More from Matthew Readman

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Silence, stillness is all I long for. Being a highly functional ASPI, after many years working in the corporate world exposed to politics and hostile working environments, I finally found myself working as a independent consultant, working on technical/regulatory documentation from home. It is hard for the normal people to understand the pain we feel when exposed to the world. It is not that we don’t feel, it is that we feel too much. At the end, the best for all ASPIs is to be blessed with the company of unconditional love, and the right job.

Comment by qkey — April 27, 2009 @ 6:45 pm
My son is twelve and has Aspergers. Matthew, you have just described how my son feels. My heart goes out to you as it does to my son when he tells me that he hates himself and `Why can,t I have friends?’ I know how frustrating and lonely it can be for him and I will never giveup trying to find ways to help my son have a happy and fulfilling life which I am sure is exactly what your family wants for you Matthew. Best wishes.

Comment by Ilonka Torok — April 27, 2009 @ 7:25 pm
Matthew, congratulations on your new position sir! I’m a fan of your writing and the way you animate Asperger’s so accurately. And regarding your “own world” preference, I must agree. You remind me of a poem I wrote called “My Mental Girlfriend” which is “Imagination.”

It is a pleasure being represented in your expression.

So Write On!

Comment by Jwyan C. Johnson — April 27, 2009 @ 7:53 pm
matthew,your letter has brought me to tears.my son is 9. his name s jason. he srtuggles quite a bit with society i a whole. i’m so proud of him & so glad god has chose to put him. with me. he does know alot of people, but really doesn’thave many friends.i truly appriciate the time i get to spend with him.i just hope it is enough to let him feel a if he has a true friend in life. & a mattew i want to tell you that there are people how love ypu for just being you thank you so much for your letter & maybe one day jason might be able to process his feelings like you have

Comment by jody loomis — April 27, 2009 @ 9:04 pm
I was never diagnosed with aspbergers syndrome both my kids are on the spectrum one is pdd-nos and other is HFA through their diagnoses I have come to realize I am probably also on the spectrum, an article like this hits home for me –reminds me of how i felt growing up but didnt know why.

Comment by erica — April 27, 2009 @ 10:48 pm
Oh, my gosh, is this how my son really feels? Thank you for allowing me to see inside his head. I will always be greatful for this insight.

Comment by sheryl — April 27, 2009 @ 11:51 pm
Thank you Matthew. I am a mother of a 16 year old young man with aspergers and he is just like that. I think he is a wonderful person and would love to see him going out more and being more involved socially, but he feels so rejected at school so shuts himself away on the computer when he gets home. However, we are starting to see little changes in him and he is talking more with us. He has just been on a school trip to Japan where he went to a homestay. The Japanese family loved him and made him feel very, very special. He has brought some beautiful memories home. We think he was so brave actually going on the trip. I think we will be holding onto that experience for a long time. Best wishes to you and thank you for your sharing.

Comment by josie — April 28, 2009 @ 1:00 am
Dear Matthew,
wow, what a lovely little insight to how you feel, my son is 12 and i am still not sure if he is aspergers or has ASD, my son does have a few friends he goes out to play with but when they are not free he has to go on computer or watch Top Gear, his 2 favourite obssessions, he is truely happy in his little world, like you describe, and does get very frustrated when he has to come back to the real world, he is slowly changing his ways to be more relaxed, as he gets older, a big thank you for letting us all share your thoughts, something my son could never put into words….

Comment by sonia midgley — April 28, 2009 @ 5:12 am
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…

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Trackback by Anonymous — April 28, 2009 @ 5:19 am
Dear Matthew,
Thank you so much for your insights.
I find that the more we parents understand our kids the better we can help them cope with their world. I am sharing what you wrote with my 15 y/o son who sometimes comes out of his room to go to his church youth group on the weekends and their Friday night game night.
Wow what a blessing the leaders of this group have been for helping draw my son out of his cocoon. My son is a wonderful kid, as I know most parents think their kids are…I think it is important to let kids know that you believe in them.
God Bless!
Cecily Murdock

Comment by Cecily — April 28, 2009 @ 5:40 am
I am yet another Mum suffering the pain of too much tenderness for her beautiful son, now 16 years old, and watching his brother be accepted easily into the world which rejects him. He closets himself in his room with his games and dvd’s and escapes into fantasy where he has total control. If only people weren’t so blinded by difference and could be bothered to look for the pearl in the clam shell.

Comment by Mia — April 28, 2009 @ 8:03 am
This article was really touching— I so get it.
I am a parent (and a teacher) with a 13 year old who is not identified with aspergers, yet she is identified (was narrowed down anyway by our genetisist, with having congenital hypotonia. There are so many similarities to these two disorders. I really think Katie must fit into this category, too. Katie will go into her room and have many imaginary conversations with herself simulating friendships that are like, your safe games. On another note, I don’t know if she really socially knows whether kids bully her at her school( I think they probably do, yet Katie doesn’t seem to notice or share…)

Thanks for sharing your touching story.

Comment by deana — April 28, 2009 @ 11:25 am
Dear Mathew
Reading your letter made me cry. My 10 year old Aspi daughter is always telling me that I don’t understand her, but you have given me insight into her way of thinking. I do hope you will write more articles. You are straight forward and able to express yourself so clearly. Thank you.

Comment by Lorna — April 28, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
Dear Mathhhew
thank you. my son James has aspergers he is 15, he too feels the same
he has a sister who has friends and he asks why cant he make friends.
he too sits in his room on his computer for hours. he feels angry i know
he does but i tell him you are not a lone others feel the same.
god bless. maxine mldoon

Comment by maxine muldoon — April 28, 2009 @ 5:57 pm
Hi Matthew! I think it’s great that you are able to express yourself so well! Maybe through your writing you can help teach others to be more tolerant & accepting. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to see that others come to accept & celebrate the differences in people as well as similarities. You have an understanding far beyond your age!

I am a 47 year old female who has many symptoms of Aspergers. After doing tons of research, it is really the only thing that makes sense although getting a diagnosis at my age is just about as difficult as making the sun rise in the west! I learned of it after my oldest daughter was diagnosed. I also prefer to live in my own little world where I also have total control over my environment, & have since I can remember. I dislike conflict, discord, & misunderstandings with others. All too often, I find myself embroiled in the middle of a misunderstanding, which almost always escalates into an argument. This has been a constant unwanted problem since I was a young child. When I graduated from high school, I thought things would be different. However, bullying & hostility are still a big part of my life, even at work or in recreation. It’s very much the same with my two children. All I wanted was for my kids & anyone who is considered “quirky or odd” to have an easier time in life than I have experienced.

Comment by mlo — April 28, 2009 @ 6:03 pm
Dear Matthew, it was so interesting to read your insights. Thank you. My son is now 21yo, it took him a long time figure out the whole “friend” thing but I’d like you know he now has several close friends and is completing a part time course in videogame design (his passion) he still must have his “alone time” and struggles from time to time with being an Aspie but is much more accepting now (he even has an Aspie girlfriend) and is generally happy with the direction his life is taking at present, I am very proud of him and I know he still values my support. Regards,
Kerry Hehir

Comment by Kerry Hehir — April 28, 2009 @ 10:41 pm
you got down to a tea my 11 yr old is the same.mat thank you for sharing.friends are hard to hold on to for my son.your insight and knowledge help me understand him better.good luck thanks

Comment by annette — April 28, 2009 @ 11:45 pm
i am 38 and was diaganosed about 3 years ago i have always found comfort more in retreating to my innerself more and i spend most of the time when i spend at home on my pc i also watch films with meanings or what i think have meanings of ways to see how lives can be i have often thought of these things i do are of a therapy i thought this before being diagnosed and since then i have found it more of a comfort that other people with aspergers are the same

Comment by amandalouise — April 29, 2009 @ 10:56 am
Dear Matthew, I have just shown my ten year old aspie son your wonderfully descriptive blog and he beamed from ear to ear and said “yep thats just how I feel” so thank you very much for helping me to understand his feelings by telling us yours. I look forward to your future writings.

Comment by Ms J L Patterson — April 29, 2009 @ 12:25 pm
Wow that brought me to tears. My son just turned 13 and his dad (my ex) is 32. If that does not hit it on the head – I don’t know that anyone could have said it any better.

Comment by Julie — April 29, 2009 @ 2:07 pm
Matthew,
You help me so much with this article and I thank you. My daughter loves the television and it makes her happy, now I know why. I will make sure that she too gets the same benefits as her older brother and does not feel left out even though she does not express it.

Comment by Rebecca — April 29, 2009 @ 6:23 pm
Quite interesting because everything else describes my son who is 11 years old apart from he reckons he has friends. I mean he believes this but reality is they will play with him when he seeks them out! yes, but when you overhear the dialogue that takes place sometimes I feel like asking the other kids to leave him alone because he is in his on world and the other kids then tend to make fun of him and he doesn’t even realise! Now, that hurts – me! but so far I’ve resisted getting involved. The other thing is that he is much better with 7year olds, he seems to relate a little bit better with younger kids than him. With his own agemates he’d only connect when it’s about playing the “computer game” that’s destroyed our lives!!

Comment by Maureen — April 29, 2009 @ 6:43 pm
hello maureen i can relate to your son as i mentioned in note 12 above im 38 and my mum often gets sad that i wasnt diagnosed earlier i my self connected to younger people than i was and felt not so comfotrtable with same age as my self i did get picked on but please say to your son that he is special and the others are just ignorant and dont have the understanding of life as he does he is truly a great person as all of each of us that are aspies are unique in our own way and those that pick should be educated about aspergers and if they still make fun well more fools are they

Comment by amandalouise — April 29, 2009 @ 7:23 pm
Just read your article and it is exactly what my son feels. He also gets “lost” in his world with the computer and we appreciate your expressing yourself as you did. We are working with him to be more social but it is not easy as his peers don’t understand him. He also is a wonderful person and we love him dearly. Thanks for your input.

Comment by Lucy — April 30, 2009 @ 6:01 am
My son is on 3 and half and has aspergers and im still coming to terms with this. reading this makes me feel sad for my son but i feel reasured that all the help we need is out there

Comment by sarah — April 30, 2009 @ 8:52 am
Thanks for your insights, Matthew.And thanks for posting it, Dave.
I don’t know whether to show the article to my 15 year old Aspie boy. It will help him understand there are others who feel the way he does, but he is quite manipulative and may try to use it against me (i.e. ” see Mom, I shouldn’t have to stop playing my computer games, because I need my own world”.
Any suggestions?

Comment by Julie Queensen — April 30, 2009 @ 9:17 am
Oh Matthew – this is so typical of how my almost 18 year old daughter lives – except for one big thing: she does NOT prefer to be in her own world. She WANTS to be with friends, she WANTS to have fun like other teenagers, and she WANTS to feel wanted. She simply cannot bear the thought that her online and game “friends” are her only friends, and she is becoming increasingly despondent. How do you cope with the pain? How do you manage to go to school, or work or deal with life outside the computer? Her pain and sorrow are so great that she is giving up on school with only 6 weeks to go. Her peers are all graduating and she will be left at the school without the comfort of people she knows and calls friends. No one ever calls her, invites her anywhere, or includes her in any of their activities, even though she desperately wants to. She is stunningly beautiful, yet she has no one to go to the prom with. She doesn’t have the courage to approach anyone, join anything, or even phone the few people she knows. She is so unhappy – how do you get past this pain and find a way to enjoy life? She says she is a social person trapped in an Aspie mind.

Comment by Clarice Kloezeman Thornton — April 30, 2009 @ 7:27 pm
matthew-
your article was so inspiring, my son sam is 7, diagnosed w/asp 3 years ago. He so wants to make friends and have a “real party” and play w/the neighborhood kids, but I watch his 5 year old brother play w/them, and sam just doesn’t seem to get any of the games, or when someone is teasing him or telling him to do something, he does it, and it makes me feel sad that he doesn’t understan they are teasing him(even if it is just for fun) he doesn’t get it-so he goes in his room, his “safe place” and either watches his favorite tv show, or plays his nintendo game . the same game all the time, pokemon, which he can control and use his own rules. I always try to get him to play with me, but he says he wants to be by himself, which i know is not the cse, and he would love to go to a friend’s house. it’s nice to get an inside view for when he gets older, since pretty much of what your talking about is probably how he feels now.
keep up the good work. i look forward to reading your articles…..thank you from all the parents with young kids with aspi, or any other type on the spectrum, for making us so aware of things that books can’t help you with.

Comment by Jennifer — May 2, 2009 @ 3:41 pm
great writing.I love your writing nut cnat afford to join the site yet. I hope David will be able to post your insights on this section again. You make my son’s feelings come into works. Its like a mirror. thanks.
Caroline

Comment by caroline dawson — May 3, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
Caroline, we are in the same boat as you…..Not being able to afford to join the site. I hope also that Dave will not cut off all communications from Matthew by only posting them on the site. Reading about his thoughts really gives me hope for the future of my son.

Comment by Kelli Martin — May 7, 2009 @ 8:02 am
It doesn’t give me any hope at all, how does a parent support a child who feels this way yet gets no comfort from speaking or being with them. Reading this piece made me feel overwhelmingly sad. Any ideas from anyone on how to help in these situations? What does someone with Asbergers want from a parent when they are feeling this way? (Mum to 12 year old who currently locks himself away as he finds all social relationships difficult)

Comment by Rachel — May 8, 2009 @ 4:25 am
I to feel like Rachel. My son is 17 years old, we were told Dec 07′ that he has AS. He has such anxiety that he went from a straight A student to F’s. He is no longer in school, he started to school on-line, but he has become so consumed with his love for computer programming that he cannot concentrate on anything else. He is taking Atterall that is suppose to help him to concentrate. He now will not leave his room, only to get something to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. At one point he was obsessively clean, every hair on his head had to be combed perfectly. He now has turned the other direction and I have to beg him to take a bath, the body odor is horrible. He does not get any exercise, does not go outside of his room, has eating issues, and goes from happy to sad in just a matter of seconds. But on the other hand as Matthew said, he is perfectly happy if you do not bother him. If you leave him in his room to his computer and his programming. If you talk about computers and make everything about computers things are mostly ok, except for him being totally confined to his room. I fear for his health! We are selling our home and moving, he tells us we are ruining his life, that we have given him nothing, and that he hates us. I have not been able to hug him since he was about seven years old, as each year goes by things just get worse and worse! He is very angry, and very hurtful with the way he speaks to me. I have tried everything that I can think of to help him to be happy. He has no friends, no one to talk to but my husband and I, He has gone to the therapist but is not willing to talk much with him so it’s difficult to work with him. Some days he’s fine, but most days he’s not. His clock is way messed up some days he is up all night, some days he is up all day. I just cannot continue to live life this way, the guilt of not being able to give him whatever it is that he needs is killing me.
Matthew, I do not know if you could write him and see if you could help me to help him. That might be asking too much!!! I just do not know where to turn. Maybe it’s I who needs to understand, I just can’t seem to get anywhere!

Comment by Tammy Harris — May 21, 2009 @ 11:47 pm
Sorry for Rachel’s despair, but it really is not justified. It’s tough being an aspie, but I wouldn’t be any other way.

The biggest advantage is that being an outsider gives the chance, not necessarily taken it’s true, to understand the world as it is. You have to be outside the latrine to smell it. The poor, the hungry and thirsty, the sick, and the imprisoned see it as it is, as Jesus made clear (Matthew 25). The “War on Terror” is known for what it is by those tortured at Bagram and bombed with white phosphorus in their villages, not by those doing these things and those who support them. The Jews knew what Nazism was better than anyone else. The zeks in the camps alone really understood Stalin. Disabled kids and their parents know best how the educational bureaucracy works. It’s a severe mercy, but real, for aspies to be confronted by such reality, and the first duty of parents is not to join the world in tormenting them into taking the blue pill.

There’s plenty of comfort for aspies when their parents or anyone else listens, talks truth, and strictly withholds the mushroom food the rest of the world serves. I didn’t get much of that growing up, but I’m grateful for the little I did get. It’s clean water in a foul desert.

Comment by Peter Attwood — May 23, 2009 @ 5:46 pm