Helping your child cope with their Aspergers diagnosis

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1. When trying to explain it to other people, I sometimes tell them that for a person with HFA (or Aspergers for that matter) to read social cues is a lot like asking a child blind from birth to tell colors. They can work around it somewhat cognitively, but there’s no real equivalent. For example, what if the blind child learns that “bananas” are “yellow”? S/he will associate other things with “yellow”, namely the shape and texture of the object. But if the banana is “green”, then s/he is “wrong”. It’s much the same with Aspies/HFA’s and social skills. They don’t have the capacity to generalize because they can’t perceive the unspoken cues (the 90% or more of communication that is indirect and not verbal or written) and adapt accordingly.

   But that blind child with the banana probably has a better sense of what the skin should feel like, what the banana should smell like, and how it should taste, because the sight of it isn’t getting in the way of the other senses. So also with the Aspie/HFA – like my son – whose brain runs in totally different circles simply because all of that confusing social data isn’t there to impact his way of seeing the world. He comes up with the most creative stuff, currently mostly centered around his video games. I have learned to engage him where he lives (not many are willing to do this) and keep the lines of communication open, so that he’s more willing to listen to what I have to say when he *does* need help with social skill generated problems.

   Comment by satscout — May 5, 2009 @ 1:25 pm

2. Can you please tell me some appropriate places for my 13 year old to chat with other Aspies?

   Comment by Kristin , Texas — May 5, 2009 @ 1:25 pm

3. I bristle at the term “treatment” because to me it implies there is a disease to be removed. I see my son as someone with a unique set of gifts, and some of the package that includes those gifts do make it difficult for him to interact in society. Teaching him how to recognize and manage problematic behaviors, and and helping him unlearn some tendencies, will certainly help. But on the whole I feel that his way of thinking will make the world a better place, so I would hate for him to think he requires “treatment.”

   Comment by janny226 — May 5, 2009 @ 2:20 pm

4. I have a 15-year-old with high-functioning autism that I’d like to find an online group for.
   Is there a list of good sites available? I can see her benefiting so much from an online group of kids like her.

   Comment by Elaine Powell — May 5, 2009 @ 2:27 pm

5. I have a 6 year old that has has the ADHD dieanotcies for 2 years and we finaly got a Asbruger dieanotcies. I have know that this is what he has had for a long time, but i feel so lost as to where do i go now what do i do to help he be the best and happyest he can be. Any words of advice or web sites or any thing to help, thanks

   Comment by Jamie — May 5, 2009 @ 4:44 pm

6. My son and I watch a show called “Lie to me: which is about a firm that specialises in reading peoples body language. My son is fascinated by it, I think as he sees this as a form of education. It is amazing, how when they show a facial expression on the show, he has the diagnosis before they say it, sadness-anger, insulted etc. It is teaching him to read signs in other people who talk to him as well. For a teenager who has problems at school, I recommend it as a great learning tool, and something we can both watch together and enjoy.

   Comment by Liz Ellis — May 5, 2009 @ 11:30 pm

7. Hey i never thought to watch the show ‘Lie to me’ with my son just for the facial expressions. That is a good idea.

   Comment by cheryl — May 6, 2009 @ 6:35 am

8. I have a 13 year old son who does not want to discuss his diagnosis and refuses to accept it…..we have been dealing with AS (or not) for at least 4 years now. He is extremely high functioning. His different way of dealing with things is becoming more appearant to him, yet he will not speak about it he disregards his emotions and stuffs those feelings of sadness or rejection. It is so hard to speak to him and he seems to be angry a lot of the time. I find it very hard to communnicate with him. He really doesn’t want to talk most of the time. I really get discouraged with the situation.

   Comment by Lynne Roebuck — May 7, 2009 @ 1:36 am

9. i think its a great idear to that your son is learning through facal expressoin to . my sons interest is watching american wrstling ,and fmily guy .i wish he could read peoples expressions cos he allways gets it wrong . my sons 14 with a.s. we live in a part of england in the noth east wre funding for a.s is very limited.

   Comment by michelle — May 7, 2009 @ 3:04 am

10. When my son was diagnosed at 14, I told him that the diagnosis didn’t change who he was. That he was a great kid, a smart kid, a funny kid and that was still true. The diagnosis just helped Mom and other adults understand how to help him succeed in school and in life, because we could now put a finger on the problem and figure out a way to proceed.

    Comment by Heather Boyd — May 8, 2009 @ 12:12 pm

11. “Everyone’s place in society. Neurotics dream of Castles in the Air. Psychotics move into them. But Aspergians think long and hard about Castles in the Air and design usable blueprints. Neurotypicals take the blue prints and with their superior social skills organize the resources for their actual construction. Psychiatrist’s sit back and collect the rent.” (I wrote this: I quote myself often in conversazione because it adds class. :0) List some of our greats for your child: Einstein, Oppenheimer, Tesla, Bill Gates, Stephen Spielberg,Temple Grandin, and Bill Murray. Tell him some Neurotypical jokes, “What do you call a Neurotypical in a research and development lab? Lost. How many Neurotypicals does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. Neurotypicals capable of performing that complicated a technical procedure have ever been found. Some Neurotypicals decided to show some Aspergians they too could run a space program so they started one of their own. They decided their first goal was to land People on the Sun. An Aspergian pointed out the Sun would be too hot but the Neurotypicals explained, “We have that covered. We’re going at night.”

    Comment by Elizabeth Hensley — May 8, 2009 @ 2:26 pm

12. i hope i will be a new member

    Comment by luminita — May 8, 2009 @ 4:43 pm

13. To everyone that is dealing with a child with Asperger I can understand. There is frustration at home, in public places and in the school. My solution has been to be very involved with the local Autism Society, been assigned a Parent Advocate that attends every school meeting regarding my child with Asperger. This has been such a great relief for me, they know what they are looking at with regards to an IEP or BIP. It has been a long road but my child has developed. Additionally my local Autism Society has put me in touch with several other resources. I have been in contact with them and am in the process of getting by child into a socialization group. My child is 7, so we are at the early stages. But he does have an older brother who has a brain that is way beyond his age. I have also gotten him into counseling in order to assist him with the frustrations he feels and expresses with regards to his sibling with Asperger.

    It is a day to day event, but I have researched and aligned myself with external support for both children.

    I don’t want to say it is a never ending battle but it could be. What I have found that works for me is to set boundardies. I have worked with the school to establish these boundardies and thankfully they have implemented them and I am no longer getting daily phone calls that I need to pick up my child because they can’t handle him.

    I have provided resources to the school and the current teacher has taken it to heart to learn more about Asperger.

    Regarding home, we have established very clear boundaries. We talk about everything, and as a parent you know when something is not right with your child. I just address it as a concern of mine, my observation, we sit down, sometimes hold hands, and discuss what is going on in that great brain of his. He has opened up to learning to express feelings but please don’t misunderstand me, the characteristics have not gone away. It is just a new method of communication between us that lets my child know he is safe, loved and protected and most of all, we all make mistakes and it is okay to make mistakes and it is okay to say I am sorry.

    To date this approach has helped me. I hope this input can help someone. I am not normally one to communicate on line but I do hope the information provided can provide someone with a new vantage point vice getting angry or frustrated.

    Comment by Kelly Meehan Silard — May 10, 2009 @ 2:43 pm

14. When my son was diagnosed at 13 he was almost relieved. Until then he felt like a freak and no one could tell him why he acted the way he did. After having a huge emotional episode he would be so “broken” and sobbing, asking me why… I gave him a short book written from the perspective of an Aspie boy and he read it. He easily identified with the boy and that helped him to feel even better. Just last week, now at age 14, he picked up one of the thick books I was reading and started randomly reading a chapter. He didn’t want to put it down. The hardest thing I am doing right now is trying to include him more in conversation about his care and treatment rather than talking around him like he is not in the room.

    Comment by Ronda Whitford — May 15, 2009 @ 2:20 pm

15. When my son was officially diagnosed with Autism at the age of 12 (he had been diagnosed ADD, NLD, and Asperger’s in earlier years), I went looking for good books on the topic. I found it to be much harder than I thought, especially for a boy like my son whose troubles aren’t quite as extreme as many others. One book that I found to be extremely effect though, was “There’s a Boy in Here” by Judy and Sean Barron. It was published quite some time ago, but its journey and message of hope are still relevant today. My son read the entire thing from cover to cover and loved every minute of it. Even though the boy described in the book (Sean) had much more extreme issues than my son’s, the extremity made the issues of Autism very clear. While my son was reading it, we had dozens of specific conversations comparing and contrasting his issues to Sean’s. Since then, he has been able to identify many of his own autistic behaviors as they happen real time. We even have a catch-phrase for it. When we see the behavior, we say “that’s the autism talking”.

    Comment by Christy Hubbard — May 18, 2009 @ 1:39 pm

16. looking for teens w/ as to chat w/ my recently diagnosed 16 year old, this mom also looking to talk w/ other parents but am not computer savy

    Comment by shelly — May 25, 2009 @ 10:15 am

17. my 15 year old aspie girl wants to chat with other girls

    Comment by kayla — June 1, 2009 @ 5:41 pm

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