Mind Blindness and Aspergers Syndrome

Filed under:Diagnosis — posted by admin on March 3, 2009 @ 9:22 am

Hi there it’s time for your weekly Aspergers article as ever on a Tuesday. This week has been a blur as I’ve been working hard on the completion of the new site www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com

If you haven’t yet signed up to find out exactly when the site will be launched and also gain access to some freebie articles from the site (there’s one coming out later today for all those on the list) and updates … then you’ve still got time just go over to www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com today.

Also another quick reminder … if you wanted to read “The History of Parenting Aspergers” report it’s still available for free download at http://www.parentingaspergers.com/history.html

OK with those reminders out of the way let’s go straight into this week’s article …

Question

Brain blindness: how to break through rigid thinking that prevents them from making a connection between their behavior and negative consequences? Once my Aspie children get an idea, no amount of evidence to the contrary will shift them.

Answer

One big challenge for those with high-functioning Asperger’s syndrome, is mindblindness (sometimes called brain blindness). Mindblindness refers to the inability of people with Asperger’s to understand and empathize with the needs, beliefs, and intentions that drive other people’s behavior, and their own. Without this ability, Aspies cannot make sense of the world. The world is constantly confusing them, and they go through life making mistakes because nothing makes sense (mindblindness). Aspies cannot connect their own needs, beliefs, and intentions to experiences and positive or negative consequences, at least not on their own. Many Aspies are unaware that they even have this problem, even if they know they have Asperger’s!

Yet, Aspies can learn to compensate for mindblindness with a lifetime of constant “counselling” by good teachers, parents, counsellors, and therapists. Some adult Aspies can read books and learn, but AS children need others to help them. With good help, Aspies can grow up to lead nearly normal lives. A good book for parents, teachers, and older Aspies to read is: Mindblindness by Simon Baron-Cohen.

Parents must understand that their Aspie children must be taught to use logic to make sense of the world and the people in it, one personal situation at a time.
Here are some “rules” written by a gentleman with Asperger’s that may help parents assist their Aspie children. He named them “Rules to Make Sense” and recommends that Aspie children be taught them.
“1) Every human behaviour has a reason behind it, even if I don’t see it.
2) I will not give up my unrelenting, autistic singlemindedness until I find the reason for a behaviour, or until I am satisfied that I do not have enough information to find it.
3) When I find the reason, all the pieces will fall into place, and not a single one will be left that doesn’t fit.
4) After I find it, I will dig further to try to disprove it.
5) If I find a single piece that doesn’t fit, then I still have a problem. Go back to step two with the problem.
6) I will force myself to accept what I have in front of me as the truth, even if I find it hard to believe.”

Here are a few more facts that Aspies must learn.
1) Most people usually talk about the things they want, and openly say what they believe. Women talk more than men and focus on feelings more.
2) When somebody’s behavior flies in the face of logic, concentrate on his or her feelings.
3) Some people are so messed up that it is just not possible to figure them out. Know when to give up.

A parents’ strategy should be to get their Aspie sons or daughters obsessed with the need to make sense of the world and help them understand that the mysteries of human behavior disappear when one understands the appropriate states of mind behind them. Also, to help them realize that once the state of mind is understood, people’s future behavior can be anticipated. But, how does a parent do that when the Aspie isn’t motivated to do so because they don’t realize there’s a need?

A parent must:
1) Teach the Aspie to make sense of the world by himself (eventually).
2) Constantly explain people’s states of mind to him and what they mean until he learns to figure them out on his own.
This means explaining the wants, needs, and beliefs that drive human behavior and the reasons behind all the unwritten rules that are part of human relationships.

Give the Aspie books to read. Explain his challenges and that he is in a state of confusion without being aware of it. Explain how each person feels about the world and about his own life. Explain that every person has a different set of values and that their behavior is driven by these values. Explain also your own state of mind and emotions constantly. Explain why you explain things to him. Explain that he should ask you questions about things he doesn’t understand. Do these things over and over and over.

Explain his own needs to him. It is only when he understands what he wants himself that he will have a basis for understanding that others also have wants, and that peoples’ wants are what makes them behave the way they do. If you explain something over and over, and he never ‘gets it’, the reason could be that there is more basic knowledge that he doesn’t have in order to understand.

Protect your Aspie children from the cruelty of strangers. Some people are not going to pass up the opportunity to treat them badly. You should explain that this is going to happen, and that they should not feel ashamed to go to you for support. They are going to meet people that will try to convince them they are worthless. You must convince them that they can and will make a success of life, as many Asperger’s people have. You must explain the states of mind of these people and why they do what they do – over and over.

Explain before punishing. If you punish a child for doing A, all that he is going to learn is that if he does A again, he is going to be punished again. He will not understand why he should not do A in the first place.

It is this constant explaining and counselling by parents, teachers, and therapists over years and years of living, repeated over and over again, that eventually will help the Aspie break through the bonds of mindblindness and learn to handle life successfully, on his own. Don’t give up; keep trying and get others to help you.

I hope this article has been helpful and don’t forget to check out www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com if you haven’t already.

Take Care and have a great week

Dave Angel

comments (25)

25 comments »

This was really helpful, thank you. My 6-year-old is mind-blind about our family dynamic and I didn’t even have a name for it, let alone have any idea of what could or should be done to help him figure out what’s not working for us and how we can go about fixing the situation for everyone’s benefit.

Comment by janny226 — March 3, 2009 @ 9:52 am
This is a fantastic article. It is something I have been struggling with my now-11-year-old over, as well as his teachers. I will be printing it out to take to them at the next case conference.

Comment by Kris — March 3, 2009 @ 10:00 am
This was absolutely awesome! Thank you so much. I know that sometimes my grandson ‘just doesn’t get it’, but I didn’t realize it had a name and good sound ways to help him.

Comment by Sandy — March 3, 2009 @ 10:05 am
Thanks once again Dave for helping me to understand what is going on with my boy. I often wonder why on earth I have to keep repeating the same thing over and over to him- I had some idea but now it is so much clearer.

Comment by Diane — March 3, 2009 @ 10:25 am
THank you so very much for explaining this in layman’s terms. I’ve been trying to lead my husband to some understanding about our son’s behaviour, and why a certain type of discipline (explanation and natural consequences) vs. punishment is more effective in helping him in understanding and behaving in an appropriate way. This article will be helpful in explaining mindblindness.

Thank you!

Comment by Lisa — March 3, 2009 @ 10:30 am
Your comments about protecting the child from cruelty of strangers is very appropriate, but what can a parent do when these remarks come from a relative such as the mother-in-law who suggests that the Aspergers’ child be “taken out behind the barn and shot”? I know of such an example and the child’s self-esteem was destroyed for years afterwards.

Comment by Mary Minshall — March 3, 2009 @ 1:28 pm
Absolutely 100% on the mark with this one. Especially the part about explanation vs. punishment. My husband just doesn’t understand why I won’t let him reflexively punish our son and I try to explain that he won’t/can’t correct the behavior with “just” punishment. I make a point of explaining to our son that sometimes people respond to certain behaviors with punishment, so he understands THAT they are considered wrong – then I try to give him an explanation of WHY and the background to help him understand that he has to learn to replace the bad behavior with a good one. I’m beginning to think my husband has some mindblindness of his own.

Comment by satscout — March 3, 2009 @ 2:43 pm
My husband couldn’t understand everytime he roared at our grandson. He said I was always sticking up for him and explaining away for him. I didn’t realise there was a name for him not understanding.

Comment by Lillian Carde — March 3, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
Well now I KNOW I’ve got it. I didn’t understand a single word of your article today, and generally I love everything you write! Oh Lisa and your ‘layman’s terms’ oh oh oh. I’m still smiling.

Comment by Carolin — March 3, 2009 @ 4:40 pm
You know, it would be really helpful if people stopped perpetuating the myth that Aspies are unable to empathise with human emotion!

I am an adult with AS, and believe me I ‘get’ emotion. I can logicially understand why someone might feel a certain way in a certain situation. It’s the *expression* of said emotion that throws me for a loop. If a person is feeling X, why do they do Y? Why not do Z instead? What do they ‘really’ mean when they do/say something? Or is there a meaning at all? Perhaps it’s all part of social ritual; the games we play with one another? Do any of you NTs think about stuff like that? Because I do. A lot, actually.

To summarise, I understand the needs and the emotions, I do not inherently understand why people express them the way they do. Because I normally wouldn’t do that kind of thing. Because I’m a cat, after all. It’s not that I am unable to comprehend, it’s that I see these things differently. You see the whole picture, I see the colours and textures.

Anyway.. as long as you’re consistent, the kids will figure out that cause leads to effect. That’s a fairly logical concept. Do X and Y happens.

I don’t see anything wrong, necessarily, with negative reinforcement (ie. letting the kid believe that if he does X, he’ll be punished). Sometimes the best answer to “why shouldn’t I do this?” is “because something bad will happen”. Remember, we’re on another wavelength. Your reasoning may not wash. And you know, maybe it *should* be questioned. Many a change has come about in this world because someone challenged the status quo.

Anyway, all that aside, the point is survival in this “dog’s world”, and logic is the way to go, folks. Don’t let anyone tell you Aspies don’t empathise. We do. Oh yes, we do. Just not in the same way.

Comment by Vicky — March 3, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
Can anyone help me with some advice on how I can get through to my 7 year old Aspie son. There is so much great advice out there on what to say and how to say it however my son never seems to want to listen and I don’t think any of it (or very little) goes in.
I’m desperate to help him but he has such a strong, stubborn mind that I’m finding it very difficult to help him through issues in general.
He very rarely communicates with me and is not interested at all when I try to talk to him to help him overcome difficult situations.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can get him to listen?
Many thanks

Comment by Angie — March 3, 2009 @ 6:36 pm
I’m so glad the adult aspie weighed in! I have an eight year old with Aspergers, and, though undiagnosed, I am convinced I have a husband and a 20 year old son with Aspergers as well, although there are great differences in them. The comment about not being able to empathize has always had an untrue ring with me, because I know my guys, all three of them, and I believe they are very sensitive to others’ emotions, perhaps even more so than NT’s. However, knowing how to deal with the expression of the emotions of others is where the difference has always seemed to lie, from my observation. So I love the insight from the commenter. One other thing, with all the “explaining” recommendation. The trick is, with differing processing, and pragmatic language problems, I am having to learn HOW to do that explaining. I agree it is needed, but the trick is learning to do it at a time and in a way that is effective. Slowing down and less words are essential to effective communication with an Aspie I believe. That requires NT’s to really learn how to use language efficiently, and to control speed and emotion in language as well. Areas in which, in my opinion, NT’s are generally, paradoxically, disabled. The length and structure of this very comment from an NT only confirms my assessment!

Comment by Rene — March 3, 2009 @ 8:10 pm
Thank you for helping us understand our sweet, kind daughter’s confusion and frustration in her relationships; it now seems possible to provide the help she needs for the good life she deserves.

Comment by MIKE — March 4, 2009 @ 2:23 am
Just wanted to say Vicky thanks for adding your contribution. It’s great to have someone with 1st hand experience add comments to the site – to me it’s so important. As often there is no better teacher than one who has already been through certain experiences.
Cheers
Dave

Comment by admin — March 4, 2009 @ 4:12 am
Vicky,Thank you.My 5yr old son is the most compassionate child I’ve ever seen.He will go up to a smaller child when we are out in publec or his classmates when they are “upset” or crying and gently pat them or try to hug them to console them,so all the comments on Aspies not being empathetic only served to confuse me about his diagnosis.So thanks for clearing that up for me.This article was helpful,but like the other commentor its the “how to explain”that has me stumped.IE it seems every time I take my son out to a function at school or elsewhere he is well behaved until we leave.Then he runs from me,tells me not to touch him and puts himself in danger ie running away in a parking area or down a sidewalk right next to a busy road.When I tell him he shouldn’t do that or he needs to listen he calls me names and sometimes says I hate him.I explained that I am trying to keep him safe and that if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t get upset if he ran in front of a car..I still dont think he gets it,now I know why,but that doesn’t solve our problem.
Thank you Dave for an awesome website and perhaps Matthew could give me some feedback on this issue.

Comment by Karen Cherry — March 4, 2009 @ 8:20 am
Thanks Vicki! I have a hard time convincing my son’s teachers that he really does empathize, if he looks up from what ever it is that is consuming his time long enough to see that someone is upset. He does not know what to do, so he will go to the teacher and annoy her until she does something for the upset person or, as on the bus, he will argue until the other child gets sick of him and then a fight breaks out. Everyone agrees that he is not an aggressive child, but he will not back down, no matter what. THis mind blindness info will help a great deal. I will discuss it with him today!!

Sara

Comment by Sara Galvin — March 4, 2009 @ 1:44 pm
Thank you so much for posting this. I myself have been thinking of how to explain these ideas to my 5 year old aspie daughter. Although she is too young to understand the way these concepts are worded, and some ideas will have to wait until she is old enough to comprehend them, it gives me some good basic ideas. I will be looking into acquiring the book very soon. Keep on keeping on!

Comment by Dana Hein — March 4, 2009 @ 3:07 pm
Thank you Vicky for your comments. My 17 year old Aspie has always seemed OVERLY sensitive to the emotions of others, especially me, her mother. She seems to “catch” my anxiety, depression, or fear very easily, but not so much the positive emotions. Can you explain a little more, maybe with examples, how you perceive the emotions of others? For example, when we are with her counsellor, and she is talking about one of her siblings, she can logically explain what they must be feeling, usually fairly accurately, for example, today she was able to tell her therapist how anxious her brother is about school, and how he needs to come in for counseling too. On the other hand, if we are talking about her peers,and I am trying to explain a possible reason for their behaviour, she will vehemently protest saying “oh no, it’s not like that at all” even when it’s patently obvious to everyone else. She’s all about inconsistency… some days she is driven to tears over the injustice of suffering brought about by poverty, the next day she is coldly saying that a young gang member murdered in the city deserved to die even after I explain that perhaps he turned to a gang to replace absent family supports. It’s the same with animals ( they are her obsession ) – she can drive people crazy with her non-stop talk about the wonders of the animal world, how superior it is, how delicate and necessary and in need of protection. Then she’ll refuse to feed her pets or clean their environments. She’ll cry with frustration over her peers who appear not to care about animals, then seriously consider bringing a goat to school as a prank. When I point out it might be cruel to the animal, she tells me to lighten up – it’d be fun. Comments???
Clarice in Toronto

Comment by Clarice Kloezeman Thornton — March 4, 2009 @ 8:09 pm
My 12 year old Asperger’s son certainly has “mindblindness” but when he cannot see another person’s point of view he turns very nasty using verbal abuse even though he has admitted in the past that he doesn’t mean these things when he’s saying them so is the verbal abuse a bad habit or just his way of coping with the situation or both? comments please??

Comment by Elaine Norkett — March 5, 2009 @ 8:08 am
Kia ora all
My 13 year old son is totally oblivious when he is rant mode. The difficulties we face as a family come directly from his inability to read that he is about to get pommelled by his five other siblings who can’t get a word in. Thankyou for the title that I can give this behaviour to. It is an understatement to say that the situations that his ‘mindblindness’ causes is abolutely crazy-making! He has recently become obsessed with goings on of Peter Popoff and tele-evangelist who has tons of gimmickry. My son sent away for his stuff and now he goes around the house 24/7 quoting and ranting. Not because he agrees with it, rather he is totally on to the fact that it is mostly a sham. Never-the-less it is one of the many obsessions or manifestations of mindblindness that drives us to distraction. I have recently found the only way to pacify him is by asking for a cuddle. He get verbally violent and swears at us. He can’t really see that it is disrespectful which causes much resentment and he can’t see that it is so disruptive to our family life. I was told by the RTLB that we are going to have ride this wave while he goes through puberty. EEk
Cheers to all you parents of Aspies !
We rock !

Comment by Leafa Wilson — March 5, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
My 6 year old son and I are new to the world of Aspergers. I always new something just wasn’t right, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was, or even how to address it. This has been like an awakening that gives me great hope for helping my son. I breaks my heart when he comes home from school and says that everyone hates him and doesn’t have any friends. I know I can help him!!!! Thanks so much for the article.

Comment by Dana — March 6, 2009 @ 9:58 am
I am so happy that I found your website! I feel totally alone in raising my 15 year old Aspie son, but this helps me realize that I am not alone. The answers are so helpful and I appreciate you sharing this wealth of information. I believe it will make a big difference in our lives.
Thank you,
Liz & Justin

Comment by Liz Daniels — March 6, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
In two years of excellent experiences with the info from this site, This one stands out as one of the most informative & on point articles of all. Our eight yr old is running for king of mindblindness; extremely frustrating. As always, thanks for all you do.

Comment by tom hunter — March 13, 2009 @ 7:12 am
Thank you so much Dave fo the info about mindblindness!! It’s so accurate and I will show this to my husband who doesn’t get why I’m always explaining things to our aspie over and over. Keep up the good work!

Comment by Lourdes Villwock — July 3, 2009 @ 2:32 pm
More like a question. MY grandson seems to be getting worse. he is now 17 and has run of schools to attend/ he is being home schooled by his mother, a special needs teacher herself. my question is, does this get worse as one lives on?
as a child he would come over and help me with projects, play video games. he would participate in sports (although never liked it) he now spens most of his time playing online video games in the wee hours of the day. more, his sister has gone off to college and that leaves him with no one his age to connect to, unless you consider his online opponents. i miss him terribly even though he lives next door. he is on medication. must i expect this to progress?

Comment by jack martin — September 17, 2009 @ 8:13 am