How to help your Aspergers child with bullying
Hi there it’s Tuesday again and time for your weekly Aspergers article. There seems to be a little thing called an election featuring quite heavily “over the pond” at the moment! I’ve just watched Barack Obama cast his vote in some school in Chicago live on Sky News here in the UK (oh the wonders of modern technology!) And I just wondered (slightly tongue in cheek) if the candidates are ever tempted to vote for their opponent – just for a joke?
But seriously I would be curious to know who our US (and non-US) readers are rooting for – and why. In particular whether either candidate has any personal or political links with Aspergers or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders. I’ve seen very little debate on any “special needs” issues in what I’ve read in UK papers; but I suspect that some of you in the USA will have your opinions as to which candidate may be more supportive of parents with children who have special needs. So add your comments and thoughts this week – and let’s make this week’s Parenting Aspergers blog a political animal!
That said let’s move swiftly on to this week’s article:
Question
My son is 10 and having difficulty distinguishing bullying from normal, but unwanted, social advances. I cannot help him with this (there isn’t really a problem, he just cannot tell the difference between being picked on and being asked to join in when he doesn’t want to). I have always been able to assist in the past and now he is looking to me to do something but…what? Any and all help would be appreciated.
Answer
Your 10-year-old son might experience anger and resentment if he thinks that he is being bullied. Also, having Asperger’s Syndrome can result in him disliking or distaining people who he feels do not share his beliefs and interests. He may be introverted or just not feel like interacting with people at certain times. He may not confront these situations or may handle them inappropriately because he perceives the language used by others to be provocative or insulting. An added component to all of this is that, at the age of 10, your son might not be able to explain how he feels about what he perceives to be the motives of others.
In general, here is how we define bullying: “Persistent and unwanted aggressive behaviour that is directed toward a chosen individual. This behaviour makes the individual feel uncomfortable, stressed, or hurt. When bullying behaviour is repeated, it is called harassment.” So, the difference between bullying and unwanted social interactions is, for the most part, whether the other person is “aggressive” or not (and that could mean physical or verbal aggression). Your son probably cannot tell the difference between the two as he has difficulty understanding the emotions and intentions of others.
So, you son needs to learn an acceptable way to handle bullying, as well as any other interaction that makes him feel uncomfortable and/or is unwanted, regardless of the intentions of the other person involved. He needs to find an effective way to communicate without provoking additional unwanted behaviours.
One effective method to help your son is to role play, or ask a trusted friend to role play, with him. Your son can use “I statements.” These are statements that tell another individual how he feels. The statements are not designed to escalate aggressive or unwanted behaviour from the other individual.
Here are some possible “I statements” for your son to use:
“I’m not comfortable right now, and I need to be left alone. I’m leaving now.”
“I think we can talk about this. Please sit down and talk with me.”
“I’m not sure what you want from me. Will you talk with me?”
“Oh, I’m due home now. Gotta go!”
“It’s been nice talking to you, but I’m busy this afternoon. See ya later.”
When you are doing role play, give him a couple of these sentences, and practice various situations that might occur. Then ask him if he can think of some situations he’s been in and use the responses for those situations.
The “I statement” intervention assumes that your son is not being hit, pushed, or otherwise attacked physically. Please consider meeting with your son’s teacher and the school principal to see what can be done to provide closer supervision for your son while he is on school grounds if this type of situation is occurring. Outside of school, perhaps some of your son’s friends can be with him to help him in various situations. The last two “I statements” are probably the best ones to use for gracefully leaving a situation in which he doesn’t want to participate.
Thanks for reading and I hope you get the president that you want if you’re in the States.
Until next week …
Dave Angel
PS – To keep you updated I have now written even more Aspergers articles for the brand new site on topics such as keeping your child safe (e.g. stranger danger, road crossing etc.), coping with boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, puberty, and various sex/sexuality questions.
PPS - Don’t forget to use the “Share This Post” button if you think this article will be helpful to other parents that you know.
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It would be nice to be able to read the entire story on this but because there is this strip of advertising covering a good portion of the writeup I can’t see all of it, which I find most annoying.
Comment by Lynn — November 4, 2008 @ 9:42 am
hello- I am commenting about the usa candidates. I voted for McCain/”Palin” Alaska’s govern Sara Palin has a special needs child with Down Syndrome and her Newphew has autism. I hope my vote will count to get her in power to help our special needs children. That is her vow to be our advocatein the white house!!! So go vote today!!
Comment by sherri USA — November 4, 2008 @ 9:54 am
Sarah Palin (McCain’s VP) has vowed to help special needs children (she has a child with Down’s Syndrome)
Comment by Becky Hagen — November 4, 2008 @ 10:05 am
I’m voting for McCain. Obama may say he’s for ‘change’ but he’s not for ‘life’. I do not think any nation has a chance if it veers away from God’s law, and Obama is fully supportive of partial birth abortions. His increased taxes will burden the already sagging economy, and his support of gay marriage is another straw on the camel’s back. He is baseless. I do not really care for McCain that much, but he is much more a man of substance than Obama. Obama scares me. Nobody ever taxed their country in to prosperity, and nobody will ever get away with murdering babies by shoving scissors in their heads and sucking their brains out when they are only a few centimeters away from taking a breath and living. I believe that McCain’s running mate with a ’special needs’ baby speaks loudly about what they care about. McCain and his wife have adopted and all Obama has ever done has been a street activist encouraging people by the fact he will vote for their right to kill their babies and raising taxes to pay for it. I will never support the ending of life in that way.
Brian
Comment by Brian Goodwin — November 4, 2008 @ 10:10 am
My 7yr old son is in a mainstream school with small classes & doing well, however, there is a boy who started physically hurting him on the playground… I showed Daniel how to draw an imaginary circle around himself and to tell the boy if he steps into his “personal space” again and touch him, that he would have to tell me & that I would contact his parents and the school principle in order to sort out his behaviour. It has been 2 weeks and the boy is leaving Daniel alone!
PS – I am from South Africa & part of Mandela’s “Rainbow Nation” and following the elections in the USA with a keen eye! We do not have the support from government as much as in USA or UK in terms of special needs education and it comes with a huge price tag.
PS – If I could I would have voted for Barack Obama because we need change in our world for ourselves but more importantly for our children… you know the saying “when the US sneezes…”
Comment by Paula — November 4, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Dave, re the election here both candidates’ have made statements supportive of special education. The Republican VP nominee, Sarah Palin, is the mother of a Down’s syndrome baby and I believe has a niece or nephew affected by autism as well.
Both candidates have made statements earlier this year (nothing lately) Here’s a couple of links: judge for yourselves!
http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/AutismSpectrumDisorders.pdf
http://www.johnmccain.com/content/?guid=24dc9c37-e739-4aa3-8a88-ebae650a2f11
McCain’s plan
Comment by TomsMom — November 4, 2008 @ 10:12 am
We read all the position papers on autism issues and feel Obama is strongly preferable. We need healthcare including behavioral health, for all our kids, now!
Comment by Larissa in Santa Cruz, California — November 4, 2008 @ 10:13 am
This is the problem today with the media and politics.The real message is not getting to the people of the USA and to the rest of the world,and thats a shame.Sarah Palin ,VP candidate for the Republican party is vested in helping families with special needs children.She delivered a speech weeks ago that was so moving and clear on her direction for special needs.This is the information that the American people and the world needs to hear.She has a child with Downs Syndrome and is well aware of the challenges families face.The Rebublican candidates have the best interest of our country in mind moving forward not backwards like the Democratic candidates.
Comment by Nancy — November 4, 2008 @ 10:14 am
OK I had a real problem with the whole bully thing. If my son was not being bullied he started to bully others! I think he thought it was how to be and get liked.
Your advice is wonderful! I wish I could have taught him to walk away. In stead after more than I could cope with he is home schooled. Yes it’s working well BUT he is behind with same age social skills.
Oh! living in Turkey it is a bit hit and miss with the American elections but for me it has to be Barack Obarma!
Comment by Rae — November 4, 2008 @ 10:25 am
My daughter is homeschooled so at this point, we don’t have to worry about bullying.
I am in the U.S. and I am voting for McCain. McCain cares about families, businesses, and our country. He has adopted kids and Palin has special needs children. Obama is a smooth talker for sure. IMO, if Obama is elected….the whole world will be hurting worse than it is right now. God Bless America.
Comment by Vickie — November 4, 2008 @ 10:35 am
My 10 year old son either isn’t bullied, or just has not been affected by it. My 13 year old daughter (unofficially diagnosed Aspie) has been bullied horribly. I was trying to teach her ways to deal with it, but she isn’t catching on. I went to the school, and have contacted the state Department of Education. If the school doesn’t handle it effectively, I will file a formal complaint with the DoE, and there will be consequences for the school.
It is important to note that Sarah Palin has a child with Down’s Syndrome, and during her acceptance speech, stated openly that parents of children with special needs would have an advocate in the White House if the McCain/ Palin ticket won. I haven’t heard anything since. I will vote for Obama, though.
Comment by Kris — November 4, 2008 @ 10:46 am
My 10 yr old son can be very rude to his “precious few” friends when he isn’t in the mood to play. I worry that he will eventually ruin these friendships but I don’t know how to help him be more aware of the need to care about another’s feelings. I guess role play could help but he’s not a willing participant in anything that could “help” him overcome aspie obstacles. SO STUBBORN! PS I just voted and I’m an Obama supporter for sure. I know a lot of people with special needs kids are in favor of VP candidate Palin b/c she says special needs kids will be a huge priority for her. All I can say to that is I hope she means it and realizes that if she doesn’t become VP she can still be a HUGE help and advocate for us! Republican or Democrat I don’t care just please let someone step up and make a difference!!!
Comment by Tricia Hackworth — November 4, 2008 @ 11:04 am
I have a child that is going to be the great age of 13 that not only has aspergers but only ADHD, and an anxiety disorder. He attends public school and he was bullied earlier this year for the first time. We went to the school first thing and our school has a strict no bullying policy for which i am thankful They addresesd the situation with diplomacy and gave my son the reinforcement that bullying was just not okay. I think that it depends on how the school and adults handle it that dictates how the kids see it.
On a political note, I have given my vote (as today is election day) to Obama and althoug I know that Palin has a child that is special needs it concerns me that she is not spending the time and energy that special needs children deserve with her son. Most parents that I know of have had to redo their lives and some leave a carear to be with their children so to not give him that attention concerns me. However, i think that both candidates have their own good reasons and points. I still voted for Obama for the change that our country so needs right now.
Comment by Katrina McLamb — November 4, 2008 @ 11:06 am
Great comments, My son 10 was bullied horribly by the good catholic school boys. Taking food from the garbage to feed him- the dodgeball nighmare. Then when they made up a playground game “sean-off” where if they touched my son they had to touch someone else to get the “sean off”. He did not want me to tell the grown ups because they were playing with him. He could not see that they were being mean..After a counsellor told me he was suicidal because of it, I moved him to a new school. the combination of meds and peer aceptance has made a huge difference. He still has no “close” friends, but he feels safe and the kids just accept him “as is” I pray that Obama will help our kids.. kt
Comment by Katie — November 4, 2008 @ 11:12 am
My 10 year old son has been diagnosed with Aspergers within the last month. He certainly has had problems with bullying (as his mainstream UK school) - last year he often would retaliate to aggressive behaviour and get in trouble with teachers. This year we have coached him to remove himself from the bullying and report it and he seems to be following this strategy and staying out of trouble.
Your article gave me food for thought about how he might be reacting to non-agressive social advances - I hadn’t really thought about that.
I did a bit of googling on Obama/McCain and Autism..just for yourselves:
http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/AutismSpectrumDisorders.pdf
http://www.johnmccain.com/content/?guid=24dc9c37-e739-4aa3-8a88-ebae650a2f11
Comment by Gerry — November 4, 2008 @ 11:18 am
I always get good tips off this blog. My son is 10 and was diagnosed with aspies this year. I do want to add my 10 cents about this election. If Sarah Palin cared so much about special needs children she would be at home with her child, not parading him around on display. That baby needs his mother at home, where he can be focused on. She is to worried about herself. Go Obama!
Comment by Magen Francisco — November 4, 2008 @ 11:46 am
My son is now 15 and at a young age was bullied by his peers in school. I, however, was not equipped to teach him how to handle these situations and regret not being able to help him. He is now homeschooled and taking a couple of high school courses at a local private school. However, his social skills also need to fine tuning, but we’re working on it. I found a wonderful website through one of your newsletters and I’m ordering a DVD to help him interact with his peers..it’s called Model Me Kids. I’m voting Republican because I support the moral values and the freedom we enjoy to home educate our children when we need to. Please read the 2008 Republican Platform for more information.
Comment by Patricia A — November 4, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
My 10 year old aspie boy had a problem in grade 2 with several bullies. He would not talk about what was happening until one day when the bullies had him pressed against the back fence and were beating the tar out of him. The playground duty saw the whole thing and intervened. When she rushed up to them my aspie was repeating over and over again “we are supposed to be peace builders.” She told me who the bullies were and I spoke with the parents - of course to the usual “my child wouldn’t do that.” I took the issue up with the teacher and they had a series of lessons on bullying and at home we role played on what my aspie should do. I also arranged for him not to be in the same class with those children in the 3rd and 4th grade. I ask him if the same children are still bullying him and he has said no but he then explains what he needs to do if he is bullied again.
I have found games and role play work best and help because they are light hearted and there is no threat involved. Then reinforcement of what was role played just before school starts helps my aspie to remember the “rules” to keep him safe.
We have a strong autism community in Utah and I don’t really care who is elected on a national level as long as the govenor of our state is re-elected - he is fantastic and makes a huge difference in our lives.
Comment by Julie Brown — November 4, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
I’m not sure what this election will bring, but considering the backgrounds of Obama and his wife who both came from households that had either illness, mixed racial tension, or other problems that ehey dealt with as children and the fact that the Obamas have young children themselves, I believe he is the right candidate for change in laws protecting the rights of disabled children and adults.
Secondly, my son, who is part of the Asperger’s group, and is now 17, had to deal with all dinds of bullying and physical abuse at the hands of his classmates in elementary and junior high. It took manymeetings with principals and the hiring of an attorney (who never had to actually do anything) before I was taken seriously. Just because the big picture in the USA shows more tolerence for differences does not make it so everywhere here. I thik that the biggest difference was my son growing to 6′2″ and 215# that nobody wants to mess with him, but he has also learned many strategies for dealing with others like just excusing himself.
Comment by Annette — November 4, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
I also forgot to comment that my school now has signs hanging in every hallway stating “No Bullying Zone! Perpetrators WILL BE prosecuted!” My son believes this is due to him personally even though I believe it is a state mandate but I will let him think he has made a difference!
Comment by Annette — November 4, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
Hi, Dave and hi to the AS community from Eustis Florida!
In total we indeed heard very little about special needs children. Sarah Palin used one of her ralley stops to underline that she will provide everything that’s needed. She had her little one with down syndrome with her. Specifics were not mentioned and she will not make it anyway.
Barack Obama will bring a different understanding to education to this country and hopefully end the progressing illiteracy and orientation toward the low end. In the course of that we can only hope that a more intellectual president who claims that he will take care of the quality of education demands more creativity
for the education of our AS children. We hope the national organisations have enough educated brain matter to see the chance and make the urgency clear.
We are a progressive independent AS support group in Central Florida and work the basics, to help the community and schools understand that the kids do not need to be seen as a ‘problem’, rather represent a beautiful potential once society open their minds.
Cross fingers for Barack Obama.
Gesa Barto
Comment by Gesa Barto — November 4, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
We are very lucky to live in a school district with zero tolerance for bullying. My 8 year old aspie can be clueless when people are talking about things he doesn’t care about and we are lucky that on the bus our neighbor’s son (older) has decided that he will take our son under his wing. That being said, he does say that some children have started to really notice he is “different” and this does bother him. I know the future will only get worse, so am happy to see some suggestions.
Sara
P.S. I am an Obama supporter! or as my kids say,”Go Orock Obama!!!”
Comment by Sara Galvin — November 4, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
my son is in the 10th grade in high school. He has Aspergers. My problem is not with him being bullyed. I believe he is the one who is the bully. If he does not get his way or if you don’t show interest in what he is saying he will hit you or throw something at you. This has happened at school and at home. Do your have any suggestions of what i can do to stop this behavior.
Comment by linda hubbard — November 4, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
My son 12 year old son Toby has (and still is) suffering bullying. Since going up to high school the problem has got so much worse. The school is much bigger than his middle school and seem to be less interested.
He is now being taught in mainstream classes with an L.S.A (when there is one available!), the inclusion officer thinks it will be good for Toby’s social skills, as “Aspergers kids model their behaviour on others”. To be quite frank I really would rather he didn’t model his behaviour on most of his peer group, most of them are rude and abusive towards Toby. I am due to meet with the head of his year and the Inclusion Officer next week to discuss this and many other problems he is having. I get so frustrated with the whole bullying thing, the school seems less than willing to accept it happens most of the time, even implying that it’s Toby’s fault. Yes he can have ‘traits’, ‘habits’ etc that even I find annoying, but as with everything in life you have to be tolerant of other people. Why does it always seem that the emphasis is on changing the way Toby behaves and acts and nothing to do with educating the other kids on acceptance and understanding of other peoples differences?
I wish I had the money and facilities to teach him from home. Roll on June 2011!!
Comment by Kate Smith — November 4, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
Hi everyone! I’m here in Southern California and voted for Obama. I’m sure Palin will have everything handed to her, that her son needs, and do hope that she will try to make a difference in Special Needs whether she’s voted in or not….but we’ll see!
Comment by Deanna — November 4, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
my son is a 9 year old aspie and has trouble with a bully in class. I have discussed this with the teachers but it still happens. The school refuses to test him bc he made ab honor roll. The dr who dx him as aspergers recommended testing??? And said he needed pragmatics speech tx and social role play tx. I think the bullying will continue or escalate unless he learns the tools to communicate with others appropriately!
I am hoping Palin/McCain wins bc I trust their integrity!!!!
Comment by Beverly Brown — November 4, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
My 15 year old daughter is just having social issues with kids who misbehave and use bad language that hang around her group.
I can’t vote (UK citizen) but would vote for McCain/Palin - I think they are more honest and ran a cleaner campaign on less money - we are having economic difficulties right now - I do feel that they would be more supportive of families with special needs children. Obama is too full of himself.
Comment by Rosemary — November 4, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
My 9 year old Aspie has the great advantage of a very protective older brother. We had a lot of bullying problems when he was in kindergarten and the first grade, mostly on the school bus, but his brother very quickly stepped up–to the point that I had to call him off! But one positive thing that can come out of it: use the situation–your child being bullied–to teach him some empathy for others. I have found that if I walk Ryan through his emotions: Why did that upset you? What should he/she have done or said that would have been better? Do you have a solution –is there anything Mommy can do that will fix it for you? This process of analyzing his feelings seems to help him in coping, and I have used bullying incidents as a tool as well. “When that little boy said that to you, how did it make you feel? Well, that is exactly how Mommy/Bubby/whoever feels when you get mad and through your fits or when you say inappropriate things about people.” As far as the election–Sarah Palin has a child with Down’s, and I am sure that gives her a perspective that I wish more politicians have. But I am very torn between both candidates, and I am not sure that her status as a parent of a special needs child is enough to qualify her to “run the senate,” as she thinks the vice president does!
Comment by Stephania — November 4, 2008 @ 3:29 pm
My grandson(we have custody of him) bullies and get bullied. We are having a very hard time with this. The school he attends is helping a great deal. We have an autism specialist involved at school. We talk and do some role play at home. He is slowly becoming aware of the reality of bullying. We will keep working on him and with him. It is a very hard situation.
P.S.Obama all the way!!
Comment by Juanita Ransome — November 4, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
My going on 13 year old grandsons class last year had to write about a person in the class they saw being picked on either a mean thing or a good thing. The whole class had ssen my grandson picked on meanly. The teacher said she went to the class next door and the teacher who was doing the same said that a third of her class had seen my grandson being mean to three boys in her class. My grandsons teacher said it was the case of the bullied turning to bullying. I wasn’t very happy with it or how it was handled. Obviously the three people in that class were the bullies. My grandson just keeps to himself or goes to sick bay and says his stomachs hurting.
Comment by Lillian Carde — November 4, 2008 @ 5:36 pm
My son is a big 12 yr old aspie who has trouble interacting with peers. He ends up bullying others when he is trying to interact. Messing up their hair and being REALLY rough. Like he doesn’t know his own strength. Any suggestions?
Comment by Lena Saulsbery — November 4, 2008 @ 5:38 pm
I had such wonderful comments and messed up the security code.
We are raising twin grandsons. One was diag.in June with Asp. We have had a terrible time with bulling in the school they attended. I did not realize my rights until my daughter decided to get her master’s in special ed. Colo. and the U.S. have specific laws for special ed. Once I started letting the teacher and Prin. know I knew and understood those laws I had better success. The boys now attend another school are both in 4th grade and are all caught up.
I love that this blog allows us to hear from so many different countries. Thanks for all the input it has really helped us. Oh, I voted for Obama. I love his wife and family.
Comment by Claudia Worth — November 4, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
The posted comments are extremely helpful. It is comforting to know that I am not alone and crazy and that other parents are experiencing the same thing. My 13 year old (unofficially diagnosed aspie) gets bullied almost everywhere he goes (school, church, parties). Last school year it was so bad that I had to demand that the school bring in outside help and create an anti bullying policy(not only for my son but for other kids as well). The school had developed a bullying spirit that went unchecked by the administrators. As for my son, no matter how many times over the years we have tried to teach him to ignore name calling he continues to react and his ‘reactions’ often spark more bullying. This year he started high school and low and behold the same thing is happening.
I really appreciate this blog and will share many of the comments and suggestions with my son. Thanks
Comment by Pamela Mucherera — November 4, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
I have read all of the comments and it seems to me that roleplaying with your child is the best way to get past the bullying. My young (HF autistic) son has already experienced a form of bullying at Kindergarten! It worries me that this could happen when he goes to school next year. I have tried using social stories with him, which helps and teaches him strategies to help him distinguish between being a friend and not, also helps him with his play because tends to continue playing when the play has changed to being “unfriendly play” or when he’s had enough and doesn’t know how to stop. These have definitely helped and I’ve seen him using these strategies when he plays at Kinder. I think role-play may work with him later when he’s a bit older than five. Pictures work well with him.
Comment by Fiona Arthur — November 4, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
Now that Obama has more or less been officially called, the US is in deep, deep trouble, especially for folks with special needs. The same guy who supports partial birth abortion and killing abortion survivors isn’t going to have much patience for anybody who isn’t in one of the special interest groups like the minorities or the homosexuals. That said, I know that locally, we are truly blessed to have a school for my Andrew (8, formally PDD/ADHD but just a few criteria short of Aspie). He has been both the aggressor and the aggressee (?) in the past, and is now much more stable with appropriate school support and medical support. When he brings me stories of kids being mean to him, I try to use them as opportunities to show compassion - expressing things in terms of such-and-so needs help, and if we tell the principal/bus driver/teachers etc. then he can get the help he needs, just like you did. It works for now - but it will probably get harder when he enters puberty.
Comment by satscout — November 5, 2008 @ 1:07 am
How do I move your info to the right of your column so that I am able to see / read all the words?
Comment by Barb — November 5, 2008 @ 2:01 am
I have an Aspie son who is nearlly 8. He attends a mainstream school here in Australia. This is the first year (grade 2) that I have discovered how HORRIBLE children can be. There is not a week that goes by that my husband does not want to go to the school and cause grievious bodily harm to one of our sons so called “friends”.
My son is sooooo desperate to be included in the group that he will put up with a lot from them.
It is only when he has obviously had enough and is completely frustrated with their persistant exclusions, intimidation,blackmail etc etc and downright nastiness - that he explodes! And surprise surprise…. who is caught being unreasonable and out of control by the playground teacher on duty? You got it… My son.
We try to encourage him to find new friends - to no avail. The best we can do is ensure the perpetrators are not in his class next year.
We will deal with the new lot of horrors then.
Comment by Kelli Martin - Australia — November 5, 2008 @ 5:59 am
This information is so helpful and I am going to try this with my little girl. She is 8 yrs old , has adhd and Aspergers, has been home schooled and because of social skills, decided to put her back into school again, even though just like I have read in Rae’s write up, she was doing well academically. The support and help from school and the area in general is shocking and we find that we are having to struggle and fight for everything for Katie , to help her cope and get along at school. She is so desperate to fit in socially and be accepted, but because she gets her emotions mixed up and struggles to understand other peoples, behaves inappropriately even though, more often than not she hasn’t been the cause of it and can’t handle the situation correctly in responce. We live in the UK and I just wish that there was more support and help for children and parents in our situation.Thanks for emailing me this information, I am going to forward it on to the headmistress, as you have described what katie is going through in easier terms than I would have been able to put into words. Jen
Comment by jeny haries — November 5, 2008 @ 8:09 am
My son is 11 (ADHD,Aspergers,Dispraxia) and has just started secondary school. They have been marvellous. He has a keyworker, all his teachers are aware of his conditions.I have regular contact and he has somewhere to go at break and lunchtimes, I drop him off and pick him up so the opportunity for bullying is reduced. He has had problems with local boys where we live, once being thrown to the ground. Now he won’t go outside of the house perimeters. His other friends do come to the house occasionally but I worry that he won’t go out for a long time. I try to tell him how to deal with them but he won’t listen or he immediately say’s it won’t work. He can get very angry with his friends if they do something he doesn’t like, but telling him he’ll lose them if he carries on has no effect, but he has rang and apologised when told to. He has social skills classes at school every week with other children similar to him and he loves responsibility, he is now a library assistant which he loves. I cannot praise the school enough, especially as it is a very large comprehensive.
As for the US Elections, I have been following it now and again and was very impressed with Barack Obama and pleased to see him get the job, now we could do with a change on this side of the pond!!!
Comment by Karen Robins — November 5, 2008 @ 8:34 am
Wow! This is a big topic. My son turned 11 yesterday and is doing ok at his new school but he had a difficult start to the year and was excluded from school because he responded with agression to aggressive bulling. I believe the school just ‘gave up’ because it got too hard to sustain my son in their environment. We found another school and he is really happy, unfortunately I have to find him a new school to go next year as his current school is not a full primary. I live in New Zealand and have found that if I ‘push’ hard enough I can get the help I need but as my son is ‘high functioning’ he does not meet the funded special needs category and therefore help and support is somewhat limited.
We have been following the US elections with great interest but our counrty is having a general election this Saturday. We are watching all political parties with great interest - especially their education policies. Unfortunately, as a parent, I do not think we will have the government we need.
Comment by Julie Dent — November 5, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
My 10 year old son has the same problem, he is always coming home saying that so and so is picking on him. When I ask the teacher about it she says that she isn’t seeing anything like that and that the boys were actually working together on a project. It’s hard for me to tell just how much is his perspective and how much of it is really true. I don’t want to ignore something that could actually be an issue, but on the other hand I don’t want to create an issue if there’s not one. The other thing that I noticed is that my son will not sit by strangers at social functions such as, football games, church, basketball games etc. Has anyone else experienced this behavior? If so any suggestions?
Comment by celeste griffin — November 5, 2008 @ 10:26 pm
I have already left a message but thought I’d come back and see if there were any more….and I am so shocked by the amount of ’stories’ of bullying happening to Aspie kids at schools (UK and beyond). Why do we have to put up with it? I’m probably about to cause uproar, but if our children had ‘noticeable’ dissabilities (i.e in a wheelchair, or blind, or missing limbs) I’m pretty sure schools and society for that matter would be outraged and there would probably be a major campaign to stamp it out. The press would damm the accused and shame those responsible for letting it happen. Unfortunatley because our unique children look “normal” they are prime targets and the schools seem to be of the opinion that they asked for it because of their behaviour. I am so fed up with this constant battle just to make my sons school life bearable. Why should we have to fight so hard for the extra support and understanding for our children.
Ruth Kelly MP (former minister for education) had the right idea (lucky she’d got the money) to put her special needs child in a private special school. Doesn’t say much about our state school system if the then minister for education takes her child out of a state school.
Surley our kids, who lets face it could become the next Einstein, Bill Gates, Alexander Graham Bell, Motzart & Beethoven to name a few SUSPECTED of having Aspergers, surley they deserve a better start in life than most seem to be getting? If there are any people out there reading this who have the power to make changes then please do something, why should these fantastic kids suffer?
Comment by Kate Smith — November 6, 2008 @ 3:33 pm
I’m delighted that I can read most of the post in Firefox now, way to go, Dave! And thanks for the text version as well. About the topic of bullying — it’s true that the standard definition of bullying makes it abundantly clear why Aspergers-types would feel bullied by a normal social advance, because it DOES feel like those things to them! (Unwanted, anxiety-producing, etc.) My personal favorite thing to say when not sure of the situation … my 6-year-old has HFA, btw … is simply “No, thanks!”
Comment by janny226 — November 7, 2008 @ 6:56 am
You hit the nail on the head suggesting the “I” statements. When my older son was in 1rst grade at a new school & came home telling me about “I” statements, I was unsure if they would work but I have seen them work great in the last several years that I have worked at the school. My younger son, Logan, is 12 & he has AS. For the first year he was in school (before his diagnosis which only came last year)he would get angry if another kid said or did something that he thought was wrong. One boy who was 2 yrs older knocked over Logans block castle. Of course he was upset, that was normal, but he didn’t yet have the social skills to handle it, so he put the kid in a head lock. We worked on role playing and taught him how to handle such situations without them escalating. Every day on the way to school his brother & I would ask him about different scenarios & how he would handle them. Then the 3 of us would repeat the mantra, “Walk away and tell the teacher”. We would say it, sing it but most importantly drill it into his head by repeating it. It worked. That first year was hard. I wasn’t afraid of him being bullied as much as him being labeled a bully because he couldn’t deal with certain social issues. Now he has learned how to respond and he has become so confident that he doesn’t let things get to him. Just Wednesday he came home from school and I knew he and some classmates had talked politics a lot recently. Logan is a conservative young man and he was pulling for McCain/Palin. He & his brother talked me into letting them play hookey from school last month and take them to a Sarah Palin rally. So after the election, I was curious how he’d react to his friends, what they’d say & how he’d respond. All 7 of his friends who supported Mr. Obama just kept saying things like “Ha Ha Logan!” I knew he has come along way when he told me that he said nicely “Hey whatever guys. Someone had to win and it was your man that did it. Congratulations!” I was very proud of my son. There are lots of adults who don’t have AS who have been unable to handle this topic with the grace and maturity that he did.
Comment by Mary Ann Ryan — November 7, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
My seven year’s old is very bright and that is is unfortunatly his downfall.If i get comments like, ‘he is so clever but acts silly’ from teachers, what do i expect from the wider community.I totally agree with Kate, there needs to be a national campaign because i’ve had horrendous experiences from PCT and schools. There are some local organisation that can help. I’m a member of PACT. Parents of autistic children together. There are PACT organisations all over the country. You can easily set up one if you do not have one in your borough. They lobby local mps and government for change. Hope this helps!!
Comment by aisha — November 8, 2008 @ 7:06 am
I too had to return to the site after leaving a comment and I totally agree with Kate Smith. In fact I did use the annalogy that if my son were in a wheel chair the “other child” would be infront of the diciplinary committee and not my son!
I know I will continue to be the best advocate for my son and hold out with hope that his world will become a better place.
Comment by Julie Dent — November 8, 2008 @ 7:11 pm