How to help your child with Aspergers survive the holiday season

Filed under:Other — posted by admin on December 5, 2008 @ 3:17 pm

This is an article designed to help parents of children who have Aspergers through the holiday seasons. We all have fond memories of our own childhood, when we looked forward to putting up the decorations, eating mouth watering meals and receiving all those longed for presents at Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. As parents we naturally want our children to enjoy it all and have as much fun as we did so we talk, anticipate and prepare with mounting excitement as the celebrations draw nearer. However for those families who are raising a child with Aspergers syndrome it all adds up to an almighty headache! Children with Aspergers Syndrome have a real hard time coping with all of these celebrations and if they have their birthday on top of that… well you may as well pack up and go away until Spring!

Anticipation for a child with Aspergers Syndrome leads to increased levels of anxiety which they cannot control. They become overloaded and then you have a massive meltdown at the time when you are all supposed to be enjoying and celebrating the season of peace and goodwill! The party will be ruined and everybody upset, especially your child who is trying so hard to fit in and be like everybody else. So how can you achieve the impossible and enjoy the season while at the same time keeping your Aspergers child calm and behaving appropriately?

The first simple step to take is to simply reduce the time talking about the festive occasion. Remember he /she cannot easily control their emotions and to chatter constantly about the event will simply lead to stress and anxiety. It is useful to enlist the help of others in your home in this and keep any conversations to a minimum while your Aspergers child is around. Another great strategy to help is to keep any physical changes to your home to the minimum, so by all means decorate, put up cards and a tree but just don’t make a big fuss about it all. A good tip is to not put out any presents until the day they are to be opened as your Aspergers child will have a hard time keeping their hands off and will became anxious and potentially oppositional.

Although it’s important not to overload your child it is equally important to explain any changes to their routines. So prepare your child for any changes by calmly telling them the day before what will be happening. Visual supports always work well so use photos or simple pictures to explain what will be happening. It is also important to explain to your child what is expected of them, e.g. to say ‘hello how are you” to guests and sit at the table to share the meal. Your child will also need to be given permission to leave the festivities and you can rehearse this together with some simple role play. This is really important as it gives your child an exit strategy and also allows them to get through the celebrations without going into meltdown. Additionally if you see that he/she is becoming distressed you can also activate the exit cue so your child gets out before the situation deteriorates. Following these simple steps should lead to a much more positive experience for everyone and will provide your Aspergers child with the love, support, reassurance and above all confidence to participate fully in these wonderful occasions.

So to summarize briefly it is important to keep preparations and discussions around the holidays to a minimum when the child with Aspergers is around. Preparing them as to what will be expected of them at this time, as well as incorporating an exit strategy, will help further. Good luck!

Dave

comments (15)

15 comments »

Thank you, I never thought about putting presents out too early, and it has caused stress! This year I will do things differently. Thank you!

Comment by Lisa Hoefl — December 5, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
I wholeheartedly agree. I would also add that for those who have eating issues along with their sensory issues, try to run interference with “helpful” relatives (who have no clue) that insist that the child try everything served. They have no idea how much stress that puts both the parents and the Aspie child under. We have a rule for our son when it comes to party food: If you would like to try some, ask, but don’t feel pressured to try some. And we make sure he’s had supper before we go so he’s not hungry while everyone else is snacking.

Comment by satscout — December 5, 2008 @ 4:58 pm
Very interested post we know all about the difficulty handling theemotions and anticipations in this house. However my son has ADHD as well and he is the one who starts talking about and planning for christmas in september!!! Had a major melt down yesterday which is I am sure all due to the festive build up. any ideas?

Comment by Ann Hadfield — December 5, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Good points. My 6-year-old gets excited about Christmas but the food issues and social expectations can wear him down. An Advent calendar really helps him pass the time during December, and we are careful to put out only a few gifts, and only ones that he can can choose from to open (one) on Christmas Eve.

Comment by janny226 — December 5, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
Our child is now a 17 year old. In addition to the sensory, food, and social anxiety issues, we find that she sinks into a depression: she gets very lonely over the holidays and all the hype about the social aspects of the holidays makes her feel inadequate. We used to put her into a horseback riding camp, but now she is too old, so she will likely spend the days in front of the computer or tv or buried in a book. If we make an effort to do something with her, she believes it is out of pity, which she hates.

Comment by Clarice Kloezeman Thornton — December 5, 2008 @ 7:45 pm
Thank God for your article!!!! I have always have dreaded the holiday time and his birthday is December 18 too. This year is not any better too. Now I can understand my son and why he acts this way. We had an incident happen last year and my sister won’t come and stay at our home anymore.

Comment by Lisa Gonzalez — December 5, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
Ahhhh! The holidays. My son is just getting over his October birthday. As he stresses for about 2 months during that time.
Along comes Thanksgiving which we have a quiet day and do something in the afternoon that he likes. It happens to be horseback riding.
We had our first semi-successful Christmas last year. Our immediate family came to exchange gifts and hopefully a nice brunch on Christmas Eve. He is more comfortable at our home. I agreed to let Tommy know exactly what he would be getting as gifts. Because it works for us. Also since I have two daughters and three small grandchildren I had to try and save the day. Tommy played Santa and sat in a big chair and gave out the gifts one by one. We had a great day. I usually avoid putiing up the tree until Christmas Eve. I found that to be less stressful for all!! I now shop online to avoid the crowds. Tommy also starts surfing the web for gift ideas. This year if weather permits we will exchange gifts at a park near the horse trails are and he will ride horseback as Santa with the sack of gifts for the babies. I do throw in a surprise gift or two for him on Christmas. For the most part Tommy is so anxious during this time. A small gathering at home works best. My favorite day is the day after Christmas!! Happy Holidays-Keep it simple. Jane

Comment by Jane Place — December 5, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
We have lost the courtcase with our 13 year old grandson. He lives with his mum now after ten years. I have given him a diary to write in so we can talk about anything tht upsets him. His counsellor at school said that would be a good thing to do and she can follow it up next year to make sure his change in home is monitored.

Comment by Lillian Carde — December 5, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
I am new to the blogging. I have a three year old who was diagnosed with classic Autism not to long ago however the developmental pediatrician stated that later on she would mostly likely be diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, just developmentally couldn’t totally make the diagnosis. She stated to focus on Aspies when seeking education and treatment. I am finding these articles very helpful and find it very comforting to know there are other parents dealing with the same issues. Before she was diagnosed I thought she had SEVERE “brat-itis” and thought I was doing something completely wrong to cause this and I felt so bad for her because she seemed so out of control—it must have felt frightening to her. It is comforting to know that while I will call it “brat-itis” under my breath from time to time (afterall she is still three years old), I have coping skills in place for myself and more importantly my daughter. These articles go a long way.

Comment by Kimberly Hitt — December 6, 2008 @ 12:46 am
I made the big mistake of not making sure the presents from my visiting mother-in-law for my 7 year old son (diagnosed this summer with aspergers) were away before he came home from school. He saw one and has been a nightmare ever since. I’ve tried to explain that Santa magics all xmas presents away to the North Pole so he can deliver them Xmas eve but my son’s not buying it and my husband feels we should be able to leave presents from other people under the tree. I’m so grateful for your article this week as there are times that others, even his father, cannot appreciate how distressed our son can get when he can’t have what he wants and leaving presents for him under the tree, teasing him for 3 weeks would be unbearable for him (and me!).

Comment by Jo Harris — December 6, 2008 @ 6:38 am
Great article! I wrote one at info@parentingspecialneeds.com which is an online magazine. If you’d like to read it, go to that site. Thanks Donna

Comment by Donna Wexler, SLP — December 6, 2008 @ 9:07 am
I tell my daughter about your articles in hopes that she will take some of your advice. She is still in a state of denial. She knows her son has Asperger’s but she still thinks that he will grow out of it or become normal. I do not see my grandson often but when I am with him I am amazed at things that he has been able to accomplish. He will be 4 this year and he is already enrollsed in a special program in the town he lives in. He has never showed any violent episodes. He does get anxious at times. He is beginning to learn to show some emotions but he does not speak much. I am greatful for your organization and the insight that you share.

Comment by Kelli — December 6, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
My son has autistic features and he is 20 years old. Through the years, I have adapted to his idiosyncrasies. This year, he helped out with the Christmas decorations and cookies too. He is also looking forward to seeing his brother who has been away in university in UK for the past year.

Comment by Helen Chin — December 7, 2008 @ 8:58 pm
My 12 year old Aspie has never eaten Sunday Lunch at the table when all the relatives come to dinner, they are used to this and it is not a problem, he tends to stay out of the way, he will come and say hello but then disappears again, he always eats his dinner once the guests have gone. At Xmas he will sit at the table if I explain beforehand, he will say when he wants to go. This year we are going to my brothers which is a real problem as I will have to make sure he takes enough things with him to keep him occupied in another room otherwise he will just want to go home.Unfortunately Jack’s Birthday is in December, I quite agree as regards the presents, I do not have them in the house until the last minute as he will not be able to resist them and it ends up with a lot of tension all round. It does need careful planning. A peacefull and enjoyable Xmas to you all.

Comment by Karen Robins — December 8, 2008 @ 8:31 am
we too use a advent calendar. food and visits are major issues. if we eat at other’s homes, i always feed him before, or i bring simple sandwiches (my son likes nutella) that don’t need rfridgeration or heating, so it will not be a burden or special request of the host. we too bring things for him to do and explain what will happen, and what expectastions we have of him. people/family either accept that he will not participate or want to go home or they won’t. our son knows, that while we want to visit, there are time limits.. that helps..
by the way, i love my “aspie”… it’s so much easier to deal with than many “normal” kids.. you just have to be rational and explain things… none of the emotional/hysterical meltdowns i see of other kids when they don’t get their way!!!

Comment by Christl Bragan — December 8, 2008 @ 8:39 pm