What can I expect of my Aspie teen?
Hi everyone -
Today is the first of the “new posts” answering directly the questions that you asked recently on the web survey.
Please let me know what you think of the new style of posts by leaving your comments on the blog.
OK here’s this week’s question…
I would like to know what to expect from an Asperger’s child in the teenage years. My son was diagnosed 6 years ago. I know they say that they can suffer from this and that, but what is the long term goal, what can we expect, what not to expect?
Young people with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult time between the ages of 12 and 19. They may be socially excluded and face rejection by their peers if they act differently from others. They want to be accepted and liked, but often don’t know how to behave and communicate appropriately. School is demanding and they long for friends. The goal for your Asperger’s child is to make it through the teen years with: his self-esteem intact, at least a friend or two, knowledge that his family loves him, and a high school diploma.
There are some teens that manage to navigate these years successfully because they don’t care about peer pressure and focus on a special interest of their own, such as chess or computers. So, encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help him at this time of life. A special interest may encourage friendships with other teens that have the same interest as well, making it easier to talk to and make friends with others.
A big problem for Asperger’s teens is that often they don’t care about fads, clothing, celebrities, and teen communication devices such as cell phones or MySpace. Your son’s interests may be more appropriate for younger children. Boys may be rejected if they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can be resolved.
Help your son become aware of teen fads and how to talk about sports, celebrities, rituals, and school events. Encourage him to leave phone messages for and arrange social engagements with peers. Perhaps he could join school clubs, especially those that focus on his special interest. Explain to your teen that he does not have to tell everyone that he has Asperger’s. Your son may enjoy talking with other Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms.
Your son may ignore personal hygiene and wear clothes and a hair cut that are not in style. Find a same sex friend who will help your teen choose appropriate clothes to wear. Monitor your teen’s hygiene and create reminder notes or charts for him about daily bathing, tooth brushing, etc. Reward him for good hygiene, if that’s what it takes!
“Aspie” teens are sometimes not very well-informed about sex and dating. Boys may be very naïve or too forward with girls. Hormones cause rampant emotions, which Aspie teens can’t handle. If they get angry, they may physically attack others or have a “melt down.”
You must teach your teen about sex. Provide books for him to read. Choose books that aren’t overly “clinical.” Be specific and detailed about safe sex. Never be judgmental or punish him when he confides in you; counsel him. Boys need to be told that masturbating should take place only at home, in private. Aspies often respond to “rules” by obeying them. Establish some rules for your son, such as: “We have a rule in our house that teenagers should not have sex because they are too young to handle the emotions and problems that may occur.”
Some Aspie teens develop problems with drugs and alcohol because they are eager to do what other teens do. They are not able to determine a “good” crowd from a “bad” crowd. Other teens may take advantage of your son’s eagerness to be liked and convince him to buy and/or take alcohol or drugs. You must always know where your son is, who he is with, what they are supposed to be doing, and the characters of the other teens he hangs around. Emphasize that drugs and alcohol are illegal. Since Aspies are rule-oriented, this may help your son avoid problems.
Asperger’s teens may have school problems because of the difficulty in dealing with more than one teacher. Each classroom is a different environment which is confusing. Some teachers may be hostile. Some assignments may be overwhelming. Keep in close touch with your son’s teachers. A placement into Special Education may be necessary when an Aspie teen enters middle school. Some Aspies need special classes even though they didn’t before. Make sure your son has a “safe place” at school where he can share emotions with a teacher, nurse, guidance counsellor, or psychologist. If your son experiences harassment and/or rejection at school and the staff does not help, a special education placement or a therapeutic boarding school can give professionals a chance to assist your teen academically and socially.
Suicide may become a possibility for some teens with Asperger’s. If you have any worries about this, get help immediately from a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Use reasoning and negotiation with your son, instead of orders. If possible, give him two choices rather than telling him what he must do in a situation. He will have more control over his life and feel less resentment. He will be less likely to listen to you (like all teens!) at this age and may exhibit anger and impatience. He may hate school and resist everything you want him to do. Depression is common. If these problems occur, your son may need counselling.
Most Aspies learn to drive successfully because they obey the rules! Have your son carry a cell phone and a card that explains Asperger’s. Teach him to call you in a crisis and to give the card to any police officer who stops him or her. Role play with him so he knows what to do and say if stopped by an officer.
Some Aspies do well in summer jobs in an area of special interest or with little contact with the public. Occupational therapy will help your son get ready for adulthood. Special programs are available that teach job and living skills. This will reduce his dependence on you.
Above all, ask for help from professionals when you or your son need it.
Young people from
Thanks Dave Angel
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I have an 8 year old daughter that was diagnosis with Asperger’s and she knows she is different than the other kids how do I help her through this?
Comment by Amy — May 21, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
Thq for the information today i have a teenage daughter being home schooled because she couldnt cope in high school after attending our small village school. She is waiting to be assest for aspergers and it could take up to a year but i already know thats what it is.I am trying to embrace the differance and we are coping as best we can,my daughter is also a goth and the local village chavs bully her at any opportunity,she does not go out without either myself or her older sister.Life is far from easy and i fear for her future as she has no friends just family,any help would be great.thq A concerned mum
Comment by Ms Jill Stalmach Kynaston — May 21, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
I cannot forward thisinfo to my school and then print it for parents–I am wondering why and if you will also deal with teen age aspie girls?
Comment by Lee Hamlin — May 21, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
well its interesting to see what you say but oddly enough my teen daughter is finding an ability to break rules and if she doesnt the resentment is humungous!!! every day is trauma a
fighting or it was until she got herself an aspie boyfriend ….acceptance at last,but hes way too old for her(14&18) they met at youth club where she was learnign social skils…:) Sadly its all moving too fast the big thing is we are emigrating and we told them that and not to get involved , so they said they were just friends and i expected it to fizzle out, we have to leave the country quite soon she thinks as soon as she is 18 she will live here but thats no going to happen ….I hope not anyway , the problem is she cnt and wont see why the rest of the family have to have a right to some happiness , she knows she has no choice buti am dreading the transition ,i hate that i have had to talk to her about sex and about things i think is too much too young she is very wayward and in her head if she cant see logic behind it it doesnt apply.The reason i allowed it in the first place was if i chaperoned her mostly it was better for me to knw what was going on than her sneaking off and getting into trouble for it , as she has tried ot run off in protest…i don t mean one of the episodes where they just run cos they dont want/like what they hear..(daily occurence) i mean thinking if she runs away she will get her own way so i allowed it thinking it might help but she is very boy dependant and always hooking up on the net thankfuly this wasnt , i wish she could see her own beauty and qualities.
That said id be interested in any one with a girl with these conditions on the other hand to not being botherd trying to be fashionable /thin /pretty have become her obssesions as is her hair i kno all teens have the straightner thing but htis is aspie style with a vengance , like they are her confidence in her eyes, her hair will soon fall out im sure she straightens it at least 4 times a day every last waking day , and i mean each time its literally done to with an inch of its life 20 to 30 times or until she has to be pushed out of the door….and makeup its hilarious at times and she says i just dont want her to be nice ???? i happy with nmakeup just not tango style!!!
Ive waffled on long enough thanks Dave for all your posts they are so helpful …keep up the good work.
Comment by helen hanson — May 21, 2008 @ 12:56 pm
As the mother of a 17 year old Aspie son, this article is concise and on point. Excellent. Knowledge is comfort; the unknown is what confuses. The information in this article gives parents the ability to guide their child(ren) through this stage. Lyn
Comment by Lyn — May 21, 2008 @ 12:58 pm
My son is 18 and gorgeous….girls love him and he is nice to everyone. He wants to be like the average teen and trys his best to do that! He even spent his money on loud system speakers for his car. He struggles in school academiacaly and the teachers all think he’s angry. It is his frustration and his monotone voice!! Where they get their info is beyond me….they just don’t seem to understand the differences and the similarities between the Aspies!! Either they all look and act the same or else they are faking it!! It is soooo frustrating…..I fight for every little thing that he gets! The fiends he has seem to have issues and not Aspergers….their family situations are not good and they have introduced pot to him as well. He has been in trouble a couple times with that situation and as most Aspies….he’s not a good sneak! He also has no problem having a girlfriend. The last one said in an interesting voice….”He’s sooo clean and different”….it’s not my place to tell any friends about his aspergers so I just smile and say….yes and thats why we love him! I think it is a huge challenge every day to make sure things are going in the right direction! Hopefully, things will be better after high school. His tutor is a 50ish Aspie and says they do much better after high school. I guess there’s so much pressure there. Well’ to Helen in the last comment….I know what your going through! Be blessed! Kim
Comment by kim — May 21, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
what can i do to get my son who has aspergers and also agrophobia ,back to work ??
Comment by Kathleen — May 21, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
I have an adult son with Aspbergers - he is 36 now and although he is fine with the family he does not have any friends apart from his brother.
He mixes okay at work but only in the work environment. He does not have a girlfriend. Any relationship he has had has been short term, and usually with someone married who has approached him first. He lives alone and rarely initiates a phone call, although if we ring a leave a message he does return it. I worry increasingly about his social isolation. When we visit we give him a hand and he works alongside us to get his house and garden in some sort of order, but seems to be incapable of starting anything on his own, instead watching DVD’s and Videos. We worry what will happen to him when we are not here. There is nothing in our area in the way of support groups for adults with Aspergers. He did do well for a period when he joined a karate club and made a few friends - unfortunately he suffered two very bad bone breaks in a short time and he gave it up, meaning he was off work for quite a while. I have even thought of starting a support group myself as there must be lots of lonely people like him - but he said he doesn’t know that he would come along, because it would be like getting people with agrophobia to go walking on the moors…….Help!
Comment by Julie Fisk — May 21, 2008 @ 7:08 pm
My son is a gorgeous 13yr old and he’s aware of his aspergers. He’s also being treated for adhd and anxiety and he’s a lot of hard work. Every day brings so many challenges but it’s so worth it when I look at how far he’s come in the last few years. But now he’s an adolescent, that brings all new challenges and I’m already noticing changes in him. At the moment he has a very negative mindset - everything is boring, hates school, his life is awful, people suck. And so it goes on and on. How can I help him see the positives in his life? How do I stop it from dragging me down? I am doing my best to help him because he’s my child, I adore him, he deserves the best I can give him, and he has so much potential. He also has two older sisters, the eldest has high functioning autism, so life is certainly never boring!! Of course there are days when I wish things were a hell of a lot easier, but I can’t imagine life without them and I’m SO proud of them all!
Comment by michelle — May 21, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
Thank you for the excellent article-my boy is 12 and I can see it has all started(the dreaded teen thing)-he has many of the traits described in Tony Attwood’s Complete Guide to Asperger’s-that pertain to ‘conduct disorder’. Arrogance, arguing with teachers, not respecting authority,thinking he is an ‘adult’,anger, retaliation, etc. He was suspended from school, but it was partly his fault and alot of it was the school’s error in not understanding how to deal with a misbehaving kid with Asperger’s! Their way of dealing with him was to assign someone to monitor his every move, all day, which actually made him angrier, causing him to try to retaliate, which of course ended badly.
The part I find very hard is not arguing with him and not yelling! My blood pressure! Good luck to everyone out there dealing with this, you’re not alone…
I am going to try to follow all the tips in the article, which is going to be VERY verrry difficult!! There is a long road ahead of me, I must be brave!
Comment by Anne Marie — May 21, 2008 @ 10:38 pm
I have a 15 year old Aspie boy and yes, we do deal with “issues” but I don’t feel it is as dire of an outlook as been portrayed. I do homeschool and have worked with my son for several years. I believe open communication is key, not only with an Aspie child but with all your children, especially teens. I do have a counselor for my son that I am very grateful for. He assists in helping define things in my son’s life that is important for him and helps him work through problems by guiding him through the process of thinking things out. Yes, I do that as well, but having another person assist in it is a great help and also reinforces the message. I do find we tend to have to restress the instruction (on most topics, including sex and body changes) multiple times. So, you can’t have “the talk” once and think it will be enough. Again, it isn’t as dire as it sounds. There are a lot of joy involved as well. In addition, I don’t want my son worried about the latest fad show, movie, clothes, etc. Isn’t that what parents without a unique learner complain about? Besides some of the clothes out there are just not appropriate, as well as with some of the shows and movies. I would rather teach my son (and other children) about this myself.
Comment by Susan — May 21, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
I am the mother of a 7 y/o boy with AS - boy its a challenge, but the info I get from your newsletters really help solving some of the issue we come across with him. I am actually starting up a support group at his school now for families with kids with AS. Wish me luck !
Comment by Helen — May 22, 2008 @ 3:07 am
It would be great to hear a bit more about teenage aspie girls, my daughter is 12 and currently home schooled. shes also a bit of a goth and loves alternative clothes which doesnt help with the bullying in our village. She really struggled at high school with the complex social situations and some teachers seemed to feel that she is naughty and puts it on! they kept trying to get her to snap out of it and we have a statement and a diagnosis. Anyway rant over…thanks for all the great info- Ms Rolfe
Comment by Ms Rolfe — May 22, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
I read this article twice. My son just turned 16 and has been put in regular ed this year in high school. He is so happy to be out of Cross Categorical Special Ed. He has the rules thing prettyn close to this article.. I am worried about his driving since he also has sensory intergration issues. Also is being treated for ADHD. My state makes all kids at 16 take driver ed. he will begin this summer. I am hoping and prying for the best.
Comment by Nancy — May 25, 2008 @ 5:47 pm
Hi Helen. I also have a 7 year old with AS. It certainly is a challenge! He is the love of my life, but it seems like I have no life of my own. I am a single mom. What is the most challenging thing with your son? Can you give me any suggestions on how you get through the rough times? Thanks so much.
Comment by Donna — May 25, 2008 @ 8:54 pm
I have a 14 year old son with Aspergers,..and we are dealing with some huge issues. He found some friends but they are from the “bad” crowd. Not that these kids are bad, some of them I suspect have aspergers as well (but who am I to say)they just all have family problems, and it is easier for my son to “ft in” with them. there has been talks of my son in a gang, and pot smoking, and he always seems angry. he knows he has aspergers, but his father (my ex) won’t acknowledge it.He is such a good hearted kid, but I struggle with babying him, I catc myself sometmes, and explain to him tha his actions have consequenses, ( this usually ends in a big argument) but everyday we are getting through. I am very concerned and am trying to get him t agree to see a councelor. Thank you for this website, and valuble information,it is much appreciated.
Comment by Stephanie — May 26, 2008 @ 6:30 am
I am so thankful that you have answered this question in relation to Aspie Teens.
My 14 year old daughter is finding her teen years difficult and I have just emailed her school with a very long letter in relation to Aspergers Syndrome and how she is not coping well at school.
With High School comes a whole new host of problems…cutting classes, bullying, suicidal thoughts, trying to be included with peers..trying to be excepted..trying new ‘fads’ like ‘cutting’ being EMO…etc. Yes average teens do these things too..the difference is..AS teens are more likely to do it because they don’t kbow better and are easily victimised to be encouraged to try new things…Are we parents being to over protective of our AS teens? No way..we have to be vigilant and David Angels Aspergers posts are encouraging me to further support and understand my Aspergers syndrome teenager…So Thankyou, thank you very much I really appreciate it! Jo
Comment by Joanne — May 26, 2008 @ 8:24 am