Supporting your child to make friends
When a child without Aspergers syndrome makes friends, parents are not often involved in the choice of the friend or the facilitation of the friendship. In Aspergers syndrome children, however, the parent or parents may need to be an active participant in helping the child make and keep solid friends.
Part of the process involves concretely teaching the child how a normal friend should act. Teaching them politeness, restraint, in some situations, and how to talk and establish good eye contact with others will help the child learn skills that aren’t innate to their development.
Finding a child to be your child’s friend in the school situation often takes careful planning and effort. It genuinely helps if you volunteer in the classroom and get to know the children well. If you can find a receptive, relatively quiet child who would make a good friend for your child, ask the child’s parents if the two could play together. Rowdy or noisy children may be a source of distress to the Aspergers syndrome child.
If your child is one of the many who have specific interests or musical ability, make the effort to link the child up through groups or clubs of children with similar interests. Often, having a similar interest as another child will help facilitate a relationship between the two. Even if your child doesn’t have a special interest, consider something structured such as the boy scouts or a church group from which friends can be found and maintained through regular contact.
It’s probably not a good idea to invite a bunch of kids over for a sleepover. Rather, one child playing with your child at a time has the best chance of success. If the other child seems to have some maturity, explaining the condition of Aspergers syndrome to the child may help avoid the frustration some children feel around Aspergers children.
Not in every case will your child be receptive to a friendship and he or she may prefer to play alone. In that case, wait until you see signs of receptiveness before attempting to facilitate a friendship.
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good information,just wondering how you deal with a female teen besides run for the hills, when they are hell bent on asserting their own rights and tastes how ever far out…and they are getting involved with the wrong crowd and boys…how do you get involved there when they think your enemy number 1 and theres no such thing as their own good! it s easier only just !!
thanks for all your usefull info thus far
Comment by helen hanson — March 4, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Our 16 yr old Asperger’s daughter has no friends and doesn’t seem interested in making any. However, our son, whom she relied upon for some companionship, has recently moved to the city for study and I’m sure she’s missing him. It’s very difficult in a small rural community to find sources of friends for our daughter. She’s not interested in competitive sport and had to give up school because it was too noisy and invasive for her. Her interests are also too intellectual for her peers. It’s a tough one.
Comment by Christine Grayden — March 4, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
WE put our son age 8 in Scout this year. It was the best thing we ever did for him. He has had a lot of fun. We tried sports it was too much for him too much yelling. We did explain to the leaders some of his issues, meltdown anxiety and anger issues too. They are great with him. Dad always goes to the meetings too.
He’s been to a few birthday parties too. he was in the pinewood Durby race , Went to the Monster truck show.
This is his only social time. That’s enough
Comment by D DuBois — March 4, 2008 @ 11:52 pm
Our 18-year-old son has been a member of our church’s youth group, school band, and 4-H club for eight to nine years. Youth group has been a possitive experience over the years. School band went well in fifth through eighth grades when there were just 40-50 members. In nineth grade, all four grades were combined so the size of the group quadrupled. For three years, we struggled to help him participate and meet performance expectations. However, the friends he developed were a year older and graduated last spring, so he decided to drop band and take more art and computer classes his senior year. 4-H has provided the most positive experiences for our son. In fourth grade, he and I visited two different club meetings after I interviewed four different club leaders. We selected the one that had about a dozen members with similar interests (aerospace & rabbits) verses ones that had 24-30 members. He is completing his third year on the 4-H County Council. The 30 member group of tenth through twelfth graders meet with the county youth director monthly to help plan the county fair and other fun and community service activities. He has also held most local club officer positions with this year serving as president. His two hardest offices to fulfill were club news reporter and club secretary as they required him to really stretch his written language skills, which are extremely difficult for him. I agree with the author of this blog - “In Aspergers syndrome children, however, the parent or parents may need to be an active participant in helping the child make and keep solid friends.”
Comment by Deb Shelton — March 5, 2008 @ 1:05 am
I have an 11 year old daughter who it too outgoing with strangers - she will talk to anybody and seems to get on well with them. Its the family who battle to communicate with her - she is not interested in the people who are closest to her. I’d love to hear from other parents who may be experiencing the same thing or have some suggestions. Regards Karen - South Africa
Comment by Karen Hastie — March 5, 2008 @ 4:05 am
We put our daughter into Guides and she is thriving. The activities are reasonably structured, the leaders are very involved and she has even found a friend, who is admittedly a couple of years younger. Overall a great experience.
Comment by Michelle — March 5, 2008 @ 10:31 am
My 9 year old son has an awful time making friends. We live in a very rural area where the school’s population may be 75 K-5th. So anything said about 1 child gets passed quickly. The kids have said to me, He’s so weird, or he makes up stories, and things like that. I try to help them understand but at this age it’s like talking to a wall. My son bangs his fist into his face in frustation at not being able to make friends. I try as best I can to help him understand and learn to have restraint but he doesn’t understand why he has to do it their way why can’t they do it his way. It’s so hard. He wants to be homeschooled and never go in public but I have to work and I think he needs to be in with others in hopes that he will learn some socialization. I did put him in little league and the coach was fantastic at helping with his needs but then he wanted to be on that team forever because they “understood” him. I’m going in to volunteer in his class so maybe I can take some of the suggestions and make them work. Good luck all.
Comment by MMetz — March 5, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
My niece is going to be a senior in HS and is not taking SAT as it is not likely that she will go directly to a 4 year university. She may try the community college with a single class to see how it goes. Can anyone help with information for a vocational school for people with Aspereger? Thank you… Pat
Comment by Pat Lopez — March 5, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
What do you do when your 9 y.o. daughter with Asperger’s is obsessed with LIONS? Ours knows everything about them and collects anything with a lion on it. But there aren’t many other young girls who are into THAT, esp. in the middle of the U.S.!
Comment by N. Webster — March 5, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
I would agree with the above comment. Scouts has been the best thing for our AS Son. He joined Cub Scouts at age 8 and is now 15 and is an Eagle Scout. It is an independent activty that lets these children thrive in their own way, but by belonging to a Den or a Troop they learn positive social interactions and how to be a team player! Find a Scouting Unit with supportive leaders. Our Son’s Scoutmaster took it upon himself to read everything he could about Autism Spectrum Disorders. When I would get frustrated about something my son wasn’t doing, this Scoutmaster would pull me aside and say, “You know, I read this the other day about Aspergers . . .” He was a great example to me. When my son made Eagle Scout, he presented this man with a Mentor Pin and I can’t think of anyone more deserving.
Comment by LeAnn Wood — March 5, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
happy you are there nobady seems to know alot about the ups and the downs of our child, he is 6 and never been invited to a play date nor a party, but the school tells us there is no problem????Having a tough time having family doctor to write note that child has asperger’s has all characteristics and is severe adhd but only requires 10mg of ritalin to contain the child for the four hours and takes another at luch, but his wieght is 80 lbs and the drs say he should be on 40 mg twice daily does this tell us that it is more than the adhd but asperger’s duh!? Please email our family dont think worse of me than I already feel. Thanks for the ears.
Comment by jennife rkirkland — March 5, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
My 14 year old son use to walk around alone playing with his imaginary friends rather play with other students and now he was manager of the basket ball team and now he’s in the schools play of High School musical and is interested in learning more on Aspergers syndrome to better understand who he is and what hes all about.He’s come far and reaches for the stars.
Comment by D'etta Matthews — March 5, 2008 @ 6:45 pm
I understand comepletely. It is more difficult when they turn into teens and you can not exactly set up “child play dates” like you could years before. Time to think “outside the box.” Taking her outside the home into as many social settings as possible will help with social skills. Try going to the museum ( I know it may be a drive), library ( they have special speakers sometimes) or community theater and church. Find her special interest and go there. While there try to engage in conversation with the speaker, tour guide, actors. At first you may be the one doing all the talking. As she watches you thinking of interesting questions to ask these people about their jobs and where they work, she is getting practice conversing with others in the community. I know this means that you have to be uncomfortable speaking with these folks too when it would be easier to just go to the car afterwards but make an effort to at least stop by and shake their hand. A friend doesn’t always have to be the same age. She may find a trustworthy adult to visit with that can be a friend/mentor. When we are in the workplace many of our co-workers are not our same age and we have no problem becoming friends with them so be it for her also. Good luck and get going!
CW
Comment by cathy whittington — March 6, 2008 @ 5:26 am
The frustration is that our Aspberger kids don’t learn from observing. It takes specific structured, sequential training to get them to use proper conversation skills, and thos eskills don’t generalize to new situations. It’s a constant starting-from-scratch in each new situation and new relationship!
Comment by Wendy — March 6, 2008 @ 9:00 am
would like to make contact via e mail with karen from south africa as i have a son with asperger’s and we may be able to share experiences
regards adele in south africa
Comment by adele in south africa — March 6, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
Yes, frustration continues with my 13 year old who becomes fixated with anyone who speaks with her. In the end, she has made superficial friendships and one long term friendship over the phone. It seems that the socially troubled find each other like magnets sticking together. For the parents of younger children, it doesn’t get any easier with age. Middle school children tend to be very nasty and superficial. Lions aren’t so bad - try lizards, snakes, and ferrets. The animal kingdom lives in my house. I am waiting for 40 days and 40 nights of rain so that Noah can start building the Ark. I have involved my teen in animal rescue leagues, farm volunteering, and support groups where the children are like her. I have a big family locally and my daughter engages with them as well. We remind her of appropriate and inappropriate phrasing, body cues, and sarcasm. Although some shocking moments continue to occur in the wrong place with the wrong people. Best I can offer, love them anyway. She has taught me more than I would ever have learned had she not been sent to me as a gift.
Comment by Lynn — March 6, 2008 @ 7:47 pm