How To Help Sibling Relationships

Throughout January I am going to be posting exclusive free samples from the Brand New “Parenting Asperger’s Resource Guide Volume 2” which is to be released in early February……

I am also running weekly competitions throughout January to give away free copies of the new resource guide…………so read on below for more about that…..

This weeks exclusive sample is based on the following question I was asked about sibling relationships…….

Question

Why does my 4 1/2 year old always push his brother and will they ever have a ‘good’ relationship? Mostly, my question is how to discipline my son when this happens. Are timeouts appropriate?

A child with Asperger’s Syndrome exhibits many characteristics that have positive and negative effects on behavior. Children with Asperger’s have difficulty with social interactions and communication skills, which is why you see some problems in teaching your son how to interact with others, specifically his brother. It will take time and specific interventions before their relationship gets better, but, keep in mind that children without Asperger’s often have the same kinds of problems with siblings.

Regardless of whether or not your son has Asperger’s he can learn social skills to help him get along with his brother and others as well. Young children are very self-centered and often do not empathize with other children, so your son may not realize that pushing makes his brother uncomfortable. And, while your son is intelligent and may have language skills, chances are, at his age, he doesn’t know how to voice his wants and needs to his brother, so he pushes him instead.

Be realistic about your son’s level of maturity, but remember that he needs discipline and supervision. Watch him when he’s playing with his brother. Try to notice if he can pick up on verbal or physical clues his brother sends. Tell your son using a calm, quiet voice how you want him to behave. “Your brother wants to see how the truck works. Can you show him?” It helps to encourage a different activity immediately. Asperger’s children need to hear specific reasons why they should or shouldn’t do things, such as pushing. Just saying, “Mama doesn’t want you to do that” isn’t good enough. He needs to hear that if he hurts his brother, he will lose some play time. Use praise when he behaves well.

Be specific and set limits on inappropriate behavior, for both boys! Be consistent. If your son doesn’t stop an unacceptable behavior when asked to, remove him from the room for a few minutes. Make it clear that hurting someone, in any way, requires an apology and a kind deed to make up for the hurt. For example, he would have to apologize for pushing his brother and let his brother play with one of his toys for five minutes. Gradually, your son will stop pushing and learn to voice his wants and needs. In the meantime, if he cannot speak, using a picture communication system like PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) might work. With this system, he chooses a picture of something he wants or needs. Log on to www.pecs.com to find out more.

Explain to your other son what Asperger’s is and how it affects his brother. Use words that are appropriate to his age and ability to understand. Teach him to be patient. Praise him when he demonstrates patience and kindness. Teach him how to help his brother; he will model himself on you.

Also, be sure to have your son’s doctor check him over to make sure his medications are appropriate. He may be ready for Sensory Integration Training to help him become less sensitive to noise, light, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes.

It helps Asperger’s children if you can say “Yes” as often as possible and “No” or “Don’t do that” as little as possible. For example, if your son refuses to go to bed, ask him if he’d rather walk or be carried to bed. If he can’t or won’t make a decision, make it for him.

Progress may be slow, but it will occur. Be patient.

This is just one of the many advanced tips and techniques that feature in the Brand New “Parenting Asperger’s Resource Guide Volume 2” that will be released in February.

You will be able to invest in your own copy of this great new resource at a heavily discounted price as a subscriber to the Parenting Asperger’s and Autism Newsletter (watch out for further details on this real soon…..!)

If you are not yet a free subscriber then sign up at the bottom of this page to qualify for this great discount and to get free weekly tips and helpful hints.

But right now it’s………..

Competition Time…………..

I am going to be sending out a different exclusive sample from the new “Parenting Asperger’s Resource Guide Volume 2” on the blog every week during January.

I am also going to run a competition each week for someone to win a FREE copy of the guide.

To qualify all you need to do is submit your own Asperger’s tip on to the blog and I will pick the best one each week as a winner and that person will get a free copy. When the “Parenting Asperger’s Resource Guide Volume 2” is released in February.

Ideally your tip should relate to the topic at hand (i.e. this week it is siblings) but I will accept any helpful tips for parents into the competition.

I look forward to receiving your tips and good luck for the competition…….

Dave Angel

27 comments »

1. With my son wheather it’s dealing with a sibbling or friend. I have found you can’t just say stop hitting or fighting or whatever. We have to go to him and find out why he’s acting this way. Then physically remove him form the situation. Timeout works for both of the kids , Then we have to discuss what would havew been a better way to do it. We also do roll play, what would you do if……

   Hope this can help.

   Comment by D DuBois — January 1, 2008 @ 12:43 pm

2. We have 2 sons, an 8yo NT and 6 yo w/ Asperger’s. The Gunnar(8yo) has a very tough time with having a brother with extra needs. He is very bright, and understands that we have to deal with Garth(6yo) quickly and many times first. I try my hardest to give each child what he needs, but many times I fall short. If I am not immediately supervising, when Garth gets frustrated with something, he will go after Gunnar. I have tried everything to prevent this however, I can’t be on top of everything at all times, we do need to eat and complete household tasks. Gunnar is understandable afraid of his brother, and doesn’t want to spend any time he doesn’t have to with him. We have instituted “I pick, you pick.” We will play a board game in the evening, and they take turns picking which game they play. This helps that specific time with me, but learn they can play together and get along. I do the same thing with movies and books at night. We also divide and conquer, where one parent spends individual time with each child. During all this time, we work on building the sibling relationship, but have to make sure we develop them as individuals as well. And make sure to love them for who they are, and not who we want or expect them to be, regardless of Asperger’s.

   Comment by 2G'sMommy — January 1, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

3. We discipline with time outs and lines when needed. Apologies are expected, and the art of compromise is important to all sides.

   Comment by J. Valleriani — January 1, 2008 @ 1:01 pm

4. I have 6 boys. One High Function Autistic. When they fight we separate them for just a bit. Find the problem and then put them back together. When they are together they have to say sorry and hug. (Hugs help with the sensory issues) Then they have to play with that same “toy” or whatever was the issue together for 5 minutes. After that then they can do whatever. But this makes my HFA son remember since he LOVES to be alone. He remembers that if he fights he’s gonna have to work together with his brothers he was fighting with.

   Comment by Angela — January 1, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

5. My 8yr old was just diagnosed w\ Aspergers. We suspected it already thanks to a wonderful teacher. Even though she is not severe,I have a lot of problems with her reasoning skills. Her 10yr old brother gets very frustrated with her, and picked on her. Even though she does not detect the sudalties in his frustrations, I did. As a parent its hard to protect your child all the time, I just sat her brother down and tried to explain her condition the best I could. Hopefully he will be more protective of his little sister, and understand her a little better. It will be hard, becouse my son has A.D.H.D. I am open for any advice I can get. I have always tried to go with natural remadies first.

   Comment by P Barnes — January 1, 2008 @ 3:37 pm

6. My Aspie son is 13, and his NT sister is 11. The sibling rivalry between thing is intense, to say the least! Whenever my son does or says something inappropriate to my daughter, I will ignore it and then do or say something positive to my daughter. She knows that her brother has Asperger’s, but that still doesn’t matter to her. When she does something to “retaliate”, I then tell her she took away my right to punish him. If and when she learns to “just walk away”, it will be easier to give her the positive, and ignore his negative. It is beginning to happen, and I wish I had used this strategy from an earlier age. Let me also mention that when he is acting appropriately, I give lots of positive praise whenever I can. I will do this for just the tiniest thing he does or says.

   Comment by Jodie Cooper — January 1, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

7. We immediately praise our son with Aspergers whenever he interacts positively with his siblings. We also have a picture book full of pictures of him interacting positively with his sibs and friends. This helps his positive memory bank so that he can remember what he did so well previously, and do it again!:) We also have a reward system when things are especially tough. We use corn kernals, and everytime he does something positive, he gets a kernal. When he totals 10, he gets a reward related to his area of special interest (sprinklers!)

   Comment by Kelly — January 1, 2008 @ 10:27 pm

8. The best technique is distraction. If they fight, seperate them and calm them down. Give them other activities to do eg puzzles or art. After about 15 minutes have a role play of what happened from each child. Then as them acting as parents. This brings wonderful awareness, insights and peace.

   Comment by Brenda-Lee Treisman — January 2, 2008 @ 2:21 am

9. My tip for siblings is to use a behaviour chart on the fridge and use it OFTEN! We have two charts on our fridge, one for each of our sons. We rule close vertical lines on lined paper so there are LOTS of boxes. In the first column we put ticks and the second column we put crosses.

   For EVERY possible positive thing we see either boy do, they get a tick, for every negative thing, they get a cross. The first and every other column are for ticks the second and every even column are for crosses.

   At the end of EVERY week (you HAVE to be consistent) we add up the ticks and we add up the crosses. For every tick more than cross the boys earn 5 cents pocket money. If there are more crosses than ticks, we talk about how sad that is and what they could do differently to earn more ticks or how they could behave more lovingly to each other, etc. (There is no other consquence for having more crosses as the lack of pocket money is enough!). We rejoice with how many more ticks there are and that happens much more frequently now.

   This is VERY visual! We talk about it constantly. The boys check it often! As the week is drawing to a close our younger AS boy will especially get concerned if he has more crosses and we actively encourage and look for ways for him to get more ticks. It’s an ongoing chart until it is finished. At the end of the chart we start with a clean slate and start a brand new one (keeps it from getting out of control).

   Our boys are now almost 7 and 9 and we started it 4 years ago. It has worked wonders! If we are in public and having behaviour problems, I just have to cross my two forefingers and it’s a visual reminder to both boys that they will get a cross on the chart when we get home if the behaviour continues.

   Try your own version, but it has worked wonders for us. My boys are BOTH AS, but the younger is more challenging. The visual-ness and consistency have been the keys for us!

   Comment by Jeanette Smith — January 2, 2008 @ 5:58 am

10. My asperger child was a teen when she was diagnosed and her siblings are all married with children of their own. So this is a bit of a different take on the issue. While both of the other siblings tried to be understanding it was hard for them not to compare to how they were treated at the same age. Also they felt we were spoiling her by not expecting more. Since neither of them really live at home and had not seen their younger sister since for some years they really did not understand the situation, nor did they comprehend what AS is. I found that simple explanations as to how the mind of a person with AS works or in some cases does not work helped them to build a better relationship with their AS sister since their sister is not capable of trying to build it herself.

    Comment by Shelly — January 2, 2008 @ 2:33 pm

11. We have three boys ages 11-14, the oldest having Aspergers and ADHD.
    The younger two have a very difficult time dealing with their older brother. They are resentful of him and often lose patience.
    What we found that helps is to get together once a week (usually Sunday evenings) for a “family meeting”.
    During the meeting, we discuss each child’s grievences, and come up with solutions and comprimises. Each child gets a turn to talk witout interuption or critism.
    This allows for calm, rational compromises from everyone in the family.
    Hope this helps!
    Julie Queensen
    St. Louis, Mo. U.S.A.

    Comment by Julie Queensen — January 2, 2008 @ 4:01 pm

12. We have a recently diagnosed 14 year old boy w/ Aspergers. Discipline has always been difficult with our son and not having a diagnosis until so late resulted in not addressing the issues correctly and now trying to set new rules at a very rebelious age has been difficult to say the least!! We have twin girls (10) who have varying levels of tolerance for their brother. I have found when fights arise often over computer, TV, or Wii a schedule with times slotted in for each child has lessened the fighting at least on these topics.

    Comment by Margot O'Donnell — January 2, 2008 @ 4:32 pm

13. I have a 10 y.o. with AS, my 17 y.o. son has been tested and will have a results meeting next week. They both require clear and simple instructions on how to interact with others as well as with Each Other. The age difference makes it especially challenging, so one of the tools I use with them can be applied to all sorts of situations; I ask them, “Is it yours?” It is a simple way to redirect their thought and gives them the opportunity to ‘check in’ with the world around them for cues they may have missed. As with most kids their age, my 10 y.o. gets teased and provoked by peers who know he will react first. I have been fortunate to work with many of his classmates, and have found the process works for them as well. Reinforcing respect toward others and toward self and giving them an opportunity to choose to change their behavior in a positive way is something they will all benefit from. The choice they make then results in a positive reinforcement or a consequence, which also creates a learning experience. It is not only the AS child who needs social skills training, their peers do as well. Incorporating each of them in the process helps make them all more invested in doing well and working together.

    Comment by Cass D — January 2, 2008 @ 6:50 pm

14. I find that all toys should not be shared toys. When children come to play toys that are just too special to share are put away. Then everyone plays with toys that may not be favorites but are easier to share.

    Comment by debi — January 2, 2008 @ 8:09 pm

15. Our boys are 3 and 5 years old (AS). I find that it has to be a structured and monitiored activity when the 2 boys try to play together. The moment I try to leave them along, one of the boys gets aggressive usually the older boy and it is always over sharing toys or even personal space.
    So we have decided to set a timer allowing one boy to use one toy or they both play together on the game cube, where 1 boy chooses the game on the cube and then we switch after the timer goes off. The timer is a stuffed animal with a timer in his belly so it is very visual and auditory. When the boys play well together my husband and I make sure we praise the positive behavior. But, I also allow my older son to have his own time to play alone without his younger brother. I feel this very important for my older son so he can unwind and regroup.

    Comment by Tara Naida — January 2, 2008 @ 8:24 pm

16. Sometimes we have a special catch me being good day where we use the marks on the hands but instead of us doing the catching each of the boys get a special marker (a different color for each boy) and try and catch the other one doing something good. It really helps to remind them that every day has a little bit of good in it no matter how bad it sometimes seems

    Comment by Amy — January 3, 2008 @ 12:24 am

17. I found out that if i make this have a concequesnce it helps a lot. My son is 12 & was diagnosed at 6. He would push & take things away from his sister that is 3 1/2 years younger. When he behaved this way I would do the same exact thing to him. He would get mad & throw a fit & I would remind him of how he acted & that he had just done it less than an hour ago to his sister & he didn’t care how she felt so why should I care about how he felt. It took a little time, but you could see him stop & think about what he was about to do & he would just walk away. Trenton is mild to moderate with his aspergers & he went threw 3 years of weekly counceling sesions & weekly vistits with his case manager & he spent summers in summer programs for his anger & positive behavior & it has made a world of difference. They still squabble like kids do, but he has learned to treat his sister like he wants to be treated & it took years to get here…

    Comment by TIna Barragan — January 3, 2008 @ 12:35 pm

18. Some excellent tips so far that will prove hard to find a winner amongst! Keep them coming to win your free copy of my new Aspergers Resource Guide….

    Dave Angel

    Comment by Dave Angel — January 3, 2008 @ 5:08 pm

19. I have a 13 yr old daughter, and a 3 yr old son w/ AS, and everyday is an adventure! I’m still floundering trying to find what will work. I usually tell my daughter to “walk away” since she is an instigater, and I explain to my son why his behavior is not OK, then I need to tell my teenager why HER behavior is not ok. Then they have to say sorry and hug.

    Comment by Deanna — January 4, 2008 @ 11:25 pm

20. [...] http://parentingaspergers.com/blog/2008/01/01/how-to-help-sibling-relationships/#comment-106 [...]

    Pingback by Aspergers Syndrome-Aspergers-Aspergers Disease-Aspergers Disorder-Autism Aspergers » Glyconutrients and Aspergers Syndrome — January 8, 2008 @ 5:45 pm

21. My 11 year old has mild autsism/aspergers. Sibling rivalry had gotten challenging as his siblings turned 8 and 10. I give time out cool down periods for frustration, with each following up with apology and we have family nights for board games modified if necessary and time slots for video games. When the siblings do play or interact together and it’s positive or improved we give them lots of verbal praise and try and add time or a priviledge. We have a sensory box now that has appropriate toys or objects for our special needs son to manipulate and this seems to help with anger and frustration. Include squeeze ball, texturous items, acceptable things to mouth etc. Many of our special kids just need an outlet, well I think everyone needs an outlet but a sensory box has helped just since implementing at Christmas. Consistency is the best tool, also. I just love the Asperger newsletters, thank you! R. Abadie

    Comment by Rebel Abadie — January 9, 2008 @ 5:00 pm

22. Not sure if this has been covered before but, I recently played classical music in the car for my children. My youngest son has AS. I noticed he was much calmer on the ride and communicated with me on a higher level than he has ever done before. I thought maybe it was a fluke and told my sons classroom teacher and vocal music teacher about this. His music teacher said she noticed when she had played some classical pieces in the class he was calmer. She also told me I might look into the Mozart Effect. I am currently investigating this and she and I going to try and watch how classical music effects my son. Hope this might help someone. Thanks TV

    Comment by Theresa Van Horn — January 11, 2008 @ 10:23 am

23. My 11 y.o. son is diagnosed with asperger and adhd. He is a very strong boy. But he sees the world as a violent and dangerous place. When some one does something he doesn’t like, he hits himself or he fantasies and beleives that this person is hitting him phisically (he is not). Does anyone has any tips?

    Comment by Eva T — February 5, 2008 @ 10:33 am

24. I have a 47 year old brother who has all the symptoms of AS, but has never been diagnosed. I am 43. Throughtout our lives, my parents always said to me, walk away when he gets nasty, you know how he is. He was never really disciplined, as I was always the happy child, and I HAD to let his behavior roll of my back. I do not recommend treating the child that does not have AS this way. As adults we still do not get along, and my parents still say “give into him, do it for us” I include him in everything, even Christmas dinner, my kids events, parties, etc.even though he is nasty,& rude to me and my husband. He was recently married, and my husband and I were kicked out of the wedding party at the last minute, and we haven’t spoken since. Everyone including my parents, asked me to give into him, and invite him for Christmas, but I told them all that now “I am done with him, and his wife” I can’t give in to him anymore, as he does not realize that he can’t always treat people poorly, and be rewarded for his inappropriate behavior, because it is easier to give in to him, then it is to deal with the problem.
    Parents please do not allow this to happen to your children, nip each and every situation in the bud, then (when it happens), and do not put
    pressure on the other siblings to give in.
    My parents are older, and they think that they somehow caused my brother to have AS, and they are “embarresed” that he is sick. My brother als treats my parents like yesterdays garbage, and my parents give him back the world. They are fantastic to me too, but I do not treat them poorly. I do hear it when I just slip off the line. My brother on the other hand, jumps full force off the line, before anything is said to him. To keep the peace.
    Julie

    Comment by JUlie — February 7, 2008 @ 1:34 pm

25. I have hung on the wall in every room 2 A4 pieces of card, in the middle of one has a smiley face in the middle of the other has a sad face, around the picture of the happy face has 5 pictures of examples of good behaviour i.e sharing, playing alongside sibling, sitting on mummys knee, etc. and on the card with the sad face has 5 pictures of bad behaviour, throwing, biting, hitting, pushing etc, when my son does something of the happy face card we reward him with pieces of string ( he is obsessed with string) when he does something on the sad face we take a piece of string off him until he apologises ( he can’t talk but he has PECS to communicate)when he apologises I then show him the card with the good things on, he then has to do something on the happy faced chart to make up for the bad thing he did earlier. I have been doing this for about 3 months with my son and I think he has made great progress.

    Comment by Shireen Hussein — February 11, 2008 @ 2:20 pm

26. Our 10 yr old AS son’s behaviour towards his two younger siblings had improved greatly when we initially started on the GFCF diet 15 months ago. We have seen even better changes by the following Dr Natasha Campbell-McBride’s protocal - her book “Gut and Psychology Syndrome” is great and I can highly recommend it as part of the biomedical approach. If my child is calm on the inside (ie his gut isn’t troubling him) then he is calmer on the outside too.

    Comment by Tanja Nelson — March 18, 2008 @ 2:32 am

27. I have 3 children. My oldest child has Asperger’s Syndrome (he is 8 yrs old). I have found it helpful when I hear/see things escalating to give him some verbal cues like “If you are feeling frustrated what are some things you can do” or “what is bothering you”…this gets my son thinking about his options and I talk him through what he can do (remove himself from the situation) or what he can say (please stop doing that it irritates me or please share with me, etc.). I have recently found him doing these things on his own without prompts from me on a few occasions.

    Comment by Melanie — April 18, 2008 @ 8:59 am

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