Thoughts of an adult with Aspergers

57 comments »

1. Trudy…what a wonderfully eloquent letter you wrote…so honest and true and REAL. My son is an aspie, he is only 7 but is struggling to get any real understanding in his mainstream school. And yet, at home we have no problems being on his wavelength!!..HE is such a wise and astute little person, i just wish others could see how perfect he is as a being on this earth of ours!!,maria x

   Comment by maria annand — February 7, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

2. Trudy, your words brought tears to my eyes. It has taken me 13 years to see the beauty of my son and his ability rather than his dis-ability because, like you, I was raised to be a ‘good girl’ and to be ‘normal’ and do what was expected of me.
   Fortunately my son has been good at pointing out the error of my ways and my inconsistencies, and the lies I was telling myself although I didn’t realise it.
   I am working more and more with other parents or partners of undiagnosed Aspies and helping them to let go of their predetermined social rules. As they do this they start to see the joy and the liberation that Aspies are bringing for us all. You don’t have to be an Aspie to resent social conditioning! Many people are then going on to discover their own sensitive natures that were squashed or repressed in their attempt to ‘fit in’. Many of these non-Aspies also discover their Aspie tendencies – not enough to necessarily be diagnosed with it, but certainly to be able to step further into their son’s, daughter’s or partner’s world. In the process they are healing so many of their own hurts, as I have been called to do by my son. He has needed me to do this so that I can allow him to be who he is, and as I do that, I am also freeing myself. EFT (emotional freedom techniques) is a great help in this respect, and I love helping those whose life purpose it is to bring truth to the planet.

   ALL Power to the Aspie elbow I say – let’s all open our ears to what they have to tell us and rediscover the joy of being true to ourselves.
   Thank you Trudy for your courage and your commitment to yourself.
   love
   Marian

   Comment by Marian — February 7, 2009 @ 12:12 pm

3. OMG!!!!!!!!!!
   This explanation is so exact! We have struggled to put our thoughts together for a Cliff Notes version that everyone can understand. You nailed it! Thank you. I will share this with my nearly 100 families on our listserve and all special ed staff at Ocean View School District in Huntington Beach, California. We are grateful!

   Comment by Laura Pratto — February 7, 2009 @ 12:14 pm

4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Trudy. I have spent the last 14 years struggling against people who could not see why I accept my son the way he is and thinking I was a bad parent for not trying to change him. My son is growing up to be an incredible person and I am so proud of him. He has been through so much in his young life as have most people with Aspergers.

   Comment by Janey Grainger — February 7, 2009 @ 12:28 pm

5. I don’t know if this is really relevant, but our son is an 11 year old aspie. He stims when he is bored, like when he is doing boring homework (science and math are not boring.) When he stims his clasps his hands behind his head. If I ask him, “can you put your arms down?,” he will do so, but his arms and face keep twitching as he forces himself to keep his arms down. But if I say, “ice cream,” he stops stimming and has no compulsion to start again. All it takes is changing his state of mind. Ice cream is not boring.

   Comment by Don McIntyre — February 7, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

6. thank you for sharing this with us it is very interesting to read and made me think twice about how i see my son, and how i try and teach him to do ‘the right thing’. I let him do whatever he wants most of the time but there is a few times when i have to calm him down, its just a different way of looking at his behaviour, Thank you again and good luck.

   Comment by sue — February 7, 2009 @ 12:42 pm

7. My 11 year old step son has been pre-diagnosed as having aspergers and ADD which I know go hand in hand. We have exhaused so many different avenues. You are so right. No one understands aspies. My son is brilliant to the point the school doesn’t want to give him any specialized guidence. When he understands the lessons, he aces them. His behavior is what we’ve always had more trouble with. Now that we are pretty sure he is an aspie, everything fits, we can work around his difference. He is a sweet boy and has a tremendous imagination. Thank you for your words. I would hope every teacher that is teaching children would read and understand what you wrote. And also get some understanding of what makes some children with aspergers tic.
   Thank you
   James Wade

   Comment by James Wade — February 7, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

8. Hi Trudy, I’m an adult with Asperger’s, too.

   It’s interesting that you compare your experiences to that of a gay person. There are certainly a lot of similarities.

   And just as no two gay people have exactly the same feelings or experiences, no two Aspies are alike. I would gently suggest that that your letter not be held up as an example of “what we are like”. This is what YOU are like. You don’t speak for me or anyone else.

   Myself, I’ve had my rough spots in life, but I am learning to deal with it. That’s all we can do, right? Of course, I’m lucky that I have family members (especially my husband) who are aware and understand. I do not consider myself oppressed. I suppose you could say I’m still “in the closet”, because I don’t wear my diagnosis on my sleeve. I have Asperger’s, but I refuse to be defined by it.

   Another metaphor could be the act of moving to a different country. You are the foreigner; you don’t speak the language, you don’t know the customs. It would be preposterous to expect your new home to change for you, so you learn to adapt. You do what you need to do to survive. You will never truly be the same as a native person, nor should anyone expect you to be…but with experience, you grow, and you learn, and you develop. Because we all do what we have to do to survive.

   BTW, I can completely sympathise (surprise!) with your rant, because I’ve had a lot of the same feelings too.

   Do you have any obsessive interests? I find a lot of comfort in mine.

   Cheers,

   Vicky

   Comment by Vicky — February 7, 2009 @ 12:48 pm

9. I too believe that I have aspergers, though I have never been diagnosed. I’m 43, my son has been diagnosed but not until he was 15. I didn’t realize there was a problem because I could relate to everything he is going thru. I just figured he was like me. I struggled through school but made it and even today things that are easy for most are challenging for me. Especially social situations, I don’t care to be around people, it’s just easier. However, I don’t believe it has any comparison to being gay… That’s a choice you make and anyone who tells you different is telling a huge lie. Next thing you know people will say they were born to be murders. I’m glad people are not all exactly the same. This world would be really boring if we were.

   Comment by Marna Schriner — February 7, 2009 @ 12:50 pm

10. I totally agree with what you said. My son is 10 and is told to stop doing this or stop doing that beacause it isn’t right. I’m sick of hearing it. This is the way he is and i don’t want him to change. I love his knowledge, behavors, thoughts and everything else about him. School is the worst enviroment for kids with AS because they are expected to act a certain way. Well too bad because my son is who he is and that is his normal. Get used to it.

    Comment by cheryl — February 7, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

11. At last we are getting info regarding adult Aspies. It has recently been sugested to me that my husband (75) years of age could be an aspie and that is why I have had long term depression. I have not told him as he never visits the Doctor and is not likely to be diagnosed anyway due to his age the the difficulty in officially diagnosing someone. Is there a support group for partners of Aspies?
    Thank You
    Mary

    Comment by Mary — February 7, 2009 @ 1:10 pm

12. I just explained to my (currently undiagosed but very confused and unhappy) 14 yr old son that I too have some Aspie traits – but I now try to celebrate, embrace and use them. That only happened after age 40, when I began self-directed health research on my son’s cleft condition after his birth. I was greatly “validated” by getting a few research awards, speaking on a physician’s panel, and receiving a University equivalency to attend the Univ. of Calgary med school and take grad classes in health sciences. THERE IS A PLACE IN THIS WORLD FOR ALL OF US!! and how much happier we are when we find it… thank you Trudy for sharing what it’s like to be you, and peace to you. I too do EFT (see http://www.emofree.com) and it has helped me greatly too; and reading the comments above, I realized I must encourage this unhappy boy to get back to doing his tapping…

    Comment by Jacalyn Miller — February 7, 2009 @ 1:14 pm

13. Thank you Trudy:
    For sharing what your life has been like. I am raising my 9 yr old grandson with Asperger, he is a very awesome child. He has his moments with the meltdowns we have learned to redirect him. Also, no yelling allowed in the home that helps. We give him his choices on his clothing, TShirts and things he feels comfortable with. Also, we also make him “feel” a big part of our family. Also with anxiety, we don’t disapoint him with things or try not to as he can not cope with that.
    I try to get a feel for what the world of stimming is to him. we give him his space with that. He does not do that in school. He knows he is different. He is a very bright boy. we encourage him daily. He loves to Read, and play on the computer and games. He is very bright!

    Comment by Valerie — February 7, 2009 @ 1:29 pm

14. I am 51 years old and I have aspergers. I did not understand till I read trudys message that I have spent my whole life trying to be something I am not. I often feel like Pinochio. I understand now, the problem really isn’t with me so much as it is with so-called normal people. I agree with Vicki, that we are all different, even though we share common traits. I share Trudys experience with being confused with the mixed signals we get. Thank you for sharing Trudy. I understand something now. U see I am a field engineer for an electronics company. And when I am sent out to repair something, I aways get the same response. Why did they send this idiot dork. Yet after I fix what other engineers with other companys, and sometimes engineers with my own company can’t fix. I am the one they want in the future. It’s the first impression that throws them. They still think I am a dork. But now they call me an intelligent dork. I have always treated others as equals, and never understood prejeduce. Now I understand it. It is because I am different. Regardless that I have an I.Q. Of 211. I am different from them. Therefor I am a dork because they need to feel superior. Thank you Judy. I understand now That I am not the one with the problem. In fact I now feel sorry for these so-called normal people. I feel the need to help them. I am just fine. Tony Attwood is wrong. Very wrong…(sorry no spell checker available).

    Comment by Arthur — February 7, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

15. Thank you for sharing about what Asperger’s is like for you. I too am a mother of 6, also with Asperger’s. My husband shares this as well. We have been persecuted as parents because we do not “act” like other parents and do not communicate in the same manner. The schools see as indifferent or not caring about our children, when this is as far from the truth as you could get! The state thinks that we cannot be good parents because we have Asperger’s. They think that because we do not show emotions “like we should” that our children will suffer and not learn how to be “normal”. Which is funny, since growing up, I always thought I was the normal one, and the others were different!

    Comment by Stacy — February 7, 2009 @ 1:46 pm

16. BRAVO!

    I only learned that I have Aspergers’ after my grandson was diagnosed.

    I too have always had a way of telling liars from people telling the truth, and it always got me in trouble when I would tell them or someone else ” that is not true”, or “That is someone you can’t believe or trust”. It even happened with an Episcopal Priest who thought at times he was God…and he SAID that in a Sunday School class, but no one believed me when I said he was a faker… until he was found out and defrocked many years after.

    The same with a church secretary who I saw through on my first meeting,…she was all fuss and bother …and has just last month been arrested for embezeling the chruch’s money.

    Sometimes people should look at us as “gifted with insight” , not “disabled!”

    My grandson is the same, he sees through people who are in positions of authority for the wrong reasons and has had issues with one particular Boy Scout leader for years, because he has motives for his own sons’ advancement and not the others in the troop.He has achieved his Eagle in spite of this man , but it took some doing!

    We knew when he was repeating the question instead of answering it as a toddler he had some ” glitch” in him, but only when he was a Junior in high school, after all those years of talking to himself and being punished in school for it, did we find out it was Aspergers! Now we treat his ideosyncracies like ” just Jimmy” instead of as a ” condidtion”.

    I never knew I was anythingother than ” just me”, but I knew I was different from most other people. Aspergers does not have to be a ” handicap”. I agree more teachers and others ought to learn about us and accept us!

    Comment by Catherine Cline — February 7, 2009 @ 1:57 pm

17. Your observation is correct. I know with my son Matthew, he is full of love and empathy but the world does not let him show it the way he wants too. Its time for the world to stop hiding people with asbergers, and embrace them as they are the ones who see “out of the box’ which we need now a days. I wish you all the best and I know you are a wonderful person and mom.

    Comment by Nansi Readman — February 7, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

18. Well said Trudy I am going hoarse tring to tell the schools to stop trying to make my 2 children be what “they” want them to be and let them be themselves. Big Hugs to you and I hope more people read and take it in. Jools xxx

    Comment by Julie King — February 7, 2009 @ 3:15 pm

19. I raised an aspie – without knowing why he was special. I followed him to every knew class and offered to help the teachers. Some teachers loved him, some hated him….but he found a way to be comfortable in his own skin. He is still an outcast among many co-workers who see him as ‘high-maintenance’, but those who spend time earning his trust, also earn a very, very special friendship.

    I have a question for those of you who married…because I wish a good marriage for my son, and he desired it (at 26). How does someone who uses a computer for relationships find a real relationship? My son works in a remote place with married couples and much older singles. I have seen young women approach him at times, but his ‘outside world shell’ is so thick that he doesn’t recognize their interest.

    Comment by Joyce — February 7, 2009 @ 3:52 pm

20. I am appalled that someone would equate a medical condition with a life style choice. Shame on you.

    Comment by Sandy — February 7, 2009 @ 4:10 pm

21. I respect anyone who is honest with themself and further, has the courage to express their experience to the rest of us. We are all so different, yet isn’t it amazing when we actually relate to what another individual is saying and have that sudden insight of “yes, that’s how I feel. Thank you for saying that”!

    I believe we all have a story to tell, what an opportunity to practice listening without judgement. Whatever metaphor or analogy is used to gain (ultimately) more self respect, understanding, acceptance, and connecting with other people sure seems worth it to me.

    Comment by Jon Garson — February 7, 2009 @ 4:29 pm

22. Hi Trudi,
    I am glad of the way you put, as it gives me more room for thought.

    I have a highly sensitive, intelligent 7 year old who has a friend with Aspergers. Not that I had been made aware at the time he came to my son’s party, where he cried because I called him to the buffet. I understood little about his actions and decided to treat him exactly like I would my own son and low and behold the boy has trusted me ever since.

    Equally his mother handled a situation with my son quite well, with a little assistance from me over the phone. My then 5 year old claimed that he was ‘allergic’ to all the foods on offer, as he was not quite brave enough to state that he would not let the junk food pass his lips:)

    Understanding is about sharing and time to stop forcing wills and behaviours upon others that are different to what is believed to be the norm. Each individual is different and should be treated with respect. There is no room for conditioning or submission by means of drugs.

    Comment by Tanya Thompson — February 7, 2009 @ 5:14 pm

23. its real interesting to actually hear an adult with aspergers speak out as i am 37 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago now
    i am learning aevery day on how to control things that anger me and i was reading all the comments nice and calmly but when i came to read the comment above by sandy february 7 i had an instantant feeling of anger and bit my hand SANDY you are appalled by your self shame on you more like it sandy as most probably trudy found that a reasonaable example
    i my self have been known to say things for example and seemed to have come across in wrong context so sandy if i was you read up mmore about aspergers and behaviours before stating shame on you

    Comment by amanda oakley — February 7, 2009 @ 5:16 pm

24. Too bad you think that being gay is a “life style of choice” Sandy. You must not know anyone personally that is gay. I’m still trying to figure out why Trudy was camparing AS to being gay; but it doesn’t matter. You and a lot of other people have the idea that homosexuality is a choice. Why would someone “choose” to live that kind of life?

    Comment by Daisy Wright — February 7, 2009 @ 6:13 pm

25. Get a grip, being gay is not a lifestyle choioce. SHAME ON YOU!!!

    Comment by Lesley — February 7, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

26. @Valerie – One line in your comment jumped right out at me:

    “Also with anxiety, we don’t disapoint him with things or try not to as he can not cope with that.”

    I can relate – I get incredibly anxious and ‘prickly’ when things don’t go my way. Little things that wouldn’t bother other people, I suppose.

    With life experience, I have learned to cope. I certainly don’t *like* to, but I do, and I feel I am a better person because I can. After all, disappointment is a part of life and we do ourselves no favours by avoiding it. Hopefully your son will learn this, too.

    @Stacy – See, that is exactly why I don’t go ’round telling people about my ‘condition’. People fear what they don’t understand, and most people don’t understand Asperger’s.

    @Sandy – I think you’ve completely missed the point. If you know anything about being gay (and I know a LOT about being gay *wink*), you can appreciate that there are some definite similarities in the EXPERIENCE of feeling inherently different from the rest of society. Some may argue further that homosexuality and autism are neither medical conditions nor ‘choices’, but I’m not gonna go there.

    To be honest, I think it’s great that everyone’s happy to be different, but acceptance works both ways. Wider society ought to appreciate our talents rather than trying to make us conform, and we need to learn to cope as best we can in a world that isn’t made for us. There are times where we NEED to do things we don’t like to do – like talk on the phone, talk to people, deal with disappointment – and do it in a competent, coherent way. The world is cruel, but we CAN cope!

    Comment by Vicky — February 7, 2009 @ 9:24 pm

27. Its Always good to hear from another persons point of view, especially when they may be like minded,I am especially encouraged to see another female aspie since my daughter is now 14 it was very hard to get any comparisions or insight into just how things will go but like Trudy and the other girls here , shes great very challenging ( but what 14 year old girl isnt , if they are not perhaps they are just good at lying …lol) as she always simply tells it like it is but as she is stabilising through these teen years which are hard for any person at all she extremely intelligent and always can think outside the box , can be helpful and loving in a way she;s comfortable with and often is just misconstrued as having a wicked sense of humour , the older she gets the more i learn from her as always she will tell me in no uncertain terms other people laugh at different things and so she wants to laugh at an old lady whose hair looks like a fluffy cloud so what ….? im just trying to battle with her to keep it down but i think she is like any other child trying to nestle into society because quite frankly, there are many “normal kids” and think thank god she doesnt carry on like that!!anyway I could waffle on all day but its great to hear from someone who has direct experience ( always the best in my view point) in to life further down the line .
    well done Trudy and good on you to all the rest of you who refuse not to stop being you just to conform.

    Comment by helen hanson — February 7, 2009 @ 10:40 pm

28. Wow! Everyone, thank you so much for sharing. I am learning how to better understand and serve my 15 year old boy. I am gaining insight into the reasons and motives for the way he does things. Its like finding the key to a very important room – a room with the most important things in your life that you have been locked out of. My son’s ways have been a mystery to me. But your transparency and forthrightness has helped me tremendously.
    He was just diagnosed at 13 and since that time I have been searching out resources to help him to maximize the life God has given him. It seems that this message board is the best resource I have found so far.
    I wouldn’t compare homosexuality with a medical condition either. Yet I do get your point – noone should have to live a lie.

    What you have shared has given me so much insight into the motivations – reasons for the actions of my son. I have been greatly enlightened and with that enlightenment comes a sense of freedom to let him be himself. I am really starting to get it.

    Comment by T Scott — February 8, 2009 @ 12:39 am

29. Hi Trudy,

    I do relate to a lot of things in your post. I stim by rocking and I do not care if anyone sees it. Some people murder, rape and steal. I rock. It does not seem too dangerous to me so I think people should get over it and focus on the important things in life. I agree with much of what you say, but there are other things that may be unique to you. For example, I do not make eye contact because I find it very horrible and overwhelming.For me it has nothing to do with detecting lies. I find it very hard to tell if someone is lying so I just have to trust. I cam detect behavioural contradictions and do so often, however.

    Something that I observed as a small child was that parents often tell their children that if they want friends, they just need to “be themselves.” I have worked out that this is simply not true. What people mean by that is that they want us to be like them. That is the cruelty of most autism training. It is not about maximizing autistic abilities and learning to meet non autistic society half way. If people were serious about valuing Autistics we woulud learn about Autistic culture in schools, just as Deaf children are taught about Deaf culture.

    Comment by Geraldine Robertson — February 8, 2009 @ 2:03 am

30. This is bang on. I have one question? Are there any women out there with aspergers going through the menopause? I’m struggling double time far more emotinally than physically. Thanks. Heidi

    Comment by Heidi Sands — February 8, 2009 @ 5:58 am

31. Greatly put Trudy! Thank you for sharing!

    I am 41, female, a doctor, have AS (self-diagnosed), I am Gay (self-diagnosed ;o)), have a 10 yr old daughter (just officially diagnosed with AS) & live in a foreign country on the 7th year (second language English).

    I think I have a life-time of experiences of trying to fit in and living among “the aliens” on the outside, which I incessantly try to analyze and understand, so I can be a good role model and being better at trying to explain all the confusion to my kid!

    @ Sandy: Do you really think ANYONE would voluntarily CHOOSE to be gay when that means being persecuted and victimized in most countries of the world? I personally found some comfort in my difficult teens by putting that “label” on myself as that made some sense of my differences, but it didn’t exactly make life easy as the world caters mostly to the normality and the norm.

    I believe that having AS, being Gay is just like being born dyslexic, colorblind or deaf – it is a VARIETY and represents the lovely diversity of the human species- not a medical condition (where is the curative medicine then!?) nor a “life style choice” (who would choose to live with this stigmatization unless is was a question of life and death?). First and foremost we need ACCEPTANCE and RESPECT. Understanding would be very nice also but is so much more difficult to obtain.

    The biggest obstacle for all those of us not belonging to the ruling majority to being accepted and respected by “society” is the ignorance and stupidity, so widely represented and existent among the human species. This is a real hindrance to the embrace of all of the truly fantastic individuals of the world, whether they have different skin color, a different expression of gender, have a different brain (AS), a different partner, different physique or just plainly differ to the norm (which by the way is a very geographically defined entity).

    I am proud to say I have AS, I am gay, I am a mum to an AS daughter but I wouldn’t have it any other way (even if I did have a choice), because we are an equal and worthy part of this world- just like anyone else.

    Thank you Dave Angel for attempting to counteract this ignorance with your great work!

    Susan

    Comment by susan — February 8, 2009 @ 9:32 am

32. When I first laid eyes on my husband I knew that he was unique. He was very aloof yet looked at me inappropriately (in a sexual sense) He was a real turn on. Musically talented beyond compare, he played 5 instruments and sang. He never bragged about his accomplishments. I only heard through the grapevine that he had graduated with honors in mathematics from the Citidel and also had an electrical engineering degree from SDSU. At the time we met he was working as a reciever/buyer for a retail company. I would often question why he was working in a place where he was not using his talents. When I asked him why he wasnt working as an engineer he would reply ” I just dont fit in with those people” at first I didnt understand but I accepted it. He did however work at the same job for 21 years although he hated it and would come home and have “Melt Downs”…..I then told him to quit his job and I would put him through school for something that he really truely loved…He chose to become a Pilot…..well four years later he is still not working..and yes, we have a son with Asperger’s. Since I have been working full time my husband has been going to school and getting our son ready for school in the mornings and helping with homework. I am still however the one who schedules our son’s doctor’s appts, O.T. IEP’s etc. I wish my husband was working so I could cut back at work and be even more active in our son’s activites but he seems to be making excuses…is this something that I have to just accept or should I be pushing him? (insisting that he work) I adore my husband but I am exhausted………….Julia

    Comment by Julia Banzon — February 8, 2009 @ 11:20 am

33. Thanks for the input people – this really helps! I find my son with Asperger’s has a wonderful gift of being able to “read” people and I LOVE IT!!! His impressions of people are spot on too!! lol

    Comment by J. Valleriani — February 8, 2009 @ 2:32 pm

34. My son has aspergers and he has said the same thing he wishes that people understood what it feels like to be him i think my son is perfect and i fight for him in school to be treated like a person not a child that is stupid he is very bright. You’re message is very clear now if we could just get the people to understand it. After all we all have something different about us or a little quirk that we do.

    Comment by stephanie a — February 8, 2009 @ 2:45 pm

35. Hi just want to share some fab news, I put my son on a gluten free diet, after 4 days he became calm, no tantrums swearing, screaming, hyperactivitie has gone, difrent child, and told me how great he feels, havent stoped his normal food just replaced with free from,I also read that gluten will cause toxin in aspie kids,
    causing the tantrums rages ect, please try it,
    my life has come fantastic,

    Comment by lynn — February 8, 2009 @ 4:23 pm

36. As an Aspie woman from a large family replete with Aspies in every direction I really appreciate Trudy’s point of view. I have three children on the spectrum, one who is entirely neurotypical, and one who is a wobbler. I have found that I have little patience with some of the parent support groups. Generally we find a bunch of NT moms sitting around bemoaning their fates and difficulties, complaining about their children and the schools and everything else. Many parents, therapists and educators I have worked with over the years have had condescending attitudes toward spectrumites.

    Even after all these years of massive progress in knowledge about raising and educating autistic and Asperger’s youth, the educational materials and helps for parents, children and educators seem to leave out one huge group that still needs constructive help: Aspie parents of Aspie children.

    Since our children seem so normal to us we are usually the last to seek intervention. The good thing is that we are uniquely qualified to give them most of the support, encouragement, acceptance and assistance they need, but our large, and largely invisible blind spots are very important deficits.

    We all really do need to hear from all perspectives to be the best parents we can be. That is the greatest importance of Trudy’s post.

    I continue to believe that self-help programs and peer support for Aspies from teen-age onward are crucial.

    Kari M. Marchant

    Comment by Kari Marchant — February 8, 2009 @ 6:06 pm

37. I don’t know many aspies who are actively seeking ways of becoming “normal”. Almost all are seeking acceptance.

    Why is it then that so much effort is put into finding medications, therapy and other “fix it” solutions when teaching others about acceptance and giving aspies a chance to be accepted is the simplest option?

    Comment by Gavin Bollard — February 8, 2009 @ 6:26 pm

38. My 17 year old daughter has asp she is at collage at the moment and struggles to make any friends. she struggles to fit into this world of ours her world is not ours, she is not herself at collage she becomes this different person to try to fit in. at home she can be herself, professionals tell her that SHE should try and fit in with THEM they don’t want to try and understand asp people, my daughter says that our world is too surreal for her to live in. and wishes that everyone were asp then she would feel normal.

    Comment by Carole — February 8, 2009 @ 6:28 pm

39. “Normal” is a setting on a washer.unconditional acceptance of everyone is the name of the game.

    Comment by Shirley Shafer — February 8, 2009 @ 6:48 pm

40. What is normal anyway. Society seems to want to make everyone fit within a particular mould. We are all different and that is what makes the world go around. You are right though, people without aspergers need to learn the language of aspergers as much as people with aspergers need to learn the language of those without. Just as we learn about different religions and cultures. My children wtih aspergers are great and I would not have them any other way.

    Comment by Vicki — February 8, 2009 @ 6:56 pm

41. I have a 15 yr. old son w/aspergers and guess what I am too. But what is the meaning of NORMAL? Ive heard this my whole life,and having 2 Aspie’s in the same house is NOT FUN I can never be right, its my fault, and so on and so forth…..But just before I scream I walk away and try to compose what’s left of my dignity and feelings ….Suzi Cooper

    Comment by Suzi — February 8, 2009 @ 7:46 pm

42. Thanx for your comments. My 13 year old grandson has quirky ways but very endearing. I never really thought there was anything very different till he started his college years. I find it depends on what his teacher is like. He is a happy chappy and its very hard not to love him. He loves his computer and indoor basketball, has very limited food intake and has to be coerced into exercise but overall a person who is interesting to know. Stimming aside – don’t we all have habits of one sort or another?

    Comment by Lillian Carde — February 8, 2009 @ 9:02 pm

43. My son, now 26, struggled so bad with teachers in elementary school that I nearly pulled him out, found insightful and wonderful middle school teachers that encouraged and enjoyed him, played in the HS Band (Drummer of course), was persecuted in that same high school when the Columbine Shooting happened (being different, he was targeted by the adminstration and students both as a potential threat), graduated college with a BA in English, and then hit the next brick wall. He struggled to work in fast paced environments (he couldn’t sacrifice best work for fastest work), he sometimes said things that offended people (and his apologies also came out wrong), he was very frustrated. After a year of struggles, he joined the Americorps program and served a year in relative peace that helped him learn more coping skills. He now works with troubled teens in a residential facility and is learning more coping skills in an environment packed with emotional turmoil. He is a gifted writer and would love to be a book editor, but he is not a self starter. I rarely wished he was ‘normal’ except to protect him. He is a joy and a work in progress (aren’t we all). He is lonely and I would love for him to find his soul mate.

    Comment by Joyce — February 8, 2009 @ 9:04 pm

44. I agree with you Sandy. My son suffered for years before being diagnosed with Asperger’s. However, he is wonderful and beautiful just the way God made him. I wouldn’t have him any other way and I know God has a plan for his life.

    Comment by Heather — February 8, 2009 @ 10:08 pm

45. What great insights! I have known my son has autistic traits from an early age but was really overwhelmed when I realised the difficulties I had had over the years with my husband stemmed from him having Asperger traits. I have felt very lonely in my marriage and have had several periods of stress. Now that I know my husband (and his brother and uncle) are Aspergers it makes life easier to understand although not any easier to deal with. We are on a waiting list for counselling because I am not sure how much longer I can go on supporting the whole family emotionally with no one giving me emotional support. I came close to a nervous breakdown in November. Has anyone else experienced this following formal diagnosis of a child?

    Comment by Karen Young — February 9, 2009 @ 3:45 am

46. This is for Karen Young. I completely understand your position Karen as following my sons diagnosis I realised for the first time why my husband has behaved in the way he has for the past 19 years. I too have felt desparately lonely over the years and bewildered at my husbands behaviour within the marriage. This is despite the fact that he is a hardworking individual and has I feel, done his best. I completely feel for you as I believe I have come close to a breakdown in the past. I have wonderful friends however and have always tried to look after myself by going out walking alone over the years to think things through. Supporting the whole family is incredibly hard but I’m sure you’re a fabulously strong woman as you wouldn’t have gotten this far would you? Keep strong and be brave. You can do it. Do try to find your own time though, however hard this is. You deserve it and the whole family will benefit. God Bless. xx

    Comment by Tina — February 9, 2009 @ 7:34 am

47. My Aspie son was diagnosed @ age 12. We knew he had some difficulties but never had a label for them. Having the label has been good because it has allowed us to better understand why he acts the way he does. Then we can relate to him on his terms, at least more. As for “changing” him…we never would. But we do ask him to adapt his behavior in order to function in the world at large. I agree, Aspies should be accepted and supported. I am saddened that it took so many years for us to learn good ways to give him support.

    Comment by Cindy — February 9, 2009 @ 9:17 am

48. While I am not an Aspie, I have worked with multiple kids who were diagnosed with it. I hear our comments about educating people about the condition and accepting them for who they are. However, this is a hard world and a lot of people won’t care that they have a condition. Don’t we need to teach these kids to function in a society that isn’t going to cater to them because of their condition? Just looking for others opinions.

    Comment by Jeff — February 9, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

49. Hi.. I read these posts from Dave Angels parentingaspergers.com and was reading what Trudy was saying about AS. I have a 8 yr old son who was dx w/AS at the age of 3. He has come along way and doing well with the help of out OT and Special Ed teacher..and his loving supportive family. I do not have Aspergers and I really want someone to help me with what I should or should not do in the area of stimming. He taps and flaps and sometimes finger talks,laughing right at my face when we are stern with him or trying to make a point. He trys to stop the laughing but it’s like a impulse, He’ll say..”oh i’m really not laughing” and excuse himself to the bathrm laughing the whole way….after he stops and comes back to us a little under control, we then have to start all over with explaining why he should’nt laugh and that he needs to control that because it is hurtful to do that, and then back to the actual reason we were talking with him in the first place. Some days these things happen more than others..if he is busy and getting lots of input he does’nt do it as often. But he also does it when he’s over stimmed as well. We have got it kindof under control at school, and I tell him that he can stim after he completes a task(here at hm) but that he needs to focus on what he is doing first, then to take a break and stim if he needs to. I do not understand the fingertalking though. It seems to happen when he is being corrected or we are using a stern voice and then he will say the same thing to his finger in the same voice or worse or to his match box cars or any toy thats around and blame them or his finger for doing something that he was being disciplined for. Its like he has a hard time taking blame for his actions sometimes..then other times he’s right on it and doesn’t hardly show signs of any AS traits. Those days we consider “great days” and more himself, which I guess after reading some of the responces about AS i am at great risk for being judged. I am still learning about AS and I may never truly understand it but I want my son to be comfortable with himself but still be able to “fit in” as much as possible out in the world. I basically say..”limit your stims at school and in public..home is where you can be yourself..a trusting place where you can be who you are”. But, then I feel that if we don’t get a handle on it at home he will and does do these things in public…AND NO i am not embarrased of my son and what he does..I have explained to people what he has..when i had to. most of the time I just say..”hey lets relax those hands” I have him push the cart etc.. But,Like I said..he’s not this way all the time..I just don’t know what to do when it comes to stimming. Suggestions please??? Thanks tammy y

    Comment by Tammy Y — February 9, 2009 @ 1:50 pm

50. Thankyou – My husband and son both have Asperger’s and my daughter is Autistic, both my neurotypical daughter and myself try very hard to connect with them as they are comfortable and allow them to be themselves – others sometimes find this difficult and say they couldn’t “put up with it” and things like this, these people are the losers as we see the beauty that is in their differences and try to enjoy them as they are!

    Comment by Liz — February 11, 2009 @ 9:09 am

51. Thanks Trudy for your courage to be you! And thanks Dave for this great forum.

    Comment by Sarah — February 12, 2009 @ 2:54 am

52. Well achieved mother 33 of 6 children. My husband and daughter are asd. We like to pigeon hole in this complex world. I feel so empowered knowing why what they did was not normal BUT NATURAL. You are certainly in a powerful position to explore your unique ways. Good luck.

    Comment by jenny jacobs — February 15, 2009 @ 10:20 pm

53. Hi, Dave
    I am from Australia & want to tell you our family story
    My 24yr old daughter was not diagnosed til 18-19yrs old, it wasnt til as of 18 when everyone expects you to behave a certain way & take on certain responsibilities as a young adult that I truly realised that my daughter was not able nor ready to be able to take on certain responsibilities as a young adult. She was born very premature (17wks) as a result was behind in many ways yet up with others it was like some days 1 step forward 3 steps back or 3 steps forward 1 step back. Thanks to a very persistent counsellor together we were able to shed light to my daughters sometimes anti social behaviour & patterns that the family as a whole had compensated throughtout her young life automatically, as we are all different and learn at different paces & behave differently at the best of times & socially we all are different when it comes to the crunch…. now 6 years later with a huge amount of resources/empathy/drive from everyone in my daughters life she is now on the way to being a young adult that can ‘function’ without too many critisisms/judgements….she has passed year 12, completed a 2yr education & work preparation course for mildly mentally disabled young adults (this course provided her with an enormous growth period with people with similiar gaps in their lives & her first real friend, a 6mths office admin course…now she is with the help of counsellors entering the workforce gradually with the goal to be able to provide for herself, to be herself and proud of herself…. the knowledge that your site provides for not only up and coming aspies but for young people like my daughter a common ground that she is ok.. as we all know the world in which we live is a very judgemental one… I believe that we all learn & grow differently.. having 4 children each a different within their own right.
    Thanks heaps for all the information you provide as even though my daughter is now a young adult many of the stories & facts you provide have helped us all understand her world that has been and that is SO much better & easier
    Thanks again, cheers from Australia
    Debz Inges

    Comment by Deb Ingles — February 24, 2009 @ 1:33 am

54. My 21 year old son is a handsome 6 foot tall, broad shouldered young man with a singing voice to die for, an incredible writing ability, hysterically funny, a brilliant scholar majoring in Theoretical Physics and sensitive and loving to his family. He is also a loner who prefers his computer to people, doesn’t drive, has a very difficult time being around people for a long period of time, completely looses his cool when he looses a competition (and that can be just getting a math problem wrong) without anti-anxiety medication and has never had a girlfriend. We struggled for years to understand what was at the core of his “differences” and volatility in school. Finally, when he kicked over a desk in the 9th grade during one of his “fugues”(complete black out during a violent outburst) we knew we had to do something that allowed him to just get through a day in the outside world. Still not having an AS diagnosis (that wouldn’t come until he was 19) he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and given an anti-depressants. Bingo! I know many people don’t approve of medication intervention but it changed his life. I had received calls from school since he entered nursery school at age three, always the same, “Max cried uncontrollably today,” or “I couldn’t calm Max down.” It got so bad in the third grade that other parents in the class wrote letters asking that he be removed! They didn’t care that he was the brightest kid in the class who had been reading chapter books since 2 1/2 and was already doing algebra. All they knew was he was a behavior problem who was disrupting their children’s educations (and I really didn’t blame them). Long story short, when he forgot to take his medication in his first semester of college, he flunked out of school and had to come home. We took him to yet another counselor (his fourth) who FINALLY diagnosed AS. Between the right therapy and being back on medication, he worked very hard to get a handle on life, his priorities, etc. He decided dorm living wasn’t for him, so when he went back to school the following year, he commuted and still does. As far as letting the world know or keeping his diagnosis secret, I (who am a very private person) am thrilled to run into any of his old teachers around town! I want everyone to know why the infamous Max was always “losing it.” I know other parents talked about him and stopped inviting him to the birthdays parties and why he was never invited to one bar mitzvah ( and we live in a very high Jewish population in the United States). We take each day at a time, but the value of a true diagnosis cannot be underestimated. What a joy! Now he says he feels he has control over his life and actually embraces his differences and I and his father along with him!

    Comment by Leslie — March 2, 2009 @ 7:57 am

55. Hi Trudy,
    Sorry for the delay in replying, but I dont really know what to say, except that your message really touched me. I am 35 and was only introduced to AS recently. I am doing a teaching course which contains an element of “Special Needs” and one day a mother of an Aspergers boy of 12 came in to talk to us. I was stuck to the chair and felt as if everyone could see my reaction because I was stunned and felt completely exposed to the world. What she was describing was me. It has changed everything but not in a bad way. It is more relief, because like you I have spent most of my life feeling somehow abnormal and inadequate because I could not behave like everyone else and put all my energy into trying to be that person…it was exhausting. I havent gone through the stage of being diagnosed yet but its still such a relief because even now I am more relaxed(most of the time) about being me, knowing that Im not crazy or wrong, and not alone. Thanks to you and to Dave for this site.

    Comment by Sinead — April 10, 2009 @ 1:34 pm

56. hey people! yes it is me..Trudy! THANK ALL OF YOU for your comments! & i love that many people got some good stuff from it…i am also sorry to have used gayness as my example…tiz too confronting for some..i know now! but i did also mention the itchy clothing!!! & i was only going by an annalogy of that odd feeling that people may have if they just ‘know’ that they are different to others around them..& the odd gestures that a flamboyant gay person uses..sets them asside as obviously unusual & people notice those differences! no matter what race or sex etc..(& from these gestures, come harsh predudicial oppinions) i would (or could) have used the “from another country” thing..but that might not be so obvious to a passer by on the street or i could have said ‘alien’ but then that is just tooo odd, (or maybee a non-star bellied sneetch..in dr sues) so sorry to those who didnt get it..i forgot that people also have predudices towards gay people..so please just use my comments less to heart..& maybee think about that itchy jumper!! TIZ QUITE IRITATING..coz quite honnestly i was never even thinking “politicaly correct” & being an asperger (for me) means that i just dont get it…..but i do understand, and am bright enough to know that we are all from diverse places & experiances & there ARE those who NEED “political correctness” about touchy subjects..tiz the rules! & these rules are to protect peoples feelings…so i am truely sorry

    Comment by trudy beckham — August 24, 2009 @ 8:36 pm

57. hey again!! & look what i just did! i just spent more time explaining myself & saying sorry to a few..than i did saying the more important THANKYOU! to all of those wonderful & accepting messages..& this seems quite typical of my life..i spend much time trying to gain understanding of everything i do or say..from a few who just dont get it..i am not sure why i feel the un-dying urge..maybee its just that i care! & its my way of showing it..with explinations! because thats what i wish people would do for me..if ‘I’ didnt get it! & open down to earth HONESTY would save all that MISUNDERSTANDING..but hey all i wanted to do this time was say THANKS THANKS THANKS xxxxxx
    & i say YES to UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & WORLD PEACE & LOVE xxxxxxxxx

    Comment by trudy beckham — August 24, 2009 @ 9:27 pm

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