An A-ha Moment
Christmas is definitely a-coming and so today I’ve got another Christmas Tale to share with your from the world of Asperger’s. And to be perfectly honest with you it’s not a pretty one…
A mom (let’s call her Sharon) wrote and told me that for 4 years running Christmas has always ended in yelling and screaming meltdowns for her son with Asperger’s.
She said that…”On one particularly memorable occasion he would not even open his presents once we finally gave them to him. Instead, he crawled under the dining room table.”
Now when you experience this kind of distressing situation as a parent, on Christmas day of all days, it makes you feel REALLY bad.
In fact Sharon even said to me…
“Looking back at this seems like child abuse. How could I, his mother who loves him and “understands” him more than anyone have missed this? I felt so guilty and horrible for ruining his Christmas for the last 4 years.”
…Talk about painful emotions that you just don’t want to be feeling…
Luckily Sharon is a pretty smart mom and has figured out a way to give her son and the whole family a joyful Christmas once again…
Sharon realized that doing things the ADULT way was totally unfair for her 9 year old with Asperger’s. You know, the ADULT way of coming into the home, welcoming everyone, having hor d’oerves and maybe some Christmas Cheer…
Then… exchanging stories and catching up with friends and relatives you have not seen in a year…
Then… all sitting down at the table to eat…
Then… sitting at the table and digesting, drinking coffee, and…
Then… maybe FINALLY moving into the room where the tree is with all the wrapped presents.
Sharon realized this was just simply TOO MUCH waiting around for her son – causing him untold anxiety and distress. Which were directly responsible for the tantrums and meltdowns that would just ruin Christmas for everyone.
(Think back to when you were a kid – did you really enjoy even a two minute wait before getting stuck into your presents on the big day?)
So this year Sharon will be changing things around and her son will get to open his presents a LOT quicker. And the adult merriment will take place afterwards. Because as Sharon herself said – “this will keep him occupied and HAPPY; which in turn will let me enjoy the grown up time just a little bit more!”
Sharon’s even going to send out cute, handwritten letters to her family, explaining to them how they need to “re-arrange” things this year so her son can enjoy the time as much as everyone else.
And as Sharon quite rightly concludes: “If you think about it, shouldn’t we all be doing it this way anyway? I mean, my son has waited all year for the presents and Santa, why make him WAIT another 2 hours while the grown-ups have their fun?”
I agree whole-heartedly with Sharon and there’s still plenty of time for you to save your family Christmas this year too. This is just one of over 84 different strategies designed to give you, and your child with Asperger’s, a peaceful and harmonious Christmas this year. Click the blue link now for more details => http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/Christmas.cfm
Season’s greetings,
Dave Angel
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Isn’t funny how those A-ha moments work? As parents know to expect the behaviors in these “home/life” settings, but if we just take a few minutes to step back and work as we might, say, to help a “school behavior” and apply what we know it becomes so clear. Thank you for putting your experience and solution into words so that others may benefit from them and that all may have a happy holiday!
Comment by Anne Dunlevie — December 4, 2012 @ 12:16 pm
This is great advice, we all get caught up in the ‘moment’ of Christmas and strive for the perfect event, yet we need to really figure out how to juggel the act and allow the child/person with Asperger’s to enjoy/understand Christmas as well. An Aspie needs to know he/she has a family who can and will be tolerant and understanding, just as we are trying to teach this to the Aspie. I know I will be simplifying my holiday’s this year.
Comment by Sue — December 4, 2012 @ 12:22 pm
Sharon I have a 23 year old daughter that graduated University this year Magna cum laude and is currently in Graduate school. She was diagnosed at age 6 with Asperger’s. we spent years of her hating birthday parties and Hanukkah. She would either leave the room full of partygoers and refuse to open gifts or just say she was going to bed and disappear. You are doing the right thing to take the lead from your son. We impose on our children a view of how life “should” be but the reality is that is “needs” to babe different so that they can enjoy celebrations in their own way. This year our daughter actually allowed us to sing on her birthday and hugged and kissed all of us. Change can come over time. Never stop loving or trying with your child.
Sherri
Comment by Sherri — December 4, 2012 @ 1:42 pm
I firstly would like to send my warm wishes to Sharon for the upcoming big day. I can relate to her on so many levels.
You hear from all around you how Christmas is such a happy time, but until you experience it with a child that has a Autistic condition, you never truly understand how stressful it can be. To be honest you think that all children love Christmas, but for my son this is the most difficult time of year as he not only has to contend with Christmas, his Birthday also falls two days before.
As a family we have had some of the worst times of our lives around this time of year with most of his school exclusions due to complete melt downs and although it has got better as he has grown older (but still says he hates it at nearly 16) I find myself very panicky, I have started my yearly re-conformation of his needs to school, reminding them how difficult he finds it around now more than any other time. I have re-adjusted my daily routine so I can be there if they need me ASAP , and fingers crossed he will get through to the end of term without anything major.
Anyway I would like to wish all your followers and you Dave a merry Christmas. And would like to thank you for your inspiration and helping me feel I am not alone.
Bec x
Comment by Bec — December 4, 2012 @ 3:30 pm
I always tell my 7 year old with aspergers exactly what is in all the presents, including his. He hates to be surprised so it completely eliminates melt downs. Family members comment that it ruins the surprise and I say, but he hates surprises — the surprise actually ruins the gifts for him. Everyone now accepts this and can choose whether or not to be surprised.
Comment by Patricia — December 4, 2012 @ 4:26 pm
An interesting read for me, my son is nearly nine and finds Christmas really difficult too. This evening he burst into tears and when i asked him what was wrong he replied that his head was full of all the things he wants and so he is bad and a spoilt brat! this took me by surprise and i tried my best to console him but i no the Christmas build up has truly begun. I can’t decide whether to put the tree up yet as he wants or leave it a bit longer so that Christmas does not seem such a long wait, any thoughts on that anyone? Trish
Comment by Trish Brice — December 4, 2012 @ 5:23 pm
I have a 4 year old son who loves Santa, loves Christmas trees and decorations and gets very excited, but Christmas day he does not want to open presents and wants to be left alone. He will not join the family at the table for lunch and that is usually when he has another meltdown, he seems to scream and have a lot of meltdowns so obviously it is all overwhelming for him. I need to change some things this year and every year so my little man can enjoy Christmas too. If anyone has any ideas on how I can make my son’s Christmas magical this year and for the rest of the family I am all ears.
Comment by Jacquelyn Schultz — December 4, 2012 @ 5:26 pm
Great Strategy!!!! I can remember the bordem and frustration as achild having to wait…… for Xmas, Day,presents etc always something else needed to be done for or by the ADULTS when Xmas is ALL about the children.
I’ve been saying for years that we need to do presents first then enjoy the festivities instead of everyone telling the unhappy children to stop asking for presents and to WAIT……
This year I will be implementing this for the WHOLE family.
My son is now 12, however he still loves Xmas and my new niece and nephew definately will benefit from this change( they are 2 & 31/2).
Thanks and Happy Christmas to All
Comment by Roslyn Vecellio — December 4, 2012 @ 5:29 pm
I think that’s a good ideal. I don’t celebrate christmas, but I can do it when we have family day.
Comment by Tonya Cooper — December 4, 2012 @ 6:16 pm
MY GREAT GRAND SON DOES THE SAME THING THAT SHARON SON DID , THE ONLY WAY I CAN STOP HIM IS TO PUT MY ARM AROUND HIM AND TELL HIM ITS OK. HES BEING IN SCHOOL , WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
Comment by WILLIE PUTMAN — December 4, 2012 @ 8:14 pm
Since we do not have a lot of family to visit helps. I never put any presents out until the kids go to bed Christmas Eve. Then we get to open the stockens before having breakfast while staying in Pj’s till noon. The kids then get to have a very lazy fun Christmas day. My 10 year old Asperger’s child is excited but happy with just us. The next day is visit day with their new toys. We also try and stay away from the stores as much as possible to help keep the stimulation down.
Comment by Rebeckah Robar — December 5, 2012 @ 8:00 am
I too used to dread Christmas day until I figured out that my son doesn’t like surprises, we all know our little guys don’t cope with change and not knowing what he was going to get was driving him (and us) to meltdown city. So now I take him shopping, he chooses what he wants for Christmas (it’s usually clothes) and then I wrap them and put his presents under the tree. He still gets wrapped presents that are a surprise (little stocking fillers) but as he knows what his big presents are he is happy. He is getting what he wants and we get a happy Christmas day!
Comment by Julie — December 5, 2012 @ 1:41 pm
Christmas with the relatives was really stressful. (For awhile they lived downstairs, and still did not understand). Anyway, We had a pocket Advent calendar which I filled with a clue to finding some small gift…sort of like an Easter egg hunt. This replaced the Christmas stocking and a pile of gifts. Our daughter usually was stressed out after a day at school so we made this a treat and mommy and me time. Sometimes the gift was only something to encourage or inspire…memory making moments. She loved it so much. A good final gift at Christmas was a puzzle or something that would calm her and absorb her attention. The grandparents love jigsaw puzzles and this is something they can do together without conflict occuring.
Comment by Ruth MacLeod — December 5, 2012 @ 5:05 pm