How to help you child with Aspergers understand about using other peoples things

Filed under:Social Skills — posted by admin on January 20, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

Hi there and welcome to this week’s blog post. This week I’ve added some more articles to the new up-coming website which answer questions as varied as …

“My child with Aspergers is having problems with writing issues and small motor skills what can I do?”

“How do I help my 15 year old son with to cope with real life issues and not just live in a fantasy world?”, and …

“What is the best way for my son to learn how to navigate new social situations?”

Anyway as for this week’s question here it is …

Question

My biggest issue is my daughter’s inability to understand that you just don’t help yourself to other people’s things if yours don’t work or you can’t find yours.

Answer

You don’t say how old your daughter is and that makes a big difference! If she is under 5, she probably can’t understand this concept yet. But, if she is older than 5, you can help her learn it.

It would appear that your daughter steals because she doesn’t want to be bothered finding her own things or hers are not working, not because she just wants to collect things (as Aspies sometimes do) or to acquire an item that she doesn’t have.

Here are some techniques that may help:

• Teach her to store her own things always in the same places so that she is less likely to lose them. If necessary, create a chart of where her things are stored that she can refer to when she is looking for them.

• Teach her a system of searching for something when she can’t find it. For example, teach her all the places in each room of the house where she should look for an item. Create a check sheet for her.

• Also, do some role playing with her to help her learn how to tell you when one of her things is broken. Reassure her that if she will do that, you will help her get the item fixed or replaced.

• It might help to mark each person’s belongings with his or her name. Then clearly explain to your daughter that she is not to take anything with another person’s name on it, without asking for permission first. Unfortunately, this won’t be possible if she takes things at school or others’ homes.

• Your daughter with Asperger’s may have a hard time understanding how others feel when she “borrows” their things; that’s normal for an Aspie. But, you should try to explain their feelings and keep reminding her that it’s wrong to hurt others by taking their things without permission. Help her learn how to ask for permission to borrow an item. Do this over and over.

• Explain the consequences of her actions, i.e.; people may not trust her; she could lose friends; she may stop getting invited to others’ homes; she may feel nervous and guilty after taking something; she may hurt others’ feelings.

What to Do When She “Borrows” Without Permission

• Ask her for an explanation.

• State that she is not allowed to take things from other people. Do not lecture her. Help her role play a better way to handle the situation.

• Never imply that she is bad. Do not call her a thief, dishonest, or a liar or any other name that you do not want her to become.

• If she takes something (or borrows without permission), she must make restitution. She must return the object, apologize, and say she will never do it again. You should accompany her on this errand.

• If she ever takes money, she must pay it back. Have her do this by helping around the house to earn money.

• Reduce temptations. If items are not left out in plain sight, there is less likelihood that they will be “borrowed” without permission. Don’t leave money lying around.

Have a great week …

Dave Angel

PS – I was sent an excellent insight into what it is to be a teenager with Aspergers (written by a teenager) which I will try to post later this week … so watch out for an email on that.

comments (12)

12 comments »

This post is a very real issue for myself and others I know, I have found that reducing temptations and other peoples’ things being kept in their own space works well!
Now my son is 9 he has started to realise how he doesn’t like others (his sister) borrowing his things without asking, either.

Comment by Judy — January 20, 2009 @ 2:21 pm
I have an 8 year old who has been diagnosed with Asbergers and he doesn’t show many of the signs when he is here at my home as my ex wife says he does at hers. He is gentle and loving, He shares his toys and doesn’t take things that do not belong to him. I think he has been miss-diagnosed by a Quack who’s only cure is to over medicate him. How can I tell if this is the case? His regular Doctor wants him off of these medications but his mother insist that he be on them…

Comment by Henry Howard — January 20, 2009 @ 2:49 pm
My aspie is very rule-driven. I have to set limits in the form of rules (”remember, the rule is you must ask permission before you touch”, “the rule is do not enter your brother’s room unless he invites you in”. When there is an infraction, I ask her to tell me who owns the item, then remind her of the rule. Unfortunately, this does not always work. She has weird ideas about property ownership- we use the public library a LOT, and she is constantly claiming the books are “hers” or complaining that her brothers are stealing their books. She can’t seem to understand the idea of borrowing in that context.

Comment by Wendy Kennedy — January 20, 2009 @ 7:18 pm
This comes just as I received a call yesterday on my 13 yr aspie. He has been taking football jerseys at school and wearing them. I do not know if he takes them for thier texture or if he feels more like the other kids when he wears them. This is even more trouble some sime he has jerseys at haome that are his but not our school jersey. Any more ideas on how we should handle this?

Comment by RONNIE — January 21, 2009 @ 11:38 am
i have a 4 yr. old grandson who has AS and is really smart,and has trouble with eating faily meals, he may eat for a week everything you give him then he just about stops eating, can anything be done and what is the right way to do it? he sometimes gets set to his room and told he is bad for not eating and I worry that this is wrong and may hurt him more than help him? Please Help?

Comment by brenda cox — January 22, 2009 @ 8:08 am
I am trying to find out where I found the Dear Teacher letter written as if the child has written it. it starts of
Hi, my name is ? and I am in your class this year. I want to tell you a little about me etc
And goes on to a list of questions eg What is my general disposition? What am I really good at? etc And the child explains.

Comment by Tricia Gillbanks — January 23, 2009 @ 12:45 am
My son is 9 and has Meltdowns that are getting worse. He was suspended last week due to his teacher being kicked and a bookcase being kicked while he was flipping out. 2 days later he kicked a hole in our wall. He was laying on his back and pounding his foot on the wall while I was taking a shower. Once it is over he is very sorry and cries I did not mean to do that I could not help it. I will try very hard next time. He is a banger, bang bang bang during his fits. It is almost a drum rhythm. He is big and strong and feels no pain so I am scared if this continues to escalate he will end up in jail or a mental hospital if we don’t get his under control now. We have many services in place for many of his areas of need and do not have a behavioral therapist yet. This has been or biggest challenge. Finding one that is available is a huge challenge and affording one is another block. They cost $225 per hour and do not take health insurance.

Comment by Kerissa — January 23, 2009 @ 12:56 pm
Hi The Dear teacher letter sounds good if anyone knows it or where to get it . thanks

Comment by Donna — January 23, 2009 @ 4:25 pm
My 13-year-old recently has been getting into lots of trouble for taking things from others. We have been lucky the police have not been involved (yet). I have been telling him all the ‘rules’ and ‘consequences’ until I am blue in the face! Yet I wonder if he really gets it…he listens and nods his head and we have seemingly good conversations about it all,but…I just feel uneasy.

Comment by Anne Marie — January 24, 2009 @ 9:51 am
I have the letter. I want to know where I got if from for permission to use in a newsletter.
Hi, my name is _________________________________and I am in your class this year.
I want you to know a little about me.
I’m nervous to be in your class because it’s new and I don’t know what to expect. I need some time to adjust and then I will feel comfortable.
Please don’t judge me on my first few weeks. As the time goes by, you will be amazed by the skills you never thought I possessed.
I sometimes look like I don’t understand. That’s just because I don’t have the same expressions and reactions as other people.
As I become familiar with your classroom I will begin to shine. A great way to speed up this process is letting me know what to expect.
I usually need to know in advance of any changes to our program as I don’t like change and get anxious.
I don’t have any semi circular canals – the balance organs – in my ears, so I may find some physical activities challenging.
Because I have 2 vertebrae fused in my neck, I have been told to avoid doing forward rolls or flips on the trampoline.
You are my teacher and I look up to you. I want to succeed this year but I can’t do it without your help and most importantly, your belief in me that I can do it!
1. What is my general disposition?
2. What am I really, really good at?
3. What do I absolutely LOVE doing?
4. What do I absolutely HATE doing?
5. What academics are my strong areas?
6. What academics do I need a lot of extra help with?
7. Which skills would my parents really like me to work on this year?
8. How do you know when I’m getting frustrated?
9. What can you do to calm me down before the storm hits?
10. Too late! The storm hit! What can you do to calm me down?
11. What strategies work really well to get me to do something I don’t want to do?
12. What typically makes me laugh?
13. What consequences back-fire and don’t give the desired results?
14. I don’t like consequences, but which consequences work well for me?
15. I would also like you to know…

Comment by Tricia Gillbanks — January 26, 2009 @ 5:51 pm
OOPS! I sent the letter I had altered to suit my son (re neck)Just put the bits in that are appropriate or relevant to your child.

Comment by tricia Gillbanks — January 28, 2009 @ 5:09 am
I have a 13 yr old and at this point I think it may be hormones that are agrivating the situation. MY son who usually gets along in school with others was sent to the office for threatening a classmate. He has also been taking others jersys as mentioned before. at times I am at my wits end for what else to do. I am reading books and having him talk to the phsycologist today. I think I may get him set up with a councelor. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Comment by RONNIE — January 29, 2009 @ 8:46 am