30, 2008 @ 1:05 pm

4. My son who is 7 does the same types of things to my 3 year old son. He has Aspbergers as well as bipolar disorder, adhd, and odd. We have been seeing much progress with his behavior by working with his occupational therapist doing weighted exercises to calm him and the program “How Does Your Engine Run?”. He’s beginning to understand that his “engine” doesn’t have to run on high and this holiday season is the first one since he was about 2 that hasn’t been really stressful. He’s finally learned that there are consequences to his actions. My suggestion to the person with the question is to work with therapists and behavior modification to correct the situation. I’ve had the same concerns with my children. Eventually it will get better.

   Comment by Rose Monette — December 30, 2008 @ 2:52 pm

5. hey just learned a new trick this year that helped us out. for the last few years, my youngest aspie who is now 7 has a big meltdown after his gifts are all opened. the problem is that he wants to open more gifts. we have tried letting him open ours etc but the meltdown always happens. this year we had “4″ christmases to contend with. the first one resulted in the meltdown. this is always horrible because people dont understand that he is not ungrateful but the transition is so hard. the next one resulted in the same meltdown. then i had the idea which maybe some people have used but i had never thought of doing before. on christmas morning i told ayrek that he would have 5 presents to open. then we counted each one and what was left. when we got to the last one i reminded him “this is number 5 and it is the last present” NO MELTDOWN! the warning and reminders made the transition easier. needless to say, this will now be common birthday and christmas practice at our home from now on. happy new year!

   Comment by celeste — December 30, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

6. I really, really needed to read this article right now! So I thank you very much!
   My 14 year old has AS and his sister, 12, has PDD/NOS, and they cannot stand their 3 year old nephew, who had to come and live with us with his mother. They act like it’s the end of the world, and they yell at him at times, don’t want him touching anything, including the dog; they think he has germs. Everything in the hhousehold is practically a nightmare. I’ve been sticking up for my kids because they have autism, and can’t help it, but now when I see the look on my little grandson’s face, how hurt he is that they want nothing to do with him, I get angry. His mother (my oldest) yelled at my son and threatened to hit him if he yelled at her kid again, but he wasn’t scared. This whole year has been so hard on us all, and causes problems between me and my fiance. He’s tougher on the kids than I am. But I’m firmer, and putting my foot down.
   I told them that if the baby is bothering them, to come and tell me and they can talk about their feelings, but if they do it in front of him or hurt his feelings or his mother’s, then that’s a time out ~ no tv, computer, beloved video games, etc. This has been working out well, because they get to get their negative feelings out without the chance of being punished. Also talking about it with their therapist helps alot, too.
   Again, thanks so much for this article at this time!!!
   I can be reached at ~ ms.wilson67@yahoo.com

   Comment by Michele Beth — December 30, 2008 @ 5:08 pm

7. My aspi son and I live very close to his uncle. The uncle loves to decorate his house, which is a nice treat for my son. But this year, I didn’t decorate at all! Our home became the quiet, predictable home.Mt son could go over and get all stimulated, and come home for rest. This year went alot better than previous years! I also agree with giving warnings that something diffrent is coming along. No meltdowns here either, when advance warning is given. Happy new year!

   Comment by Allyson Boan — December 30, 2008 @ 9:13 pm

8. My 8 year old daughter is very similar with mistreatment of her 6 year old brother. She has to or tries to control each and every situation. I believe the school is really trying but is exasperated by her outbursts and behavior. They were singing Happy Birthday to the Teacher and she yelled loud enough that they all stopped – she continiously says “sh*t” or a$$ just to see the shock factor or to get attention. We no longer put soap in her mouth but as her therapist suggested the spice cumin. Nothing helps. Privilidges taken away, sent to her room – if she is upset she will destroy anything she gets her hands on. We are social outcasts, no one wants us around I feel like a prisioner with her. I stand my groung with her, but she still tries to find a way to control something. Fortuneately Christmas went very well, other than a few naughty words around her cousins. My biggest struggle with her is when ever I get her past one bad behavior, it is just replaced by another . . picking scabs to make them bleed & gross out the other kids, trying to kiss the other kids at school, got past those, now it is biting her nails to the point they bleed. She will even take her shoes off and bite her toe nails. Going to the bathroom, I have to follow her in there (discreetly outside the door) and if she has a bowel movement, she will do the fecal smearing all over her legs, the wall, the toilet seat cover, the rugs, you name it. I explain over and over how unhealthy this is and the smell is awful. I usually have to give her a quick bath or wash her up. It is so frustrating. Sometimes she will stick her hands all over her bottom and vagina and then smell it or stick her hands in an unsuspecting persons face or nose. None of her actions go without disiclipine but is always seems she will do anything for attention. Tonight while watching TV, she was sitting in the chair, I was working off in the corner, Dad brother were sitting on the couch. She kept spreading her legs to show her botton to the boys to upset them. She has NEVER seen any sexual content, but yet will always try to hit my husband (Dad) in his private area – he is so uncomfortable around her because of her behavior – we talk about what is in appropriate – Is her behavior so far off from other Aspie’s? I have her in behavioral therapy and she has moved from Paxil to Cymbalta and I think she has went from bad to worse – Any suggestions or ideas from anything other parents have experienced with such bad behavior???? I am so patient with her, but my heart is breaking when it seems I just can’t get her to an acceptable level.

   Comment by Marlene — December 31, 2008 @ 12:29 am

9. My 13 yr old AS grandson is okay at our place but his mum always says she can’t control him at her place. He has trouble getting along with his 8 yr old sibling whom he says gets the 4 year old one to say things like “I hate you” and things like that. I don’t know if its true or not but he gets very unhappy when he has to live around them. His counsellor used to say that if he had a computer type job he would have to work by himself not with others around him so maybe its distraction that upsets him.

   Comment by Lillian Carde — December 31, 2008 @ 5:33 pm

10. I have a son that is 8 and he seems to be closer to his brother that is a year older and not with his brother that is 4 years older then him. Do you have any tips?

    Comment by Michelle Barger — December 31, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

11. I’m sorry Dave, but I disagree with your suggestion for the parents of the 10 year old who is verbally abusive towards her younger sibling. I have tried such things when my eldest was behaving similarly in the past. The end result of this was that he developed a very low self-esteem and felt he could not do anything right. He also felt no-one would ever understand him. Once I realised this was his response, I tried a different tactic.
    For the past few years, I follow this code: Seek first to understand; then to be understood.
    When an altercation occurrs, I separate those involved, give them time to calm down, then I give them each the opportunity to sit with me and talk. It is amazing what insight I gain from just sitting in the room of an upset child / teenager after an incident. Very often,with a child with aspergers, their perception is so far from how we see the world, that unless we seek information from them, we will never understand.
    Once I understand where they are coming from, I am empowered to help them to deal with the situation differently next time.
    I hope this helps.
    from
    Michelle

    Comment by Michelle Tetley — January 1, 2009 @ 8:25 am

12. Some Parents are finding help with their Children through the assistance of Ron Amitron. These can be trying times for anyone, and when we find reactions aren’t what we choose, heart-based responses help all involved.

    Comment by Kathleen Walker — January 2, 2009 @ 1:52 am

13. dear marlene, my heart goes out to you! you are dealling with a very difficult situation. at 8 your daughters behaviors are unacceptable but soon she will reach an age where they become more unacceptable if she has not already done so.

    Comment by linda — January 2, 2009 @ 4:39 pm

14. marlene,i do not know why it would not let me type a longer message so here is a second one i just want to say, do not give up. my son is now 18 and very appropriate in most settings. he lives a more isolated life than most his age but is very polite and makes a great effort not to offend anyone. so there is hope. when he was in preschool he went through a time when he thought everyone was trying to touch his privates and he lashed out inappropriately often. he was even expelled from the preschool at my work for hurting other children. we went to sencory integration training with an occupational therapist that helped to desensitize his skin senetivities and touch issues. we also went to social skills trainging classes twice and saw a therapist 2 or 3 times aweek along with groups. it was expensive and a lot of work but it was all worth it. he is my youngest and i had two teens who were in trouble with drugs at the time he was born so i already knew you pay up front or you pay latter. he went to public shcool from k-5 as he has multiple learning disabilities and had to have special help. i aslo payed privately for vision therapy as well as the sensory integration. he qualified for psychological help through the county (sb3630) as i allowed them to lable him as severly emotionaly disterbued in 1st grade even though i did not beleive that was the problem. all the counseling and groups helped with the behavior issues. i put him in a small chritian school for jr high and high school as he could not deal with all the noise and chaose of the large public middle and high school. he is now in college and struggling. says he has no friends and is very worried about what he is going to do with his life. the issues of behavior are gone. he has been on medication since pre-school. the med that worked best then was Tegretol, but it cause weight gain and in 4th grade we changed to wellbutrin. it helps with his anxiety, consentration and focus. i had to learn never to raise my voice to him, never to use any physical discipline, i could not even take his hand when he was little as it hurt him but i could let him hold my hand so the rule was if you hold my hand in the parking lot or any other dangerous place then i wont have to take hold of your hand or arm. he learned quickly to hold my hand and not let go of it. i have found over the years that if i can discover the cause of the behavior there is always an alternative that will work. the melt downs he had over me taking his hand when we went for a walk ended immediately once i became aware of why he didnt want me to hold his hand, but until i accepted i was hurting him i couldnt look for a solution. for me i had to give up all the things i knew about kids (i had raised 2 boys and was 2nd oldest of 6 kids so thought i knew) and be willing to let my son teach me who he was and how his very different mind and body worked. much of what i learned did not make sence to me but i had to trust he knew himself better than i did. how does an airconditioner coming on in the classroom make him fail a test we had studied so hard for and he could get 100% at home on? that is how i learned about auditory sensetivity and got treatement for desensitizing his irritable brain to the point that he can actually vaccuum or use a lawn mower now, both of which used to send him to his room to hide his head under his pillow. i beleive there are solutions to all problems but sometimes finding the key is like looking for a needle in a haystack. what works for one child will send the next up the wall. this is a very difficult situation you are dealing with and solutions are needed. if you have not had your daughter tested for sensory intergration defecite that would be worth looking into. also learning disabilities are worth checking out. learning how my sons brain works differently allowed me to change the techniques i had used successfully with his brothers but only make situations worse with him. asking for outside help was very inportatnt but trusting my heart and knowing that i knew my child better than any expert help me not to take bad advise. i used a lot of humor and distration as well as routines and consistancy to make a more reasonalbe life for my son and my family. my love and prayers are with you as you look for your solutions. linda,ca

    Comment by linda — January 2, 2009 @ 5:15 pm

15. When do you also start teaching the younger sibling how to interact with her sister who has AS. Why is it all the child with the disabilities fault. Im sure if the mother watches closely enough she will see the trigger. How about you & your husband sit down with her & ask what it is that’s setting her off. Do this when she is calm & can communicate. You must also validate your 10 year olds feelings & let her know she matters also. Im sure you can reach a compromise with the siblings. I have twins & one is AS. They love each other & get along great but the one with out AS knows his triggers & will remove herself & give him time when he as a meltdown. Once he has pulled himself back together he will apoligize to her & they move on. It rarely happens anymore it will be a process. Three year olds like to touch things & are unpredictable very difficult for AS children. Please dont put all the blame & anger on the older child. Listen to her & know it will take time.

    Comment by Anna — January 4, 2009 @ 5:37 pm

16. maybe there is actually an underlining issue to her screaming at her younger sibling. It could be a sensory issue, or the younger child maybe winning her up without knowing that she is. Just have a talk with your 10 yr old and ask her why she is yelling and screaming and her younger sibling. Just try please. I have AS as well, I would want some one to ask me rather then lecture me.

    Comment by Gabby — January 4, 2009 @ 5:39 pm

17. After watching a program on telly where people compete hosting dinner parties , one contestant was rather ‘rotund’ , my ASD son commented that he was full up.

    Comment by Caryanne — January 4, 2009 @ 5:43 pm

18. Marlene, have you had your daughter checked for Tourette’s Syndrome?

    Comment by Anna — January 4, 2009 @ 6:32 pm

19. I am slightly autistic and I had what would be called oppositional defiant disorder these days at times when I was a Kid and Teenager, and I agree with one study done that it is related to depression and the depression comes first. And I can tell you my two biggest triggers. As a Toddler I was extremely hard to toilet train and it was because of the shots; not the brain and immune system damage the shots were doing though I figured that out before I ever heard anyone else say anything about from how they made me feel and think, but from the pain and terror from the shots themselves. It is ridiculous to expect a Toddler who was just put in terrible pain and who is now depressed and angry and frightened because the Persons who are supposed to love and protect them from harm helped Strangers hold them down and hurt them more than they could emotionally handle to start cooperating about toilet training. I’m hurting more than I can stand. I’m scared. I’m terrified it will happen again (and it did happen again and again and again!) and I’m furious at the injustice of it. I come home still sick and hurting, “Poop in the toilet instead of the floor!” Fat chance! How else could I get my well deserved revenge? I remember being very depressed and extremely terrified because I realized it could happen again any time we left the house, and angry, very, VERY angry! She had to be kidding that now she expected me to sit on this big, scary thing and poop in it. It could flush me right down into Hell and if I couldn’t depend on her to save me from those white coated M*o*N*S*T*E*R*S I couldn’t count on her to stop that from happening either. I could pee along the edge of it but to poop I risked being flushed. I was about five or six before I felt big enough to trust not falling into that thing. But I wouldn’t use the little potty chair they bought me either. It was the principle of the thing. They expected too much of me to put up with the shots. I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of a clean floor. Just the pain from the shots alone destroyed my Mother/Child bond because of course she was furious with me back that I kept making her clean stuff up. She also was along the spectrum and her failure to hug and cuddle me and understand I had feelings was also a factor but the shots themselves would have caused a lot of ODD. It also was a big factor in my decision not to get married and have Kids. The other trigger was being lectured about being neat and clean. I was face blind. My face meant nothing to me. So what if it was dirty? I never looked at it so who else did? And while the chemicals in soaps and make up and hair spray and deodorants bothered me a whole lot my own BO and other people’s BO didn’t bother me at all. The more people tried to get me to be neat, to care about my hair and BO, the less I cared and the more I was determined not to be a tame little Human but the big brained, creative Neanderthal that my ancestors probably were. (google the Neanderthal theory + Autism). The teasing from the other Kids was a factor. I knew they would tease me and not like me no matter how I looked or smelled because back when I was younger my Mother had taken OCD levels of care at my appearance and cleanliness (cared more how I looked than how I felt), so I had nothing to gain by worrying about my appearance, and again it was a type of revenge for how I was being treated. I was also exhausted and often had 24/7 migraines from hypothyroidism and adrenal fatigue and this was also a factor. I was too tired to care. Plus having a body temperature of 97.5 instead of 98.6 from the hypothyroidism made me not want to get chillingly and painfully cold and stay that way for hours after I finally got out of the tub. Heavy metal poisoning and gluten intolerance doesn’t just disrupt Oxytocin, it can disrupt all the hormones. The symptom for adrenal fatigue. (Check out http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com) resemble many of the symptoms of autism. I think many of us have those problems too. There are also ways to make shots and needle sticks not hurt. (How do we know that just the stress, pain and terror is not altering Toddler’s brains some how?). I wrote the following so it is alright to tell you how to get into the following website. Scroll down to the bottom and click on the teddy bear circle. I http://www.painlessshots.org. Note 3 s’s. I will be adding some stuff about the dangers of shots soon and how to get a Religious exemption but even Autistics have to have blood tests, chelations, etc.

    Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — January 4, 2009 @ 7:25 pm

20. Marlene, my now 12 year old daughter has PDD/NOS, ODD, OCD, and her behaviour was always sexualized as well. The school she was going to at the time called DCYF because they thought she was being abused. I’ve been with her her whole life and she wasn’t alone with anyone that I could even imagine doing anything to her. She was always like that. Therapists have told me that it is normal for kids with her diagnosis to have such behaviour. She also LOVES to pick at things until they bleed and get infected. She is less sexual now at 12 and 1/2, but still enjoys sexual homour and such. You can reach me at my email ~ ms.wilson67@yahoo.com

    Comment by Michele Beth — January 4, 2009 @ 7:39 pm

21. Hi Dave,
    just wondering if you had any ideas for my 5yo Autistic daughter who wakes every night about 12pm and either gets into bed with us, or spends the next 4 hours wondering the house and having a good time, while my husband and I spend that time fighting with her to go back to sleep.
    We suffer from sleep deprivation quite a lot, I see why its a form of torture. Our Dr recommended breaking the habit, with antidepressants or Vallergan. I would appreciate your comments, as we have tried many natural remedies including homeopathy.
    Thanks
    Karen

    Comment by Karen — January 5, 2009 @ 3:03 am

22. thank’s everyone for sharing. May the Lord give us all an abundance of energy and strength, together with insight, and bless our children meeting their needs this year.

    Comment by k m — January 5, 2009 @ 5:30 am

23. My son has Asperger traits. He has not been formerly diagnosed at this time (still being tested). I find that we experience many of the same problems discussed here, but not to the same degree (highly functioning?). He has the most problems with social interaction at school (public). I am fortunate that the school staff are very open and work closely with he and I to address any issues. But it seems that instead of handling one situation and then going to something different, that we just keep having the same problems over and over every year. He hates school and melt downs have all but disappeared thanks to the close communication of the staff and the support he has from the staff, but he is a social outcast with the kids. He says he doesn’t care, but then once in a while he’ll cry about it and tell me he wished that people would like him and not pick on him. He thinks that kids pick on him for no reason. No matter what we say or how we explain the social situation, he just doesn’t get what he did wrong. I keep being told by most of the staff that he will learn the social behaviors if I will just keep drilling it into him. I get aggravated about having to keep explaining that no matter how many times you drill it into him, he just doesn’t get it. Any suggestions?

    Comment by Lori — January 5, 2009 @ 10:05 am

24. Thank you for this service. My son was just diagnosed with Aspergers after years of my wondering what was different about him and being told that he was normal, even when I had him tested by a psychologist and neurologist.

    He is fifteen now and in 9th grade. I was thinking about just letting him take community college courses at his own pace because he loves learning information but cannot keep up with the pace of regular school. He will focus all day everyday on one topic (now it happens to be politics and world news)but, not be able to follow through on his assignments. Do you think it is late in his schooling to get an IEP for him?

    Comment by T Scott — January 8, 2009 @ 11:25 pm

25. Thank you so much for this great service. My son has recently changed schools (From a large impersonal school with teacher student ratio of 35:1 to a ratio of 5:1) Fantastic, but now the school has hinted on possible Aspergers. Still busy with the tests etc. I feel quite lost.
    My son is nearly 9 and has always had problems with social interactiona and outbursts.
    It seems however, that now it is worse (possibly, just better feedback, I am not sure.)
    My youngest son (6) now seems to think that he has full right to follow in his brothers footsteps and is now starting to act out in the same manner. Is it possible that they both could be Aspies? Or is it just a case of live and learn for the youngest?
    Any ideas?

    Comment by Tansel — January 20, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

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