My husband cannot cope with our son’s Aspergers diagnosis

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1. My father (whose Asperger’s is fairly obvious to anyone who spends 5 minutes with him) publicly proclaimed all psychology to be a crock of horse sh!t until I told him about Asperger’s. His mother had been in and out of institutions and on and off medications and none of the above had done a thing for her, because she was really Asperger’s but misdiagnosed with far worse things for years. I myself found out about Asperger’s because I read some websites about Asperger’s, one of which had a list of different things it could be misdiagnosed as; and some which had web forums, where older people who discovered they had Asperger’s later in life wrote in and discussed being misdiagnosed with different things before Asperger’s Syndrome was accepted as a diagnosis by the American Psychological Association (I am from the USA). As for the father who can’t cope with the idea that his children might have Asperger’s, tell him it would be even harder to cope with the idea that one of the common misdiagnoses they could have gotten might have them taking medications they do not need for hallucinations they do not have.

   Comment by Laura — October 13, 2009 @ 12:37 pm

2. Some people have had far worse diagnoses than that of autism spectrum disorders( wrongly dignosed )
   The nz writer Janet Frame may have had high functioning autism rather than schizophrenia that she was wrongly diagnosed with and suffered many years in mental institutions,narrowly escaping a frontal lobotomy,when her first book was published and they thought it wrong to destroy a “genius ” brain.
   She is since deceased,but from her own writings and that of the medical professional community in Nz and Australia,it is thought that autism to be the correct diagnosis.I tend to agree and im sure if she were alive today she would be relieved with that “label “. Dr temple Grandin says not to get caught up with diagnostic labels.labels are a means to an end or provide helpful ways in which we can cope with our different way of being.Autism is seen as an inferior condition yet it is superior to mental health illnesses and is different from one.
   Hans Asperger said just because something isnt condsidered to be normal doesnt make it inferior.
   i have suffered many years and am still as a 39 year old waiting a “diagnosis ‘,we need empathy and patience and support ,regardless of any names given for how we are .we are still a person.as Shakespeare once said “what’s in a name ,a rose by any other name would smell as sweet .’A name for the condition wont change what it is,but help in managing it .the actual condition wont change by non acceptance of it .the important thing is to accept the person and be willing to help them live in this uncertain and sometimes scary world of indifference.

   Comment by Janet Frame — October 13, 2009 @ 7:00 pm

3. Hi!
   Never delay to send your children for diagnosis if you feel something not right or strange in their development/behaviours. I have delayed a year long to send my son for an autism assessment and having hard time to correct him as the earlier the better to get an intervention program to start. The weekly occupational therapy is helping me to train my son to pick up basic skills much better. After 5 sessions of therapy, he can hold a pencil or crayon to do coloring by himself now.

   You can try this website to do own assessment on your children’s current standing/ongoing progress. I am doing my own assessment every 2 months for my son.

   http://www.autism.com/ari/atec/atec-online.htm

   Hope above helps. Good day!

   Comment by Jaclyn — October 13, 2009 @ 7:36 pm

4. We felt a sense of relief when our son was diagnosed and read and continue to read as much as possible to help us understand him better. Yes it is hard to accept your child is a little different but you bought them into the world and you are there only advocate. It is often difficult to live with a child with AS but when all is said and done your child has to live with having the diagnosis which would be harder, especially if their own parents cannot give the support they need.

   Comment by Sandra — October 13, 2009 @ 11:55 pm

5. Keep on trying – it has taken me 8 years to get my husband to acknowledge, if not accept, the extent of our son’s diagnosis. Unfortunately this has really impacted our family, not always for the better, but eventually we reached a point where it was no longer possioble for him to ignore what our son has to live with every day. We still fight, we still ignore issues and we still go to war over whether or not J’s behaviour is Aspie or just being a brat. It breaks my heart that it always seems to be the brat option, but slowly we are starting to get to a point where there is recognition that J’s response is not always optional. Hang in there, ride it through and make sure that you point out the difference in the quality of life of children who are accepted for who they are and not what we expect them to be.

   Comment by Joanne Millan — October 14, 2009 @ 2:13 am

6. Maybe he doesnt “get it” because he is the Aspie.
   My hubby is Aspie but it wasnt until we had son number one diagnosed that he was willing to be tested. Also, some guys think they have to “man up” their sons so they wont be “girly men” when they are grown. Counseling will help, although I am the one that is doing that, but right now I am the one that is trying to work around two Aspies and three ADHD’s. Even if you can just find someone to whom you can vent, at least that will give you a chance to sort out and re-evalute situations. Also, remember you cant control any of them, but for hubby you can be the best example on handling situations and for the kids, you can be their best teacher.

   Comment by maureen — October 14, 2009 @ 10:38 am

7. I think most parents go through what I describe as a grieving process on diagnosis that your child has AS. I still now have times when it all floods back now and again during the bad times. Its almost like yr grieving for the purfect child you dreamed off when your baby was growing inside you. The reality hits and your grieving the loss of that child and waking up to the reality of the ‘broken’ child. It ddoes get easier but untill you both work as a team. The child is unable to be understood and can be terrified. The child knows they are different. So connunication all round is the answer. Be honest with your feelings.

   Comment by c dawsin — October 15, 2009 @ 8:38 am

8. I had 10 years caring for a child with AS. My stepdaughter’s father is AS and extremely religeous. The behaviour of both child and father was extreme. I learned a great deal about personal relationships …. the hard way. No coordinated respite care was available between organisations, it felt like we were the only people in the world like this. We developed our own coping strategies. Ours is not a success story but one of survival. The father and daughter eventually lived together. We are now providing the very thing we needed -respite careand intervention for AS people- and hope eventually to provide care for the whole family because we see very little evidence of concerted efforts BETWEEN organisations working with AS. I guess it would be better to say it is not easy found because the profile is too low.

   Really I am not much help to you, but my heart is with you, your husband is going through a grieving process and maybe unaware of it, denial is up there high on the list. He needs to speak to someone he believes may provide answers that enable him to decide how he copes. Finding that real person is a needle in an haystack. BUT First of all take good care of yourself do what I did read, study, observe develop your means to cope only then you can turn to your husband to help him. You have to have inner strength to keep this in control. So find an organisation which provides first support that YOU need personally. I know you can do it.

   Comment by David Walkden — October 15, 2009 @ 11:46 pm

9. Hi my son was recently dignosed as aspergers.He is 5 and we have known for a year he is on the spectrum.I find it so hard that my husband has never read one article or even picked up a book I dont know if it is because he is indenial or is just becaues he couldint be bothered.I am finding myself becoming very angery After all we are talking about our sons futhure.

   Comment by emma — October 16, 2009 @ 6:30 am

10. Wow-I am relieved to see that I am not the only one with the “Dad in Denial” thing going on. We have an officially diagnosed 10 yr old Aspie, however, I seem to be the only one doing the research, trying to implement rules/schedules, and all other aspects of Aspie parenting. I have tried to encourage him to read up and given examples of how to approach various issues, and he may try it for a time, then resorts back to his old ways. Alot of our son’s behavior he believes is just him being a brat. I find myself very resentful of my husband as I am feeling I always have to be the mediator between them.

    Comment by Angellina — October 16, 2009 @ 1:00 pm

11. Not sure where to start. My husband grieves every day, I think, for our son’s AS. My husband and our son are very much alike.And very different as well. They are both kind of loners, not interested in athletics at all. My husband loves to read and always has a book
    going. Sam,is happy with MAD magazine, much to his father’s chagrin. Dinners sometimes end up with lectures about what Sam is not doing right…I don’t like to undermine my husband’s authority, so I keep quiet, but sometimes I am burning up inside for my son. And sometimes Sam explodes. Our 12 year old daughter gets bossy with Sam, and I tell her she is not the authority figure, dad and I are…but old habits die hard. Sometimes I just yearn for “normalness” but I know this IS our normal. I take lots of deep breaths and hope for the best.
    Mostly, Sam is a sweet kid that just about everyone likes, he just has these “issues” and is now a teenager, and that just stirs the pot a bit. I just hope and pray that as he grows in to high school age, his friends don’t outgrown him. He has a handful of good friends, and that is a blessing.

    Comment by Sue Orr — October 20, 2009 @ 10:50 am

12. This comment is for Sue Orr…Wow! this sounds like my life except our son is 22 now. I can relate to your anger and frustration about your husband’s reaction. Anger can be a good thing if it’s dealt with in a positive way…it gives us a “heads up” that something needs to be addressed. It’s possible that your husband has some aspects of AS, too, as quite often when a son has AS the father can have it to a lesser degree (according to Tony Attwood in “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” ). It helped me a lot in understanding my husband and accepting him for who he is when I realized he, too, has AS. It helped him a lot, too. I have dealt with and let go of the anger and resentment and forgiven him…I talked with a Christian counselor/friend who gave me the tools to stop enabling my husband and take care of myself…it’s important to be healthy yourself. I also went through a “Celebrate Recovery” program (out of Saddleback Church…just google it to get details…the programs are all over the world). We also have an older daughter (it can be difficult when having a sibling with AS). I like to look at AS as a “gift”….helps me to accept it and be more positive. Life’s difficulties can grow us into stronger people…don’t ever give up hoping and praying for your son and his future…take care:)

    Comment by Valerie McLean — October 28, 2009 @ 5:09 pm

13. message for sue orr. I CANT BELIVE SOMEONE ELSE IS LIVING THE SAME LIFE AS ME.I WAS STARTING TO THINK IT WAS ALL DOWN TO ME.I HAVE AN OLDER CHILD 10 CONSTANLY TAKING OVER AND FATHER WHOS OBLIVIOUS TO WHATS REALLY GOING ON AND THINKS ITS FUNNY WHEN I TAKE DEEP BREATHS OR SIGH HEVENLY TO RELIVE STRESS.WHEN I CONFRONT HIM HE HAS NOTHING EVER TO SAY ABOUT OUR SITUATION.I TO AGREE WITH U ABOUT NOT UNDER MINDING MY HUSBAND IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.THIS IS GETTING INCREASBLY DIFFICULT AS HE HAS NO IDEA ON HOW TO AVOID CONFRONTATION WITH MY AS CHILD .I WISH U AND YOUR FAMILY WELL OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

    Comment by emma — December 8, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

14. Hi all, here every one is sharing these know-how, thus it’s good to read
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    Comment by Leopoldo — August 25, 2014 @ 11:45 am

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