How to help my son with Aspergers to make friends and fit in better? He is 10. He wants friends but how to get him to understand those who say they are friends but are just using him.

As a parent, your goal is a normal life for your son with Aspergers.  Friends are a big part of what we consider a normal life.  Without friends, it seems a person would be sad and lonely.  Some people do better with one or two good friends, while others feel the need to be surrounded by friends.  Chances are, your son falls somewhere in the middle. 

For a child with Aspergers, friends may seem beyond reach and understanding.  The desire is there, but because of low social skills, the knowledge of making and keeping friends is lacking.  Thankfully, these skills can be learned to a certain extent; well enough for a child to make and keep a few good friends.  These social skills are important for building friendships.

* Eye contact

* Ability to read social cues, gestures, and body language

* Understanding the concepts of sharing, taking turns, and two-way conversation

* Ability to understand and use slang, humor, and sarcasm

* Ability to give and take constructive criticism

* Being mindful of other people’s feelings; empathy

* Personal hygiene

All of these social skills, plus others, can be taught to enhance the Aspergers friend connection.  At the age of ten, your son should have access to support at school.  Social skills training, occupational therapy, sensory integration therapy, speech-language therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy are often suggested treatments for children with Aspergers Syndrome.  In addition, parents should also supplement these treatments with their own input at home.  Here are a few suggestions.

* Social skills classes can usually be found through Autism support groups.  Other opportunities for your child to learn hands-on social skills (with your guidance) are in groups or clubs geared to his special interests. 

* Children with Aspergers Syndrome are often rule followers.  Make a written list of rules used when dealing with friends.  For example, I will not stand too close to my friend; I will pay attention when he talks and take turns talking about things we both like; I will be mindful of my friend’s feelings.

* You can use social stories to guide your son through specific situations.  These stories are simply written, straightforward, and detailed.

* Role-playing is a very effective teaching tool for children with Asperger’s.  Play the role of a friend and act out a variety of scenarios.  Practice makes perfect!

* Peer mentoring is another option.  This is commonly used in the school environment, but you could find a relative or family friend to be your son’s peer model.  He can shadow this mentor and watch friends in action.

To get another perspective, check out this book by Joanna Keating-Velasco:  “A is for Autism, F is for Friend”.  This book is written from the perspective of an 11-year-old with Autism. 

Thanks for reading,

Dave Angel

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