Review of CD 1 – Why Does My Child Act This Way

The first thing to say about the Total Transformation program is that the quality of the recording and presentation is very high. It consists of a series of interviews on each disk involving James Lehman and several of his colleagues. The sound quality is excellent and it’s a slick recording studio effort. James himself has worked for over 3 decades with children who have difficult behaviors and their families in a variety of settings in New England, USA.

On CD1 James looks at what he calls “The Real Causes of Obnoxious and Abusive Behavior”. He goes through an extensive list of 16 categories that explain why children may behave in certain difficult and challenging ways. This is a really helpful starting point for looking at where your child may be at and each category is explored in depth. The categories make good common sense and are easy to follow.

With regard to Aspergers James clearly states that his approach will work for children with neurological impairment, learning disability etc. when there are behavioral issues to be addressed. For example he outlines a case that he worked on with a child with ADHD who was “hiding behind” that diagnosis and avoiding responsibility for his behaviors and actions. Now I know for a fact that for many children with Aspergers this type of scenario goes on to, so clearly the information can transfer.

So the verdict … so far so good. There is some excellent material put together in an easy-to-understand fashion with a work book (that includes actual activities that you can do). My only criticism is that James refers to “the kid” all the time when talking about what to do with your child – which seems a bit impersonal and not my favourite way of referring to a child or young person. But James does say in his accompanying workbook that he uses the term “kid” as a catch-all phrase and apologies for any offense this may cause – so I guess I shouldn’t be too picky!

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of CD 2 – Why won’t my Child Listen To Me

This CD concentrates on what James calls “ineffective parenting roles”. On CD 1 he begins the program by looking at the child; on CD 2 he turns his attention to the parents. He classifies 7 types of ineffective parenting which include “the screamer”, “the over negotiator” and “the martyr”. Again James uses very clear terms such as these which you can already begin to guess as to what they are about.

One of the great points that James makes is about parenting styles over time. He says that when he grew up in the 1960’s he was actually being parented by his parents in a style from the 1930’s (i.e. when they grew up) and things clearly change! He makes this point in relation to parents in the 2000’s and that we should be careful not to parent from the 1960’s or 1970’s (i.e. when many of us grew up).  Which makes so much sense as the modern world is so different now for children. Think about the internet, cable TV, new child care legislation, the huge prevalence of cars, differences in schooling etc. and how this compares to the 1970’s. Clearly we all as parents (me included) need to have a modern take on how we parent our kids as that’s the society they live in each day.

Another  concept that I really liked was the idea of parenting your actual child and not your ideal child. We all of visions of our “ideal child” in our head and this can never truly match the reality of how your child actually is. For a child with Aspergers this issue may be even more pronounced and this is an area that many parents do need to do some work on.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of CD 3 – Breaking Through

In CD 3 James continues on from CD 2 and talks about parenting roles that lead to accountability. He breaks these down in to 3 roles:

1.    Training & Coaching Role – Such as teaching by example, and providing strategic help and solutions.
2.    Problem-solving role – Such as encouraging exploration and experimentation, and participating in mutual decision-making.
3.    Limit-setting role – Such as demanding compliance with rules and viewing behaviors as a performance issue rather than a moral issue.

I really like a number of these roles and think they’re essential for positive parenting. For example James talks of setting clear rules that stop eventual “show downs” further down the road. He says that if a child has had a number of cookies instead of the parent asking “can you not have so many cookies?” be much clearer and state “stop eating the cookies now please”. This way things are 100% clear for the child and they are far less likely to eat more cookies, and this can save a later dispute on the same subject.

James also talks about being consistent with boundaries for example if you agree your son needs to be in at 6pm that’s when he should be in, which is another good basic principle. But James then goes on to say that even if your son calls to say that the sports teacher has asked him to stay behind a further 30 minutes to practice with the team, that your son should still be told to be back at 6pm. I disagree with this and think it’s a little too rigid. Instead I would suggest that you insist to speak to the teacher and if it’s a valid and worthwhile exercise then the time can be pushed back to 6:30pm. But other than this criticism I found CD 3 to be another excellent parenting resource.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of CD 4 – Transformation Tools

In CD 4 the focus is back on to the child again when James outlines 27 Tools to Change Your Child’s Behavior Now. One great point that he makes on this CD is that parents should stop comparing the inside of their family (i.e. all the arguments, rows and fights that go on) with the outside of other families (i.e. what seems to be a perfectly nice and happy family across the road but probably have many of the same problems as you but you just cannot see them). This is a pressure that so many parents could really do without, and it’s a totally artificial pressure that can be avoided.

Also another strategy that I really like from the extensive list of  27 is what James calls “re-direct interest”. This is the basic and common sense view that changing activity or conversation can help to reduce difficult behaviors almost immediately. This is also described as motion changing emotion. So for example if during a huge argument you were to get yourself and your son to hop 5  times on each foot immediately then this would know doubt change how he feels and acts in this second. I have heard this approach used before by Tony Robbins (the world famous self-help guru from the USA) and really like it myself. And would urge you to give it a go – in many ways the more silly and bizarre action that you and your child do the better it may reduce any difficult behaviors.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of  CD 5 – Understanding faulty thinking

This CD investigates the 14 types of Faulty Thinking – which are all considered to be blocks to successful problem solving for parents and their children. The full list of 14 are …

• Assuming
• All or Nothing Thinking
• Personalizing
• Hypodermic Focus
• Embracing Negativity
• Emotionalizing
• Projections
• The Blame Game
• Rule Deflation
• Uniqueness
• Minimization
• Awfulizing
• False self-perceptions
• Sincere self-delusion

Each one of these blocks is really interesting and so true when it comes to parenting. For example “The Blame Game” looks at how parents blaming the children really doesn’t help change behavior. But a subtle shift to giving children the responsibility for their own behavior gives a much better chance of them behaving better next time.

Another quick example from the 14 blocks is “Personalizing” which teaches parents not to take things personally when they go wrong. So for example if your son gets into trouble at school –  REMEMBER: he is not doing this to hurt you. And if you take it personally this way you will respond emotionally, rather than in a more objective and measured way.

At the end of this CD is an excellent section aimed at helping parents who are divorced, to continue to care for their children. There are some great practical tips to ensure that they can minimise the impact on the children. One of them relates to the age old problem of when one partner from the marriage refuses to be consistent and provide the correct support for the child. James gives helpful and clear guidance as to what the other main consistent parent must do to counteract this for the child’s welfare.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of CD6 – What to do after your child acts out

In this CD James Lehman begins by discussing how to set achievable goals with children; as opposed to wishes. This distinction he believes is hugely significant when it comes to helping a child’s behaviour.

He then talks about an 8 step model called The Alternative Response which he describe as a “problem-solving process to challenge and confront inappropriate behaviour and develop an alternative behaviour for the next time …”

These 8 steps are:

Investigate

Confront

Identify

Challenge

Declare

Probe

Choose

Consequences and amendments

I like this model and it is effective in working with children’s behaviours. Just to give you an idea, Step 6 is entitled “Probe”. In this step you work with your child to make them identify what they could do differently in future for a different outcome.  Which helps give the child more of a sense of responsibility in their future behaviours and so gives them the chance to act differently next time.

James also raises an interesting point about “time outs” which should be used genuinely to give a child 5 or 10 minutes out of the situation in order to calm down from the stressors. But many parents use “time outs” as a punishment which confuses matters and is not an effective approach.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of CD 7 – How to Stop It Before It Starts; The Trigger Management Process

Now at the start of this CD James is quite controversial in asserting that “there is no such thing as an anger management problem”. He views it as trigger management or thought management problem. His basic idea is spot on in my view – he feels that children just need to manage their thoughts and triggers better. This means that they ARE in control and can change their behaviours – rather than being  a victim of some mysterious thing called “anger”, over which they have no control.

There are 8 steps to James’ Trigger management Process which are pretty self-explanatory on the whole …

Diminish The Potential

Manage The Situation

Identify The Trigger Thought

Constructive Self-Talk

Simple Plan

Communicate

Implement

Move On

But one criticism here of James and this CD is that he uses the word “retardation” several times in reference to children with learning/development disabilities. I really don’t like that term and was disappointed to hear it being used on what is on the whole an excellent parental resource.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

Review of  Bonus CD “10 Ways to Turn Around Your Child’s Attitude in One Minute Or Less”

The bonus CD is a handy quick-fire resource with 10 great techniques to use straight away when your having problems with your child.

The 10 Strategies are:

1. Assume Control

2. Disconnect

3. Script it for the next time

4. No speeches

5. Focus on the behaviour

6. Halt over-stimulation

7. Use strategic recognition and affection

8. Self-disclosure to the child

9. Do, not say

10. Accept bad moods and bad days

The idea for most of the 10 is pretty self-explanatory from the title and they can all be helpful with a child with Aspergers. Just to give you an example is the “Do, not say” approach. Which basically teaches that we need to role model for our children as they learn and copy so much from us. So for example when you are talking to your child about calming down –  you must be displaying calm behaviors and body language when doing so. If you are angry and uptight and yet trying to tell your son “calm down don’t get angry” it’s simply not going to work.

To learn more about The Total Transformation Program go to http://tinyurl.com/643fs3

That’s all for the review of this program. As well as all of the above audio CD’s there are 2 further DVD’s included that I haven’t even had chance to watch. They are the “Jump Start” DVD which you begin with and “The Parents Workshop” Live DVD. And if they are anything like the quality of the CD’s then I am sure they’ll also be a great source of parental information too.

Have  a great day,

Dave Angel