Teenage years and puberty for the Aspie
Welcome to this week’s blog post. It seems to be taking me forever to wade through the great information sent into me by parents as to what they want and need to know about all things Aspie for the new project; but I’ll get there! Here’s this weeks article:
Question
My son is now 13, he was diagnosed at the age of 8. All of a sudden he is acting out, cussing all the time, lying, etc. Are these years the hardest, or is this just the beginning? When he finally hits puberty, will things get better?
Answer
Yes, the teen years are the hardest, whether your son has Asperger’s Syndrome or not! I think he probably has “hit” puberty, but it’s just beginning. Raging hormones and frustration with social interactions at school can cause a lot of anger and bad behavior during the teen years. Many teens need counseling to negotiate this time in their lives successfully. Consider counseling for your son, starting now.
Your son is exhibiting rebellious behavior; i.e., inappropriate, and this type of behavior fulfills the child’s needs. Your son may have the need to:
- Avoid responsibility – Attending school, obeying parents
- Get something – His way in a decision, your attention, control over a situation
- Manage pain – Physical and/or emotional stress that must be alleviated
- Fulfill sensory needs – Relief from heat, cold, or to satisfy thirst
Your son is unlikely to identify with your feelings or comprehend others’ objections to his behaviour. The only explanation you should use with him is to specifically state that the objectionable behavior is not permitted. Your son needs to follow rules, and following rules can help to focus and modify his rebellious behavior.
Behavior modification is a therapeutic approach that can change your son’s behaviour. You need to determine the need that his rebellion/aggression fulfils and teach him an acceptable replacement behavior. For example, your son can be taught to ask for, point to, or show an emotion card to indicate the need that he is trying to fulfill. Sometimes, self-stimulating behaviours such as rocking or pacing are taught as replacement behaviours, but it will take time for your son to integrate these behaviours into his daily activities. If your son is severely out of control, he needs to be physically removed from the situation. Granted, this may be easier said than done, and you may need someone to help you; yet, behaviour modification can be helpful, and it must be started as soon as possible.
For children and adolescents with Asperger’s Syndrome, the importance of maintaining a daily routine cannot be stressed enough. A daily routine produces behavioral stability and psychological comfort for Asperger’s children. Also, it lessens their need to make demands. When you establish a daily routine, you eliminate some of the situations in which your son’s behaviour becomes demanding. For example, by building in regular times to give him attention, he may have less need to show aggression to try to get that attention.
Ideally over time, your child will learn to recognize and communicate the causes of his aggression and get his needs met by using communication. Unfortunately, children who get their needs met due to aggression or violence are very likely to continue and escalate this oppositional behavior.
A behavior therapy program may help your son; however an individualized program has to be designed for your son because children and adolescents with Asperger’s Syndrome vary greatly in their handicaps and/or family circumstances. Treatment approaches that work well with other diagnoses may not work with Asperger’s. Consult a psychiatrist who can oversee a treatment plan as well as any medication regimen that your son may be need.
All the best
Dave Angel
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I have noticed similar behavior in my 15 year old daughter. I have confronted her with the “lying”
issue regarding telling others she spent time in the company of various celebrity teens at different events (coinciding with our plans that cause us to depart from home at long intervals)
I explained that she was doing this to gain popularity with her peers and that fabricating stories was dishonest and can backfire not in her favor. I feel she was caught unknown to me once or twice because she accuses her little sis of being a liar whenever she says something now,
probably wanting to hurt someone in retaliation.
She will be a freshman at our high school this season and I told her I could not express more concern for her that I am ; due to empathy for her possibly situation in the making.
Being a teen, being accused of being a fabricator
and being shunned is a horrible fate for anyone
let alone an Aspie who easily exhibits extreme behavior which could only worsen any given situation where they are concerned!
Comment by Melody — August 6, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
I’ve recently withdrawn my son from school because he wasn’t obeying any of the teachers and had been on report for 2 terms with no signs of improvement. He is more relaxed at home, but we have yet to set up a home education routine. He doesn’t generally obey me unless there is some kind of bribe or exchange negotiated. There has to be something in it for him otherwise he doesn’t see the point, and explaining it to him doesn’t impress him either! When he is in a rage, he can be very abusive and foul-mouthed, but we have all learned to keep away from him at those times. I am hoping that his self-esteem will build when he finds his own way to learn things. As for counselling, I don’t have a lot of faith in many counsellors to really understand the complexity of what he is dealing with on a daily basis. I myself am a psychotherapist and EFT practitioner, and have found that, when he gets really upset by something, we can use EFT to remove the fear stimulus, but he quickly picks up a new one to replace it. There are now many things he is fearful of, from flushing toilets to imagined illnesses. He is only 12 and I’m just hoping we can hang on to him and help to steer him through the next 6 - 8 years.
Comment by Marian — August 6, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
My son is just 14 and he isout of control all of a sudden within the summer months has changed. He is rude, mouthy and does not listen or answer to anyone! I hought it was just my son until I took him to Mitchells Place and his Dr. said that puberty and Aspergers is a terrible mix. We are trying to stay firm with him, but some days he is just so difficult to talk to. Thanks for the info we are not alone!
Comment by Michelle — August 6, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
My 16 year old is a imature, emotional rollercoaster: Cursing calling bad names occurs every time she is upset. I’ve come to understand, not to pay alot of attention to the curse words while they are occuring. Often, she doesn’t even remember what she said later. I also have learned that if I can stay calm and not confront her, offering a deversion before she escalates in to a full blown rage, we can sometimes escape the worst of the storm. But other times, we end up in the rumble.
It is very true that the imature emotinal state, mixed up with the teenager who hangs out with misfits who use bad language has created a bit much when she becomes anxious. However, I look at the good, not the bad. Every night before she goes to bed, I now hear these words: “Mom, I love you! your’re the best! It makes it all worth while, to know that even though she gets punished based on how bad she looses control, no matter is I react picture perfect or loose my temper, I’m reaching her. She also has alot less problems if her school routine/schedule is followed. Summer time is hard and her anxiety escalates. But the routine of a set bedtime, and day works wonders. Couseling is a must. A good one with a therapy dog is wonderful too! Hang in there!
Comment by Katrina — August 6, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
my daughter is in alot of therapy away from the home, and we home school here, and she is 11 years old, and she takes alot of meds also, we moved from Louisiana to Indiana, and she has not seemed to adjusted yet, and suggestions? Some people have not been very nice to us here, even in the medical field, but I manage to keep them under control, but I can’t control everyone, so what do I do? It’s been mainly to rude comments, like Katrina is over with, you guys can go home now, and get this we just got up here,(becuase I married a man from up ya), and Katrina been over 3 years ago, so what’s there probably? I hate it when we can’t explain some things to our kids cause we really don’t understand them ourselves..
Comment by dinah eller — August 6, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
My son who is now 18 and Aspie seemed as if a switch flipped when he turned 15!The lying and getting into bad friends (he seems to attract them) and it is very difficult to get any teachers to believe the Aspergers has anything to do with these behaviors. The teen years are BY FAR the hardest to deal with!! Hands down because they gain more control over and you lose it! We have rules and see a therapist when needed. I’m still praying for him to be accepted to college!Kim
Comment by kim — August 6, 2008 @ 6:15 pm
Our son is 13, and 85% of the time…he is a sweetheart. I know that when kids are with their peers, they want to be cool, and I understand that. I just wish there was some way to let him know that swearing is NOT COOL. Of course his friends seem nice enough, and I don’t think they talk like that…but for some reason…he loves to say the F word, and SH..Last year in school he got in trouble and spent time in detention. I hope he either gets called on it by a peer he really respects, or just finds the negative attention bad enough to stop. That is our biggest issue right now. He has had alot of free time this summer, and I think he is actually looking forward to school. He gets counseling at school, which I really think helps, but if he needs more, what type of counselor should I seek out?
Comment by Sue Orr — August 6, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
My son was also diagnosed at 8 and was violent and losing his cool with teachers at school. By nearly 14 we had to withdraw him from school and do it by correspondence through the education department. His behaviour has improved but his mental health still took a dive a year later. Its a long slow road of recovery. Stay confident and be bold with the system- as the parent you do know your child best. It will get better but all behavior needs to be understood before it can be changed. Hope this helps, Jane
Comment by Jane — August 6, 2008 @ 7:37 pm
This message is for sue….it is my opinion and that of our therapist that most all boys around the puberty and teen years curse like sailors no matter whom they are and especially when they are away from their parents. The difference with the Aspies is that they don’t understand when the qoute”appropriate” time to curse is and they get caught and disaplined for it. They are bad liars and bad sneaks and most usually get caught doing the simple bad things that most kids do and get away with.
I’m not judging you….I just wanted to share that thought with you. Kim
Comment by kim — August 6, 2008 @ 8:37 pm
I know that I will have a tough time with him growing up my 8yr old son due to ASD. With my disability also it already has been chanellaging with him already telling me what to do and how to so somethings like especialy read the bible wich is hard for me to do. I have to take care of myself and need to do things for my head injury as well!!
Comment by Julie Bliven — August 7, 2008 @ 12:49 am
To all those special mums that are dealing with all the above mentioned behaviours, remember that love always wins out in the end. Ours is a tough old job with our Aspie children that no one would willingly volunteer for! It can’t be like this forever and we must take comfort from the fact that we are doing the best for our children no matter how hard things seem right now. God bless you all.
Comment by Tina Hawley — August 7, 2008 @ 5:23 am
Hi. My son is 13 and has only recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. I fought for years to get him diagnosed as since he was five, he has wanted to kill himself! His behaviour has always been considered ’strange’ by other mums. However when he hit puberty at 12, boy did his Aspergers really kick in, so to speak. One of the most noteable things was his temper. He used to be so accomadating but suddenly ‘the worm turned! The hormones have made him more aggressive and impatient and hightend his verbal and written
communication problems. I believe that his aspie problems are more pronounced now he is a teenager, as before he could ‘blend in’, but the social aspects of teenager behaviour are too complicated for him. This coupled with not wanting to go to school and just stay at home on the computor, are making for a very challenging time for all of us! However this said, his brother who is now 12, and his sister who is 11 are doing my head in! Both of them lie and are so mouthy back with major attitude. My friends are also having the same problems with their teenagers. Puberty starts a lot earlier now and emotionally children are unable to cope with the influx of hormones, and the feelings that they produce. Those with Aspergers are at such a disadvantage in the mixed up world of puberty. I remember the difficulties I had as a teen, wanting to fit in and be ‘cool’ and accepted. Talk about a rebel and arrogant! I cannot imagine what it must be like if you cannot read faces and lack the social skills to cope. Taking everything that is said literally, and suffering the cruel jibes and bullying of other teenagers if you make mistakes. I think patience and sympathy are the key for me to help my son. I do not make exceptions for his aspergers when it comes to not accepting bad behaviour. He gets grounded just the same as his siblings. However I do explain to all of them what they did wrong and how they could have handled it better. I do make some allowanaces when he is very depressed (ie suicidal) but I still explain that I will not accept abuse. I feel it is important that he sees that everyone has problems and gets punished if they misbehave, including his siblings. His siblings also need to see all of them get told off for bad behaviour. I find there is a fine line between understanding asperger teenagers difficulties and general teenager behaviour. I find that the threat of taking away his time on the computor works wonders as this is his fixation. Most Aspie children have a fixation on one thing. They constantly talk about it, collect it, live it, breath it etc. I have found that they soon learn that if they constantly misbehave they will not have access to it. But if they are good they will have an extra half on the computor or what ever it is they are in to. In a nut shell generally all teenagers are ‘challenging’ but those with aspergers face more challenges, so are usually challenging more of the time. Hang in there parents, hopefully things will improve with age. I did, so there is hope for everyone!
Comment by Debbie W — August 7, 2008 @ 5:43 am
To Sue O. - We’ve been in counseling for over 3 years with my 13-year-old son, meeting as often as once a week to once a month with little progress. It’s great that you are asking what type of counselor and method to use with your child so you don’t waste a lot of time on effective treatment! With Shawn’s new diagnosis of AS I have been educating myself, spending hours at conferences and reading books. I now realize that just what I call “talk therapy” is not effective for our son, and probably not for most kids like him. While that may be one possible tool for the toolbox, I have now found a PhD psychologist who actually knows something about Autism/Aspergers and has very quickly recognized that we needed very specific goals and methods. I’ve been meeting with her every other weekly appointment to make sure that I’m instituting a good process at home and can get my questions answered without having Shawn present. Just find a counselor that knows and understands something about AS and ask what type of plan they have for treatment. No specific plan of action - no progress - keep looking. At least in our area, that is a hard thing to find but worth the time invested. I have started looking at our son in a different light, changing the way I interact with him, and started using some simple and practical methods to help Shawn change his behaviors and learn coping skills. I have seen more progress in 2 months than I did in 3 years!!
For Kim - I agree with your statement that some of these kids are really bad at getting away with their plots. When our son was younger, we used to call him “stupid criminal of the week” (not to his face, of course) because he used to actually come to me and admit what he did within 10 minutes of doing it. No remorse or regret, just an admittance of his wrongdoing. These days, however, Shawn has nearly perfected his cunning skills and I’ve had to raise my “game” significantly. He is always amazed how I know something is wrong, and I tell him I’m a mom and moms just know these things. He wants to know how he was caught so he can improve his “game” but I can’t tell trade secrets.
Best wishes,
Ronda
Comment by Ronda — August 7, 2008 @ 8:52 am
My 12 yr old grandson goes to a Christian school so he normally jumps at me if I use a sh..word occasionally. Being a big boy he needs to shower more often especially if he has played basketball. He tries evry trick in the book not to shower or wash his face. He likes reding joke books and when there was a class exercise when every student had to write something positive on their peers sheets, his sheet was 2/3rds ‘funny’. He is with special education focus team at the school for behavioural problems i.e. standing close behind someone (he thinks he is frightening them when they turn round and see him there)and a lot of other minor things. He is in a court case as his biological mother wants him to live with her but he still wants to stay with gran and poppa as he has lived here for nine of his twelve years.
Comment by Lillian Carde — August 7, 2008 @ 11:34 pm
My son will be 13 next month and I have seen this type of behavior, over the last 3 months, escalate. This kid has made me laugh since he was three, but wow, what a mouth and way to much attitude! I know that this behavior (on a smaller scale) is typical of most teens but my older 2 boys (very social young men) were seldom disrespectful to their parents and never to a teacher. We have spent years re-negotiating behavior problems with my Aspie and I worry now that we may loose our footing as we head into the teen years.
My son has a very intelligent and logical thought process and therefore learned, at a young age, that all he would need to do, to fit in, is watch the kids who have a lot of friends (including his older brothers) and immulate their behavior. He is very smart and he may not always know why kids do what they do but he knows what the outcome will be. Unfortunately, I am afraid what my Aspie has learned is that he will receive a lot of positive feedback from peers (especially the young ladies-kind of a bad boy image) for his negative behavior. But, like an earlier post (Rhonda) suggested, I have a few tricks up my sleeve, and hopefully my son hasn’t passed me up intellectually yet so they will still work.
I am a Christian (Mormon) mom so this next comment may come of surprise, especially to other religious moms. My Aspie has always been about the logic and equality of everything. Everything must make sense. I have derived a sceme of my own to combat the recent mouthy swearing problem. I haven’t let anyone in on my scheme, except my husband. I will spend a Saturday, from the second I get up till just before bed time, disrepecting everyone and cussing every other word (non angrily but very casually and definately at inappropriate times). On and on I will go, even at the protest of my older two boys, who I am positive will have something to say about it. I will protest comments like, “I sound cool…what? I didnt say anything wrong…swearing doesnt hurt anyone….there’s nothing wrong with cussing…and so on.” At the end of the day we will all sit down and talk about the day and how it went. I will annouce my scheme to the boys and ask for their feelings or comments on what I have done. I can guess at some of their responses. But I can guarantee one thing, my Aspie will not think I was cool, or smart or enjoy me talking down to everyone. In which I will comment something like, “swearing doesnt make me cool, it makes me sound ignorant and that all it means is that I do not have enough words in my vocabulary to express myself in a way that people can understand therefore making me sound DUMB.”
I can think of two problems with my plan, one: my husband always tells me that I shouldnt have go to hell to save someone; (I wonder if I will have to repent to the bishop on Sunday
) and the other potential problem is: “the best laid plans…” What do you think?
We also have tried counceling and it is my experience that the counceling usually goes to waste with my Aspie and is better served with the parents and learning to communicate better with their child. Open communication with your kids, whether its all about the logic (for the Aspie) or all about the way things make us feel (for your non-Aspie kids)…Communicating is the best therapy and the best form of counceling. Just a little food for thought. PS Dont judge my scheme to harshly…I have a child who lives “outside the box” and I have learned over the years to change my very organized thought process to also “think outside the box” to stay ahead. I hate that metaphore but it is Oh so appropriate. Thanks for listening.
Comment by Jenna Meyer — August 11, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
My 17 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, since kindergarten we have been in counseling, and I have taken her for numerous evaluations, the school system here is a joke and she is now entering the 10th grade. We finally got her into a therapuetic program this year, and I am praying it works for her.
I recently got this site from my daughters counselor and I am so glad because I am trying to get her some help and the Dept. of Mental Health cannont help because Aspergers is her primary diagnosis, and the Dept. of Mental Retardation cannont help because of her age.
My daughter also has ADHD, mood disorder, central auditory processing disorder, ocd, and the list goes on and on. It is not easy dealing with her lying and I am glad I found this site and I am glad I am not alone.
Comment by Michelle — August 14, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
My autistic son just turned 16 and I recall when he hit this phase. The agression and outragous behavior was overwhelming. ABA Therapy and creating a daily schedule helped him the most. It is so important to stay strong and consistent, he will test you. Hang in there it will not last forever.
Comment by Arnette — August 15, 2008 @ 8:48 pm
My son is also 13 and about to enter 8th grade. My worst fear since he was diagnoss as a Aspie in 2nd grade was he wouldn’t fit in. Well through pray and God’s grace he has done just that, on his terms. I won’t say that he has many friends, so to speak in the traditional sense of the term “friends” but he is one of the most popular kids amongst hs peers. He witty, wise beyond his years and possess an inner peace that has enabled him to navigate his school days. One thing I found to be very helpful is he has a one on one assistant that supports him during the school day. Many parents frown upon the use of providing their teenager support during school because the feel, and I say “they feel” embrassed.I found that my son responds well to just being accepted for what he is, not what he does. He has had some challenges as a middle schooler but what child doesn’t. The best advice I ever recieved was to “let him go”, and to see the child not the diagnosis.
Comment by Nannette Whitsett — August 18, 2008 @ 12:46 pm