How to help a 9 year old boy with Aspergers
Hi Dave Angel here with another aspergers post about a 9 year old aspie boy. This week I’ve noticed that one thing I’ve been missing in my aspergers blog is direct contact and interviews with both children and adults diagnosed with Aspergers.
Successful experiences in your grandson’s life will build his self-esteem and give him a more positive attitude. In addition, when he sees that he is accepted and loved by others, he will feel secure and achieve self acceptance. Then, he may make more of an effort to try other activities.
Consider for a minute WHY he takes pleasure in eating and/or watching television. First, it’s safe and reassuring. He is familiar with television programs that he watches on a regular basis, and food is well known for providing psychological comfort. Second, it’s a predictable, solitary activity which always gives him the same safe results. He knows what the consequences of his behavior are, and he feels rewarded by them. Children with Asperger’s have a strong need to feel safe and reassured; they learn by following well-explained rules that contain predictable outcomes. These are the reasons for his repetitive, satisfying activities, and these behaviors can be managed in several different ways.
You must accept that he needs some time (at least for now) to watch T.V. and eating is a physical necessity. Consider that Asperger’s individuals are often confused and overwhelmed by choices; at this point, build in a few alternative behaviors for him to engage in, such as using a computer. Discuss his options with him, and let him pick an activity in addition to eating and watching television.
Watching television can be used as a reward for completing other tasks. Take him outdoors and encourage him to play a game or walk for a short period of time. When he has successfully completed the task, reward him with a specified period of time for watching television. Doing this on a regular basis will increase his tolerance for an activity. A good approach is to increase the activity time by one minute per session and praise him lavishly each time he accomplishes the task. After he gets used to one activity, add an additional activity, perhaps swimming or bicycle riding. Little by little, increase the amount of time per activity and the number of activities. Always remember to reward and praise him each time the activity is completed.
After you reward him, sit down with him and discuss what you both will do the next time you go out, how long you will do it, and what the reward will be. He’ll be more enthusiastic once he’s had a positive activity/reward experience and has received the reward and your praise. Remember to start with the easiest activities first – a scooter, then a bike, for example. Try to avoid gender stereotyping any of your grandson’s activities. If you can’t get him on a swing or scooter at first, then start with just walking and looking at nature. Use the praise and reward for that activity before you branch out. Once you know that he likes a given activity, he is more likely to willingly participate in it.
Your best approach is to avoid confrontation and use negotiation when you work with his likes and dislikes. This way, he will be more likely to try new things with you. Your relationship will be much stronger if he perceives that you are both on the same side!
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I have the same problem with my 10 year old son,
He eats and watches TV. He doesen’t like to do anything else. I’m going to try your everthing you
recommended. My son also has trouble with balance
he can’t ride a bike without the trainning wheels, So he won’t even do this because other kids make fun of him. What can I do to help his balance?
Comment by Lourdes Corral — July 28, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
I agree with most of your advice, based on good outcomes with our son when he was about 9. The comments that I do not agree with is trying to have so many discussions with the boy. Aspies do need to learn how to make choices and by giving them a choice between only two options, very little discussion is needed. Trying to keep their attention while discussing an event that may make them uncomfortable is unproductive, they just will not listen!
Comment by Pat — July 28, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Thank for the article. I just learned about asperger syndrome in Jan of 2008. One of our twin grandsons was diagnosed in June the other is being tested in Oct. Chris is 9 years old so this article is him all over. But, by reading your postings I have been able to help him and he has done so well this summer. Only 2 mild meltdowns.
Thanks again
Comment by Claudia Worth — July 28, 2008 @ 3:02 pm
Dear Dave, My *3/4 year old son is an aspie and what you have said about the happy secure child is true. My son is adding one activity at a time with the help of mom and a Personal Care Assistant. He has positive interactions on a very limited basis and it has helped him to add choices as he masters and feels comfortable with each new activity. I model and intervene with redirection when necessary and give him the words to use to positively interactive with peers, all the time. It takes patience to spend the time, a somewhat controled environment, and repetition to gain success. He is proud to be an asperger’s child and says “I have Asperger’s” Like it is something special…that’s the important part…Yes he is different and smart..and proud. They do model our shame and embarrassment also, so it is important to examine our true feelings before taking on the role modeling part. And I make mistakes but I always try again. We still have meltdowns at times and hard/wrong choices but that’s life. Good job and Well Done Dave.
Comment by Kathleen Martin — July 28, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
I have an almost 8 year old and he acts similar and I do not always push him to things he does not like. I think we need groups to help give each other ideas for our children
Comment by Michelle — July 28, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
What has helped me with my son is being prepared for the outing for any possible interferences/disappointments to ensure a success and to keep them short. As well, giving my son a hard-drive camcorder (for the memory) but to start a childrens camcorder would work or a camera with video was the best thing. He will go anywhere and do anything if he can bring the camera and film. We went to a rodeo and he was very interested as he was filming and as soon as the camera ran out of batteries he wanted to leave he could not sit anymore or watch. He watched the whole event through the camera until it died with interest and comfort. The trouble is you need to make sure no one is going to ask him to put it down…so research before you go that it is ok to film. He would not go outside to play with his friends without an outburst but now he can play with them while filming. Not sure why it makes a differenc to him, but it does.
Comment by Sharon Ruddy — July 28, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
I agree to a point I have a 9 year old boy with Asbergers. my problem is not tv but computers. He lives his world through war games. I find when I take his computer privlidges away at times he will focus more on other tasks. The computer or tv makes him more closed and withdrawn. What I find helps is doing activities together. sometimes what he like then I explain we take turns and we do some things I like. We have found if there is a choice he response better.
Comment by nansi — July 28, 2008 @ 4:04 pm
We have alwys had our grandson (now 12) in ball sports i.e. softball, basketball and table tennis since he was 9.10 and 11. Earlier we had him going to soccer. He loved playing with the balls but disliked the running part mainly because he doesn’t eat enough protein thus he tends to gain weight. We are lucky that there is a firend whom he has known since he was at Kindy who likes to play outside and that gets him away from the TV and computer. He loves playing chess and other board games. He only sees his friend about six times a year as they shifted up north and he goes and visits his father every now and then and that is when my grandson sees him. We find that we have to make him shower and a good way to do this is after his sports though it is with reluctance on his part. He misses the school bus sometimes as he is so slow with getting out of sports uniform and putting his shoes back on. He ties a very lose knot in his sports shoes so he just has to slip on his shoes. He cant tie a tight shoelace. He has trouble bending to put on socks because of his weight so he sits on the floor cross legged and puts shoes and socks on which I think is harder than on a step or a chair.
Comment by Lillian Carde — July 28, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
I found this advice helpful. My son has aspergers, adhd and ptsd. he is 8. With similar problems including depression. Will implement some of these ideas
Comment by Marg Leach — July 28, 2008 @ 7:23 pm
yep sounds like my boyz - 7 and 15 - aspies have a love affair with tv. a lot of ppl say my 7yo has imagination but really he repeats word for word what he memorizes from watching tv. i find best to just give choice between 2 things as well. more is just asking for trouble. discussions only when they are receptive otherwise it is pointless and can lead to a meltdown. every kid is different and aspies are no exception. so you just have to learn to read your kid and dave is right: praise praise praise.
Comment by celeste — July 28, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
I agree with Pat, there is little point in discussing anything with your child when they are feeling uncomfortable/distressed or resistant with regards to an activity be it fun, school work or an event that has just happened and needs clarifying. It can take up to 2 days for my son to ‘process’ an event and then be able to discuss it.
Comment by Tanja Nelson — July 28, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I agree with most of the comments and can highly recommend that you start to forge therapuetic relationships with really well informed health care providers such as Occupational therapists and Psychologists. Regular exercise, sensory therapy, graduated exposure to feared/avoided pursuits, goal setting, understanding his needs and getting him to make choices. Reading Jed Baker’s books are a great way to begin, “the social skills picture book” and “no more meltdowns” are pitched right at the 9 yo level. Do act now!!! If these problems are not overcome by puberty they will get worse. Stay confident!! Jane
Comment by Jane — July 28, 2008 @ 8:10 pm
I agree with some of your ideas except trying to talk to him about things . If he isnt interested you are wasting your time and his. I have two aspies. The first one is 29 now and when he was seeing the doctors for behaviors, I was told by one that my son was the sadest kid he ever met. Yet when we left his office another mode would take over. I figured out that by making him go to counceling wasnt helping.They made him feel like he had some thing wrong with him. The younger one is now 18 and he never went to counceling. We had very few melt downs with him. He learned to ride a bike and he loved walking in the woods. He would spend hours making trails thru the woods. He took his bike thru these trails. I limited the Tv but not the computer. I found that if I got magazines about computer programs he would read them. He has a wonderful social life on line! He is working now full time. I use to worry because he wouldnt hang out with other kids but I never felt sorry for him that he didnt or couldnt play sports and other school activities. I think if you make an issue of it then he will to. Aspies dont seem to realize that they dont fit in. Mostly its the parents that have a problem with it. I have other children who play sports and have very active social lifes. They dont seem to mind either that their brother didnt go to thier games or other events. Their friends just thought that their brother was shy. He is well liked by a wide range of students. not just the special kids that he was in class with all the time.
Look for the things that your aspie enjoys and work from there. They all seem to be sort of “afraid” of crowds. Not because they dont fit in, just because its a lot to deal with. You can get pretty relaxed with a fw people but when there is a bunch, any thing can happen. Please dont try to make your aspie fit the mold of other children…it wont work. Let him be himself and be okay with that. Life will be calmer. They dont like to exersice either! Going for walks and making it fun with out a lot of people is a good start.Its no tthe work out that they dont like, its the awkwardness of their movements. good luck
Comment by betsey — July 28, 2008 @ 10:02 pm
my 10 year old grandson, is extreme assbergers can very violent, punches holes inwalls attacks with sticks hammer even will come at his mother witha knife, he has punched me in the jaw, full on, he will swear and scream, the entire family is held to ransome by this boy, he cannot attend school been assessed and can only have home school he does atttend BIS behavioral Intervention services, like school should be max of 4 days a week, but sometimes may only be 1 because he refuses, some times it is impossible to negotiate oe reason,,do you think it is wise for my daughter who has 3 other children 2 small girls 4and 2,, plus older sister,, to continue trying to live with him full time,. one day he may kill one of them,,In extreme cases does anyone think it is wise to have his guardian ship taken over by the welfare dept and have him for set days in the week, he would receive full time phycological care medication and training which he does not get at home,my daughter is on the verge of a breakdown at present and will not admot it is all too much for her, any advice ?????? pleas Jan
Comment by jan D"Aloia — July 29, 2008 @ 2:10 am
I have been a teacher for 21 years. Although my degree is not in special education, I have always had a knack for working with special needs kids. I didn’t understand how much that would benefit me in later years until I discovered that my two youngest children(I have 6) had Aspergers. I have worked with kids from 4 to 17 who had Aspergers and I have found that with them as well as with my own children that a straight foward, matter of fact approach works best. While I agree that you shouldn’t try to force an Aspie child into a mold(nor should you any child), I do not agree that you should simply give up rather than risk any type of confrontation whatsoever. Rather, for things such as basic social and academic skills(things they must have in order to function at all in society), you should have a very matter of fact approach. Acknowledge that the activity may not be to their liking but that nevertheless it is something that must be accomplished. I have two examples. First, Adam a then 15 year old, who had been allowed to skip any assignment he did not feel comfortable with up until he had me for a teacher. When I made an assignment, he would say,”I’ve never done this before.” In the past, that had earned him a pass on doing the assignment. My response was different. I simply said,”Well then, this will be your first time.” Adam would then scowl and proceed to do the assignment(usually perfectly)just as I had asked him. You see Adam hated writing, computers were his forte and he had never been made to move out of his comfort zone very far. However, it didn’t mean he wasn’t capable, far from it. Most Aspie kids have wonderful IQ’s. Second, Noah a five-year old, whom I have worked with about a year. Noah has had some delays because of speech difficulties. His mother has me working with him to help catch up with his peers. When I first started working with Noah, he had no interest at all in academics. He knew what he knew and learned what he learned his way and didn’t want to be “taught.” His behavior was not enough in control for him to be able to function in a class of his peers. He did not know his ABC’s. Now after less than a year he is on the verge of reading! He still tells me every time I pick him up for tutoring,”I don’t like tutoring. I don’t want to tutor.” To which I respond, “I know you don’t, but we’re going to anyway.” He gives a little sigh, sweetly takes my hand, begins to tell me about his day, and off we go to tutoring.
Comment by Robin — July 29, 2008 @ 7:17 am
Thank you all for your comments. It is very helpful to understand that you are not alone with your problems! My son is 8 years old. We’ve just started to introduce him into Occupational Therapy sessions and Social Skills Training. I’m participating in the sessions and found that he cannot express at home all issues he has as he expressess in front of Social Skills Trainer. I’ve realized the problem of not getting along with other kids. My son said: “I don’t like when somebody bosses me and my plays - that’s why I prefer to play by myself”. He loves TV, but most of all he loves to play with insects outdoor. I do not know, how I can swithch him off this activity or if I do have to do it?
We’re trying to introduce ball activities, but it does not really work with our son - he would prefere to sit outside and look for worms or any other insects and investigate their behaivior.
Looking after insects making him so excited that he starts making different movements with his hands (pressing hands toward each other). It looks weird for people that not familiar with him. If somebody have an experiance, how to deal with this “hands pressure/squeezing” (do not know how to explain that), I would really appreciate your help. Good luck to all of us!
Comment by Inna L — July 29, 2008 @ 9:32 am
My 10 year old son was very negative and appeared depressed. He is also very sedentary and likes to eat. We took him to a developmental pediatrician who placed him on prozac which immediately helped his mood. We placed him in a social group for aspergers kids where they help them learn how to make friends and deal with different situations. There are kids gyms now where they make exercise fun while teaching about healthy eating habits and making good food choices. We had our son try different sports to include karate, baseball, basketball and gymnastics. He liked basketball so we worked with him on his skills and now he is part of a league where they play twice a week. I also encourage play dates with kids that he gets along with in our home to help facilitate friendships which helps boost self esteem and mood.
Comment by Debbie — July 29, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
My 9yr old son would sit and eat his way through life too. Our saving situation has been to link into his “special interest” which is looking at Art of any nature, So off we go…..By foot to the Art galleries, to walk to the park is a chore for my boy, but a 1.1km walk to the gallery is filled with (tedious) chitter chatter about what exhibition is on. I must admit though, we usually have to bus home! Awin win situation, He is exercised, entertained, feels special and I feel like a good Mum.
Comment by Tanya Archibald (New Zealand) — July 29, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
Please tell me how I can get the full width of your articles to read. The vertical blue line and ads and links on the right chop off part of the article. I don’t want to miss any of your good reading. Thanks.
Comment by Elaine — July 29, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
I really appreciate your blogs, but I cannot read it all. The right side is cut off by advertisements. Is this an issue with my set up or with your layout? Help I really want to be able to read your blog!!!
Comment by Sabine M. — July 30, 2008 @ 5:43 am
Don’t be afraid to let them try new things even if you do not agree with it. Make to be there if you can too or that it is a safe place where new things can happen for your aspie child/grandchildren. So you can not be so afraid to let them try for themselves.
Comment by Julie Bliven — July 30, 2008 @ 10:09 am
I would like to say: DO talk with your child with Asperger about the activities as David suggests. (“After you reward him, sit down with him and discuss what you both will do the next time you go out, how long you will do it, and what the reward will be.”)
But: WATCH YOURSELF while talking! Be NEUTRAL, positive and helpful in a gentle, decisive way. Ask CONCRETE questions. Built in short silences, so that your child gets time to react.
Our son with Asperger won’t listen/discuss any activitiy with us when we have the (hidden) intention to persuade him of our views / if we are eager to help him. (= not neutral).
But when we describe to him what we saw during his activity, “I saw a smile on your face when you set on the swing. I saw your legs going up high, you made the swing move.” (=neutral), our son opens up.
This happens too, when we ask him which positive/helping thought could help him to take a next step. And if we ask him what the next step will be, his confidence grows.
This is how we do it: At the beginning of a new activitiy, its our son who decides which step he will take, to make sure he is in control of everything. We react enthousiastic and supporting to every tiny step he suggests. We ask him what we can do to help him when he will take his step. (Where do you want me to sit/stand? What do I have to say/do?) This reassures him and gives him strength.
When our son ‘grows’ into the activity, we ‘negociate’ by suggesting a (little) bigger step than he suggests – remembring him of his success of the last time he did this activity. Telling him we are sure he can do it. Letting him in control: he is the one who decides. This gives him confidence.
Sometimes he accepts our suggestion. Sometimes he suggests bigger steps then we ourselves would ever have thougt of!
Comment by Margriet Oost — July 30, 2008 @ 11:12 am
My grandson was not diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome until he was 15,he is now 19. Here in California,USA, I have found no support groups in Northern California, and was told to look in Oregon, another State. I appreciate the information you send me as it is the only iformation and insight I receive on Asperger’s Syndrome. I also am looking for ways to motivate my grandson to be more active, so I sincerely appreciate any and all suggestions I read. I have done a lot of research on Internet aboout Asperger’s Syndrome, did receive some information from the Autism Society of America, and some information from an agency that works with people with special needs. However, they all draw the line at Asperger’s Syndrome because at this point no agency accepts responsibliity to help them and co-ordinate care and support for them and their families and/or caregivers. So I thank each one and everyone of you for your postings.
Comment by kathryn — July 30, 2008 @ 3:44 pm
Thank you Dave for all of the email’s and information.
I agree with the most of the article’s information with the exception of having a ’short dialog’ with the child about a new activity.
Too much talk or discussion typically has a negative effect or ends up in a power struggle or melt down.
My 8 yr son, has a melt down if we change our routine without advising him in advance. That gives him time to process and prepare for some new adventures (AKA stress)
I often wonder if they are truly as sad as they look, or is it their flat affect or lack of expression? I hope it’s happier on the inside for these kids.
Getting outside and getting some exercise has become a huge challenge for us due to his significant orthopedic issues with his hips/femurs/feet which have become more debilitating in the last yr. As a result his weight has really balloned in the last year which further complicates things.
How many of these kids have weight issues?
My 50 cents worth of comment is:
Take the time to prepare for a new activity so that your child doesn’t feel your stress or anxiety of rushing to make arrangements for a ‘big outing’.Let your child know in advance - sometimes that only means 10 minutes - state it as a matter of fact - not a discussion or choice - we are going to the park to feed the ducks, and take a walk in 10 minutes - that works for us.Let him make some choices during the activity - teaching him to make decisions in a new environment is the most challenging - but it’s one of the most important survival skills we need to teach our children.
Be patient - everything takes 50% more time with these kids - at least my son…. rejoice in the happy moments when they happen, and try not to focus too much on the limitations. When I do that, I end up isolating myself from the world thinking that I am protecting my child from scrutiny and judgements, and avoiding other parents telling me I don’t know how to dicipline my child. (He’s my 3rd btw - other 2 are professional, and productive adults)
Thanks again Dave.
Comment by Dennie Wolfer — July 30, 2008 @ 6:30 pm
I agree with talking to your child. My son is 9 years old and we do A LOT of talking. He is really stuggling and we have only had a few meltdowns this summer. We are starting to have more now that he knows he is going back to school. He LOVES sports, but doesn’t understand why the other kids don’t listen to him when he is reminding them of the rules. He is spunky and has a few other issues besides AS. We are working on it togther and I am finding that I am not only his mom, but his friend as well. He is very special and has a big heart. I am trying to get the school to understand what they can achieve just by talking with him and listening to what he has to say. Sometimes that is the difference between him having a meltdown or not. Just listen!!
Comment by Tobye Grogg — August 4, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
i stil await a diagnosis 4 my son but all of the comments i have just read only re-enforce my belief that he has aspergers. in response to the difficulties i face with the reactions mentioned i have found that having a sense of humour about life and making him laugh however silly it makes me feel, has been my saving grace with a child who is rarely understood by others and whos frustration shown can only be distracted by a great belly laugh . afterwards i seize the opportunity to deal with any issues in the best why i can. after trying for 10yrs of struggling to help my child to smile i always find this technique works. the down side is his need to repeat the humour over and over again! there are worse reactions than laughter so i can live with it
Comment by stacey birkin — August 4, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
I bought my son a trampoline that I went on with him. He will attempt more activities if they are scheduled, exact activity and exact time, and if I do it with him.
We bought a little toy that launches a small wooden glider in the air and then we simply ran through the park chasing it. We worked up from there. Always with a reward for participating that was also scheduled into the plan and always withheld if there was not good participation.
Comment by Kathy Seymour — August 13, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
Agree about the self esteem and self image. The hard work we put in and the specialists we engage, it seem we are fighting an up hill battle when their confidence is trashed at school, particularly by teachers who are tired with dealing with the behaviours. We have been using affirmation CD’s and child confident self hypnosis CD’s, not everyone will agree with me on this, but we needed some positive words as my son’s (7 yr) self talk of how he views himself was seriously bad. We are also using kinesiology, anything to help detress his body and mind.
Comment by Kylie — August 14, 2008 @ 7:01 am