Thanks…and Getting Support from The In-Laws!
Hi there – And a big thanks to you if you’ve already taken part in the Aspergers survey.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=jEpXur_2fZ3wOVKtyxKbiQrw_3d_3d
I’m already seeing some fascinating results from the survey which I will share more of in due course.
This week’s article covers the following question:
I need help in getting my in-laws to understand that it’s not a lack of discipline that has made my son act the way he does. Spanking isn’t the answer. They think he’s fine, that it’s my fault (that he acts out).
Your in-laws need to be educated about Asperger’s Syndrome. They may accuse you of spoiling the child or of not knowing how to raise children. You may be tempted to think you are not a good parent. Don’t! Your child has specific difficulties related to Asperger’s Syndrome and it takes time and a lot of knowledge to deal with them successfully.
You, or better yet your husband, should talk with them about the symptoms and behaviours commonly associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Let them know that the issue is one of sensory overload and not inadequate discipline on your part. Your in-laws need to understand that his responses to sounds, lights, smells, tastes, and touch strongly affect him, sometimes causing actual pain, and it is not anyone’s fault that he sometimes cannot handle situations. Also, his interactions with people are not a demonstration of an antisocial personality. He may fear individuals or crowds, and he may not know how to interact with strangers. This is not due to your lack of training. It is a syndrome (condition) that involves many behaviours described in such books as Asperger’s Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals by Tony Atwood or Asperger’s Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick. Reading these books may help your in-laws understand AS.
The internet is a valuable source of information on Asperger’s Syndrome. There are two popular sites for Asperger’s information. The first is O.A.S.I.S., the Online Asperger’s Syndrome Information and Support website, at http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/. The second is A Directory for Asperger’s Syndrome, which contains a directory of resources (articles, books, services) related to Asperger’s Syndrome. It is available at http://www.kandi.org/aspergers/index2.html
On the home front, both you and your spouse need to be equally involved in this situation. You can provide a mutual source of support for yourselves, as well as your child. Treatment for any illness, disease, or disorder is always enhanced when there is family unity. To begin, look into family counseling for you, your spouse, and your child. Then, integrate your in-laws into the counseling sessions. During the sessions, ask the therapist for a referral to support groups for families affected by Asperger’s Syndrome. Therapists and their support staff usually have community support information at hand. There is a website support group based in the
Thanks
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It was refreshing to read something about helping the extended family to understand Aspergers, unfortunatly this is an area that has proved to be a little more than troublesome in our situation. 5 years after diagnosis and my in laws still do not understand and have no wish to do so, books have been returned unread, conversations about our son and the difficulties he faces are cut off. It is something they do not wish to acknowledge. The reality that my husband (their son) is more than likely aspergers as well is far to much for them to bare, for me it’s a source of strength and hope, he’s a successful engineer and a wonderful (if at times difficult to understand) man, for them he represents years of struggle and mis understandings. If only they could look to who he’s become and stop dwelling on their own resentment.
Anyway, another interesting article, keep them coming!
Michelle
Comment by Michelle — July 1, 2008 @ 11:01 am
Good luck in getting the in-laws to agree that it’s not the kid’s fault that s/he acts out and is not very social. I can only hope that the current group of parents has better luck than my generation where parents often fought lonely battles with unsympathetic in-laws. In one instance, the in-laws even tried to get their son to divorce his wife and marry another girl who was “more strict” with children and “wouldn’t put up with this nonsense.”
There is a good article for grandparents on Barbara Kirby’s site, http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/ A frustrated mom might want to print it out and hand it to her child’s grandparents.
However, we must remember that a lot of people think the whole field of psychology and psychiatry is one step removed from witchcraft and thus, will say its all foolishness and, “in this house, we don’t believe in that silliness.” So, all one can say, is be prepared for the invitation to Thanksgiving dinner or the 4th of July picnic with the admonition, “Sarah is welcome, but please leave Jacob at home with a sitter.”
Comment by Mary Minshall — July 1, 2008 @ 11:28 am
Yeah I agree on trying to get someone who just doesn’t get it or is willing to accept it period. Anyone have advice for a father who is unwilling to come to terms with it and is not parenting the child correctly and is convinced the child is doing everything to “spite him” and is at “war with him?” Oh and then she is a bad child because I didn’t discipline her enough when she was young.
He has been told over and over by many this isn’t true, before the diagnosis, she has other issues - ADHD diagnosis.
So question is, where does one point a parent who is absolutely convinced it is just bad parenting, by one parent only, and the child is just being a brat (she is now 12)
Comment by Bonnie Murphy — July 1, 2008 @ 11:51 am
Wow. It seems like this topic was written just for me. I am relieved to see that I am not the only one out there having issues with parents and in-laws. We try to attribute much of their “lack of knowledge” on children with special needs with their “lack of education”. The way children (who would have been diagnosed with ASD today) were treated years ago was very different from techniques used today. I find it very difficult to change the minds of my parents and in-laws.
Comment by Jadzia — July 1, 2008 @ 11:53 am
My heart goes out to you! My in-laws and my own parents were doubtful when my son was diagnosed and insisted he was fine! I just kept talking and talking until I was blue in the face about Aspergers/Autism and gave them any reading material I came across to help educate them. Then….they started referring me to information they would come across. It’s been great and they are a wonderful form of support. To anyone who has ever been invited to an event but told that “one of their children must stay at home with a sitter”, I would hope you would decline the invitation and have your own family gathering. If your extended family doesn’t want to be a part of it—-it’s their loss. Move on and keep that strong bond with your immediate family.
Comment by Lori Caron — July 1, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
Good luck is right. My in-laws live several states away (thank God) and have absolutely no sympathy for when my very high functioning PDD-NOS/ADHD son is having a bad day. It’s not just automatically “our” fault but “my” fault. And it comes in waves - he will have sometimes several weeks of “good days” before a string of “bad” ones, improved since last medication tweak for the ADHD. So if they see a “bad day” then automatically *I* need to be a better mom or (sometimes) my husband needs to be a stricter dad. It’s a tough row to hoe.
Comment by Satscout — July 1, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
So I am not alone! My inlaws live in a different country and I am thankful for this everyday. However recently it was bought to my attention that my own family, my mum and dad and brothers (and their wives) all thought I was spoiling my son and all he needed was stricter, harsher discpline. I felt really let down by the people who are supposed to be there for me. I now will be wary of any family dinners and I may choose to keep ourselves (me and my son) safe by not exposing ourselves to negative criticsm. It is a really hard road to travel when you can’t even rely on the support of your loved ones.
Comment by Julie Dent — July 1, 2008 @ 5:44 pm
I know I’m late on getting back!! I am a single mom and have family that before I had some legal problems. They thought that I should do things their way and my son is controling my life cause I ask him if he wants to go anyehere with the family usually I don’t go and just stay home. They think that I am getting walked over by asking him first if he wants to go. After the Safeway thing happend I choose to still let him make the choose whether we go or not. I just don’t want to loose him to my sister again.
Comment by Julie Bliven — July 8, 2008 @ 5:46 am
Comment for Question #3 (Brenda)
My husband struggled when our son was diagnosed too. They want the perfect child & their dreams for them come crashing down. No child comes with a handbook even if they are typically developing, tell your husband you are learning for the first time just like him - all parents make mistakes. Blaming you is not helping matters and could be the reason your daughter is acting out more around him. She needs both of you to work as a TEAM for her future success. If you husband doesn’t like to read, then perhaps you could find a support group in your area. He could meet other parents who struggle with the same things. Hopefully he could meet another father who has been through it and could offer him some advise or strategies. Feeling alone in this is the scariest part. We need to stick together and be good advocates for our children.
Suggest a time when you and your hubby can sit down (away from the kids) and discuss a game plan for discipline for her that works for BOTH of you. You are not alone!
Comment by Lori Caron — July 9, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Oops Question 3 was originated by Bonnie - not Brenda Sorry
Comment by Lori Caron — July 9, 2008 @ 5:46 pm
My Ex parnter’s mother (grandmother of y child with asperger’s) has not visited or rung in 10 months since i rang his father to tell him the news that our son was diagnosed and he told his mother and she has not seen him since and has only sent cards and didnt even get him a xmas or b’day present. Very strange from the in laws. but i also dont think my family really get it either, especially my sister as they see him behave well and tell me i’m not strict enough. Coments like that are so unhelpful when a lot of days you feel drained from being so strict and firm with the boundaries!! Constant battle is with other peoples judgemental and uneducated comments!
Comment by Sharlene — July 29, 2008 @ 10:21 pm